Talk:Frederick Galleghan

This review is transcluded from Talk:Frederick Galleghan/GA1. The edit link for this section can be used to add comments to the review.

Reviewer: Eddie891 (talk · contribs) 22:11, 8 December 2020 (UTC)Reply

• Will review, shortly Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 22:11, 8 December 2020 (UTC)Reply

Comments

• "Of West Indian extraction" I think this could be phrased a bit more explicitly-- "extraction" isn't common, at least to my American ears

• Have stated "descent". That is the more common way of expressing it. Zawed (talk) 03:58, 13 December 2020 (UTC)Reply

• Do we know what school(s) he attended?

• Have added. Zawed (talk) 03:58, 13 December 2020 (UTC)Reply

• "The battalion then being formed in New South Wales, was" I think this comma is a bit out of place, but not positive

• Yes, it was out of place, due to a comma being missed earlier in the sentence. I have added that now. Zawed (talk) 03:58, 13 December 2020 (UTC)Reply

• You don't actually mention 'first world war' in the body at all-- maybe add a sentence like "When the First World War began..." to intro the section?

• I've gone for tying it in with the raising of the AIF, does that work for you? Zawed (talk) 03:58, 13 December 2020 (UTC)Reply

• "Now a sergeant" what does 'now' refer to here?

• It was implying a promotion from corporal. I have more explicitly stated it. Zawed (talk) 03:58, 13 December 2020 (UTC)Reply

• "Galleghan would serve" not a fan of 'would' in these type articles-- could you rephrase to eliminate?

• Seems a bit passive doesn't it? That's often a fault of my writing for some reason. Have revised. Zawed (talk) 03:58, 13 December 2020 (UTC)Reply

• "He would remain with this department " ditto

• Have done. Zawed (talk) 03:58, 13 December 2020 (UTC)Reply

• "Four years later he would " ditto

• Have done. Zawed (talk) 03:58, 13 December 2020 (UTC)Reply

• " However, the following month, the brigade, and Galleghan's battalion with it, was transferred to the 8th Division" you may be able to eliminate some of the commas with something like "the brigade, and Galleghan's battalion with it, was transferred the following month to the 8th Division"

• Done. Zawed (talk) 03:58, 13 December 2020 (UTC)Reply

• "was transferred to the 8th Division" so do we know where this was destined?

• Have added. Zawed (talk) 03:58, 13 December 2020 (UTC)Reply

• "and accordingly implemented a rigorous training program." not really needed

• Deleted. Zawed (talk) 03:58, 13 December 2020 (UTC)Reply

• "Galleghan was disappointed to find that despite being the most senior of the battalion commanders in the brigade, Lieutenant Colonel Duncan Maxwell was to be the replacement." could read as either Galleghan or Maxwell was the most senior

• Have rephrased for clarity. Zawed (talk) 03:58, 13 December 2020 (UTC)Reply

• " was withdrawn to the rear by a pessimistic Maxwell." maybe specify either why Maxwell was pessimistic, what he was pessimistic about, or why it's relevant

• I have revised this - Maxwell was essentially defeatist so that should be more clear now. Zawed (talk) 03:58, 13 December 2020 (UTC)Reply

• :he departure of Major General Cecil Callaghan in July 1942." maybe clarify what 'departure' meant?

• Have clarified. Zawed (talk) 03:58, 13 December 2020 (UTC)Reply

That's it on prose, nicely done-- just a few minor suggestions. Will review sourcing &c shortly. Cheers, Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 02:03, 11 December 2020 (UTC)Reply

• Thanks Eddie891, I have addressed the prose issues identified above. Cheers, Zawed (talk) 03:58, 13 December 2020 (UTC)Reply

• Zawed, rest of the review follows:
  • Image is appropriately licenced
  • Sources are all reliable
  • I spotchecked several sources, everything lines up. I added his mothers name. No indication of copyvio
• Passing. Nice work, as always. Eddie891 ^Talk _Work 22:27, 14 December 2020 (UTC)Reply