User:A sentient pickle
— Wikipedian  — | |
 Me | |
| Name | A sentient pickle |
|---|---|
| Name in real life | Cucumis sativus |
| Current location | Space |
| Height | 4 inches |
| Hair | Not anymore |
| Eyes | Oh, god no! |
| Handedness | None |
| Blood type | Water, vinegar, salt |
| Sexuality | Asexual |
| IQ | Above average, for a pickle |
| Family and friends | |
| Spouse | Mrs. Sentient Pickle to you, good sir. |
A sentient pickle is a member of the species Cucumis sativus that has developed the capacity to experience its own existence subjectively. Currently, there are only two know sentient pickles who demonstrate sentience. The first doesn't count, because apparently, he was a human before he made himself into a pickle. The only true native-born sentient pickle is anonymous, and currently is orbiting Iapetus, the third-largest moon of Saturn.
The anonymous pickle is a relatively new user of Wikipedia, utilizing an invisible dyson sphere around the sun (that no one on Earth has thus far been able to detect),[a] to power an enormous satellite internet connection back to Earth.[b] The pickle (he really does prefer 'the pickle') has been on Wikipedia before in a different life, but it learned a few lessons and now uses his incredible pickle powers to rid Wikipedia of missing sources, poor typography, grammar and spelling, and occasionally writes articles on subjects when his sources back on Earth can relay information to him.
He talks about himself in the third person because that makes him more comfortable. He's a pickle, and he understands that most people reading this are humans, and are very judgemental about vegetables that can speak for themselves.[c]
Personal life
[edit]The sentient pickle enjoys moping about the equatorial ridge and tending to Cassini's mangled parts, most of which he's assembled into the beginnings of a 2-stage orbital insertion vehicle, so he can maintain the satellites his ancestors constructed.
He is married and has a crop of about 14,000 children this year. He has extended family in California.
Notes
[edit]- ^ Elon Musk has actually outed the pickle twice, and his Mars rocket is a secret attempt to reach the pickle's orbit, but thankfully no one takes him seriously. The pickle already has plants (no pun intended) on Musk's team that will ensure the rocket reaches Mars instead of Saturn
- ^ Powered by Sprint
- ^ Be nice to the sentient pickle. His powers are far beyond what any human can possibly fathom, but he only uses about 2% of them at any given time. You've been warned.
Fancy boxes
[edit]
 | This user absolutely detests small flies that attempt to enter ears. |
| This user is a member of the Wikipedia Department of Fun. |
 | This user edited under a previous user name. This account is a clean start. |
This user has never been to Fucking Austria
| This user is a member of WikiProject Asparagus. |
{{User:Mz7/Commons mover} |3=
 | This user is a WikiBear. |
 | This user can get online. Did you know that? |
|
This user has one too many screws loose. We warned you. |