The Closer

The Closer (2005–2012) is an American television series, airing on TNT, about a police detective who transfers from Atlanta to Los Angeles to head up a special unit of the LAPD that handles sensitive, high-profile murder cases. Despite a tendency to step on people's toes, she manages to convert even her strongest adversaries with her unique ability to get to the truth.

Brenda: If I liked being called a bitch to my face, I'd still be married.

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Brenda: [To Sgt. Gabriel] I should probably explain that I do not form my relationships with people based on how they're treating you. That would be your mother, maybe.

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Brenda: As hard as a secret is to uncover, it's even harder to keep.

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Brenda: Are you trying to encourage me or make me nervous?

Pope: I'm just trying to figure out why you're so damn confident you can get this woman to help you.

Brenda: Well, because Will, I know a little something about admiring the boss and finding out he's not the guy you thought he was.

Sgt. Gabriel: When you handcuff Dean Kingsley and put him in the back seat of your car, you're going to have helicopters, news vans and millions of television viewers, all escorting you back here to Parker Center.

Brenda: So?

Sgt. Gabriel: So, are you absolutely sure you can, by yourself, drive back here without getting lost?

[Brenda hesitates, then hands over her car keys]

Sgt. Gabriel: Thank you. Thank you. I know that was very difficult for you, but thank you.

---

Brenda: What do you suppose Heather would have done if she figured out what Dean was up to?

Lindsay: I hope she would have taken him for everything he's worth.

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Brenda: [complaining to Pope] I was promised a crew of elite detectives, and what Capt. Taylor here has given me is a bunch of junior varsity wannabees ...and Provenza.

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Brenda: The Constitution entitles you to a lawyer, Mr. Kingsley, not a firm.

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Brenda: [To Chief Pope] Look, I have another issue I have to discuss with you. The Priority Murder Squad got its stationery yesterday, and I just got a look at it this morning. [She holds up a note pad showing the initials P.M.S. for "Priority Murder Squad"]

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Brenda: I can't make the pieces fit together in this case and every other street in the hills is called Mulholland somethin'.

Fritz: I thought you had a driver.

Brenda: Oh, I did. But I got mad at him and now I'm late everywhere.

---

Fritz: Okay, maybe I shouldn't have said anything.

Brenda: No, no, no. You know what? It's fine. Really. Are you still not drinkin'? Because I could use a drink. [to server] Excuse me. Hi there. May I have a huge glass of Merlot, please? Thank you.

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Jennifer: I put everything in a green plastic bag and tossed it somewhere over on Mullholland Drive.

Brenda: Could you be a little more specific?

Pope: [after Brenda asks him to stall the FBI] Okay, but when the black helicopters start hovering over the building, try to wrap it up!

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Brenda: Oh no, no, no. You don't need an attorney because if you get an attorney I plan to sit down with your fiancee and have a nice long chat with her about what you've been doing with your penis.

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Pope: When did the FBI get back to you so fast? I'm still waiting to hear back on Oswald and Kennedy.

Provenza: Where's Scarlett O'Hara? [Referring to Brenda]

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[Hearing the voice on Fritz' GPS]

Brenda: What is that?

Fritz: I call her Tara. I think it's the same woman who does my voice mail.

Brenda: So why don't you just ask me about it? I know what you're thinking.

Fritz: Ok, I did read the article about your ethics investigation.

Brenda: And you were wondering what all the hoopla was about.

Fritz: Well, it's none of my business, really, but, uh, yeah.

Provenza: [Eavesdropping with Buzz over Brenda's wire] Ok. Here we go. Spill your guts.

Brenda: It was my crazy ex-husband...

Buzz: Lieutenant, this is making me really uncomfortable.

Provenza: Buzz, don't make me pull out my gun.

---

Young Man: Um, I was just wondering... Is there a reward for reporting a murder?

Brenda: Yes. [Takes the boy's hand and breaks into a smile] Thank you so much for serving the community.

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Brenda: [to Flynn] I should like to state as emphatically as I can how unhappy I am that you went over my head. This idea of yours is a no-go, because I don't like waiting around for two months while a judge determines exactly what a special master can do in this case and maybe lose the hearing. However, if we find ourselves reduced to pursuing alternatives of a dubious legal nature, or should the sun explode, I promise to reconsider your suggestion... Thank youuuu.

Brenda: [Sticks a gun in Gage's side] You feel that in your gut?

Gage: Are you loaded?

Brenda: Get off me or you're going to find out!

Brenda: Low functioning autistics have no language skills; they cannot survive independently by themselves. Keith is not like that. According to his school records, he's very intelligent but he does have issues : he's unemotional, frequently says inappropriate things, he's literal-minded, he gets fixated on minor details, he gets agitated when his routine is altered and he's extremely uncooperative when anything or anyone gets in the way of him doing what he wants.

Flynn: Does he have a Georgia accent?

---

Brenda: ...I like to have answers before I ask questions.

Brenda: [Holding out a meowing pillowcase] The cat's sick.

Gabriel: You brought your cat to a crime scene?

Brenda: It's not my cat, it just lives with me and eats at my house.

---

Provenza: [Handing out latex gloves] You might want to double up on your protective gear since this is a homicide.

Brenda: You seem to be having trouble with your pronunciation this evening.

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Pope: Where the hell is she?! I'm waiting here and I've got a very pissy state legislator in there.

Gabriel: She's having a personal crisis, Sir.

Pope: Yeah. It's called her life. [Muttering] Personal crisis...

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Brenda: They can even register as domestic partners, have the same rights as married people.

Provenza: Serves 'em right, too. Why shouldn't they suffer just like everybody else?

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Provenza: Taylor, what you doin' with our suspect?

Taylor: You know how it is, Provenza; the Pope giveth and the Pope taketh away.

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Brenda: How did I become one of these women with too many cats? How did this happen?!

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Provenza: After Taylor got him to confess, I went out...

Buzz: I?!

Provenza: Alright, WE, went out to find security tapes.

Medical Examiner: Are you feeling any better?

Brenda: No, thanks for asking.

---

Gabriel: [Chasing Brenda's kittens] That is not a litter box!

Provenza: [To Brenda] Don't drive mad!

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Brenda: We are running him down the flagpole and that's all that there is to it. If you want to examine the body, you may do so after I'm done.

[Albert's body comes crashing through the window]

Brenda: I'm done.

Provenza: I'm glad he's dead, 'cause that would have really hurt.

---

Yates: Look, we got off on the wrong foot yesterday.

Brenda: Maybe that's because it was in your mouth.

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Provenza: I've waited my whole career to say this: The butler did it.

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Coroner: That's disturbing.

Brenda: Was I right?

Coroner: That's what's disturbing.

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Yates: Are you sure you don't want to wait for your lawyer?

Dennis: I'm perfectly capable of ignoring your questions without him.

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Bloom: [after confessing to the murder] I'm really sorry that I never got the opportunity to knock off those horrible children. [pause] Is there a chance I could plead insanity?

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Brenda: If you attempt to interview Dennis without me, not only will I release Deanna and Devlin, I'll help them escape.

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Yates: I'll let you participate in this interview if you let me participate in yours.

Brenda: I'm a little bit past the "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" stage of life.

---

Brenda: That's your idea of an interview?! You just pick someone up and hope they tell you something?

Yates: What's wrong with that?

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Bloom: On Sunday at the time in question, Deanna was finishing up her 30-day detox at local rehab. She just got out yesterday morning.

[Deanna vomits into the toilet]

Brenda: I hope you kept the receipt.

---

Provenza: Ok, everybody; mark the date. [Long pause] I was wrong.

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Brenda: Oh, God; I can't believe it. I've got to arrest those awful Dutton children again.

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Dennis: Is it too much to hope that you and I might cross paths again one day?

Brenda: Be careful what you wish for, Mr. Dutton.

[Agent Jackson knocks Provenza over]

Gabriel: Lieutenant, are you all right?

Provenza: Oh, I don't know. I think I broke something!

Brenda: I am shocked that you would assault an old man without provocation!...Sergeant Gabriel, check and see if a paramedic can come down here and take a look at Lieutenant Provenza. [To Provenza] Are you ok?

Provenza: Old man?

---

Gabriel: This is L.A. The sun shines 329 days a year. That squint is not working for me. [Hands Brenda a bag, in which she finds two pairs of sunglasses]

Brenda: [Puts on a pair] This was completely unnecessary.

Gabriel: You're welcome.

[Brenda smiles]

---

Agent Jackson: We're not going to get in anybody's way, trust me.

Brenda: I stopped believing boys who said "trust me" when I was sixteen.

---

Taylor: Chief Pope, I need a word.

Pope: E-mail it to me.

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Brenda: [To Provenza] Oh, and I told the FBI that you hurt your wrist, so have that bandaged up before they get here.

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Brenda: [On the phone with Fritz] I'm going to have to deal with some pompous, arrogant oaf who doesn't know thing one about investigating a murder. You wouldn't happen to know who they're sending over, would you?

Fritz: [walking into Brenda's office talking on his cell phone] Yeah. I do.

---

Fritz: [commenting on Brenda's team] They're not the friendliest group I've ever met with.

Brenda: Well, they're a little slow to warm up.

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Taylor: What is it you need? Another pair of hands?

Gabriel: Yeah.

Flynn: I'll go.

Gabriel: Um, I mean, that'd be great, only...

Taylor: Only what?

Gabriel: Well, sir, um, Lt. Flynn is one of our best guys here at the department, but he and, um...

Flynn: The bitch hates my guts.

---

Tao: I Googled it. [To Fritz] It's an internet thing.

Fritz: Yeah, I know what Google is, Lieutenant. It's the FBI that has a hard time getting online, not me.

---

Fritz: Alright, we need to get some units over to this Crag Sherman's house right away. I'll call over to see if I can't get us FBI backup.

Brenda: Oh. Didn't I tell you? We picked him up fifteen minutes ago.

---

Flynn: Hey, you know what's funny?

Gabriel: What?

Flynn: She can't stand me. I'm doing everything I can to make her life miserable; and here you are - you've tried to help her out wherever you could, and she treats us both exactly the same. Heh.

---

Brenda: You must be upset.

Fritz: You know what would make me upset? Is if this whole working together thing screwed up our whole other thing.

Brenda: Well, hello William.

Croelick: Oh, it's Bill. It's just plain Bill.

Brenda: Alright, just plain Bill. I'm just plain Brenda, LAPD.

---

Brenda: How'd you get my address?

Croelick: Why, haven't you heard, I'm a criminal? But don't worry; as it turns out, you're not my type. Although I admit to liking a fiery woman, you're a little on the bossy side.

---

Taylor: Do us a favor. Send this girl to the crematorium as a Jane Doe. Keep Croelick in prison. Don't damage the reputation of our department to let the killer go free.

Pope: Here is the favor I will do for you: I will forget you said that.

---

[Brenda grabs a file from Fritz while they're kissing]

Brenda: Is this my Jane Doe?

Fritz: So much for foreplay.

---

Taylor: Well, that one's gonna cost her.

Flynn: You want to gloat to someone you're close to? Grab a mirror, Captain. I'm applying for permanent transfer to her squad.

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Gabriel: You have the right to remain silent! Why don't you use it?!

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Brenda: All I need from you is an expert to go over these dental records, match them with these teeth, and tell me which missing person she was.

Fritz: Ok. I'll bite.

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Flynn: Oh, man. A thousand bucks says I'm gonna be wearing this bullshit.

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Medical Examiner: What do we call this...Jane Doe?

Gabriel: The body formerly known as Lisa Barnes.

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Brenda: I promise this is the absolutely last time that Lisa will die.

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Brenda: Okay. Maybe this Samantha Jones lifted Bill Croelick's stainless steel lighter - with his fingerprints on it, made a copy of Lisa Barnes' driver's licence, stole a car, pushed it off a cliff, cutting her hands and feet off as she jumped into the falling car and set herself on fire. Maybe she trained for her suicide with Cirque du Soleil.

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Forensic odontologist: I wasn't asked to confirm the identity of the victim, just to confirm that the body was that of Lisa Barnes.

Provenza: Oh, so you had an excuse to be sloppy.

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Brenda: [to Sgt. Gabriel on the phone] I found Croelick. He's on my front porch. Be nice if we had some company.

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Taylor: [about Brenda] The FBI hates her. The DA's hate her. The forensics specialists hate her. Everyone wants Croelick back in jail. But no one's gonna help her get him there.

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Mr. Barnes: I have Lisa's death certificate [dated three years earlier]!

Brenda: So do I. Only mine's a little more recent.

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Brenda: Doctor, do you think you might take another peek inside?

Medical Examiner: [glancing at the charred skeletal remains of the Jane Doe in question] Chief Johnson, where exactly do you see an inside?!?

Gabriel: Well, I'd say the wife has a pretty airtight alibi.

Brenda: You know who needs airtight alibis? Murderers.

---

[Provenza notices something furry floating inside the hot tub in which the victim was found]

Provenza: Is that a rat?

Flynn: That's his hair replacement system.

Provenza: His what?!

Flynn: They used to call it a toupee.

Provenza: They used to call it bald, too.

---

Provenza: The water's still hot, this bottle's half empty. This guy got drunk and cooked to death.

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Mr. Mitchell: So, he's really dead?

Brenda: Yes, I'm so sorry.

Mr. Mitchell: Will this affect property values?

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Brenda: [After catching Provenza mocking her accent and task delegation] Lt. Provenza, I need this hurried through [using extra-heavy accent] SID, in about two shakes of a lamb's tail. [shaking wet toupee at him] Thank you so very much. Let's keep it taped off, ladies and gentlemen, because until we understand things better...[turns and looks at Provenza]

Provenza: Uh, [adding heavy southern accent] this is a crime scene, y'all.

---

Fritz: I made waffles.

Brenda: I have a waffle iron?

Fritz: Mm hmm.

---

Brenda: Conduct unbecoming? What about my conduct is unbecoming?

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Sandra: The Drill Team was his first film as a producer. And it never would've gotten made without me. I set it up; I attached Dick.

Provenza: [watching the interview] I bet she attached dick to a lot of things.

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Gabriel: So, you guys all heard, right? About the, uh, IA investigation?

Provenza: What IA Investigation?

Gabriel: An anonymous complaint against Deputy Chief Johnson. Conduct unbecoming. Anybody here know anything about that?

[Everyone turns and looks at Flynn]

---

Gabriel: Let's suppose I have no specific knowledge as to who filed the complaint. Suppose I were just to discuss the charge of conduct unbecoming an officer on its merits because Internal Affairs is going to ask me about it. And I'm going to answer them.

Taylor: And your response will be...?

Gabriel: I'm going to tell them that I've observed Deputy Chief Johnson on every case that she's worked and that I think that the charges against her are small-minded, petty, and malicious, and that I'm ashamed of whoever may have filed them. That's what I'm going to tell them.

Taylor: [Laughing] You feel better now? You feel righteous, all puffed up?

Gabriel: No, sir. I feel sick to my stomach. If you'll excuse me, I'm investigating a murder, Sir.

---

Brenda: So, you both worked for the Pruitts?

Gardener: Yes.

Brenda: And were you working at the Pruitts' house two evenings ago?

Gardener: [Looking at his partner, not really understanding English] Yes.

Brenda: And did you climb Mt. Everest in your undershorts?

Gardener: Yes.

Sanchez: Maybe this would go a little quicker if I handled it, Chief.

Brenda: Ya think?

Sanchez: [Imitating a heavy accent] Jes.

---

Brenda: I speak German, Russian, and am fully conversant in Czech, and I have to move to the one city where half of the people are from Latin America?

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Brenda: Did he just say avocado?

Buzz: No. Abogado.

Brenda: What does that mean?

Buzz: Attorney.

---

Mrs. Lopez: If you insist on coming back here without our permission, I intend to report you to your superiors for harassment.

Brenda: You might have to take a number.

---

Gabriel: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Brenda: I don't know. What are you thinking?

Gabriel: I'm thinking that no one could have gotten from here to Pruitt's house and back in under an hour. I mean there were shows at the Greek and Hollywood Bowl. It would have been bumper to bumper for miles. Is that what you were thinking?

Brenda: No. I was thinking about the subway.

Gabriel: Oh, yeah. We got a subway.

---

Gabriel: I've never ridden the subway. Something about going underground in a city that shakes. Kinda freaks me out a bit.

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Gabriel: [To Brenda] Look, I know this is a mess now, but you'll find your way through it...eventually. I know you will. I know you will.

---

Brenda: Lt. Provenza...

Provenza: Flynn and I are going to go back to Sandy.

Brenda: Why, exactly?

Flynn: Tie up loose ends.

Provenza: Girl's loose ends need tying.

---

Brenda: [To PHD team] I just want to say that there's been a complaint lodged against me - an anonymous complaint with Internal Affairs and there's a meeting about it tomorrow, and I don't know what's going to happen. Interrogating people, getting to the truth and knowing the right thing to do politically are two very different things. In fact, to do either of them very well, you have to pretty much ignore one of them altogether, which is what I've done. So now...I'm in trouble again, and I don't know if I'll even be here tomorrow evening, and if I'm not, I just wanted to tell you all how much I've enjoyed working with you. Y'all are just, just really great people.

---

Provenza: Ok. We all know what's going on here. The smart move is to not get involved until the dust settles.

Flynn: Yeah. That's the smart move, alright. What's your idea?

---

Brenda: I'd like to start with you, Ms. Powell. I'd like to say how sorry I am that I was unable to ignore your general level of incompetence in the wrongly obtained conviction in the case of Bill Croelick. And I'm sorry if you felt hurt and defensive about putting a man on death row for the wrong crime, and I certainly hope that that will never, ever happen again. Agent Jackson, I deeply regret that the FBI handed over two million dollars to a man on a terrorist watch list without the capacity to trace it, or managed to follow him for months without knowing his wife was having an affair with a doctor, and I hope you do much better in the future. Captain Taylor, I suppose I should apologize to you for not having been born in Los Angeles, but having seen you work up close now for several months, I can honestly say that try as I might, I can't think of any fair and reasonable system on earth where I wouldn't outrank you. There. I hope that clears everything up.

---

Dennis: Hey, whoa. Why don't you people just wait in the living room?

Gabriel: Hey, first of all we're not "you people", we're Los Angeles police, and when we show up unexpectedly, it's not because we have a problem, it's because you do. Now I suggest you step aside and be quiet.

---

Brenda: Lieutenant Flynn, your resignation surprised me most of all. The whole time I've been here, you've never said one complimentary thing about or to me.

Flynn: Chief, you have really great legs.

Brenda: Are you wearing your gun?

Fritz: [smiles] Yeah.

Brenda: Can I have it?

Fritz: What's wrong with yours?

Brenda: Well, in case you hadn't noticed, I'm off duty. So, would you let me borrow yours? For a minute, please? [Fritz hands her his sidearm] Could it really be that simple? [aims at mirror] Bang.

Fritz: What are you doing?

Brenda: Trust me... Trust me. [crouches down] Now walk towards me like you're trying to find out what I'm doing.

Fritz: [still smiling] I am trying to find out what you're doing.

Brenda: ["aims" hairbrush at Fritz] Bang. See? That's how I shoot Barak with Martin's gun, and then I shoot Martin with Barak's. That's how. 'Cause he knew Barak was coming. That's how. [kisses him] That's how.

---

Provenza: Gimme $100.

Flynn: I already gave you $100.

Provenza: You're way up.

Flynn: So what? You know where the ATM is. Besides, I say we cash in.

Provenza: Fine, fine, fine, we'll cash in. [grabs Ari] C'mon, Ari. You're cashing in, too.

Ari: Hey, don't touch me. [looking at Provenza's shirt] Who the hell are you, anyway?

Flynn: LAPD. We're here to give you a lift home.

Ari: Put that away, you stupid... look, I'm not leaving. And you can't do anything to me here anyway.

Provenza: Oh really? Hey! Hey everybody! Listen up! I wanna tell you about my friend Ari here.

Ari: Hey! Shut up, you idiot, you're gonna get me killed!

Flynn: Hey moron, now imagine us doing that, only on television, and all your cousin's friends find out that you're a snitch.

Provenza: [shoving all of Ari's chips to the center] And don't forget to tip the dealer.

Flynn: Let's go.

---

Hubbard: [agitated] I'm his father! Charlie's my son! I taught him how to walk! And I taught him how to read! And I taught him... I've been with him through seven surgeries and 38 procedures! And where was the great Tim Martin when it mattered, huh? Huh? Where was he? When Charlie's life was on the line? Where was he? Where was Tim Martin?

Brenda: I don't know, Det. Hubbard. But I know where he is now. I saw his brains splattered all over the floor of an abandoned warehouse while his body was being eaten by flies, and I can't help but think you may have overreacted.

Hubbard: You can't. You can't tell Charlie about him, this, you won't do that.

Brenda: I can and I will.

Taylor: Hey, hey, hey. Write it all down and we'll get you a deal from the D.A.

Brenda: You can wear a bracelet and stay with Charlie until his illness...resolves itself.

---

Brenda: Good morning, Det. Xavier, and the elusive Mr. Cohen. Here you are! So kind of you to join us.

Ari: I was dragged here against my will, and all I'm going to do is plead the Fifth.

Brenda: You can't plead the Fifth.

Ari: I can't?

Brenda: It would be a violation of the agreement you made with the D.A. to be a cooperating witness. So if you plead the Fifth, I'll arrest you as an accomplice in a double-homicide. So please, Mr. Cohen, do take a seat.

---

Capt. Leahy: Ma'am, I want to note you've used your investigation to smear Tim Martin's reputation and in this department that's just not the way we play ball.

Brenda: Well, Captain, if you don't like the way I'm doing things, you're free to take your balls and go straight home.

---

Brenda: Did you make the match?

Tao: Any minute.

Brenda: You don't have it?

Tao: It's coming.

Brenda: Lt. Tao, I need to start this interview, and if you don't finish I could be up a nasty-smelling creek without a paddle!

Tao: Just go slow. As soon as the match comes through I'll bring it directly to Gabriel. [Hands her two small chocolate-covered eclairs] Here. For all our sakes. Please.

Brenda: [accepts them] Thank you.

---

Brenda: [looks at phone as it's ringing, sighs] How do they always know? [answers it] Hi Mama. How are you?...I'm good. I'm at work, but I have a minute. Is everything all right?... [Fritz enters] Great Aunt Who? Mama, is this someone I've even met?...No, I just ran upstairs and I'm out of breath. ... I don't know where Santa Clarita is.

Fritz: It's just north of here.

Brenda: [shushes him] Alright, I'll send her a get well card or something. Can you spell the last name? E-U-L-E-S-S...Mama, I have never met this woman before in my life, I swear...Well, what's wrong with her?...Oh for heaven's sake. If she's been in a coma for two years, how much worse can she get?...Look, I can't talk about this right now because I'm about to, um, interview a serial killer who just stabbed 30 people to death. Alright, alright. OK. Bye!

---

Flynn: So, he's not in his room. [Provenza keeps playing] And I think we've pretty well determined he's not over here. And where'd you get that shirt anyway? The '80s?

Provenza: Your ex-wife loved it. Said it was easier to unbutton than anything you ever wore. Put your glasses on, old man; turn around and take a gander. Ari's right over there playing blackjack. And there's two open seats next to him. Now I say that we put him under tight surveillance for an hour or so.

Flynn: You're kidding me, right? That's a $25 table.

Provenza: There's an ATM next to the cashier, and I am feeling luck-eeeee.

---

Hubbard: I'd heard Xavier had an alibi.

Brenda: Oh, it'd fall apart in a dryer.

---

Taylor: Chief Johnson?

Brenda: Yes?

Taylor: I just want to make sure I understand why you're bringing Det. Xavier back in?

Brenda: I want to question him.

Taylor: Why?

Brenda: Because I need more answers.

Taylor: Did you ever ask him where he was last Saturday morning when the murders were committed? Because I looked into it, and he was at home, on the phone for two hours.

Brenda: Well, his line was busy. That doesn't mean he was on it.

Taylor: I'm trying to help you here, Chief. Xavier has an excellent record, and yes, Tim Martin, he might have been a womanizer, but if you can't tell how much people respected him around here, you're not looking.

Brenda: Trust me. I see it.

Taylor: If you end up smearing a man who gave his life to the badge ...

Brenda: I have factored your concerns into how I'm dealing with this case. Anything else commander?

Taylor: No ma'am. Just trying to be of assistance.

---

Linda: If you're gonna treat me like a criminal, shouldn't I have an attorney?

Brenda: Oh, we'd get in such trouble if we gave legal advice. I was trying to get you in and out, but if having a lawyer would make you feel more comfortable, you just call one, and we'll wait. That's the nice thing about working for the government. You get paid for just being here.

Linda: That's how you're treating Tim's death? As an overtime opportunity?

Brenda: Well, I was going to ask you some questions ...

Linda: What do you think I could know?

Brenda: Well, I'm not sure, ma'am. But there was a third person in that warehouse and we're trying to figure out who that could've been. I'm only bringing it up because you were the first person to report him missing, and you are licensed to carry a handgun.

Linda: And I carry a handgun because it is my constitutional right to do so. And I have an ex who is also a cop and likes to drive by my house sometimes at night and flash his brights in my window. He even knocked on the door at Tim's one night. Drunk.

Brenda: Are you talking about Lawrence Xavier?

Linda: I am.

Gabriel: If he intimidated you, why didn't you report him?

Linda: Because Tim talked me out of it. He said he'd put a stop to it, and he did. And I only got one more call from Lawrence complaining about how much money he had wasted on our dates. So I sent him a check for $1,000 by messenger and y'know what? He cashed it, too. A------.

---

Brenda: We'll talk about this...all this...later...this evening or something...

Fritz: This reluctance of yours, it has nothing to do with what's going on with Pope, does it?

Brenda: What's going on with Pope?

Fritz: His wife served him with divorce papers last Friday. You didn't know?

Brenda: No.

Fritz: What do you do for a living again?

---

Buzz: [Cleaning up his workstation, handing the snack wrappers to Sanchez] Guys, this is a surveillance center, not a concession stand. And I'm not your maid, ok?!

Sanchez: Why don't you calm down, Buzz?

---

Brenda: I can manage this. You look tired. Why don't you head on home?

Pope: [Rolls eyes] Please don't use the techniques you employ in there [pointing to the Interrogation Room] on me. Something you'd like to know, ask me.

Brenda: Well, I didn't think it was any of my business. I just...I heard you were getting a divorce, that's all.

Pope: I'm not getting a divorce. Estelle's getting a divorce. The job, the hours. She's seeing someone else. They're getting married. So no alimony. She doesn't want our kids because he doesn't want them. So there's that. And y'know, at some point it will...stop hurting and I'll just...hate her and go on with my life.

---

Brenda: [to Fritz, on the subject of their moving in together] There are all these problems that would have to be worked out.

Fritz: Like ... like what?

Brenda: Like gettin' a new phone, for one thing, because you couldn't answer mine when my parents called.

Fritz: That really isn't a ... problem ...

Brenda: And I can be just impossible.

Fritz: I like that you're impossible sometimes.

Brenda: Well, what if you stopped? Stopped liking me?

Fritz: If I was gonna stop liking you, I would have done it already.

Brenda: Good. Well, look, I haven't had a lot of success living with guys, and it could just ruin everything.

Fritz: Yes, but if, uh, we're trying to sort of become closer, more like full partners, living together would give us a chance to see what that would be like.

---

Brenda: Lt. Provenza, are you eatin' chocolate in here?

Provenza: [With a guilty look] Sorry.

Brenda: I thought we'd agreed to keep snacks with processed sugar out of the murder room. If y'all have to have candy please do so in the hallways or the electronics room. Or you could try givin' it up. Since I stopped eatin' all that crap I have more energy. And I'm sleepin' better too.

Flynn: What about nuts?

Brenda: Excuse me?

Flynn: Are my nuts allowed in here?

Brenda: Do they have sugar on them, Lieutenant?

Flynn: No, they're salty.

Brenda: Well, there's your answer, then.

---

Pope: [into cellphone, presumably with Estelle] You could've told me about it in person. In advance. Yeah, I can't talk about this now, I'm sorry you feel that way, but we've just lost a 15-year veteran in a shootout and that's actually more important than you are at the moment. [clicks off] Leahy, is it true your men were circulating 100 flyers of some guy who was not connected to the crime?

Leahy: I got 98 of them back, sir.

Pope: And where is Det. Martin's partner?

Leahy: Det. Xavier is waiting in Cmdr. Taylor's officer with the murder book and the informant packet.

Pope: So unless you'd like to start collecting your pension tomorrow, Central had better back off and allow Priority Homicide do its job. You're dismissed.

Brenda: Captain, I'm so sorry, but we're gonna need all of these flyers, because otherwise ...

Pope: That's good enough for me. Ninety-eight percent is fine. Go on Captain. (Leahy leaves)

Brenda: You understand that this is not a picture of the informant Det. Martin was working with.

Pope: I don't want to talk about this anymore. [closes door] You left a police officer lying next to the man who shot him, and that is never done.

Brenda: The reason I left Det. Martin lying there is that police officers are trained to fire in bursts. And Martin only put one shot into Barak. One. And the bodies were lying close together. Too close. And what was Martin doing there in the first place? Now, he and Det. Xavier were working with an undercover informant and I need to question him.

Pope: You can't release the informant's name to law enforcement.

Brenda: Well, how am I supposed to talk to him, Will? What if he's not just ... just waitin' by the phone?

Pope: Why is it you can never do your job without constantly complaining about everything? The informant was guaranteed anonymity. [calms down] You can release his name to one other member of your squad and that's it. Now I've upheld your authority with the entire department looking on. But when a police officer is killed, we expect closure quickly and completely. Is that clear?

Brenda: Yes it is. Your attitude, however, is a complete mystery.

---

Brenda: So Lt. Provenza, summin' up what we know so far. Alone and on his day off, Detective Tim Martin enters an abandoned warehouse in downtown Los Angeles 30 miles from his home in Long Beach. By coincidence, Mr. Barak, a murder suspect in a double homicide Martin is working happens to enter the same warehouse. They both draw their weapons and fire at the exact same time. Fatally wounded they instantly drop dead where they stand. What would you say the chances are it happened like that?

Provenza: Apparently, 100 percent.

Brenda: What are you doing?

Provenza: Being nice.

Brenda: You're not nice. And you're on duty.

Provenza: Well, give me the afternoon off.

Brenda: My mother is married. To my father.

Provenza: Relax, Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh. I don't date women over 35. 40 if I'm drinking.

Brenda: Alright, then. You can have her back by 7:00, because I have a dinner I cannot miss.

---

Provenza: I brought this back from the funeral for you. Since you're off sweets. It's a...cake-like object made with some sort of...prune crap substitute for sugar.

Brenda: [Tastes it, then throws it away] There is no substitute for sugar.

---

Taylor: Congratulations, Chief. You got your mistrial.

Brenda: It's not my mistrial; it's my arrest. You'd think people would be happy to put a genuine killer behind bars.

Taylor: Aram Asourian is the leader of a mob family.

Brenda: Well, maybe next time you can pair him up with a crime he's actually committed. Personally, I always feel better about the justice system when it matches up murder charges with the right person.

Taylor: Then it's too bad Vahan didn't confess to killing the juror, too.

Brenda: Well, maybe he didn't. But Bela Rose didn't die a natural death. And thanks to Lt. Flynn's determination, which I know you in the L.A.P.D. are desperate to acknowledge, I now can talk to the jurors who actually saw her die.

---

Tao: [Staking out Vahan's apartment] He's been in there all day.

Flynn: If you had his girlfriend, you'd be in there all day, too.

---

Brenda: Mr. Millbrook. Thank you so much for stopping by. How goes your motion for a mistrial?

Millbrook: It doesn't.

Brenda: I expected better of you. All right then. I have been reviewing the transcripts of this trial and in presenting your client's defense, you never once brought up his son, Vahan. And it looks like he's the one who set the fire.

Millbrook: Asourian won't let me mention the boy. And Vahan's vanished. Nobody's seen him in years.

Brenda: I keep wondering how wonderful it would be if Vahan were suddenly just to turn up. You'd get your mistrial and preserve your sterling reputation. More billable hours. All sorts of good things could happen.

Millbrook: Yes, well, Asourien won't let me mention the boy, though. He's very serious about that.

Brenda: Well, maybe we'll get lucky and someone'll just turn up with an untraceable tip that'll lead us to Vahan. And this can all end.

Millbrook: How untraceable?

Brenda: They'll find weapons of mass destruction in Baghdad first.

---

Brenda: Mama, I'm so sorry, but I'm not gonna be able to take you to this funeral after all.

Willie Rae: What?

Brenda: I wish I could but I have this murder I have to investigate.

Willie Rae: Oh for heaven's sake, there are murders every day of the week. And your Aunt Floetta will only have one funeral.

---

Gabriel: [To Fritz, regarding Brenda] I get that look, too, sometimes. That is not a good look.

Brenda: I can't believe I left my mother with Fritz for the whole day.

Gabriel: She'll be fine.

Brenda: I'm not worried about my mother.

---

Brenda: We need them to talk to us, so don't tell them you're from homicide; just say LAPD. When people see you at their door and you say homicide, you lose them and any chance of learning something useful. Ask if anyone else is there, just in case they pass out when they hear the news. I had to stay with a mother once who fainted, slammed her head on a coffee table and I was stuck waiting for an ambulance with a bleeding, unconscious woman. Answer any question they have with another question. We need to find out if they saw their son, might even tell us something about their relationship with him. Maybe even who he hangs out with. How you say it is up to you. Once you tell them, watch closely. How they react, what's the first thing they think of? Now get ready. You're about to become the main character in the story of someone's worst day ever.

---

Taylor: You know, a non-fatal gang related shooting on 81st Street isn't usually considered the jurisdiction of priority homicide. Seems less like you're doing your job than more like you're doing a favor.

Brenda: I'm not doing anyone any favors.

Taylor: Just -- can I just say thank you?

Brenda: For what? Wesley's still dead.

Taylor: You saved his reputation.

Brenda: A lot good that does him now.

Taylor: Maybe so, but that's all his parents have left.

Brenda: Mr. Sarkisian, why don't you tell us about the previous tenant? I believe her name was Catherine Landis.

Mr. Sarkisian: Ask the neighbors!

Brenda: Excuse me, Mr. Sarkisian. I don't think I made clear exactly who I am. I'm Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson with the LAPD, and I don't give tickets; I arrest people. So unless you're certain that every property you own is in compliance with all municipal housing codes, I'd answer my questions without hesitation. Do we understand each other, sir?

---

Brenda: Why aren't they using Robbery/Homicide's interview room?

Sanchez: Technical problems with their monitors.

Daniels: [holds up RCA cables] Bless me, mother, for I have sinned.

Brenda: [smiles] We are all going to hell.

Hotel Manager: Does she have to yell?

Pope: She sometimes forgets there are other people [pauses] in the world.

Brenda: Oh, for heaven's sake, it is a head. Oh, my Lord, I found some feet!

Homeless Guy: Do these feet go with this head?

Gabriel: I sure hope so. 

---

Brenda: [after throwing up] ... dirty diapers in that trash over there...

Gabriel: yeah, because there's nothing else around here to make a person sick. [looking at the decapitated head and feet]

Brenda: I don't want to here another word about you and Daniels, ok? Just ... keep it to yourself. [Referring to the news of Gabriel and Daniels dating]

Brenda: You know what, Mr. Andrews? I am starting to get a really good picture of you with a needle in your arm. So, now comes the time when we stop lying and start telling each other the truth. I can either arrest you for first degree murder with the special circumstance of lying in wait, which carries with it the death penalty, or I can bring the DA in here and you can confess. Maybe even save your life, which is a chance your wife and daughter never had. All I want to know, really, is why? Did you kill Yumi and Aiko because you had a new girlfriend, or was it to save your house and your business? Is that it? Did you murder your wife and child to avoid splitting up your assets?

Paul Andrews: Do I really seem like such a monster to you?

Brenda: You look human enough.

Brenda: Mr. Pierce, I believe we've gotten off on the wrong foot. I'm confident that with your cooperation we can resolve this situation right now.

Howard Pierce: I agree.

Brenda: All I need is the surgery video, the boy's charts, and to have a short conversation with the physicians.

Howard Pierce: Well, that's not going to happen.

Brenda: Excuse me?

Howard Pierce: You want to resolve this quickly? Let me help you. There. Was. No. Murder. You need to turn that operating suite back over to us right now.

Brenda: [looks at Mr. Pierce long and hard] Sergeant Gabriel, please notify the building operations that we'll be shutting down this floor. Nothing goes in or out without our permission. Nothing.

Howard Pierce: You can't do that!

Brenda: [points her finger in Mr. Pierce's face] One more word out of you and I will padlock this entire hospital and arrest you for interfering with a murder investigation.

---

Pope: We don't know there was malpractice, much less a crime, much less a murder. So let's be clear about what's going on here: you're launching a full investigation into a nationally respected hospital based on the hunch of a hysterical woman.

Brenda: Daniels and I both felt she might be telling the truth.

Pope: Okay. Make that three hysterical women.

Brenda: I know you don't want me to respond to that.

Pope: No.

---

Brenda: We are asking for minimal cooperation.

Howard Pierce: And I am telling you that these doctors records are protected and they will remain confidential. [to Pope] And let me give you a word of warning, sir, that the legal principles at stake in this case are more important than you seem to imagine. Now I urge you to think very carefully about what you do next.

Pope: [dials a phone number] Martha, get me Martin Garnett, please. Thank you. [hangs up] Garnett is the deputy district attorney. I'm going to ask him to get a grand jury to issue subpoenas for everything related to the Langer case. Just to satisfy my own stupid, uninformed curiosity.

Tom Blanchard: Now, some ground rules for this next deposition. First rule: don't do their jobs for them. Keep your answers short and simple. Don't guess, Don't argue.

Brenda: Mr. Blandard, are you honestly telling me how to conduct myself in an interview?

Blanchard: Ms. Johnson, you're about to enter a room where you don't get to ask the questions.

---

Barbara, Estelle Pope's attorney: We're here to talk about family and the threat posed to family when the father isn't up to the job. Ms. Johnson, since you have arrived in Los Angeles, you and Will Pope have worked very closely together. Long days . . . sometimes long nights, weekends. How much time does Mr. Pope actually have to spend with his children when it's really you he's spending time with?

Blanchard: Objection.

Barbara: On what grounds?

Blanchard: Your question is argumentative, harassing, and ends with a preposition. Kindly rephrase.

Barbara: This is ridiculous, Tom—

Brenda: Chief Pope and I are not having an affair!

Blanchard: Excuse me, Ms. Johnson. Will you kindly refrain from speaking? . . . Now, Barbara, if you're going to pursue this line of questioning I would remind you that Chief Pope didn't leave his first wife for Ms. Johnson. He left her for Estelle. And unlike the future ex–Mrs. Pope, whose infidelity brings us here in the first place, Ms. Johnson has never broken a vow of marriage. So any attempt by your client to besmirch Deputy Chief Johnson's reputation will be considered harassment and grounds for a very long, expensive, and embarrassing lawsuit. During which I will drag your client into court and we can examine Estelle Pope's adulterous behavior with vigorous attention to detail. [turns to the stenographer] Are you getting all this?

Brenda: You know what else I think?

Gerald Curtis: That stupid girl.

Brenda: The description Carl gave is probably that of Steven Brandt, who I believe drove you away from the QwikMart after the robberies, and once Carl gave that description to your defense attorneys, you thought that Steven might be scared into killing him. You were right. I wonder how Steven will feel when he knows that you have a description out? You can't trust anyone these days.

Gerald Curtis: Go to hell. I want my lawyer!

Brenda: And especially you couldn't trust Carl, a fifteen year old boy who might fall to pieces on the witness stand if examined too closely. And if I were to find out that you had written all of that out for Kendall so she could help Carl make his testimony more believable? Why, that would be as good as a confession.

Gerald Curtis: I said go to hell.

Brenda: You first!

Brenda: Oh, he's probably terrified.

Fritz: She. She's probably terrified.

---

Brenda: I don't see why I'm so upset, he's just a stupid cat.

Fritz: She. She's just a stupid cat.

---

[Kitty, who has been missing, returns home]

Brenda: Bad kitty! Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad! Look at you! You are a mess! What have you been doing?

Fritz: I know you're good at your job, honey, but I don't think Kitty's gonna answer you.

Pope: An old friend of ours would like to speak with you. You remember Andrew Schmidt.

Brenda: Andrew, what are you doing here?

Schmidt: Nice to see you again too, Brenda.

Brenda: Oh, I'm sorry. I mean, it's nice to see you, but --

Schmidt: What am I doing here? [to Pope] She was always very quick to get to the point, wasn't she. [to Brenda] And you don't seem to have aged at all.

Brenda: Neither have you, sir.

Schmidt: [to Pope] She's also one of the best liars I have ever known.

Gabriel: Something's bothering me a little.

Brenda: What's that, sergeant?

Gabriel: This whole CIA thing. I don't know how much I trust them. How I feel about the people who work there, you know?

Brenda: I know. It's a gray area. I remember once hearing a speech about what it meant to be on officer of the CIA. The man who gave this speech talked about the struggle to control civilization and how we're always fighting the same fight, and he used the Dark Ages as an example. He talked about how on one side you had the pragmatic king who was greedy and power hungry and basically took advantage of people whenever he could. And on the other side you had the idealistic church, forcing everyone to follow the same rules, have the same beliefs, all that. Neither the king nor the church was ever completely right or wrong. Both sides ended up doing terrible things to get what they wanted. Really terrible things. But the point of the story was this: that this struggle from the Dark Ages had been going on forever, and the church and the king might take on different forms and philosophies, but they would always fight each other, pragmatist and idealist, and that most times you're better off standing on the sidelines and letting them duke it out. But every once in a while one side or the other decides it might be better to just blow up the whole world just to get its own way, and when that happens you can't stand on the sidelines anymore. You have to pick a team. And so for tonight, anyway, we're serving the king.

Gabriel: This isn't the way to Lompoc.

Brenda: No, we're going to the airport.

Gabriel: We're taking the LAPD plane? I thought you were supposed to be saving money.

Brenda: No, Sergeant, we're supposed to be finding a murderer and we are not doing it in the carpool lane.

---

Gabriel: So on paper, you transfer everybody from Priority Homicide to the counter-terrorism bureau . . .

Pope: Whoa, whoa, whoa . . . you guys don't have the mandated training for that.

Gabriel: See sir, that's the best part. The federal government will actually pay you to bring us up to code; thousands of dollars per person which you could add to your budget shortfalls.

Pope: Well, that's . . . that's fantastic! So officially, you would all be transferred to the counter-terrorism bureau, which would satisfy the state, while in actuality I could just loan you right back to Priority Homicide.

Gabriel: Exactly, sir. Because you only need more people in counter-terrorism when the threat level goes up. I mean, if you were to transfer them there permanently, you'd just be . . .

Pope: . . . paying people to just stand around most of the time. Yeah, I hate that. You know, Sergeant, for bureaucrats, this plan of yours is the equivalent of turning water into wine. My only question is, why are you here suggesting it instead of Chief Johnson?

Gabriel: Well, uh . . . sir, I thought she might like this idea better if she thought it was . . .

Pope: . . . my idea. Uh-huh. Well, I see you've worked out every detail, including who she's going to blame. That's real genius.

[Gabriel interrupts Brenda's interrogation of a high-profile inner city official.]

Gabriel: Dont. Don't do this.

Brenda: What? Sergeant, now is not the time to discuss this.

Gabriel: Kenyon Richards devotes his life to feeding and helping people, saving lives in some of the poorest communities in this city.

Brenda: We will talk about this later. [She turns to go back in the interview room, but Gabriel intercepts her]

Gabriel: If you arrest him, you will be sending a message to every gangster in town there there is no point to change, that they're beyond forgiveness, that no matter who they become, they will always be who they were.

Brenda: I am not sending a message. I'm solving a murder. That is my job. [Brenda tries to open the interview room door, but Gabriel grabs the knob.]

Gabriel: I thought our job was to protect and serve. Who are we protecting by sending him to prison? Who are we serving? Okay, I don't know who Kenyon Richards was 15 years ago, but the man he is today, the man that he has become, does not deserve this!

Brenda: That is for a judge and jury to decide. Now, if you are ready to substitute your own personal sense of right and wrong for the law, which is what we are sworn to uphold, you should turn your badge in today. Step aside. Now. [Gabriel stares her down] I said, step aside, Sergeant! [Gabriel angrily releases the knob and Brenda goes back in the interview room]

Michelle Morgan: [the body blocking the church stairs leading to her wedding] Excuse me! I don't know what is going on here, but this is MY day and I want that body moved this instant!

---

Pope: [about the video on YouTube] You shut down a church. And a funeral home. You arrested a bride.

Brenda: I did that groom a big favor.

Pope: I'm sure, but his family's in the lobby and they, surprisingly, don't agree. The father of the bride who has money coming out of...whatever, you choose an orifice, is threatening a major lawsuit. Ray Hodge's relatives are furious, and what could have been just a minor embarrassment is now a complete disaster. Oh, and congratulations, Chief Johnson! You've just become the most downloaded, fully-clothed woman on the Internet!

---

Taylor: This business with the bride would have been far worse had Chief Johnson actually done anything effectively to defend herself.

Brenda: When Ms. Morgan attacked me, I made a conscious choice not to respond.

Taylor: Clearly.

---

Provenza: [with a mouth full] Nothing tastes better than somebody else's wedding cake. Mine tasted like prison food.

---

Brenda: Do you think he... might have been involved with her? [about the dead girl]

Maggie Hodge: With Ray's heart, he couldn't raise a flag...and viagra would have been suicide.

---

Pope: [walking into a crowded hall] I am looking for some instant SHUT-UP! NOW!

---

Brenda: Detective, what do you think of my lipstick?

Daniels: Uh, you asking me as a friend or the Chief?

---

Brenda: [handing the bride her cake topper] I'm sorry. I almost forgot. You know, giving this back to you, is almost as sweet as... the icing on your cake.

Roger Stimple: [to Gabriel, who is alone in the room with him] You see, every one pretends kids don't want sex. But they do. You remember when you were a kid? It's all you thought about. There's nothin' wrong with it. It's biology. And besides, black girls are different.

Gabriel: Is that right?

Stimple: I mean, look at her. Black girls are way more sexy and mature than white girls. It's why they have kids so young. You probably grew up swimming in black ass. It's the way they walk; shake-shake-shakin that thang...

Provenza: [watching from the video room as Gabriel heads around to the other side of the table] Kill the feed, Buzz.

Buzz: But the chief said...

Provenza: I said, kill it! [Buzz turns off the camera feed and heads for the door] Do NOT leave this room!!

Buzz: [clearly nervous] Why not?

Provenza: Because Sergeant Gabriel is about to make a break in the case.

---

Stimple: [after having confessed to raping and murdering three girls] Wait, what's going to happen to me?

Brenda: You'll be kept in isolation here until morning, then you'll be handed over to county under the supervision of the sheriff's department, and after that? I have no idea.

Stimple: You don't understand. If they put me back in general population, they'll beat me. They'll beat me.

Brenda: No, Roger. I do understand. What I'm trying to tell you is: I don't care.

Brenda: Let me guess, natural causes?

Dr. Morales: If we were guessing, I wouldn't be cutting the old guy open, pulling out his intestines. I'd be at brunch, with my friends, having a mimosa.

Brenda: Well, Dr. Morales, I'm so sorry to interrupt your Sunday, but its important to establish that Mr. Kaplan here is not a homicide victim.

Morales: Well then, wipe off your crystal ball, honey, because this guessing game isn't working for you.

---

Sanchez: [the squad is searching a nursing home] It kills me. White people pay all this money to store their families in places like this. We throw some carpet in the garage, everyone's welcome.

---

Provenza: [concerning their suspect's room in the nursing home] Wait a minute. I do recognize him. Baxter. Donald Baxter. He had the police beat on the newspaper when I was first starting out, chief. How did he end up here?

Sanchez: Don't worry, Lieutenant. I'll come visit you.

---

Taylor: [concerning Baxter's previous complaints] You know, Chief, we get this kind of stuff all the time. It's hard enough staying on top of the crimes we find, much less the ones people make up. And the guy was, you know...

Brenda: I know exactly what happened. Mr. Baxter's old and...difficult. Because of that, he was dismissed out of hand. And I know that's what happened because that's exactly what I've been trying to do to him myself. And when we just dumped a complaint in the trash, a few more human beings went with it.

---

Whaley: Are you actually talking about putting me in prison?

Brenda: Don't worry. It's not that different from Summerview, really. You have to sign in to visit people, friends and relatives tend to forget you exist, and at some point, the state of California may just put you out of your misery.

Whaley: Well, I certainly don't deserve this!

Brenda: You're right, Mr. Whaley. Unfortunately, it's the worst I can do to you.

Brenda: Actually, Doctor, I am feeling a little weird and the cold medicine I took seems to be making my heart race. Is that normal?

Dr. Morales: Ok, first: stay over there. Because whatever you have, I don't want it.

Brenda: Sorry. Do you want to know my symptoms?

Morales: Do you have insurance?

Brenda: Yes, I do.

Morales: Then see your own doctor. You end up dying, I promise to find out why.

---

Morales: Also Mr. Cooper had dinner less than an hour before he was killed. Maybe an Italian restaurant. Looks like pumpkin ravioli; don't often find it this time of year. Some risotto, lots of bread...

Terrence: You sure this guy was a fitness instructor? That's an awful lot of carbs.

---

Brenda: [to Lt. Tao, who is wearing a hazmat suit] Take off...TAKE OFF THIS RIDICULOUS HELMET! And the suit! All of it! For heaven's sakes!

Tao: Chief, this could end the entire training session!

Brenda: Well, some things are more important, Lt. Tao. Now, Buzz, I need you to put on this hat and that suit. And hurry!

Buzz: You want me to go out there and pretend to be Lt. Tao?

Brenda: Yes! Exactly!

Buzz: Do I have to over-explain everything?

Tao: Hey!

---

Tiffany: This is a tapestry of justice! That's what it is! A complete tapestry!

---

[WMD training has ended]

Mr. Cox: Time! Qualification has been achieved. You may all remove your gear and sign the queue log, please. [everyone removes their hazmat suits and signs out except Buzz]

Flynn: It's ok, Tao. You can take the helmet off now. [Buzz takes off the helmet and signs out, to everyones surprise]

Cox: You're Michael Tao?

Buzz: That's Lieutenant Michael Tao.

Provenza: He's adopted.

Brenda: If there's one thing my job has taught me: everything changes when you say it out loud.

Fritz: I was planning on doing this at dinner tonight. It probably would be been more romantic, but chances are you'd still probably be working. And this damn thing doesn't really fit in my pocket, so...

Brenda: What damn thing?

Fritz: I know in your heart you're a bit of an old fashioned girl, so... [gets down on bended knee and takes out a box with a diamond ring] You see, I've arrived at that place where I can't imagine life without you. And let me just say I love you more than anything else in the world. Brenda, will you marry me? Please?

Brenda: You're only asking me because you feel sorry for me.

Fritz: No, I don't. Not at all.

Brenda: Yes, you do.

Fritz: I don't feel sorry. I'm not being nice. You are the woman I've been looking for my whole life and I'm taking advantage of you when you're most vulnerable because I want you to say yes. So please say yes.

Brenda: It's so beautiful. It's ok if I keep my own name?

Fritz: Of course.

Brenda: Well, if you don't have any better sense than to ask me, I guess I better marry you. Because I think you're the guy I've been looking for too. And here we are. We found each other.

Pope: We've moved that writer's suicide over the Hollywood division, so you all are on the shooting full-time now. Chief Johnson believes that are the best detectives in the building. So, prove her right.

---

Clay Johnson: When you wanted to Georgetown I said no, and you went anyway. When you wanted to go work for the State Department I said no, and you did it anyway. Then when you called to say you were going to work for the D.C. Police your mama nearly had to sit on me to keep me from driving the van up there and kidnapping you. Over the years I've tried standing in your way several times and you always ran right over me. Capiche? If you want to go back to work, you go back to work. I've always found it's easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, you know what I mean?

Fritz: I thought I knew how much shame you had, but now I see there's a level below. A whole sub-basement of shamelessness.

Brenda: I'm horrible, I know.

Fritz: No, actually. I'm kind of impressed.

Brenda: Well, will you help me, then?

---

Pope: Chief Johnson, is it true that you have a camcorder in evidence belonging to Yi Chu, Deputy Undersecretary of Agricultural Affairs for the Peoples Republic of China?

Brenda: Well, I knew it belonged to a Yi Chu, I didn't know it belonged to the Yi Chu.

Pope: Mr. Chu says he called repeatedly and told you that he borrowed the camera from his boss, and he's afraid to return to China without it.

Brenda: Is he asking for asylum?

Pope: This may surprise you, but in some cultures, supervisors are still shown a modicum of respect and employees actually try to please the boss! So lose the attitude and see this guy gets his damn camera back! I don't need any more grief from the Chinese consul and I definitely don't need it from you! Please tell me I did not just say all that in front of your parents!

Brenda: There's a female investigator working for an intelligence agency who was in a relationship who you seduced into coming to Los Angeles on a regular basis. It all sounds so familiar, and yet I'm surprised.

Pope: Do you want to talk about this...in detail?

Brenda: Just drop it.

Pope: Because we can.

Brenda: Drop it, I said. And tell me what else you know about the victim that can help me.

Pope: Maggie was honest. Except about me with her husband, she was an honest person. She was a relentless investigator. She believed in what she was doing. Her personal life may have been a bit of a mess, but she was extremely professional. And she was stubborn when she was right, which she almost always was.

Brenda: Thanks.

[Fritz is putting lights on a Christmas tree, while Brenda is sitting on the couch, unwinding the lights and sulking]

Fritz: Brenda, is something wrong?

Brenda: This is ridiculous.

Fritz: Our real estate agent said it would help sell the house, give it a "home for the holidays" vibe. And we both know Gary doesn't lie.

Brenda: [scoffs] Gary. He hasn't brought us an offer in three months, suddenly he calls out of the blue and we're supposed to hop to? Because he's got "the buyer", again?

Fritz: Brenda, if you don't wanna show the house, just say so.

Brenda: I want to show the house, I just don't wanna waste the day decorating it for one couple!

Fritz: Is it really so terrible to have the house feeling a little festive?

Brenda: I do not like it when I am ordered to be festive!

Clay: You have a tough job. You have to make hard decisions. And I guess if I would trust anybody to make hard decisions, it'd be my little girl.

Provenza: Family Law Attorney Real Property Lien. FLARPL.

Flynn: Sounds like something you would get at a Dairy Queen. In India.

Provenza: Well, its a law permitting asshole divorce lawyers to put a lien on a clients home to ensure payment.

Flynn: Your second wife?

[Provenza holds up four fingers]

Fritz: You see, being a alcoholic isn't such a bad thing as long as you don't pour yourself a drink.

---

Fritz: Apparently you put the house on the market.

Brenda: Well, you have to do that to sell it, apparently. Where we'll go after that, I have no idea, since we haven't been able to find the thing we're looking for and honestly the idea of strangers walking around my stuff bothers the living daylights out of me. And I thought that I said we would wait and sell this place after we found something else and were moved out, but I guess that's not what I said.

Fritz: I'm sorry we fought. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the drinking, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I said all that about you.

Brenda: No, no. I'm not always straightforward. You were right about that. I don't always know what to say, so I say the thing I know the other person wants to hear.

Fritz: It's an occupational hazard.

Brenda: And I miss chocolate so much.

---

Gabriel: For keeping the team together despite some pretty hefty pressure, and for trusting her instincts, about us too, by the way, and for how she always works so hard to get her man: I say, Hail to the Chief.

All: To the Chief!

Brenda: You know, I should have the authority to reject journalists if I think that they're going to get in the way my investigation.

Pope: Authority? What about my authority. I get orders, too, okay? Mine were absolutely clear in this case: improve relations between the LAPD and the media. That is what I am doing. Commander Taylor is assisting me and I expect your enthusiastic cooperation.

Brenda: [looks away in frustration] Fine, Will. Whatever you want.

Pope: Besides, it's a big story. I'd rather have him reporting it from inside than guessing from out on the street. He might even prove to be an asset of some --

Brenda: [sarcastically] Yes, journalists, they're so helpful we'll want them on every case.

Pope: I take it this is your attempt at enthusiasm?

Brenda: I'm sorry. I meant to say yippee!

---

Brenda: You can't leave the curtains open! Someone is going to see Kitty and then there's going to be big, big trouble.

Fritz: We can't meet the upstairs neighbor because the landlord said no pets. We have to keep the curtains closed 24 hours a day because the landlord said no pets. It's like living with Anne Frank.

Brenda: [Lt. Tao uncovers a dead body] Oh! What is that smell?!

Tao: Margaritas! One is never enough, two is too many, and twelve? Well, you're looking at twelve.

---

Brenda: My hit-and-run turned out to be a hit-and-run-around-the-block-and-then-hit-him-again...and run.

---

Brenda: Anything useful come out of Commander Taylor's press release?

Daniels: Four calls saying 'It is a good day', a guy called and said that he killed Roy Wilkinson, though he claimed he shot him, an insurance agency, a couple of ambulance-chasing lawyers, and thirteen people reporting reckless drivers.

Provenza: And a partridge in a pear tree.

---

Pope: I just told Commander Taylor to arrange a press conference for first thing in the morning; let the world know the Mayhans had nothing to do with this.

Brenda: Uh, if you don't mind, I think Liutenant Flynn should handle this one.

Pope: Yeah, okay.

Brenda: Thanks.

Flynn: Hey, Chief? Thank you.

Taylor: Anthony Lambert, Tim Zwick and Daniel Zcebrowski all insist that on the night of the rape they were at the movies, and on the night of the murder they were driving around Hollywood.

Daniels: And they said Darrin was with them on both occasions.

Brenda: That's funny, Mark Yates told me on the night Michelle died Darrin was with him. I worry when a suspect has extra alibis.

---

Yates: Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. I want an attorney for my son.

Brenda: Your son is eighteen, sir, and legally recognized as an adult. He has been read his rights and waived his right to an attorney.

Yates: I demand an attorney for my son or that I'm allowed back in there before any further questioning!!

Brenda: You may not be aware of this: the constitution gives you the right to an attorney, not to a father.

Fritz: I've got to tell you, Brenda, I am so sick of this double standard.

Brenda: What double standard?

Fritz: You sent me on a needless and very expensive stakeout, you undermined three years of hard work, and if I had done anything remotely similar to that, if I had screwed with your case, my God, you would have changed the locks on the doors. I would have been so far out of line, but here is the difference: I would know it and I would try to correct it somehow.

Brenda: Now wait a minute! Just hold on! I never lied to you. I gave you exactly what you asked for. Exactly! Now, I'm sorry. I should have called you when we took Dean into custody, so I apologize for that.

Fritz: That. That's what you're sorry for?

Brenda: Yes.

Fritz: Really. That's it? Apology not accepted. [turns and walks away]

Brenda: [chases after Fritz until he stops] Now, wait a minute! All I did -- all I did was try to get the justice system to work for my victim! That is all I did!

Fritz: That is bullshit! You didn't do it for the justice system! You didn't do it for the victim! You did it to close your case! That's it! It's obviously the most important thing to you. It's clearly not me, and you know, maybe that's fine, but Brenda for once in your life be honest with yourself!!

Flynn: I can't decide what's more nauseating: her trying to kill her husband or watching her come on to Provenza. Chief, we have guns, we can stop this.

---

Pope: Well, congratulations, lieutenant.

Provenza: [facetiously] Yeah, I know, you're thrilled. I just dropped by to tell you that I am never going to retire. Ever.

Pope: Why?

Provenza: Look. I'm not going to tell you I'm Charlie Hustle. The only thing I chase these days are women who have had a few drinks.

Pope: Okay.

Provenza: But if you want to save a couple of bucks out of our division by trading my experience for a rookie?! I have a civil service job, and the only way that I am going to leave the Los Angeles Police Department is if I get shot, have a heart attack and then you run me over! After which, I will consider a disability position.

Pope: But you really still haven't told me why.

Provenza: When my first wife and I divorced, I agreed to split my pension with her from the day I retire. I'll be damned if she gets a nickel.

Pope: That I understand.

Provenza: Really?

Pope: I made a distressingly similar agreement with my first wife. You do realize that I may eventually be forced to put you in some crappy desk job.

Provenza: Then expect me to die with a stapler in my hand.

Fritz: You want to call off the critical missing?

Pope: This kid, Sergei, has an extensive juvenile record and a history of running away. It appears that his father punished him, not unjustly, and the boy ran off in the middle of the night.

Brenda: If we investigated everything based on appearances we'd have a whole lot less to do.

---

Brenda: Would you preserve the wounds for me, doctor?

Dr. Morales: With a casting or the epidermis itself?

Brenda: Cut out the actual wound, please.

Dr. Morales: Would you like that for here or to go?

---

Brenda: What makes a child go bad, nature or nurture?

Tao: Unfortunately, chief, by the time we get involved it really doesn't matter.

Ricardo Ramos: So, to me it seems like the only way a murder case gets treated as a priority by the L.A.P.D. is if you're rich, white, or related to a cop.

Brenda: Can I read the articles about these murders?

Ricardo: Excuse me?

Brenda: Front-page articles that your paper wrote about these boys?

Ricardo: Well, that's still a work in progress...

Brenda: So, the only way a murder gets treated like a priority at your paper is if it happens to someone rich, or white, or related to a cop.

Ricardo: That's your response?

Brenda: No, it's a question. You can dodge it if you like. You certainly have the right to remain silent.

Brenda: If I hear one more mention of weddings or chapels, I swear I am going to kill someone.

Fritz: They're just excited. That's all.

Brenda: No, no, no. You don't understand my daddy. When he wants something he will not stop until he gets it. Trust me on this.

Fritz: So it runs in the family then.

Brenda: Ha. Ha.

---

Ryan Hughes: Rachel was murdered trying to help someone else?

Pope: Yes, she was. And now, to finish up here, on behalf of the entire LAPD, allow me to say how sorry I am that you lied to us so much and that you knocked your wife around to such an extent that we considered you a suspect in her murder.

Ryan Hughes: That's your apology?

Pope: [nods] Mm-hmm.

Ryan Hughes: You people have no idea what I'm going through, do you. Excuse me. [exits Pope's office]

Brenda: I'd still like to arrest him.

Pope: Odds are, one day you will.

Brenda: Bless me father, for I have sinned.

Fr. Donahue: How long has it been since your last confession?

Brenda: Well, I almost got one last night.

Brenda: This is ridiculous. You all had no right to haul me off of that crime scene like a sack of potatoes!

Flynn: (exasperated) Look, Chief, you get upset with us when we break the rules, you get upset with us when we follow the rules. Now, if you wanna beef us for getting you out of the middle of a bomb scene, be my guest!

---

Brenda: Lieutenant, what just happened?

Tao: The explosives on Mellman were unstable so they had to be BIP'd.

Brenda: Wha...?

Tao: BIP... Blown in place.

Brenda: So where's my victim?

Provenza: My guess is he's probably all over the ceiling.

---

John McFadden: You keep on reducing this to some miniscule high school shooting, but it's SO much more than that! I'm talking about setting the record; killing the most people ever! It's about inspiring others. Columbine was a great idea, they just didn't execute it right. We will. And people will remember us as they line up to die.

Willie Rae: I hope we find a proper place for y'all to get married before we have to get on that ship. Brenda Leigh always lets things slide till the very last minute. I wish she'd take more of an interest in all this.

Fritz: Oh, she's very interested, Willie Rae. For example, look at how hard she's been searching for the right cake.

[camera pans down to eight cake samples]

Clay: If that girl had her way, she'd ask the minister to stop by a crime scene, then serve Ho-Hos out of her purse.

---

Taylor: Two patrol officers from the Hollywood division wrote up a suicide last Sunday. Morales calls back from the morgue, says the guy was murdered.

Brenda: Hollywood Homicide detectives didn't follow up?

Taylor: Did you not hear the words "suicide" and "Sunday"?

---

Dr. Morales: You guys may want to put down your little wedding cake samples before I show you my presentation. Pretty graphic.

Flynn: No, we're fine, doc. In fact, this is a really good test to see which one of these the Chief might choose for her reception.

Provenza: Yeah, if you still like it while you're watching somebody who blew their brains out, this is the cake for your wedding.

---

Fritz: [to Brenda, re: her angry father]In the five seconds I have to prepare you for what you're about to face, my suggestion is: don't argue, don't defend, just say "I'm sorry."

Brenda: Cause of death?

Dr. Morales: Due to circumstances beyond my control, you'll have to tell me.

Terrence: Maybe he choked to death on four triple burgers, extra cheese, six orders of fries and a Diet Coke.

Brenda: This receipt was made on Friday night. Oceanside?

Gabriel: That's just north of San Diego. Looks like he paid with a credit card.

Brenda: Sergeant Gabriel, you thinking what I'm thinking?

Gabriel: "Why the Diet Coke"?

Terrence: We cut back where we can.

Gabriel: Mr. Stroh, I'm just curious. You defended Chris from molesting a 13 year old family member and you got the charges dismissed. And now, it looks like the same guy has murdered someone. How do you feel about that?

Philip Stroh: Well, first of all, doesn't look like Chris murdered this young lady to me. And if you're asking about his previous case, obviously the state couldn't prove its allegations. So if you have a problem with the legal system...

Brenda: No, no, no...I don't think the sergeant was talking about specifics, but about how you as a human being justify defending child molesters.

Stroh: All right. Most criminals, they do their time, and when they get out of prison, they go about their lives anonymously. Sex offenders are registered until the day they die. They're branded, like animals. Now, if the state is going to punish them more harshly than other criminals, then it also assumes a special burden to prove their continuing threat to society. My job: to make sure the state demonstrates that threat. So, Sergeant, if your... charmingly phrased accusation really does have something to do with how defending suspected sex offenders makes me feel, the answer is: It gives purpose to my life.

Fritz: Didn't I tell you, honey? Claire's decided she's a psychic.

Brenda: Oh, really? Oh. I did not know that.

Claire Howard: Actually, it's not a decision, it's a gift. I've had it since I was a child. [to Fritz] Remember that time I saved your life? I warned you not to step out of the treehouse?

Fritz: Yeah, because you pulled the ladder away.

Claire: Look, I don't wanna fight! Anyway, I prefer the word "intuitionist". People hear the word psychic and they think "wack job"!

---

Brenda: Claire may be a bit touched, but she seems perfectly harmless. She might enjoy coming to my work and seeing...

Fritz: What? No! No, no, no, no! I wouldn't let her anywhere near a murder case! Do you remember when the FBI sent 30 agents to drain that lake in Virginia looking for anthrax? That was her!!

Tao: What makes a good marriage? I think patience.

Mrs. Tao: Patience. And separate bathrooms.

Provenza: Up until now, you guys had avoided all the big mistakes people make in a relationship: getting married, buying a house and having kids. I look at this wedding today as a big red flag.

Gabriel: Hi. I just wanted to say that I have really enjoyed working with both of you, truly. And this really couldn't be happening to two nicer people. Congratulations, you guys.

Flynn: Hey, you guys. Enjoy Italy. You've earned it. And make sure you "sleep in" a lot your first week out. Heh heh heh.

Daniels: I don't know much about successful relationships, but you seem to have one. And I'm happy to have been a part of your lives.

Buzz: I just wanted to say that its really nice to have been invited to the reception, and I hope this little tribute is something you will like, and keep and remember.

Sanchez: My wife died six years ago and I've never taken off her ring. Always love each other. Always.

Pope: Well, I'm...happy for you. Both. May each year bring you closer together.

Taylor: So...just say something nice?

Buzz: That's what I did.

Taylor: Okay, let me think...

Ramos: So Chief Johnson, is it true that the young girl was still clutching her doll when you found her?

Brenda: Here's what I can confirm as being in the vicinity of the young girl: blood and brain matter.

Tao: Whether it was the driver or someone else, the kidnapper would have gotten rid of the car pretty quickly.

Brenda: Probably somewhere near the airport. Lt. Provenza! I really need that car, and you seem to be awfully frisky this afternoon.

Provenza: Well, yes I am! And Chief, this is perfect weather to organize a grid search for a town car. And I could really go for a nice long walk around LAX. It'd be good for me!

Pope: Ok, do we have a breathalyzer up here?

---

Provenza: There's over 5 million dollars here, and the kidnappers only want a little over a million! Now if Summers was behind this, don't you think he'd want to take it all?

Tao: Maybe he wanted to leave something behind for his wife.

Brenda: You haven't met her.

Provenza: I remember Raydor back when she was a sergeant; filed a complaint against my old partner, George Andrews, said he was misogynistic. We had to look it up! Got both of us four months of sensitivity training.

Brenda: Well, that was a complete waste of time.

---

FEID Agent: [sees Provenza tear through some red tape around a crime scene] Hey, hey, hey! What are you doing!

Provenza: We're headed to the newsstand to pick up a paper, read about the two FEID guys who got fired because they disregarded orders from the Pope.

FEID Agent: Listen, I'm not going to --

Brenda: Tone. Tone, tone. That's not any way to talk to a lieutenant or a deputy chief for that matter. Sir, if you do anything to interfere with my murder investigation I'll see to it that you spend the next month on unpaid leave. Is that understood?

---

Brenda: I hate to ask ya'll this since I know it's against your nature, but do you think you could distract Eric's parents and his lawyer, sort of irritate them down the hall.

Provenza: [makes grand gesture in front of Lt. Flynn] After you!

Brenda: For heaven's sake, Fritzy, if we all stop lying to each other, how will we ever get to the truth?

Buzz: I applied for this federal grant to upgrade our surveillance system and I think I got it but I need help translating this letter.

Tao: What language is it in?

Buzz: Government.

---

Sanchez: It's gang central LA, chief. There's big overlap out there. There's black, brown, and a little white. There's 3 regular gangs, and one made up of all the gang rejects. It's what we call affirmative action gangsters.

---

Father Jack: God's grand design. That's a little bit over my head. But I don't believe in random.

Brenda: But there was no motive in Reggie's death. And-and where there's no motive, there's no meaning.

Father Jack: You only think there's no meaning 'cause you're looking for it. But meaning isn't something you find, Chief Johnson, it's something you give.

Provenza: What?

Flynn: What? You're eating fruit!

Provenza: I'm trying to cut back on fatty foods. Lauren says my diet makes me feel older.

Flynn: You know what's making you feel older? Your age!

---

Brenda: Excuse me, Chief, uh, am I to understand that you, and uh, Lieutenant Flynn and Lieutenant Provenza handed over all the evidence from the crime scene, including the gun, to a detective Dick Tracy?

Pope: OK, now... this... is... definitely... a major crime.

Brenda: Captain Raydor. I see you made your deadline.

Raydor: Yes, ma'am. Officers Stern and Duran have been completely exonerated.

Brenda: And because the way Force Investigation Division operates, I'll be investigating murders of more good cops just like them.

Rayder: Excuse me?

Brenda: When officers are shot and killed in the line of duty, they're investigated by me. When they shoot back, they're investigated by you. That means that they'll think twice before defending themselves. That hesitation will mean that more good cops will die. I have to ask, have you ever considered what your principles cost?

Raydor: Seventy million dollars. That was the settlement in the Rampart case. One hundred. That's how many convictions were overturned due to renegade police and lack of oversight in one division alone, not to mention the loss of trust the LAPD needs to remain effective.

Brenda: There has to be a better way.

Raydor: Well, until then, you've got me.

Fritz: You know hon, someday when you look back on your life, almost everything you see will be marked off with crime scene tape because you didn't make time for much of anything else.

(Brenda has left the dinner table to answer her phone)

Willie Rae: Your Aunt Brenda is working. And she excused herself from the table.

Charlie: It's okay. I'm used to adults making rules for me they don't live by themselves.

Brenda: I don't want a murder suspect looking at a Crown Vic in the rear view mirror. Buzz, what kind of a car do you drive?

Buzz: A Prius. Why? Oh, no. No, no.

Brenda: We-we'll take such good care of it.

Buzz: It's brand-new and I just washed it.

Brenda: I promise. Such good care. (Buzz reluctantly hands over his keys) Thank you very much.

Buzz: Please, just... don't bring it back with any blood in it or bullet holes.

Chief Pope: (sarcastically) Good luck.

Buzz: Thanks.

Charlie: You know you're in the red zone, right?

Brenda: The red zone is for the police. I am the red zone! Keep your head down and stay in the car!

---

Brenda: I have to check the schedule?

Charlie: He thinks I'm a youth volunteer.

Fritz: And the nurses think you're his sister?

Charlie: They only allow family members in the ICU. Thank God I heard you use his mom's name. Obviously Jake knows I'm not his sister, so I told him I was a youth volunteer. It was easier than explaining that you're my aunt.

Fritz: [laughs] You two are so related.

Brenda: [to a suspect] Now, I want you to look at all the people put to death in Texas since February 2006; 84 in all.

Gabriel: Tommy Lin Hawkins, executed after six months of being on death row. Michael Jack Raleigh, executed one year after his conviction. Tyrone Derek Johnson -- you get the idea?

Brenda: And these are all the people put to death in California during the same time period. [opens an empty folder] Not one. But since you have a lawyer and you won't talk to me, I'm walking out of here right now and turning you over to Texas, and trust me when I tell you that they will kill you dead.

Pope: So what proof do you have that Sergeant Dunn and Detective Moore knew each other?

Brenda: They denied it.

Pope: Okay, let's talk about what I mean by "proof". Because when I use that word, I mean some physical evidence we could all look at, you know, and go "Aah!"

Brenda: [points at door] Read what it says here, Will.

Pope: Hard interview room.

Brenda: What kind of message is that supposed to send to suspects?

Pope: Maybe it's supposed to be intimidating.

Brenda: I decide when to intimidate people around here, not the building.

---

Pope: Well, the media just can't get enough of the new building.

Brenda: I hate it.

Pope: Cops aren't happy unless they're miserable. Look at me. I broke my hand helping my daughter out of a tree in the backyard, now of course I haven't been to the gym for weeks. I feel fat. Do I look fat to you?

Brenda: I have a murder. Do you want an update?!

---

Fritz: And you've been having an affair for how long?

Brenda: Less than a month, but I sort of fell into it because you've been away a lot.

Fritz: So I want to kill you?

Brenda: No, not me. My boyfriend.

Fritz: Why not the both of you?

Brenda: Because we were on the roof together for a while, but you waited until my boyfriend was alone to shoot him.

Fritz: Are you sure my motive's jealousy and not irritation that everything you promised me you would bring to your new office is still boxed up in here?

Brenda: It's not my fault! I park blocks from where I work! And you don't want to kill me, anyway, you want to kill my boyfriend.

Fritz: I certainly do. So if I don't blame you for the affair, I have to blame the guy who seduced you.

Brenda: That's right. But just so you know, I'd never blame the other woman. It would be your fault a hundred percent.

Fritz: Who's the killer here, me or you?

Brenda: You, you, you. Sorry, go ahead.

Fritz: Jealousy can provoke a crime of passion, but it can also arrive in stages, like grief.

Brenda: Shock. Denial. Rage.

Fritz: Followed by gunshots to the head.

---

Tau: The constellation of Sagittarius. In particular, the Milky Way. Hundreds of thousands of stars crammed together at the center of the galaxy, shining brightest in north America during the months of July and August. In fact, during a recent gathering --

Provenza: Thank you, Dr. Sagan! Can you please just scroll through the photos?

Pope: [dressed in a tuxedo] How do I look? Seriously.

Brenda: Fine. Nice. Where are you going, anyway?

Pope: This event slash dinner thing with a bunch of city council members. Blah. You don't know how lucky you are that you don't have to do this stuff. What about Taylor?

Brenda: What about him?

Pope: You know, for Major Crimes. Well, think about it. He's been very supportive.

Brenda: [sarcastically] So send him a basket of muffins!

Brenda: Before you get angry, last night Lieutenants Flynn and Provenza --

Pope: Yep, already angry. What have they done this time?

Brenda: While escorting a fugitive back from Dallas they struck up a date with a couple of stewardesses.

Pope: What is this, the 70s?

---

Brenda: Lieutenant, has it even occurred to you that these women just asked ya'll out because they were using you?

Flynn: That's crazy!

Provenza: I won't even dignify that with a response!

---

Morales: Frankly, I'm not even sure I would call this a murder. Seems to me more like, uh...accidental death in the middle of someone else's hissy fit.

---

Brenda: So the baseball bat didn't kill him?

Morales: No, though it probably really annoyed him as he was dying from a broken neck.

---

Tao: Just to be clear, we're calling this a major crime because...?

Brenda: Look, whenever a member of my division stumbles on a body, it is automatically a major crime.

Chief: Where's the line for you doctor? You start by cutting up people you *think* committed rape, but who's next? Drug dealers? Thieves? People who cross against the light?

Luis: Listen to me. There are two really bad boys out there that I didn't get to. Why don't you give me a year? See what happens. I can make this place safer than you can.

Brenda: Who gave you the right to play God?

Luis: Position was vacant, so I took it.

Brenda: Look, Will, for your own sake, just take a deep breath, okay? I-I know you're feeling some extra pressure because of this whole chief business...

Pope: So now, on top of everything else, you're accusing me of overreacting?! You want to know what I think? I think your own reaction to this case has been slow, unimpressive, and potentially dangerous to the rest of the parole-board members in the state.

Brenda: Okay! That's it! You don't like the way I'm handling this case, that's just fine. You should just take it over yourself.

Pope: You know what? That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

---

(at the conclusion of the case)

Brenda: I hate to say this, Will, but this whole Chief selection process, it has not brought out the best in you. And if this is how you intend to run the Department, I'm not even sure it's a job you should have.

Pope: Well, do you think you could do better?

Brenda: I'd be really disappointed if I couldn't.

---

(Brenda and her team are working at her house when Provenza calls her from the station.)

Brenda: (answers phone): Deputy Chief Johnson.

Provenza: Where are you?

Pope: (to Provenza): Is that Chief Johnson?

Provenza: My proctologist. You need something?

Pope: No. No, I just... You're asking where your proctologist is?

Provenza: Yes. I hate it when he surprises me.

Brenda: Lieutenants Flynn and Provenza, here, now.

Provenza: Chief, now I know you're a little upset, but --

Brenda: There are no buts, lieutenant! I am suspending you both for the next seventy-two hours.

Flynn: On what grounds?

Brenda: On the grounds that you procured outside employment without authorization, used LAPD equipment to conduct a warrantless search, enlisted a civilian in your illicit activities. Need I go on?

Provenza: No, that's a pretty complete list.

Brenda: And since Major Crimes has agreed to leave the pursuit of Mr. Hirschbaum to the FBI, I would be appalled if you, as private citizens, tried to serve him again by tracking a number that might point to his current whereabouts. [hands Provenza a piece of paper with a number on it] Tell Buzz that he and his "catfish" device are suspended as well.

---

Flynn: I say we just cut our losses and get out of here.

Provenza: We can't afford to cut our losses! We are in the middle of a very deep hole, which is now filling with water. We need the money to break even!

---

Provenza: [trying to get Buzz to go along with their illicit actions] And we'll give you a third of our take! Two hundred dollars!

[later]

Provenza: So, even if Buzz's insurance covers part of the repairs, if his deductible is a thousand dollars, we're still three thousand in the hole.

Buzz: What?!

[later: Buzz has just won ten thousand dollars of reward money for finding Hirschbaum]

Provenza: You know what this means!

Buzz: Yeah. I'm rich.

Provenza: No! You're going to split this three ways!

Buzz: Sure! You can each have a third. Two hundred dollars.

Television reporter: [news broadcast] "Daddy Say Yes" has broken into the top ten in downloads following her father's tragic accident. A bit of comfort for the folks gathering here in the Fort Wayne theater community.

Brenda: Ugh. It's only a bit of comfort if you believe Bob Michaels found a fresh pizza on a mountain trail one hour before he was pepper sprayed and shoved off the side of a cliff by the Invisible Man. It's so frustrating that you couldn't find any footprints.

Fritz: Yeah, too many feet on the trail to tell who's who. Obviously somebody neatened up near the edge of the cliff. It's not my fault.

Brenda: Ooh! That song again! It makes me want to jump off a cliff.

Fritz: You've got to admit, it's kind of catchy.

Brenda: So's the flu.

Peter Goldman: Let's just cut to the chase here: what do you want?

Brenda: The same thing you want, Mr. Goldman; to find the people who killed JRock, who from what you just told Captain Raydor, are probably the same crew who killed Terrell Baylor.

Goldman: You don't actually expect me to believe you care about that do you? If you arrest Terrell's killers you'll end up making my case against you!

Brenda: If you know the names of these people you better tell me who they are before they do to you what they did to JRock.

Goldman: Oh, sorry. Your usual scare tactics wouldn't work with me even if I knew those names, which I don't. Now, if you'll pardon me, I'm sure you have other people you want to try intimidating, and I have work to do.

Brenda: Please. Look, wait a minute. If you're determined to leave here without helping me, at least let me offer you some protection.

Goldman: Oh, would that be the same kind of protection you offered Terrell Baylor? Would you also like to offer me a lift home?

Brenda: At least I'll know where to start looking for you when you don't show up for work tomorrow.

Goldman: I'm not afraid.

Brenda: Yes, you are.

---

Sanchez: Chief, Goldman is here, in this print shed, right now. Everything you say and everything that you do will get back to him. You need to follow up without us. When you're not sure you can trust, chief, don't trust anyone.

Brenda: But Julio, these people are my friends.

Sanchez: That's what JRock was thinking when he parked the car.

---

Raydor: Chief --

Brenda: [walking away, so angry she's crying] Don't talk to me right now. I know you refused on the settlement. I know it's not your fault, but I just don't want to talk about it right now.

Raydor: Don't talk, then listen: I know this didn't end the way we wanted, but considering the list of suspects he gave us there is the chance that Peter Goldman will be in danger the moment he leaves this building. So what do you want me to do about that?

Brenda: So, ask Goldman to reveal his leak in Major Crimes nicely, and if he refuses, well, order him protection whether he likes it or not.

Raydor: That is the right and honorable thing to do.

Brenda: It's the Johnson Rule, Captain. [wipes away a tear] Thank you.

Pope: In the interest of maintaining a low profile of this investigation, it would be best that you and Captain Raydor work together and share on this case. In doing this, remember how the words "together" and "share" are traditionally defined.

• Kyra Sedgwick - Deputy Chief Brenda Leigh Johnson
• J.K. Simmons - Assistant Police Chief Will Pope
• Corey Reynolds - Sgt. David Gabriel
• Jon Tenney - FBI Agent Fritz Howard
• Robert Gossett - Commander Russell Taylor, head of the Robbery-Homicide Division
• Anthony John Denison - Detective Lt. Andy Flynn
• G.W. Bailey - Detective Lt. Provenza
• Raymond Cruz - Detective Julio Sanchez
• Michael Paul Chan - Detective Lt. Mike Tao
• Gina Ravera - Detective Irene Daniels
• Mary McDonnell - Captain Sharon Raydor

• The Closer quotes at the Internet Movie Database