Soap (TV series)

Soap (1977–1981) is an American sitcom, airing on ABC, that was a night-time parody of daytime soap operas.

Narrator: [Opening Narration] This is the story of two sisters, Jessica Tate and Mary Campbell. Jessica lives in a neighborhood known as "Rich!" Jessica likes life, and the only thing Jessica would change, if she could, is that she would set it all to music. The Tates have more secrets than they do money. We’re approaching Mary Campbell’s house. Mary, too, likes life. Unfortunately, life doesn’t seem to be too crazy about her. As you can see, the Campbells don’t have nearly as much money as the Tates. They do, however, have as many secrets.

Narrator: [Opening Narration] Remember the Tates? Jessica and her husband Chester? Chester's the guy who fools around with everyone but his wife. And poor Jessica, because Chester's been so busy, has taken up with Peter the tennis pro, who in turn has been busy with Jessica's daughter Corrine. Of course, Jessica doesn't know Peter's been busy with Corrine and Chester's been busy with everyone. Jessica just wishes she had gone shopping instead. Remember the Campbells? Jessica's sister Mary and her second husband Burt? The Campbells have problems. Mary has two problems, her son Danny is in the Mob. Her son Jodie is gay. Danny and Burt have a problem. They don't get along. Jodie and Burt have a problem, they don't get along either. Mary and Burt have a problem, Burt can't make love to Mary and she doesn't know why. Burt has the biggest problem of all, he knows why. He murdered her first husband. We begin this week's episode of Soap shortly after Jessica's tennis lesson.

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[Mary walks in to find her son, Jodie, wearing women's clothing]

Mary: Jodie?! What in the world are you doing?

Jodie: Ma...

Mary: Look at you! My wig, my necklace, my best dress-- Oh! You wear that belted!

Jodie: Yes.

Mary: I never thought of wearing it belted. It looks much better that way.

Jodie: Sure. It breaks up the straight line here, and then it just blouses slightly at the waist.

Mary: Well, that's much more slimming.

Jodie: Definitely.

Mary: Jodie, get out of my clothes.

Jodie: Mother! Sit down.

Mary: Jodie! Come on!

Jodie: Mother, how would you like a daughter?

Mary: What are you talking about?

Jodie: Sit down, Mom.

Mary: Jodie, just tell me.

Jodie: I'm thinking of having a sex-change operation.

Mary: [laughs] A sex-change operation. A sex-change operation.

Jodie: Right.

Mary: I better sit down.

Narrator: [Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, we discovered not only Jessica and her daughter are having an affair with Peter the tennis pro, but that Peter is Burt Campbell's long lost son. As for Burt Campbell, Mary's second husband, he can no longer make love to her. But this is nothing because Burt doesn't know that Mary's son Danny, in order to leave the Mob, has to kill the man who killed his father. Danny doesn't know that that man's Burt yet. Mary's other son Jodie is contemplating becoming her daughter. Life is also not exactly a bed of roses for Jessica's husband Chester, his affair with his secretary Claire has become complicated by the fact that she is now blackmailing him. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap. We begin this week's episode of Soap shortly after Peter's arrival at the Tate home.

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Burt: I just can't believe it. I cannot believe it! I mean, it's just a small, small world. I can't get over it! I mean, my long, lost son from Hawaii comes to Connecticut and winds up teaching my sister-in-law and her daughter tennis.

Benson: Bet that ain't all he teaches!

Burt: And then, and this is really incredible, my sister-in-law and her daughter don't know they have the same tennis teacher. Plus which, he doesn't know they are mother and daughter. And then... and then to top it all off, no one, but no one knows he's my son!

Chester: So what, Burt?

Burt: So, it's a small, small world. And, I can't get over it. Can you?

Chester: Yes.

Narrator: [Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, Mary realizes that Jessica and Corrine are playing something other than tennis with Peter the tennis pro. Neither Jessica nor Corrine realize that they are both engaged in a game of mixed doubles. Jessica is so overwhelmed with guilt, she attempts to confess her affair to Chester, but Chester isn't listening because he is so overwhelmed by his secretary Claire's blackmail attempts. Meanwhile, at the Campbell's, Mary has threatened to move out unless Burt and Danny try to get along. Getting along with his stepfather Burt becomes even more difficult for Danny once the Godfather tells him Burt was the man who killed his father. Since the Mob will kill Danny if he doesn't kill Burt, Danny realizes trying to please his mother will be a problem. But Mary's problems don't end there, since her other son Jodie is about to become her daughter. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.

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Billy: Sex. We also learned it in school. Of course in school they teach us about chickens and fruit flies mating. You know?

Jessica: Chester, what would a chicken see in a fruit fly?

Narrator: [Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, Chester's secretary Claire had arranged for Chester's mistress Pigeon to find them together at lunch, thus ending Chester's relationship with Pigeon. But that's not all, Claire has threatened to report Chester's illegal business activities, if Chester doesn't divorce Jessica. Jessica has tried to end it with Peter but couldn't, but tells Mary she'll see him again to see if she can. Jodie has found that his quarterback boyfriend, in order to protect his image, has a girlfriend. Jodie tells him since he's planning a sex change operation for that very same reason, his boyfriend can get rid of his girlfriend. Danny has tried to follow the Godfather's order's to kill Burt but couldn't. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.

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Eunice: It's incredible we have something in common.

Jodie: Yeah, we both date guys.

Narrator: [Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, Danny once again tried to kill Burt, but couldn't. Corrine tried to talk Father Timothy Flotsky into leaving the church and going with her but couldn't. Unable to have the only man she wanted, Corrine decided to move in with Peter. Meanwhile, Jessica was telling Peter she could never see him again. Corrine walked in and found her mother kissing Peter, little did she know her mother was kissing him off. Corrine, unable to have Father Tim, the man she wants, can't live with him and finding the man she has with her mother, cant live at home and since she has to live somewhere, she decides to move in with Peter anyway. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.

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Corinne: I'm moving in with Peter Campbell... who's also having an affair with mother.

Eunice: Mother? Our mother? The mother downstairs? Jessica? The redhead?

Corinne: That's the one.

Eunice: I can't believe it. I mean, it took me twenty years to believe she did it with Daddy.

Narrator: [Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, Jessica apologized to Corrine for having an affair with Peter, but Corrine refused to forgive her mother and moved out of the house and in with Peter, leaving Jessica sad and Chester mad. Burt received a telegram announcing the arrival of his other son Chuck and Chuck's little wooden doll, Bob, who Chuck thinks is real. The Godfather gave Danny a key to a cabin in the woods, where a gun is hidden in the fire place and told him he must take Burt there within two days and kill him or the Mob will kill Danny. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.

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Bob: [to Chuck] I love your family. This is great. Your father just laughs and stutters. The dame just sits. One guy's a fruit and the other guy's got an IQ slightly higher than kelp.

Narrator: [Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, another of Burt's sons, Chuck, and Bob, his wooden doll, arrived from Hawaii. Much to their horror, the Campbells discovered that Chuck believes that Bob is really real. Although he really isn't real, he is really obnoxious. Claire told Chester she was going to tell Jessica everything, but Chester didn't believe her. Much to Chester's surprise, Claire did tell Jessica everything, only Jessica didn't believe her. Or did she? Following the Godfather's orders, Danny invited Burt to a cabin in the woods in order to kill him. Burt thought he was going in order to fish. Imagine his surprise when he found a pistol pointed at his head. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap. We begin this week's episode where we left off, with Danny about to kill Burt.

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Danny: It's a business trip.

Jodie: Hey come on, Danny. I know what business you're in. We'll get a lawyer. We'll go to the police.

Danny: If we go to the police, I'll be in jail when they kill me. If we get a lawyer, I'll be broke when they kill me.

Narrator: [Opening Narration] In Last week's episode of Soap, Danny, unable to kill Burt, now has to run for his life so the Mob won't kill him. Since this news would kill his mother, Danny told her that he was going off to be a spy. So far he has been able to fool Mary, but not the Mob, because when Danny appeared in disguise at the Tate dinner party, the Mob tried to kill him. Fortunately, Danny got away. Unfortunately, Bob the dummy got hit. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.

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Mary: I have one son who's about to become my daughter, another son whom people are trying to kill, I have a lunatic stepson and a dummy living in my home and a husband who won't make love to me. That's not life, that's something by Tennessee Williams!

Narrator: [Opening Narration] In Last week's episode of Soap, Jodie checked into the hospital to become a girl, and wound up meeting a girl who would like him to stay a guy. Danny has been running around in disguises, running from the Mob. So far Danny has not been caught, but Chester has been. Jessica met Mary for lunch and saw him kissing Claire. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap. We begin this weeks episode of Soap shortly after Jessica and Mary saw Chester and Claire.

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Jessica: I think that there is a curse on this family.

Benson: Well, if there isn't, there should be.

Narrator: [Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, Jessica convinced herself that Chester's infidelity and all the bad things that had befallen the Tates and the Campbells are the result of a curse. But even though they're cursed, she's still not too thrilled with Chester. The Godfather came looking for Danny, but Danny was dressed up as a Rabbi, and instead of getting killed, Danny got a contribution. Burt, who came away from Doctor Medlow thinking he could, couldn't, because Mary, upset over the day's events, wouldn't. Dennis told Jodie there was no need for a sex change operation, because he's decided to marry a girl. On hearing the news, Jodie swallowed the contents of the pill cart for the entire west wing of University Hospital. Confused? you won't be after this week's episode of Soap.

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Barney: I don't know. I don't know what the world is coming to anymore. When a gay man who was thinking of becoming a woman then decides on suicide turns out to be the most normal member of the family.

Narrator: [Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, Jessica admitted her affair to Chester but Chester wouldn't admit his affairs to Jessica, so Jessica walked out on him. Corrine caught Peter nibbling another woman's ear and told him if she ever caught him fooling around she would kill him. Jodie, who tried to kill himself because Dennis left him, woke up alive. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap. We begin this week's episode of Soap the morning after Jessica walked out on Chester.

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Eunice: Tell mother I won't be home this evening. I'm flying to Washington to cover Congressman McCallum's press conference.

Benson: And then she's gonna cover McCallum.

Narrator: [Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, Jessica came back after walking out on Chester, and told him if he was ever unfaithful again she'll leave him for good. Jessica then went to visit Corrine, only Corrine wasn't there, but Peter was and with another woman. Jessica was so angry that Peter was cheating on her daughter, she threatened to kill him. Corrine came home later and also found Peter with another woman, upset she checked into a motel, called Father Tim and said she was going to kill herself. Father Tim rushed over and found Corrine wasn't going to kill herself, she only felt like killing herself. Actually, Peter was the one she really wanted to kill. And Peter, who was taking a shower after his busy day, much to his surprise, was in fact killed. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap. We begin this week's episode the morning after Burt was able and Mary was willing.

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Chief Tinkler: What can assume from the fact that he was stabbed, strangled, shot, suffocated, and bludgeoned?

Jodie: That he didn't commit suicide.

Chief Tinkler: We can assume that Peter Campbell either had many killers or he had one killer who really hated his guts.

Narrator: [Opening Narration] In the last episode of Soap, Chief Tinkler informed the Tates and the Campbells that they are all suspects in the murder of Peter Campbell, the tennis pro, because all of them had a motive and most of them don't have and alibi. Chester, who knew Jessica had had an affair but didn't know who she had an affair with, found out her affair had been with Peter. Of course, before his death. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap. We begin this week's episode of Soap shortly after Chief Tinkler has left the stunned families.

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Jessica: I don't see what the big deal is. I mean, I told you I had had an affair. I mean you did know about it.

Chester: But I didn't know who, Jessica. I didn't know who you were having your affair with.

Jessica: Well I should think it would come as a relief.

Chester: A relief?

Jessica: Yes. Doesn't it make you feel better to know I had an affair with someone who's dead? I mean someone who's dead now.

Police Chief Tinkler: [while questioning Corrine] A lot of people knew you two weren't getting along.

Jessica: Well of course, they weren't getting along, they were living together. I mean who ever heard of people living together and getting along. It's people who don't live together who get along. That's why one hears about so few divorces among them.

Heinrich: You could have killed Peter because you were jealous. He was white. You are black. He had women, youth, freedom. You? You've got an apron, maybe a decent time-step.

Benson: Let me tell you something you little Nazi shrimp. Now you can talk to them any way you want to. But now you talkin' to me, Benson and I personally have had it with your shouting, and your bullying, and your spitting. Nobody here killed anyone... not yet.

---

Heinrich: We have precedence for this kind of homosexual behavior. Not in Germany of course. We have no homosexuals in Germany. They are in Austria. Or Switzerland.

Jodie: Where in Switzerland?

---

Heinrich: Impotence? How classically American! A problem we do not have in Germany! No impotence, no smog...

Bob: No Jews...

Benson: [visiting Jessica in jail] I'm with the firm of Honeycutt, Pringle, Kaplan, and Black. I'm Black.

---

Chester: Why are you posing as a lawyer?

Benson: [while visiting Jessica] Cause I couldn't get in to see her as a butler.

Mary: Why in the world are you doing this?

Jessica: Oh Mary, let's face it; being a suspected murderess I am nothing but a burden to Chester and an embarrassment to the entire family. Now if I were needed there, that would be one thing. I mean I would still be a burden and a stigma but I would be a needed one.

---

Jodie: The door was locked, Burt.

Burt: Of course it was locked. I'm takin' a bath.

Danny: Burt, you've been in here a day and a half now.

Burt: So what are we doing now, timing people in the bathroom?

Jessica: Chester, all my life people have always believed me. See I have that kind of face. My mother once said to me "Jessica, with a face like that you could get away with murder."

---

Mr. Mallu: [referring to Danny, Jodie, Chuck and Bob, and Burt] I have for character witnesses Al Capone, Tinkerbell, Punch and Judy, and the Invisible Man.

Narrator: [Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, Burt, who thinks he's invisible, went to see Dr. Medlow. Since he isn't really invisible, Dr. Medlow saw Burt, and from what he saw, he suggested to Mary that she see about having him committed. While Eunice hid on a ledge to avoid being caught by congressman McCallum's wife, a nervous McCallum mistakenly gave the blackmailer's photographs to the New York News. In these photos, he and Eunice are definitely overexposed. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.

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Burt: I love bagels. Even though they are one of mankind's most dangerous foods which is something most people don't know. For instance, there's actually no safe way to slice a bagel. Except maybe you get someone to go it for you. You have no idea how many people have sliced an index finger in half along with a bagel.

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Walter: You sure took your time getting here.

Eunice: Took my time? I'm standing on a ledge in a rainstorm and I took my time. What was I supposed to do? Jump down 38 floors on a messenger to stop him?

Walter: No, my luck you'd miss.

Narrator: [Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, Elaine told Danny that if he tried to put an end to their relationship, she would have her father put an end to Danny. Burt ended up agreeing to go to an institution where he could hopefully put an end to his invisibility. Meanwhile, Jessica might end up behind bars since the judge she's ended up with once invested and lost $40,000 with Chester. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.

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Jessica: [arriving late in court] We simply could not find a parking spot outside. I thought surely there would be one reserved for the defendant, but there wasn't. Everything was marked "Official Parking Only." And Chester said, "This is just another example of the idiotic inefficiency of the judicial system."

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Carol: And you're Jodie?

Jodie: You sound surprised.

Carol: You're the suicidal homosexual?

Jodie: Do we have mutual friends?

Carol: Well no, no it just says uh-

Jodie: What did you expect? That I'd be in a dress with a noose around my neck?

Carol: I guess what threw me is that you're so adorable.

Jodie: Most suicidal homosexuals are.

Narrator: [Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, Danny brought Elaine home to meet the family. Despite Burt's invisibility, Mary's hostility, Jodie's homosexuality, and Chuck and Bob's insanity, Elaine wants to marry him anyway. Perhaps she doesn't plan on having children. Meanwhile at Jessica's trial, Mallu's assistant Carol has asked Jodie out even though he's gay. Jodie has accepted even though she's a girl. Jessica turned her trial into a tea party, and then tried to leave when the prosecutor said nasty things about her and spoiled the fun. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.

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[Benson is on the stand]

Mr. Franklin: Amazing recall, Mr. Benson. Absolutely amazing retention of detail.

Benson: Thank you.

Mr. Franklin: Tell me. Is this some sort of voodoo way of knowing that you people have or what?

Mr. Mallu: I object.

Benson: I do too.

---

Mary: [about Elaine] Danny, she's awful. She's selfish and sarcastic, pushy, tactless, cruel, and obnoxious.

Danny: And her father will kill me if I don't marry her.

Mary: People can change.

Narrator: [Opening Narration] In last week's episode of Soap, Burt checked into the mental institution to try and cure his invisibility, while Carol has lured Jodie away for the weekend to try to put an end to his homosexuality. Meanwhile prosecutor Franklin has promised Judge Petrillo a surprise witness who will put an end to Jessica. Confused? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.

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Mary: Burt's missing. They checked all the rooms at bedtime, and he wasn't there.

Bob: He never was, if you know what I mean.

Mary: What if he never comes home?

Bob: Drinks are on me.

---

Jessica: [to Mr. Mallu] I'm afraid you'll have to cancel court this morning. I have to take Billy to the pediatrician.

Narrator: [Opening Narration] In last week's episode, Jodie surprised Carol by agreeing to spend the weekend with her. Corinne surprised Ingrid by walking out on her. Burt really surprised Mary by telling her he killed her first husband And speaking of surprises, Mrs. Fine, the surprise witness, surprised everyone by testifying that she heard Jessica threaten to kill Peter Campbell. Surprised? You won't be after this week's episode of Soap.

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Jodie: I don't know what's with you, Carol. I mean we agree we're coming up here as friends. Then you tell me you've rented a two bedroom cottage. We get here and one room, one bed and knowing I'm gay you're absolutely amazed when I don't turn out to be Burt Reynolds.

Carol: I thought you'd be different here. Away from everything, in the country, all this clean air.

Jodie: Clean air? Carol, I'm a homosexual not an asthmatic.

---

Chester: Oh Benson, I need strong coffee. I was so worried about the trial I didn't sleep a wink last night.

Benson: Me neither.

Chester: You were up worrying too?

Benson: Yup.

Chester: Oh I wish I'd known.

Benson: Yeah.

Chester: Sure. I would've had someone to talk to.

Benson: I wish I'd have known too. Cause that would've put me to sleep.

Carol: Jodie, why can't we live together?

Jodie: Carol, I'm gay. Listen the other night was nice. It really was and I've told you that but I'm still gay. Hey listen occasionally I'll have a burrito, I'm not Mexican.

---

Corinne: You're asking me to marry you?

Father Tim: No, I've gone to my superiors and asked to be released from my vows because I want to go steady.

Chester: [Alone in the kitchen, talking to himself] Well, that's it. I can't go on. My life is over. My wife is in jail, the only woman I ever really loved. My career is over. I'll be in jail for embezzlement. I can't go on. Might as well... end it all. I'll leave a note. Paper, I need paper. The important thing is how to do it. I want it quick, quiet, and with no pain. I want it... pleasant. Oh, that's wonderful, Tate - you want a pleasant suicide. Why not have it catered?

---

Jessica: I'm scared, Benson. I mean, every once in a while it just kinda hits me - I'm on my way to the big home for a mur...

Benson: House, house - big house.

Jessica: Yeah, right, for a murder I did not commit. I mean, me, Benson. This is not Barbara Feldon in that movie of the week.

Benson: Eden, Barbara Eden.

Jessica: Right. And here I am and it isn't a movie and it isn't Barbara Eden in the slam, but me.

Benson: Slammer.

Elaine Lefkowitz-Dallas: You - you better move it. The rabbi said he's gotta leave in ten minutes. He's got a bar mitzvah, two funerals, a bris, and tickets to Pippin.

---

Charles Lefkowitz: Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to make a toast. This is an occasion I've looked forward to for a very long time - the marriage of my daughter. When my wife died, I promised her on her deathbed I would take care of Elaine until the day she married, that she would never want for anything. I've kept that promise! And so I hand my daughter over to a fine young man who from now on will take care of her... because I'm completely cutting her off! She'll never get another penny or hear another word from me for as long as I live, because she is a disgusting person, and nothing thrills me more than to be rid of her forever. L'Chaim!

Dutch Leitner: Remember, one word, one word from anybody [points a gun at Chester] ...and he dies.

Benson: Anything in particular we'd have to say?

---

Jodie: [about Mary] I don't know what to do about it.

Burt: Just do it a few more times you'll be hooked - it's like pretzels!

Burt: Seven of my men are gonna be off today because it's a Jewish holiday and I'm gonna have to do all their jobs. You know, what kills me is I don't think they're all Jewish - two of 'em are black and one's an Indian.

---

Burt: We're going to kill Elaine with kindness.

Mary: Kill her with kindness?

Burt: Right. See Danny's not going to let her dress, eat, or sleep, because nothing's ever good enough for her, and since it;s out of love, she can't get mad at him.

Mary: If it doesn't work, can I just kill her?

Burt: Sure.

Sally: If Al Pacino ever saw you, he'd probably never leave his house again. I mean, why bother?

Danny: Well, I don't know about that.

Sally: Believe me.

Danny: [smirks] He is a little short, I hear.

---

Burt: A break is fine, but I don't think it's a good idea for guys on girders forty stories up to be horsing around with a Frisbee.

[Danny and Elaine have been fighting since their marriage]

Elaine: I don't hate you, Danny.

Danny: Well, you give the best damn impression of it I've ever seen.

Elaine: I know.

Danny: Why do you do that, Elaine? Why do you treat people that way?

Elaine: It's a long story.

Danny: I got time.

Elaine: I had a sister, once. She was a couple of years older than me. Her name was Diana. She was bright and beautiful and good and kind. She was one of these people that made everyone around her feel good. When she was sixteen, she was killed in a car accident. The night she died, my father, in his grief said to me: "Why wasn't it you?" So, may mother was dead and my sister was dead and my father, who I loved more than anyone else in the world, wished I was dead... and I got angry. I got angry and cold and mean. And I decided then never to love anyone again.

Danny: Oh, Elaine... I didn't know.

Elaine: I love you, Danny. And maybe someday, if it's not already too late, you'll love me.

---

Mary: What's been going on with you three?

Jessica: Well, Eunice is depressed and Corinne is depressed and I was just debating whether or not to join them.

Mary: Sounds like fun.

Jessica: Actually, I think I've been depressed quite a lot lately. I mean, I eat a lot and I just simply cannot sit still.

Corinne: I don't think you're depressed, ma. I think you're horny.

Jessica: Dutch, tell me: did you really kill a man?

Dutch: Yeah.

Jessica: Dead? You shot him dead?

Dutch: That's usually what happens in a successful killing.

Jessica: Of course.

Dutch: You see, what happened is that when I got out of the Navy, I borrowed some money to go into business. The banks all turned me down for a loan, so I went to a local loan company. They gave me $5000 at a very high rate of interest. In the first week, when I couldn't come up with the dough, they broke my fingers. The second week, they broke my nose, two ribs and my knee. Plus the guy who was beating me up had a very bad cold, so I ended up with a terrible cough. The next week, they was gonna break my head, but I convinced them not to.

Jessica: How?

Dutch: Well, I talked to them for a while and then I shot 'em.

Jessica: I think that should be considered self-defense.

Dutch: It was, but the guy who owned the loan company turned out to be the Chief of Police.

---

[Following his brain surgery, Chester is having severe memory problems]

Chester: It's all lost to me. My past, my future... it's all gone! I try. I try so hard to remember. I can't. I'm so afraid if I don't remember soon, you'll have me put away. You've all been so good to me. I must have been some guy to have such a beautiful bunch of people love me the way you do.

Jessica: Chester.

Chester: It's agony. To know I have a wonderful son and daughters and a wife and not know who they are. Sometimes, I swear... it's almost too much to bear.

Jessica: Oh, Chester. I just know that someday you'll remember.

Chester: Remember what?

Mary: It's pornography.

Jessica: Not only that, Mary, but nobody has any clothes on!

[Burt, Danny, Jodie, Chuck and Bob are all drunk in a bar]

Burt: Life plays funny tricks.

Bob: [to Chuck] Oh, god, he's gonna make a speech. Spare me, please.

Danny: Don't mind him, Burt, he's drunk.

Burt: You see, what happens in life is this: Something bad happens to you and you say, "Oh, god! Look at this bad thing that just happened to me." Then you figure it's over and it will all get good again, but then what happens is another bad thing happens and then you say, "Pfft! That was a surprise. I mean, two bad thing in a row, but I guess that's it for a while, 'cause I just had my quota of bad." And then what happens is that some awful thing happens to you, like everything gets taken away from you, and you say, "Pfft! Well, that's it. I mean there's nothing else that can happen now. I lost everything!" And then, life plays its "funny trick"... you die.

Danny: Life is unfair to do that!

---

Jodie: I'm not gonna throw up. I never throw up.

[Burt and Danny laugh]

Burt: What do you mean "I never throw up"?

Jodie: I never throw up!

Burt: [laughs] Throwing up is not a choice. You don't say "I'm sorry, I don't play tennis and I don't throw up."

Danny: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I bet I can make him throw up.

Jodie: Oh, yeah?

Danny: Yeah!

Jodie: Okay. Take your best shot.

Danny: Okay... picture this: a sack full of worms falls in your mouth...

Bob: [revolted] Stop! Stop!

Danny: I know I could make you throw up. All right, imagine this: a ton of raw liver...

Jodie: Get me a spoon.

Danny: And it's out in the hot sun...

Jodie: Oh, I love it.

Danny: And there's maggots in it and you've gotta eat it.

Bob: [gagging] Oh, god! Stop!

Jodie: See that? I told you, I never throw up. I don't even gag.

Danny: I'll stick my fingers down your throat.

[Tim has asked for volunteers to help him perform an exorcism]

Benson: I'll go. My mother always said to me, she said: "Son, look the devil in the eye and meet him straight on. You can't wrestle him to the ground unless you've got ahold of him first!"

[the house shakes with evil power]

Benson: My mother was a babbling fool is what she was! Major crackpot, everyone knew it! She was nuts!

[Corinne is worried about her possessed baby]

Corinne: He's here because of me.

Jessica: Don't be silly, Corinne, the devil doesn't even know you.

Corinne: It's all my fault. He's here because of me, because I slept with everyone in town.

Mary: Oh Corinne, please. First of all, you did not sleep with everyone in town.

Corinne: Yes, I did.

Jessica: Oh, please. Did you sleep with the mayor?

Corinne: Yeah.

Jessica, Mary: You slept with the mayor?

Jessica: [disgusted] Oh my goodness, the mayor. I voted for him.

Mary: I told you not to vote for him. I told you to vote for Swanson.

Corinne: I slept with him, too.

Mary: You did?

Corinne: Believe me, the best man won.

---

The Devil: Accept me now! Do not resist any longer because you cannot succeed. Your soul is mine for eternity. I have won! Give up and come to me.

Jessica: We will never give up. Never! There is not a man or spirit in this world or any other that will break my family. We've lived through too much in our lives already to give it up to you! We've lived through sorrow and separation and death and destruction and we're still together because we love each other and love is what holds us together. So, if you intend to stay, we will fight you to the end and let me tell you, we will fight! And with God's help, you will never have us and you will never have this baby! Never! You have come to the wrong house!

[the devil is driven out, leaving behind a perfectly normal baby]

• Katherine Helmond - Jessica Tate
• Robert Mandan - Chester Tate
• Jimmy Baio - Billy Tate
• Diana Canova - Corinne Tate Flotsky
• Sal Viscuso - Father Timothy Flotsky
• Jennifer Salt - Eunice Tate-Leitner
• Donnelly Rhodes - Dutch Leitner
• Arthur Peterson - The Major
• Cathryn Damon - Mary Campbell
• Richard Mulligan - Burt Campbell
• Jay Johnson - Chuck and Bob Campbell
• Ted Wass - Danny Dallas
• Billy Crystal - Jodie Dallas
• Robert Urich - Peter Campbell
• Robert Guillaume - Benson DuBois
• Roscoe Lee Browne - Saunders
• Rod Roddy - Narrator

• Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman

• Soap quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Soap at TV.com