F Is for Family

F Is for Family is an American adult animated sitcom created by Bill Burr and Michael Price and produced by Gaumont International Television and Vince Vaughn's Wild West Television. The show premiered on December 18, 2015, to generally favorable reviews. Season 2 premiered May 30, 2017. On November 30, 2018, the third season was released.

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Frank Murphy: I don't need a 25-dollar Bible to teach me about God! I almost bled out in Korea, all right?! I HAVE MET GOD!

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Frank Murphy: That's my guy! That's my guy, Irish Mickey! You know, he would've beat Shavers the last time, but he lost on a technicality 'cause the ref thought he was bleeding too much, which he wasn't. He lost because he was drunk.

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Frank: Hey, you stay away from that loose girl down on River Street. I don't want any half-slut grandkids.

Kevin Murphy: We're not doing anything!

Frank: Neither was I. That's how you got here.

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Vic: Kitty Kat, make me some mac and cheese. Not the spiral kind, that makes me dizzy.

Frank: Jesus Christ, Kevin, you're not going to Vietnam.

Kevin: What? I'm not?

Frank: You really think they'd take a 14 year-old flunky? They only take 18 year-old flunkies.

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Bob "Pogo" Pogrohovich: They should make a chicken just of skin. I'd buy that. Everybody'd buy that.

Maureen Murphy: Cocksucker!

Frank Murphy: What?! Where did you hear that?! ... Oh, right. When your mother comes home, don't tell her I used that word.

Kevin Murphy: What if she never comes home?

Frank: DAH, YOU LITTLE COCKSUCKER! ... Your brother made me say that!

Bill Murphy: Now I gotta tell Dad I'm suspended and get him to sign this. He's gonna kill me.

Kevin Murphy: Wait, you're gonna narc on yourself? Have I taught you nothing?! They never check those things! Just forge Dad's name and take the day off.

Bill: Easy for you to say. You've never been suspended.

Kevin: I've been suspended 37 times. The system is a joke. They suspend me cause I'm a piece of shit. They give me a paper saying I'm said 'piece of shit', and I'm supposed to get my parents to sign it? Why the fuck would I do that? I'm a piece of shit! For the life of me, I don't know why they don't just call the house.

Frank Murphy: Oh, so help me God, if I started building walls today, and didn't stop for the next ten years, there still wouldn't be enough of them to FUCKING PUT YOU THROUGH!

Frank Murphy: You know how many times the cops have been called because somebody heard the shit that comes outta my mouth? Christ, the state would have taken the kids away years ago.

Kevin Murphy: We're not that lucky.

Frank Murphy: You're lucky I don't put your head through that fucking wall! AND GET A HAIRCUT, YOU LOOK LIKE A LESBIAN!

Frank Murphy: Get over it! We're Murphys. What do we do?

Bill Murphy: We shove it down…

Frank Murphy: That's right. And later in life, we take it out on someone else.

Bridget Fitzsimmons: You fucking redheaded piece of shit! Nobody breaks up with me! I break up with you!

Bill Murphy: You did break up with me!

Bridget Fitzsimmons: THE FUCK I DID! I'm gonna get you for this! No more Mr. Nice Bridget.

Bill Murphy: You were being nice?!

Frank Murphy: I'd put him through a wall, but I don't have a permit!

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Frank Murphy: So, now you got a record, you made your mother cry, and you're gonna miss another day of summer school. At this rate, the baby's gonna graduate before you do. What do you have to say for yourself?

Kevin Murphy: ... Door was supposed to swing out...

Frank Murphy: Yeah, well, I should have pulled out! Fucking jailbird!

International Touch: [approaching Kevin] Aww, your pimp is so mean. You sweet piece of white toffee. Come with International Touch - you will be my queen!

Frank Murphy: He's not a girl, he's my son, and he's wearing his mother's blouse!

International Touch: Damn! You, sir, have failed as a father.

Amy Jenkins: You almost tripped me! Say you're sorry.

Bridget Fitzsimmons: Go suck your mother's dick!

Amy Jenkins: At least I have a mother. Your mom died 'cause she didn't want to see your ugly face anymore.

Bridget Fitzsimmons: [yelling after her] Hey, Amy! I hope Bigfoot breaks into your house, kills your dad, comes to the funeral and shits in the hole, and then fucks your mom in the grave, and your mom says "Oooh, that’s the best grave shit fucking I’ve ever had, Bigfoot! What are you doing Thursday?!" [pants and starts tearing up, taking out a locket with a picture of her mother holding her as a baby] I won't let her say that about you.

Bill Murphy: That night last year, when I puked all over the table - I puked because I was hiding under the bed when you and Mom were...

[Cut to far away; some birds are disturbed as Frank screams]

Frank Murphy: NO!!!!! OH... JESUS CHRIST!!!!! NO!!!!!

[Cut to Frank driving Bill home in uncomfortable silence]

Frank Murphy: I don't care... what you do... for the rest of your life... as long... as you never speak a word of this to your mother, okay? That woman's already half dead from you kids, and th-this would put her in the ground. You hear me?

Bill Murphy: Okay. Can I still be your cop?

Frank Murphy: Only if you promise to arrest me and put me on death row.

Susan Murphy: That's enough of your "poor me" bullshit!

Frank Murphy: What did I do?!

Susan Murphy: Frank Murphy. This family supported you these past few weeks when all you could do was talk about Buster Thunder! So it didn't work out! And now you blame him for your shitty mood. There's always somebody to blame. Bob Pogo, or Roger Dunbarton...

Maureen Murphy: Grandma Nora.

Kevin Murphy: The Beatles.

Bill Murphy: Johnny Unitas that one time.

Frank Murphy: Now Bill, I've told you a thousand times, that was Earl Morrall's fault! [getting angrier and louder] Christ's sake, they put Unitas in at the end of the game, he almost pulled it out! Shit, if they put him in earlier, like they should have, they would've won instead of losing to Joe Willie Namath, THAT PANTYHOSE-WEARING FUCKING JACKASS!

[Brief silence; the rest of the family stare back at Frank in disapproval]

Frank Murphy: What?! It's true!

Susan Murphy: But your favorite person to blame is your father. Well, he's not here - but we are. All we want is to have a nice Christmas as a family, but you chose to mope around all day.

Frank Murphy: IT'S NOT MY CHOICE, SUSAN! LIFE DECIDES!

[Megan starts crying]

Susan Murphy: Nice going, Frank. Hell of a first Christmas for your daughter.

Frank Murphy: [quietly, ashamed] Maybe I should take a drive or something... clear my head.

Susan Murphy: Nobody here is stopping you.

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Frank Murphy: Perfect. Perfect. Of all the things he could've said to me when he was dying, he puts in a song request. That selfish son of a bitch.

Dick Sawitzki: He wasn't all bad. He just didn't know how to be a dad.

Frank Murphy: How fսcking hard is it to not be an asshоlе to your own kid?

Dick Sawitzki: Well, you're here drinking on Christmas, so you tell me.