Dirty Grandpa

Dirty Grandpa is a 2016 film about an uptight guy who, right before his wedding, is tricked into driving his grandfather, a lecherous former Army Lieutenant Colonel, to Florida for Spring Break.

Directed by Dan Mazer. Written by John Phillips.

• Jason, I want to fuck. For the first time in 40 years, I'm single, and I want to fuck. I want to fuck until my dick falls off. I want to fuck a horse, and I want to drink its blood. I was faithful to your grandmother every day for 40 years, even through the menopause, even through the cancer. She was the love of my life, I'll miss her every goddamn day, but she told me on her death bed, you get back out there again. I haven't had sex in 15 years Jason, and I want to fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
• Party till you're pregnant!
• The greatest gift a grandson can give his grandfather is a hot college girl who wants to have unprotected sex with him before he dies.

• He looks like Abercrombie fucked Fitch.
• You're just a dirty, dirty grandpa, and I'm just a girl from Long Island City who likes to fuck old people.

Cousin Nick: Fuckin' sucks dick about grandma, huh? Old woman fuckin' murdered like that.

Jason Kelly: I think she had cancer.

Cousin Nick: We'll never know the truth.

Jason Kelly: We absolutely know the truth. Grandma had cancer for ten years.

Cousin Nick: You don't just die from cancer, Jason.

Jason Kelly: Being a corporate lawyer, it's got its upsides.

Dick Kelly: You know what I'd rather do?

Jason Kelly: What?

Dick Kelly: I'd rather let Queen Latifah shit in my mouth from a fucking hot air balloon.

Dick Kelly: We have a long-standing bet - who's the better golfer. Obviously, I've got the bigger three-wood.

Lenore: Good. Maybe you can use it to hit your balls right into my vagina.

Jason Kelly: Holy shit.

Jason Kelly: [shows up in a yellow sweater and plaid slacks] Well, how do I look?

Dick Kelly: Like the keynote speaker at a butt-fucking convention.

Lenore: Hi, Professor.

Dick Kelly: Well, there's the prettiest little girl on the beach.

Lenore: Thank you.

Dick Kelly: I was actually talking to him.

Bradley: Yup, immediately offensive. I'm going back to the hotel.

Dick Kelly: Just try not to join the cast of Rent on the way back.

Dick Kelly: I'm gonna get some beers. What about you, twinkle toes? You want summa dat drank? Summa dat purple draaank? Summa dat purple ass motherfuckin' pimp dick draaank?

Bradley: Who... the fuck... are you?

Lenore: I like your pull-out couch.

Dick Kelly: Yeah? Well, I got news for you. That's the only thing that's going to be pulling out tonight.

Dick Kelly: You're like some sort of cock blocking terminator sent back from the future to cock block humans.

Jason Kelly: Ah, got ya.

Dick Kelly: The robots should've sent you instead of Arnold Schwarzenegger, you could've cock blocked John Conners' parents and he never would've been born.

Jason Kelly: Shut up Grandpa. Shut up.

Lenore: For what it's worth, I still really wanna fuck you.

Dick Kelly: Oh, we're gonna fuck.

Lenore: Yeah, we are.

Dick Kelly: We're gonna thunderfuck.

Lenore: You're gonna tsunami on my face.

Dick Kelly: You're gonna flood like the Nile.

Lenore: Yeah, I guess the drought in my pussy is finally over.

Dick Kelly: The villagers will finally eat.

Lenore: You're gonna die while you're eating me out. I want your last breath to be in my pussy.

Cody: Lenore, you're such a slut!

Dick Kelly: Look... I'm sorry, I don't know if I can do this. I haven't done it for a long time.

Lenore: I want you to tear open my bra like it's a social security check. Tell me you've fallen and you can't get up.

Dick Kelly: I've fallen and I can't get up.

Lenore: Tell me how things were better under Eisenhower.

Dick Kelly: Things were better under Eisenhower.

Lenore: We like Ike!

Dick Kelly: [yells] We like Ike! We like Ike! We like Ike! We like Ike!

Lenore: Are you cumming or dying?

Dick Kelly: I'm not sure, maybe both!

• Naughty is relative.
• Lose your way. Find your manhood.
• What did you learn from your grandparents?

• Robert De Niro — Dick Kelly
• Zac Efron — Jason
• Aubrey Plaza — Lenore
• Zoey Deutch — Shadia
• Julianne Hough — Meredith
• Dermot Mulroney — David
• Jason Mantzoukas — Pam
• Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman — Bradley

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Dirty Grandpa

• Dirty Grandpa quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Dirty Grandpa at Rotten Tomatoes