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Army of Darkness

From Wikiquote

Army of Darkness (also known as Evil Dead III: Army of Darkness) is a 1993 film about a man who is accidentally transported to 1300 A.D., where he must battle an army of the dead and retrieve the Necronomicon so he can return home. It is a sequel to The Evil Dead and Evil Dead 2.

Directed by Sam Raimi. Written by Sam Raimi and Ivan Raimi.
Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas. Taglines

Ash

[edit]
  • My name is Ash, and I am a slave. As far as I can figure, the year is 1300 AD, and I'm being dragged to my death. It wasn't always like this. I had a real life once, a job. [now Ash is in a flashback] Hardware, aisle twelve. Shop smart: shop S-Mart! [back to monologue] I had a wonderful girlfriend, Linda. [Flashback: Ash and Linda at the cabin] Together we drove to a small cabin in the mountains. It seems an archaeologist had come to this remote place to translate and study his latest find: Necronomicon Ex-Mortis, The Book of the Dead. Bound in human flesh and inked in blood, this ancient Sumerian text contained bizarre burial rites, funerary incantations and demon resurrection passages. It was never meant for the world of the living. The book awoke something dark in the woods. [something crashes through the window of the cabin and Linda screams] It took Linda, and then it came for me. It got into my hand and it went bad, so I lopped it off at the wrist. [Ash is seen cutting off his hand] But that didn't stop it. It came back... Big time. [Ash gets pulled into the vortex holding onto the doorway] For God's sake! How do you stop it?!
  • All right, you primitive screw-heads, listen up! See this? This... is my 'BOOMSTICK!' - [continuing nonchalantly] - It's a twelve-gauge, double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right, this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt-blue steel, and a hair trigger. That's right... shop smart: shop S-Mart... YA GOT THAT?!
  • Now I swear, the next one of you primates even touches me... [yells, shoots at the pit Deadite, then shoots again]
  • First you wanna kill me, now you wanna kiss me. [spits out grape seed] Blow.
  • Yo, she-bitch! Let's go!
  • It's a trick. Get an axe.
  • [trying out his new prosthetic gloved hand] Groovy!
  • [about to kiss Sheila] Gimme some sugar, baby.
  • Good, bad... I'm the guy with the gun.
  • Three books? Wait a minute... hold it. Nobody said anything about three books! Ooh, that stinkin' wiseman! He was so busy fillin' me full of his secret little words and his phrases and his BULLSHIT, that he never said anything about this!
  • Klaatu Barada NNNNNNecktie. Nectar. Nickel. Noodle. It's an "N" word, it's definitely an "N" word! Klaatu... Barada... N [clears his throat into his hand, then pauses] Okay... that's it!
  • Keep your damn filthy bones outta my mouth!
  • [crushing skeletons with boulders] OH, THAT'S GOTTA HURT!
  • [sets "Evil Ash" on fire, then swings towards him on a rope] TALLY HOOOO! [kicks him off the castle wall]
  • [final monologue] Sure I could've stayed in the past. Could've even been king. But in my own way, I am king.
  • [Last Lines] Hail to the king, baby!

"Evil Ash"

[edit]
  • Dig, damn you! Dig faster! I shall command every worm-infested son of a bitch that ever died in battle!
  • OOH, YOU MISERABLE BAGS OF BONES! PICK YOURSELVES UP, AND SALLY Fagghh- [jaw dislocates; he relocates it] SALLY Fagghh- [jaw dislocates again; he relocates it again] ...sally forth.
  • [fighting Ash] You're pissin' me off, you ugly son of a bitch!
  • [fighting Ash] I'll spoil those good looks!
  • [after being burned and reduced to a skeleton by Ash] I got a bone to pick with you!

Dialogue

[edit]
Duke Henry: You're not one of my vassals... who are you?
Ash: Who wants to know?
Duke Henry: I am Henry the Red, Duke of Shale, Lord of the Northland and leader of its peoples.
Ash: Well, hello, Mister Fancypants! I've got news for you, pal, you ain't leadin' but two things right now: Jack and shit... and Jack left town.
Wiseman: This path will lead you to an unholy place, a cemetery. There, the Necronomicon awaits. When thou retrievest the book from its cradle, you must recite the words "Klaatu Barada Nikto".
Ash: "Klaatu Barada Nikto." Okay...
Wiseman: Well, repeat them.
Ash: [exasperated] "Klaatu Barada Nikto".
Wiseman: Again!
Ash: I GOT IT, I GOT IT! I know your damn words, all right?! Now you get this straight, the both of ya: if I get that book, you send me back. After that, I'm history.
Ash: [attacked by miniature versions of himself] Oh, you little bastards! All right! I'll crush each and every one of ya! I'll crush you to PIECES, I'm telling ya! I'll squash you so hard, you'll have to look up to look down--
"Mini Ash": Hey, dumbass! [drops a bucket down onto his head]
Ash: What are you? Are you me?
"Evil Ash": "What are do? Are you me?" HAHAHOOHOOHOOHOO! You sound like a jerk!
Ash: Why ya doin' this, huh?
"Evil Ash": Oh, you wanna know? 'Cause the answer's easy! I'm BAD Ash... and you're GOOD Ash! You're a goody little two-shoes! [doing a taunting dance] You're a goody little two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! Little goody two-shoes! [begins to sucker-punch Ash] Little goody TWO-SHOES! Little goody TWO-SHOES! HEHEHEHEHE! [honks] LITTLE GOODY TWO-SHOES! HEHEHE--
[from the Theatrical Cut]
Ash: [fires shotgun at "Evil Ash"] Good, bad... I'm the guy with the gun.
[from Director's Cut]
Ash: [cocks shotgun, points it under "Evil Ash"'s nose and fires] I ain't that good.
Wiseman: When you removed the book from the cradle, did you speak the words?
Ash: Yeah, basically.
Wiseman: Did you speak the exact words?!
Ash: Look, maybe I didn't say every single little tiny syllable, no, but basically I said them, yeah!
Wiseman: Dung-eating fool! Thou hast doomed us all! When thou misspoke the words, the army of the dead awoke!
Ash: Now whoa, whoa, whoa right there, spinach-chin!
Scout: My Lord, an army of the dead gather in the wilderness, and they approach the castle.
Lord Arthur: How far from here?
Scout: 'Bout two days' ride.
Lord Arthur: Then these winged ones are only the first of them.
Wiseman: Perhaps we should leave this place as soon as possible?
Man 1: We can be safe in the hills!
Man 2: Yes, the mountains!
Wiseman: It is written, Arthur! It is been foretold!
Man 1: They'll take our souls!
Man 2: I'm afraid!
Man 1: They'll swallow our souls!
Man 2: And we're about to DIE!
[Ash silences the panic with a gunshot]
Ash: That's it. Go ahead and run! Run home and cry to mama! Me? I'M THROUGH RUNNING! I say we stay here and fight it out.
Lord Arthur: Are all men from the future loudmouthed braggarts?!
Ash: Nope. Just me, baby. Just me.
Possessed Sheila: You found me beautiful once...
Ash: Honey, you got reeeal ugly!
Ash: Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store.
Possessed woman: Who the hell are you?!
Ash: Name's Ash. [cocks rifle] Housewares. [then a fight breaks out, and he shoots the Possessed Woman in the stomach makes her fly backwards and lands on her feet]
Possessed Woman: [Looks at seeing a hole in her stomach, then gets mad and looks at Ash] I'll swallow your soul!
Ash: Come get some.

Taglines

[edit]
  • Trapped in time. Surrounded by evil. Low on gas
  • 1 man, 1 million dead, the odds are just about even.
  • They move. They breathe. They suck.
  • Get ready. Get set. Get dead.
  • Foretold by a mystical book. Forewarned by a wiseman. Fulfilled by a wiseguy.
  • Sound the trumpets, raise the drawbridge, and drop the Oldsmobile.
  • They're looking for a few dead men.
  • How can you destroy an army that's already dead?
  • In an age of darkness, at a time of evil... When the world needed a hero, what it got was him.

Cast

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See also

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Wikipedia
Wikipedia
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