Party Down

Party Down (2009–2010) is an American sitcom, aired on Starz, about a catering team composed of usually-unsuccessful aspirants to Hollywood fame.

Ron: Do you know what you get when you hire a Party Down catering team? At Party Down we have a simple motto: it's your party, you deserve to enjoy it, but how are you going to enjoy the party if you're worried about whether the shrimp cocktail has been sitting out too long, or is there enough ice, or do the guests think the party is lame, or are they stealing stuff, or are they going through the medicine cabinet because they're nosy or because they think they might find something that'll give them a rocking buzz? I used to do that last thing. Not anymore. Clean and sober.

Hostess: Um, wow, that—that—that's quite a motto...

---

[Henry is forced to wear the larger Ron's shirt]

Casey: Ah, you're going for your own look.

Henry: Yeah—

Casey: It's nice.

Henry: —Yeah, I thought I'd go for the "helpful gay pirate" kind of thing.

Casey: [mock consolingly] You don't look helpful.

Ron: Actually, I learned this at the sensitivity seminar, that we do not use that word, okay? I mean, I'm not, but we don't know who may be...

Casey: A pirate?

Henry: Helpful?

[Constance has overheard a party guest make an un-PC joke]

Kyle: Fucking intolerance blows! [Constance prepares to spit] Woah, what are we doing here?

Constance: I am going to spit on all the appetizers because I can't remember which ones he was eating.

Kyle: No, you know what: there's other things we can do than spitting.

Constance: Like what? [disappointed] I love spitting.

---

[Henry has quit acting]

Party guest: One last thing: nobody ever accomplished anything by quitting. You know, what if Ronald Reagan quit?

Casey: Quit acting? He did.

Henry: Yeah, that's actually where I got the idea.

---

Ron: Oh man, what are you gonna think when you walk into a Soup 'R Crackers you see me shaking hands with Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Henry: "The fuck am I doing in a Soup 'R Crackers?"

---

Ron: [as he is burning the American flag in order to make it look like it's been through battle] You can be two things in life: You can be an achiever or you can be a fuck-up.

Henry: Ok, and which one are you being right now?

Ron: I'm an achiever!

Henry: Well, then, I'm definitely a fuck-up. I gotta say, standing here watching you light a flag on fire in a parking lot... I feel kinda okay about it.

Bruce: Henry, what is the craziest place that you ever made love?

Constance: Yeah.

Henry: ...A bed.

Constance: What did he say?

Bruce: Wow.

Constance: What did he say?

Bruce: "A bed."

Constance: What did we ask him?

Bruce: I don't know.

---

Constance: That's a leg?

Ron: Made footless! By pot.

Ron: [pointing at the Powerpoint presentation of their host] Hey Roman, Google me in ten years, that's going to be me.

Roman: The only way I'm Googling you in ten years is if you get very creative in the way that you kill yourself.

---

Constance: [in a low voice; imitating a cow] Mooooooo! You can milk me if you like. My tits are fuuuulll.

Lisa: Cramsey.

Henry: I'm sorry?

Lisa: My new name. 'Cause like I do a lot of anal. So it's like "cram it up there," you know, like cram it.

Henry: I get it.

---

Roman: Hey, Ronald, I'm gonna go river boating on the Mississippi. I need something to measure depth. Can I borrow your dick?

[all of them wearing white suits and pink ties]

Ron: I wanna show Mr. Stiltskin what true professionalism looks like.

Roman: Like fucking ass-clown? I feel like Lou Ferrigno in this motherfucker.

Henry: We look like we're in the gay secret service or something.

---

Ron: Today this boat isn't just a boat. It's a fairy tale fantasy land where every boy's a playa and every girl's a bitch.

Constance: Rick Fox, he's the guest speaker.

Roman: On what topic? How the wealth I made from my pituitary abnormality relates to your dipshit corporate hell?

---

Kyle: [about Rick Fox] Dude that tall, I bet his dick's like two feet long. Probably like fucking a handsome giraffe. I mean, he could be in one room fucking her and in the other room reading a magazine. I bet when he gets a boner, it's it's like half a hula hoop.

Constance: I was once involved in a workplace romance. It kinda got out of hand. It was a sex explosion. It's really the only way I can describe it. We did it constantly, in vans, in bathrooms, in the bushes. It was non-stop sex.

Ron: Hello? Is this work?

Constance: This is work-related, Ron. We fucked in the sink. We fucked in the dinghy.

---

Kyle: You know, acting is like crime. But instead of using guns or clubs, I assault you with emotions.

Joe: Or even knives.

Bobbie: Grab your destiny by the balls and squeeze hard. I'll bet you've never done that in your career.

Henry: No, I wouldn't even know where destiny's balls are.

---

Melinda: I mean, you might've told me you were married before I fucked you.

Mark: Would you have fucked me if I told you I was married first? Gotta split. Good seeing you, Melissa.

Bobbie: This is going to be absolutely magical...

Roman: I believe you mean absolutely gay.

Bobbie: Don't be such a homophobe. Nothing gay about a gay wedding.

---

Uda: That's gonna be strike one. One more and I'm gonna report you to Alan Duk.

Roman: You know there are three strikes in baseball.

Uda: Well, this isn't fucking baseball, weasel face! It's catering!

Jackal: I want to be called Dennis.

Nick: You ever been to an orgy?

Lydia: Can't say that I have.

Nick: Me neither it looks like.

Lydia: Aw, it's early. A few drinks, people will warm up. Ed, my ex, well, get a couple of beers in that guy and he'd just start yelling for me to make out with my friend Peg.

Nick: Did you ever do that?

Lydia: Gosh, no. Well, I mean, after my divorce. But, it was special.

---

Casey: What is all this shit? Is this what guys like? Sex as a faceless party game?

Lydia: Uh, I think so. What do you think of Nick?

Casey: The host?

Lydia: Yes.

Casey: No, really?

Lydia: Yes! What do you mean? Single, lawyer, big house.

Casey: He's into anonymous cheap sex...

Lydia: Casey, men aren't like us. To them, sex is a big deal...like sports or...flags.

Vanna: I'm a terrible liar.

Henry: It's not lying, it's... acting. Look, I was an actor; it's easy. You just use the true bits and you fake the fake bits.

Vanna: And... that's acting?

Henry: Most actors aren't bright, so it has to be simple.

---

Lydia: Death is not the end, I can tell you that one for sure. When my friend Peg's fiancée got shot, he haunted her apartment.

Kyle: Woah, he got shot?

Lydia: Hunting accident. Yeah. Randy had this t-shirt with a big eagle on it, and he came through the bushes, and Peg just... [imitates shotgun firing]

Ron: ...There's an eagle season?

Lydia: Duck. But, you know, you see wings, you just react. But let me tell you something: Randy haunted her plumbing until she had to move to a different unit. [shivers]

Garlan: [taunting] This is it, dog. This is it, bro. Come on, you think you got what it takes? [Garlan's opponent shoots and misses] You don't! HORSE motherfucker!

---

Garlan: You dickless weenis!

---

Danielle: Biggest my dad ever freaked out was when he found pot in my room.

Ron: You smoke pot?

Danielle: No. I quit. I mean, I'm trying to quit. I am stoned right now, but just a tiny bit.

---

Bolus: I hear you may join us at the main office.

Henry: Oh...

Bolus: Capital of North Dakota?

Henry: What?

Bolus: Bismarck! Bone up on your trivia. We're a crazy bunch over there.

Ron: [laughing] Ah, trivia. What's green and falls up?

Bolus: That's not trivia.

Ron: What don't you understand? It's crystal clear. Ron Donald Do's, okay? The 4 P's and 1 B. Politeness, Professionalism, Perfectionism, Proactive, Be on time.

Roman: I have a proactive suggestion. [goes to white board]

Kyle: You-you know what, I think we get the system.

Ron: Okay, then what don't you understand, Kyle? [to Roman] What are you doing? Don't do that. Don't—

Roman: "Punctuality."

Ron: What? No! Don't do that!

Roman: Now it's 5 P's.

Ron: No! I already have 4 P's. That's an RDD.

Roman: That's a Ron Donald Do?

Ron: No, a Ron Donald Don'ts. "Failure to politeness."

Roman: This is so confusing, Ron.

Kyle: You know what I don't get? Who says you get to be boss?

Ron: I do. As boss I have that authority.

Kyle: You can't do that.

Ron: Yeah, I can, and I did.

Kyle: Okay, well, hey guys, guess what? I'm the boss now.

Ron: You can't do that because you're not the boss. You know, can I finish please? Three RDDs, I dock your pay.

Roman: You can't do that, Ron.

Ron: I can too! And Roman, that's an RDD.

Roman: A Do? This is the dumbest fucking strategy for productivity. [Henry enters]

Kyle: Henry, is Ron really the boss?

Henry: Yeah, Ron's in charge, everybody.

Ron: See? Not that what he says matters.

Casey: [affectionately] You are a runty little puppy.

Henry: [pleased] Thanks.

Howard: And this must be Casey Kleinberg.

Casey: Klein.

Howard: [to his fiancee Constance] Boy, you weren't kiddin' about those cans!

• Adam Scott - Henry Pollard
• Ken Marino - Ron Donald
• Jane Lynch - Constance Carmell (Season 1, episodes 1–8; guest star season 2, episode 10)
• Jennifer Coolidge - Bobbie St. Brown (Season 1, episodes 9–10)
• Megan Mullally - Lydia Dunfree (Season 2)
• Ryan Hansen - Kyle Bradway
• Martin Starr - Roman DeBeers
• Lizzy Caplan - Casey Klein
• J. K. Simmons - Leonard Stiltskin (Season 1, episode 6 & Season 2, episode 2)
• Joey Lauren Adams - Diandra Stiltskin (Season 1, episode 6 & Season 2, episode 2)
• Ken Jeong - Alan Duk (Season 1, episodes 5, 10)
• Kristen Bell - Uda Bengt (Season 1, episode 10 & Season 2, episode 7)
• Aviva - Mandy (Season 2, episodes 1, 2)
• Michael Hitchcock - Bolus Lugozshe (Season 2, episodes 7, 10)
• June Diane Raphael - Danielle Lugozshe (Season 2, episodes 7, 10)

• Party Down quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• Official site