Montana
- This article is about the U.S. state. For the American singer, see Hannah Montana. For the uninhabitable wasteland, see New Zealand.
| State Flower: | The Satelite Dish |
|---|---|
| Official Languages: | Red-Neck, English, Canadian, Sioux and Drunk |
| Governor: | Hannah Montana the First Whore, Helen Clark Representative Legislature, Helen Keller State Secretary. |
| State Bird: | The Hairless Eagle |
| State Motto: | Get The Fuck outta My State |
| State Anime: | Bigfoot |
| Nickname: | America's Wood Pointer |
| State Capitol: | Hell on Earth pronounced Helena |
| State Anthem: | Montana (F. Zappa) |
| Standard MPH while driving through town: | ∞ 60 MPH |
| State Club: | Stockman, Mint, and Two-Bit |
| Official Sandwich: | Fried Porkchop Sandwich |
“WHAT IS THIS PLACE???”
Montana is a nonfictional US state named for footballer Joe Montana, who purchased it from the Cleveland Indians for $1 in 1976. Prior to that, the state had been owned by the Great Northern and Northern Pacific Railroads, the Anaconda Copper Company, the Minnesota Twins, and the Minnesota Vikings. However, Great Northern and Northern Pacific didn't want to have to share it, so they merged to form Burlington Northern, now Burlington Northern Santa Fe, also known as "Bin Nothin' Since San Francisco". With a population of 1,090,000, and a population density of around 2 people/square mile, it will, fortunately or unfortunately, reach 2,000,000 people by the 2012 census. It should be noted that the population density of cattle in Montana is around 500/square mile and that for sheep, 234/square mile, meaning that Welsh and New Caledonia, New Zealanders like it a lot. The capital of Montana is Helena. It is a home of MONGO.
In the mid seventies, entrepreneur Frank Zappa, later reincarnated as Donald Trump, had plans to establish a dental floss plantation in Eastern Montana and moving the entire state to the Southern United States for the cheap labor, but somehow was unable to pull it off; adequate wax supplies were not available since Montana has relatively few oil reserves, and the public was simply not ready for a dental floss product coated in wax made of cooper, wheat chaff, or cattle and sheep byproducts.
Contrary to the claims made by countless fugly bumper stickers and belt buckles, the sky in Montana is no larger than the sky over any other state.
It is a state law that all bars in towns with poulations under 100 carry the name Mint, Stockman or Two-Bit.
Montana has also been home to the Unabomber and a group of crazy rifle-toting rednecks (aka white freedom fighters) known as the "Enslaved and Rejected Brickmasons" who wanted to establish an independent Republican, uh REDNECK utopia on desert-like land near Jordan (in Montana, not the Middle-East, but the country around this part of Montana damn sure looks like it COULD be in the Middle East). David Koresh considered relocating to Montana, but found it, "like, too crazy, man" so he and his followers stayed in Texas, a fact that reveals all you really need to know about Montana. Elizabeth Clare Prophet, who would have founded Scientology if L. Ron Hubbard hadn't thought of it first, found the state quite to her liking, however.
Politics[edit | edit source]
The majority of people in Montana vote Republican because it is the white mans religion to do so. However even though they do vote Republican they act like Democrats and liberals. Demanding Government subsidies, welfare programs, free pot and accept the loss of jobs due to illegal immigration. The average farm and ranch worker does not even have Amercian citizenship. Most locals seem to think this acceptable because most schools in Montana are incapable of teaching critical thinking. When the economy fails they blame Californian's for there own misgivings. If there was really a Montanan that was actually worth two shits to elect then they would not be electing the Californian scape goat. Since HB1070 in Arizona the state that has there shit together many illegals have now come to Montana since it is easy for them find work in agriculture and construction that many Montana males are lazy or unskilled to do.
Up until 2007, one of Montana's two senators was an old dude named Conrad Burns, who is, obviously, a Republican. While he denies all connection to the above-mentioned Brickmasons, Burns first came to prominence as an agribusiness reporter, which means he whined on the radio every morning about how the farmers were getting screwed by low crop prices. He also owned most of the radio stations, so no one could stop him, not that anyone really wanted to. Since 95% of the state's population are farmers, an always-successful campaign strategy, if one is running for office in Montana, is to whine about low crop prices. Once in office, Burns made many friends by trying to strip Native Americans of their few remaining rights; while this proved popular with the majority population, who are white people as well as with the state's 35 Hispanics, and even with the state's seventeen African-American residents, the electorate eventually grew tired of Burns, especially after he referred to the state's one Arab-American as a "rag-head" and called the population of Washington D.C. "a bunch of n*ggers." None of this would have upset most Montanans too much, except, what with the Unabomber and the Brickmasons and all, it made the state look bad and tourists were threatening to boycott, which would have been an economic disaster, since crop prices were, as always, too low. Further, it also turns out that Burns had connections with corrupt and convicted lobbyist Jack Abramhoff. In the general election of 2006, Burns was defeated for reelection by (organic) farmer (what else?) Jon Tester, a guy TV pundit Jon Stewart calls "literally level-headed" since he, Tester, chronically wears a flattop haircut. While Tester clearly won, his margin of victory was extremely narrow, giving Burns an excuse to wait several days before conceding defeat. In his concession statement, Burns said, "We fought the good fight but came up just a little short. I am proud of my record." What "record" Burns was referring to was not immediately clear: an unknown recording, perhaps, or a prison record? He obviously could not have been referring to his record as Senator. It eventually transpired that he meant his post-slavery world record for most racial slurs in one sentence, set in 2005 Trent Lott with a little help from his friends.
The current governor of Montana is, surprisingly, a Democrat, but one who is against gun control. He defeated the Republican incumbent, a woman named Judy Martz, who, among other things, stated publicly that she, indeed, was a "lapdog of industry" and darn proud of it too. Like most contemporary Republicans and virtually all white Montanans, she and Burns are both card-carrying members of the Kenny Kuhn Klan, a super-secret political organisation (see gang, organised crime) founded by oppressed rich white males (See good ole boys) in the American South after the Civil War.
For much of its history, Montana had no speed limit. This, combined with no statewide open container law and very long, empty two-lane highways, saw drunk drivers often speeding over great distances at 113 mph in Ford F150 pickups, especially over black ice in Winter, shooting rifles into the air and shooting, "Charlton Heston is MY President." Some sociologists use this fact to help explain Montana's perpetually low population. Much of this has changed, however, since guys like Ted Turner, Tom Brokaw and David Letterman have started buying ranches in Montana to use as vacation hideaways; for some reason, these guys are not amused by rednecks driving drunk at high speeds while simultaneously firing high-powered rifles. The locals, for their part, are quite unhappy at the presence of these "goddamn liberals" and their opinions on such matters: "What'll be next, gay marriage?"
Speaking of which, Montana is fundamentally a place where "men are men, women are scarce, and sheep are nervous because the women are scarce." Honest, I was only trying to push her through the fence.
Why care about Montana?[edit | edit source]
- Because it has America's largest ski resort.
- It had no speed limit until 1995.
- Hanna Montana
- Maximum amount of tropical moisture from the state less then two inches.
- There are only four reasons to care about it.
Education[edit | edit source]
Even though Montana claims to have high school graduates the average graduate has only a third grade reading level and cannot formulate a three syllable word. To do so would offend any native Montanan.
Sex education is the same as Arkanasas standards. The "do's and don'ts" with your sister or cousin. Also there is course that is state mandatory on how to spread STDs while blaming it on your sister or best friend.
Most Montanans claim the reason for the Fourth of July is to Party and know nothing of our forefathers becase history is optional.
Health ed teaches that bathing is optional and should only be done sometimes and never.
Many school districts will pass children and mark children present each day in order to continue state funding with out reasonable results.
Who lives in Montana?[edit | edit source]
- David Letterman has a ranch where he comes every once in a while to shag fellow employees and/or plot to let his child be kidnapped.
- The Unabomber: born and raised in the wilderness as the pride and joy of Montana.
- other than that, no one because Chuck Norris annihilated everyone else when he produced, directed, and starred in "A River Runs Through it 2: Attack of the ninja bears.
- Margot Kidder, Livingston Montana where she spends the rest of her days picking berries and talking to cats.
- Steven Segal owns a ranch near Ennis where he is plots to kill Chuck Norris and take over his jokes.
- Ted Turner and his Liberal wife Jane Fonda
- Elizabeth Cliar Prophet where the cult followers never did see the end of world so they left. The remainder of the cult Church Universal Triumphant (C.U.T.) is betting on 2012 as a safe bet.
- Wife Beater
- Career welfare recipients & disability scam artists
- Locals who act like women and gossip worse than old women
- Pot heads
- Corrupt law enforcement who sell to the pot heads.
Major Towns[edit | edit source]
Butte Montana: The asshole of Americana, While there you can visit the Evel Knievel museum and tavern.
Bozeman Montana: Home of a decent college and Jack Horner. The dude who helped with dinosaur accuracy and other shit on Jurassic Park
Notable People from Montana[edit | edit source]
Evel Knievel was born in Butte, Montana where at the age of twelve he jumped over the Berkly Pit (a giant toxic hole which is the largest superfund site in the United States, it is also the aspect of their town which the people of Butte are most proud of and is the reason for the towns nickname: asshole of America) on a homemade bicycle built for two.