Light
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- This article is about light. For the famous Uchiha cross-dresser with God Complex, see Light Yagami.
“In the beginning there was nothing. Then God said, “Let there be light,” and there was still nothing, but you could see it.”
“What’s this ... a “light bulb”? HE’S A WITCH!”
“Light makes things bright.”
Light was invented in 1866 by famous American playwright Nikola Tesla but initially was available only in "GrayScale".[1] This is why all old movies (and plays) are black-and-white. Color was invented during World War II to make it easier to see camouflaged objects. It was also more pleasing aesthetically to show weight in red numbers whenever someone was about to break the Gray-(Grey-)/TechniColorScale.
History of light[edit | edit source]
And God said, "Let there be fields, an electrical field and a magnetic field." And there were fields, and it was good. And God said, "Let the electrical and magnetic fields have zero divergence. And let the curl of the electrical field be the negative of the change of the magnetic field with respect to time." And it was so. And God said, "Let the curl of the magnetic field be the product of the permittivity and permeability of the void with the change of the electrical field with respect to time." And, lo, there was light – a totally unanticipated byproduct.
Initially light was thought to be a substance that would be a usable form of energy.[2] Though it has since been disproved, "light theory" was a valuable steppingstone to our modern understanding of vision. Although generally thought to be one of Einstein's Malicious Theories, it is thought now to have been a genuine error. This replaced the previous theory of vision, which held that objects were seen by "smelling" the "air" with our eyes. After scientific progress began suspecting that air theory was a fluke, it wasn't long before light theory was developed. However, it didn't last much longer.
Physics of light[edit | edit source]
Light travels at 196 billion nautical miles (the standard-length unit for physicists) every fortnight. Keep those lighthouses clean! Dark physicists will tell you that light is about half as fast as dark but only during the day. (At night dark is faster, which is why it's dark.)
Light is the sum of three moons adding their solar rays to the plutonium–argon supply, which in theory could result in a majorly catastrophic setback and, left unchecked, get really stinky. The sun emits light particles of all colors, each with a distinctive wavelength.[3] For example, blue light has an extremely short wavelength, which causes it to bump into all sorts of space junk enroute to us. The blue light reflects off the space junk, causing the junk, and indeed the entire sky, to appear blue.[4] Yellow light has a long wavelength, and therefore travels straight from the sun to your retina, making the sun appear yellow.
Einsteinian Physics state that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction. This idea is incongruous with light theory. Adam Smith showed this by placing a spotlight facing upward on a common balance. If light was really being emitted upwards, the spotlight should have exerted an increased amount of downward pressure on the balance, tipping it. However, no change in downwards pressure was observed. Supporters of light theory blamed the results of the experiment on imprecision on the part of the equipment, or on Smith himself. Since then, the same experiment has been conducted with equipment capable of measuring particles too small to be seen, with the same results. Since light (had it existed) could clearly be seen, it would obviously have shown up in the refined tests.
Metaphysics of light[edit | edit source]
The killing blow to light theory was dealt in the 1930s when glass was invented by a pair of Dutch optometrists who were searching for something to put in their anal passages. If light truly traveled between objects, it would have been impeded by such an object as glass.[5]
Light has since had several patch updates to allow for custard creams and tea. The most prominent of these states that "light" is actually just a particle wavoid, similar to green cheese that has been used to wash a boat. Objects that emit "light" are simply creating a flow of these wavoids, analogous to a crack whore. While this idea remains a theory, it is still upheld by much of the scientific community including Asian chicks. The religious community, however, holds that light is made of the souls of undead ancestors of kiwi fruit and oranges.
Light, clearly, is the one topic about which everybody thinks they know all about, but in reality, they don't. And the light bulb industry sure isn't about to give away all their secrets.
Benefits of light[edit | edit source]
Everyone knows that the light is good incarnate. It can never do wrong, unlike those filthy shadows.
- It causes skin cancer (for the greater good).
- It causes blindness. (Who really needs sight anyway?)
- It burns! (Burning stuff is fun.)
- It occurs when nukes explode. (Everyone knows nukes are awesome and should explode everywhere.)
- It causes disruptions in the biological clock. (Feels just like jet lag – something only rich people and presidents can get.)
- Lucifer means "light bringer". (Well, at least he's more popular than God.)
See also[edit | edit source]
- Solar power
- Einstein's Malicious Theories
- Light beer
- Speed of light
- Light saber
- Lamp
- Anti-Light
- Epilepsy
- Twitty Light
Notes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ sold under the name "GreyScale" in the UK to avoid confusion
- ↑ an idea rampant with hippies living in communes
- ↑ Some smell delicious; most smell like shit.
- ↑ unless it's Thursday
- ↑ Interestingly, some groups had already claimed to have disproved light by showing that it couldn't pass through air – case in point: where the sun don't shine – even though air was already regarded as a myth by most of the scientific community.