Jessica Simpson
“Oh YEAH! OH YEAH JESSICA!”
Jessica Ann Simpson (born yesterday), also known as Mrs. Chicken of the sea is an American Hooker from Springfield, well known for having one of the highest IQ's ever recorded for an inbred Alabama hooker that originally got thrown out of the 2nd dimension.
Jessica was born from the incest relationship of OJ Simpson and spouse Lisa Simpson. She was born deformed because of the circumstances of her conception, horribly disfigured with no yellow skin, no bulging eyes or huge overbite, and an amazing 5 fingers and 5 toes instead of the 4 babies in Springfield are usually born with. This horrified and bewildered the citizens of Springfield to the point that they eventually o dumped her into a trans-dimensional portal, seen in the "Homer³" Simpsons episode (Treehouse of Horror VI), and thusly she arrived into a dumpster in Ventura Canyon Avenue in Sherman Oaks, California. (close to an erotic cakes store). This is why this cartoon of human stupidity lives here now. She was adopted by a couple from Abilene, Texas and was later reunited with her long-lost sister, Ashlee Simpson, also born from a night of Bart-Lisa incestual humping.
Subspecies of the Simpsons family. In the dysfunctional family as pictured in the real-life cartoon series, she has the role of misunderstood genie. However, she is generally not considered a cartoon character due to lack of character. She is second in line to the British throne after Bart. She is also believed to have appeared as a rabbit. She has also many awards including the Nobel Peace Prize, which she was awarded for when she cloned herself, she also has been married to Paris Hilton for quite some time now. But the greatest of all, Aaron Kumar the love of her life leaked their sex tape online. The public got a shocking look at Simpsons' tiny miny titty. all the push-up bra and extra padding is not going to help you anymore jessica!!.
She is also well-known for her works on biology. Not only did she clear up the Chicken of the Sea conspiracy, she also discovered a new species/mutant of the Buffalo, as well as the invention of a new species know only as the platamupus. She received the Nobel Prize in Chemistry for her comparisons of fire and ice. She also has had sex with Paris Hilton, countless times, one time they put oil on each other! She even turned into a bitch once when she accidentally drank her own BITCH JUICE.
"I'd like to talk about pussy with that biologist in Umbrellastan!!" - George Bush. Her musical efforts earned her a Grammy nomination in the category of Best Spoken Word Performance by a Duo or Group, but the award instead went to former White House press secretary Ari Fleischer.
In 2001, Simpson went on the South Park Diet and slimmed down to -68 pounds. This attracted the attention of hip-hop impresario Nick Lachey, formerly of the band 98 Degrees, which had split off from Canned Heat. Simpson and Lachey worked together to create the TV series The Brady Bunch Smile Time Variety Hour with The New Christy Minstrels. The show retroactively became a huge late-'70s hit and the couple rode to fame on a wave of nostalgia. Unfortunately Nick was not intelligent enough for Jessica (being one of the dozen or so smartest people on the planet ensures she can never get too close to any man--and thus remain a slut) so she left him and now lives with a chicken named Tuna.
Simpson recently embarked on an ambitious film career, auditioning for every role that had been turned down by Madonna. She finally hit pay dirt with a role as Catherine Bach in the documentary "Daisy Duke: A Story of Hope." The heightened media attention allowed her to take some "time off" from husband Nick and she has been linked romantically with several men/women including pop stars Omarion, Mariah Carey, Senators John Warner, Hillary Clinton and Spider-man.
After this she raped Morgan Freeman on the island of Greenland and had a part-dwarf son that she left in a bin. His name is Captain Kurk (seriously!) and works in a brewery south of Parma, Ohio.
For the Good of Science[edit | edit source]
Jessica Simpson is the best and sexiest professor there will ever be. She has a nice ass, just look at the Boots Are Made For Walking video. She can actually speak Swahili (Jambo!) So for the good of Science she needed to seduce some cops, just to get some formula or some shit like that. Anyway she was able to get the fluid and cure cancer, she saved mankind but the cops put her in jail where she turned to lesbianism to fulfill her sexual needs. This is where she met her sister Ashlee. Unfortunately, they did not know they were sisters and had rough german sex with sandpaper and steel wool. Jessica became pregnant after her sexual relations with her sister, who turned out to be a man. When she gave birth, the baby came out deformed and unfortunately inherited her noise from Ashlee. Paris Hilton then felt pity for her and bailed her out and took her out to dinner, where they ate tic tacs.
After a luscious outing, the two friends decided to work on AIDS, in which sadly turned out that Paris, indeed, acquired this disease in the early 1900's, due to the fact that. . .I really don't like to talk about it.*cough* CONTINUING. So anyways the pair contributed their time and dedication to searching for the cure. Long story short, Paris died and no one really seemed to take notice. Her lifeless, decomposing corpse can still be seen being passed around by several necrophiliacs throughout the United States and various European countries. As seen in Chapter 6 of the Bible, it is clearly stated that having AIDS is not a sin, considering that you must've REALLY screwed up to get some kind of disease as such. Anyways, Jessica fell into a deep depression from which she is still recovering from in Suicide Watch. She was going out with John Mayers, until she found out that he was a shemale. She is now in a Rehab with Paris Hilton, having sexual relationships every night.
In The WWE[edit | edit source]
In 2008, Jessica wrestled a match against her sister, Ashlee at WWE's Wrestlemania XXX where she fought Ashlee in a "Loser Can Never Sing Again" match. Jessica would go on to defeat her sister after both her parents, Pete Wentz, Nick Lachey, and Ryan Cabrera all interfered on her behalf. She later married WWE Superstud Randy Orton, simply a brawnier Nick Lachey.
Marraige Collapse[edit | edit source]
Despite reports that Jessicas marriage to Nick Lachey ended because Nick was fucking Karl Malone, he has a very different side to the story. "Our marriqge collapsed because she regularly sucked dick for drugs..when i reminded her we had enough money just to buy a whole mess of drugs she always replied 'i got that boom boom pow..these chickens jockin my style'" Looking off into the sunset, Nick added "It just got too hard to continually deal with this y'know? her inviting all kinds of dirty dick to her bi-monthly mouth parties..it made my heart weep..so i told her to take her puppies and run, and by fuck...she went ahead and did it"
Jessica Simpson is now been added to the Top 10 Skanks of all time, ranking in at Number 6. She also was given a new name shortly after she amde the list: Jessica Simpskank.