Japan
新大日本不戦風教民主主義経済的ハッピーハッピー可愛いイービルルー大衆文化帝国 Shin Dai Nippon Fusen Fuukyouuu Minshushugi Keizaiteki Happy Happy Kawaii Evilru Taishū Bunka Teikoku New Pacifist Democratic Economic Popular Culture Empire of Japan | |||||
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| Motto: BANZAI! | |||||
| Anthem: Pokemon Theme" by Nintendo | |||||
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| Capital | Yoshinoya (吉野家) | ||||
| Largest city | Hiroshima | ||||
| Official language(s) | Gibberish | ||||
| Government | Zaibatsu/Feudar-anarchist/Mathematicar Obrigation-Based Democratic Hierarchicar Autonomous Corrective | ||||
| ‑ His Imperial Majesty | Shigeru Miyamoto | ||||
| ‑ Prime Minister | Naruto from Attack on Titan | ||||
| ‑ President | Honatawa Sushayo Tadasti Teriyaki Suzuku Hond Civic | ||||
| Ethnic groups | 53% American Otakus 32% Native Japanese 15% Godzilla | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Ash Ketchum, Doraemon, Gojira, Ultraman, Kamen Rider, Herro Kitty | ||||
| Established | Way back when Susanoo-no-Mikoto defeated Yamata no Orochi, the first kaiju | ||||
| Currency | Hentai ¥ | ||||
| Religion | Anime, Yaoi, Anti-Koreanism | ||||
| Major exports | Sushi, whales, mercury, all the electronics, soy sauce, pointless “poems”, tiny trees in pots, anime girls | ||||
| Major imports | Otaku, gay shit, vintage apparel | ||||
| National animal | Pikachu | ||||
| National sport(s) | Studying | ||||
“私はオスカー・ワイルドです (Watashi Wa Wairudo Osukā Desu)”
“私はフアン・カルラ・マソです (Watashi Wa Maso Karura Fuan Desu)”
Japan is the nation that is on the other side of the world, if you live in the United States. It's that one that isn't China, you know the place where anime, manga, hentai, and Pokemon are from. If you live in China, it's quite close. If you live in Japan, just look out of the window.[1]
ヒストリー Hisutorii (History)
The history of Japan includes samurai, ninja, Mt. Fuji, anime, porn, bonsai trees, and geisha. Through paintings, written records, and other archaeological artifacts, historians have been able to piece together what Japanese life may have been like. Amazingly, it consisted of dinosaur rearing, tentacle agriculture and ancient astronauts. Confusionism from China was introduced to Japan via Korea late in the 3rd century AD. Bukkake first appeared on the Japanese mainland in the latter part of the 5th century AD. Despite the fact that many Japanese history books extol the virtues of collective jizzlobbing by native inhabitants of Nihon, ancient pottery found in modern day Disneyland suggest that Japanese businessmen and their daughters first learned Bukkake from California hippies during their summer excursions abroad. To this day, young Japanese girls spreading their forays in this delicate art, which they call "HappyHappyCameraFun!!!" to the four corners of the internet. The Japanese liked to ramble on with war and take everything from other countries nearby them, such as culture and potties. But do not worry, because the Japanese give back to these countries by raping them even more.
The Japanese claim that they are 1,000,000,000 BCE ye ol' people (and possibly more). The Japanese also like to bitch about how their neighboring countries such as Korea and China stole many, many of their cultures back in ancient times and World War II. They were generated by some ye ol' gods who formed the weird, sea-horse shaped island with magic salt from some dried up prune. The ye ol' gods, called kami, liked sea-horses and liked to devour them, so they created an island with few people now known as the Japanese. Every now and then, Japan sinks into the sea, which means that the kami guys are slowly devouring their precious sea-horse island. The Japanese take pride in their history, and deny any sort of nonsense talk about the ye ol' ancient Koreans and Chinese immigrating to their land and shaping their country up to tip-top shape with developed technology and arts in the harsh ancient times.
Japan is famous for complex social etiquette that doesn't make much sense but somehow people like it and follow it anyhow, originating from when Emperor Sudoku introduced the Chinese nine-rank system and forbade courtiers from standing in the same row, column, or box as any other courtiers of the same rank. This made nocturnal sexual liaisons difficult (unless one had a Genji Glove) as everyone had to move in a concerted fashion, much as in a sliding number puzzle. Mikado of Gilbert and Sullivan employed ridiculous rhymes against which Japanese poets were defenseless. The Emperor always won. If you went against everything that the Emperor told you to do, you were going to be attacked by swordy ninjas and anime porno characters every night. The Japanese mothers, afraid that their children would be raped by the Emperor's raping minions, told them that the Japanese Emperor was always the greatest and that he was god. The children, believing this, took their mothers' advices in the most honorable way by always obeying the Emperor to the extreme and eating up all the crappy Japanese propagandas. The children also hated other races because their Emperor told them too.
Japan has been, until recently, a largely agricultural economy; staple crops include rice, wheat, barley and miso. Most of these can be bought from vending machines which is pretty pricey. You can find these delicious diet staples at the Harajuku district, where Gwen Stefani lives with her magical harajuku girls who are – in her rotting eyes and brain – invisible.
Portuguese Christian missionaries came to Japan in the 17th century. The Japanese were offended by Portuguese, which they regarded as a poor substitute for Spanish, and sent Hello Kitty to ejaculate the Portuguese from Japan in the most sexually offending way.
Japan began a period of isolationism until US Navy commodore Matthew C. Perry arrived aboard the famous Black Ships. Japan: "No Perry, I don't think I'm ready. There's no rush is there? I mean we both love each other; isn't that enough for the moment?". Perry was drunk and the only thing on his mind was opening up those beautiful long slender Japanese trade routes. He replied, "Oh, that's okay. I just thought, if you really loved me, you would do this for me." Japan blushed and looked away, leaving the truth unspoken between them. Perry left, intent on returning next year to "just stick it in" and not deal with "all this emotional bullshit and crap". He liked that. Oh yeah, he did.
Perry returned on February 15, 1854, badly drunk, and he shoved a long hard black ship into Japan and they had a good time thrusting before he came on her face in the 1854 Convention of Kanagawa.
Japan, like other nations, has entered into a number of conflicts in the past, most recently World War II. In the 1930s, Japan attempted to turn Southeast Asia into an amusement park that would imitate Hell featuring natives in the role of the damned. The empire of Japan entered into a flurry of mad conquests with their national favorite Hello Kitty and anime porno characters, Their main form of attack consisting of wearing huge goggles and pulling orgasmic faces whilst flying tampon-shaped (or dildos, whichever they liked to pick) planes over large stretches of land and sea doing Kamikaze (a type of sexual harassment ritual in Japan) in an effort to piss off absolutely everyone into submission. The Imperial Japanese Army defeated colonial military forces in Southeast Asia with heavy casualties on both sides. IJA conscripts were all gays to save the trouble of "comfort women". Japanese soldiers found themselves irresistibly attracted to native men and many of these Japanese soldiers' wives had to cuff them to a tree branch in order to make them resist (and this is where the cuff/sex thing came from). Indescribable things took place. When news reached the USA, the puritans decided to put an end to this.
Japanese forces in the Pacific were wiped out by an all-star cast including Ben Affleck and Josh Hartnett. In 1945, the USA bombed Hirosammich and Niggasaki using atom bombs that killed so many Japanese. The Japanese people still talk about this to this day, but all they are really wanting are sympathy from Amerika and other-less-important-but-still- important Euro-nations. The Japanese ignore what they've done to many of their Prisoners of War, captured Koreans, Chinese, Vietnamese, Filipinos, etc., etc. The Japanese then became peace-loving businessmen making affordable automobiles, consumer electronics, pocky, sushi, colored TV, pollution, Hello Kitty anal love beads, and anime porn.
China and Korea continued to demand a formal apology. During the war, six-legged vaginas with tentacles were created by Japan and given as "gifts" overseas. Tragically, they went berserk and raped at least twenty million people to death. The war is given a somber and objective treatment in Japanese history textbooks. You don't want to read it while you sit on one of those magical Japanese toilets that cleans and flushes itself while butt raping you. The textbook itself will rape you as well.
ジオグラフィー Jiogurafii (Geography)
An island nation, Japan is isolated from its neighbors: Russia, Korea, Hyrule, Ivalice, and Mainland China by the Sea of Japan (also called the Korean Sea by rabid South Korean jingoists, like the 2002 Warcraft 3 champion Kim Jong-il, who persistently derides the console-loving Japanese who "will never understand the true beauty of even Starcraft"). This has caused Japan to form its own unique language, culture, and customs, but only after China became too large to raid every time the ninja were in a bad mood. However, these customs are viewed with disgust and suspicion by its neighbors, as they are freakish and incomprehensible, inspiring both furious masturbation and unspeakable nightmares of porn and forced sex porn.
The physical geography of Japan is characterized by upheavals and depressions. Because so much of the land mass is mountainous, 94% of the population is forced to live on mountaintops so that the limited amount of flat land can be used for cultivating indigenous monsters.
Japan has a high percentage of mountainous terrain, much of which is covered by forests and woodland inhabited by a diverse variety of fauna, divided into three categories: kaibutsu, kaiju and poketto monsuta. Some are featured in videogames while others are a part of everyday life.
Lying on a fault line located on the shell of a huge deceased prehistoric turtle, Japan is vulnerable to natural disasters, including earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis, tornadoes, avalanches and stock market crashes. The current capital city, Takeshi's Castle, has been destroyed and rebuilt by giant robots no less than 3 times. In addition, because Japan is a nation of reprobates, they are subject to a litany of non-geological disasters, such as Crustacean Based Monster Attacks, meteorites, and terrible evening dramas. God also blighted the Japanese populace with reduced height and breast size, as per the Pope's request. Said incident arose when former Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi mistakenly ejaculated all over a statue of the Virgin Mary. (See: Sticky Mary Incident) – Bukkake is a standard practice in Shinto rites.)
““You mean mutant ninjas?””
“No ... you see Oscar ... there was a bomb ... an atom bomb ... it made them mutant ... and now we have ... a crime scene.”
““In fact the whole of Japan is a pure invention. There is no such country, there are no such people.””
The Japanese populace and government are very focused on preserving their natural resources and environment. The effort to reuse and resell panties, in particular, is admirable and is estimated to cut usage of textiles by nearly 45% the G7 nation average (normalized). The prime importance of this initiative is evident from samplings of Japanese media and culture. The Japanese also make use of renewable energy sources such as whale oil, whereas the West uses fossil fuels which take thousands of years to regenerate, and require the invasion of Middle Eastern countries to obtain. Westerners have, in the past, hunted the tastiest species of whales, only to send them to Mars.
フロラ アヌ ファウナ Fulora anu fauna (Flora and fauna)
Japan is filled with magical, mythical creatures that can't be found anywhere else on the world. Such is the case for Pokémons, powerful creatures with superhuman abilities. It is also the case of nekos and kitsunes, animals that are a hybrid of cats/foxes and handsome humans (most of the times girls, although boys may also be found), which have become a symbol of beauty in Japan.
These creatures, however, are always in danger of being raped by the local human population. Because several of these humans are virgin otakus that can't get laid no matter what they try, they end trying to have sex with non-humans instead, as these are easier to catch and rape without being sent to prison. This harsh case of animal cruelty is sadly not fought against as it should be; quite the opposite, is it encouraged and even praised in a large portion of Japan. On top of that, it is either unnoticed or simply ignored by the rest of the world, meaning that no one does something against it.
(´ﾟДﾟ｀)凸 (Fauna Spotlight: Monsters)
The Japanese landscape is also littered with various super-colossal monsters, the result of natural springs that produce potent nuclear waste. Godzilla is the most famous of these creatures, capable of reaching heights up to five hundred feet. However, despite its reputed gentle nature, it has been known to devour tourists who try to feed it. There are also a few million more monsters which were created in Nissan factories. They range in power from 54 to about 1300 brake horsepower (bhp), seeing as those crazy guys at VeilSide make so many crazy things. About a millenia ago, King Kong and Godzilla fought, but ended up making love and a new breed called King Kongru-Gojira of Tokyo Tower within 156 hours. It was very kawaii.
Other monsters include Mozilla, Gamera, kirby, and Mothra, and a wide assortment of other rubbery mutants. As stated above, Japan has been able to make use of these creatures with the exception of Mothra, which has been named an endangered species. Giant monsters are easily recognizable: Not only are they huge, but from a distance they appear to be a trick of the eye, much like an old blue-screen effect.
Among the Japanese schoolchildren, tentacle monsters (ブッシュ大統領) are the most popular. These cuddly, tiny mouse-like creatures are often captured and kept as pets or tapped for their electrical prowess. These tentacle monsters also like to touch Japanese children to sleep.
Ironically the Japanese Government won't invest in Nuclear Energy.
私は日本から来ました。日本では、日本の前首相はチンパンジー、現首相は漢字が読めない阿呆太郎と呼ばれています。 私も日本から来ました。麻生総理は広告税を導入しようとしているのでマスコミに嫌われていて国民はその麻生バッシングを真に受けています。そのため麻生内閣の支持率が17%にまで下落してしまいました。
モンスター バトルズ Monsutaa Batoruzu (Monster Battles)
Many areas in the Archipelago seem to have their own "home monster". This is recorded in the Japanese holy books, the Kojiki and the Monsteru. Examples:
- Honshuu: Godzilla
- Nagano: Orga
- Akihabara: MechaGodzilla
- Hokkaido: Yamata No Orochi
- Okinawa: King Caesar Shisa
- Kyushu: Gamera
- Tokyo 3: 18 giant bio-mechanical robot angles from God
- Tokyo 3: 9 giant bio-mechanical robot angles made by man
- Tokyo 3: Some 14 year old kid who destroys the world while piloting another giant bio-mechanical robot made by man, but this time in order to destroy the human race
- Shikoku: Giant space crabs
- Galveston: Yajuu, the Japanese reincarnation of TangelaKitchenTimer with only one head.
- Shibuya: DesSpidahKikumo, the evil queen of ganguro bikers, along with her greatest rival, Elven Kogal-Flowery Enelda.
- Fresno: Hedorah
- Nerima: Sesshoumaru, Dog-Deity of loli and furries.
- New Mexico: Mengsel
- Shinjuku: Tokyo Metropolitan Government Building, headquarters of the Super Tokyo Metropolitan Bureaucrat Rangers, which transforms into the Super Kaiser Tokyo Metropolitan Government Robot whenever city is under threat.
- Yokohama: Satan Goss
These monsters regularly meet for territorial bouts, fenced in by large "War-Halls" to protect the surrounding property and precious schoolgirls, camera drones, and announcers. Often the color commentary is done in traditional Japanese song, with the monster's name being the only lyric. The most famous song, written by Junichiro Koizumi, reads as follows:
Gozeerah! Go-o-o-o-zeerah!
(repeat)
Usually, at least one bout takes place per week, and a small portion of the revenue is used for a variety of noble causes. The majority of the funds, however, are funneled off to special interests like the Pregnant Schoolgirl Fund, the Sentai Commission, and many positively evil organizations (see: NERV).
There also exists a junior league, mostly consisting of the children of the major-league monsters (Son of Mothra, etc). Each Spring and Summer, they compete in a national tournament called the Koshien. The winner is allowed to travel to America to compete for the world crown against monsters such as Godzilla 2000, xenomorphs, Sigourney Weaver in a huge robot, the Moth-Things that acted in a movie with Mira Sorvino, and the giant subterranean worms that acted in Tremor.
ガバメント Gabamento (Government and politics)
The Japanese government consists of five members in a governing senate. They are dressed in traditional attire, consisting of tights in various colors and a modern helmet with a plastic or metal plate of some sort that covers the face. The record of their history is known as sentai. One of them is designated their leader, and usually clad in red, but this can vary according to rules of succession. In times of crisis and martial law, they take part in defending the country. Only the most elite warriors may be assigned this task. They pilot one large robot each, capable of fusing with others to form Megazord (previously Voltron). The leader's robot is usually more powerful, or larger, but that fact usually does not play a role in battle. Plans are underway to reduce the governing body to three members and rename the robot GekiToja – proposed slogan: "Shine on! Mighty Municipal Guardian 5! We rokuuu!"
This governing system has influenced those of other countries (ex. France Five in France, Power Rangers in U.S.A.).
For the day-to-day fighting of evil, Japan has a police force consisting primarily of an extensive magical girl program.
The legislative branch of the Japanese government is known as the Diet because of its role in selecting foods; these foods are then used to settle civil disputes through elaborate "kitchen battles" (see Iron Chef).
There are also contemporary theories which posit that evil whaling-videogame conglomerate Kona-Mi, oft-criticized for its ruthless draining of the planet's resources and for its overall evil nature, secretly controls all of Japan. See Kona-Mi for more details.
“Citizens, unite! Come to the light – Makkō-Kujira (sperm whale) energy. Power is truth. Kona-Mi is the future. Real happiness can be found in obedience to the company.”
“People, please ignore the last sentence. Kona-Mi, Inc. does not own Japan, and does not spy on you when you are sitting on your toilet. Please go back to your normal lives.
— Love, CEO of Kona-Mi, Inc.”
ナショナル フラグ Nashonaru Furagu (National Flag)
The flag of Japan is called the Hinomaru (ナプキン, Old Sanitary) and represents what an anus might come to resemble if a guy sticks into it one of the sharper rocks on Mount Fuji. The disc in the middle used to be white but that was changed when a Romanian inflatable raft, red in color, invaded the country thinking that Japan was surrendering. Since the wise men of Chelm were in the country trying unsuccessfully to persuade all anime characters to convert to Judaism, they saw this raft, figured that it had something to do with the sun, and since the Japanese worshiped the sun, they suggested that the raft be made part of the flag. The wise men of Chichibu, who were about as wise as those of Chelm, agreed. In spite of this story, some scholars believe the flag represents an obscure candy called the 'dingu-dongru' back in the ye ol' ancient Japanese times.
ロー エンフォースメント & ミリタリー Roo Enfousumento & Miritarii (Law Enforcement & Military)
The Japanese military is called the Japan Self-Defense Forces (JSDF). In the event of war, the JSDF's pledge specifies that they will not attack first but will keep Koreans out of their sea-horse shaped country anyways. The JSDF maintains a high level of combat-readiness by defending Japanese cities against kaiju attacks, mostly with giant crabs which inhabit the many meteorites that fall on Japan per year. Japanese forces are trained to attack the giant crabs' weak points for massive damage. The JSDF currently consists of giant robots called Transformers, magical girls in sexy thongs and wavy wands, ninjas with kick-ass jutsu techniques, supreme martial arts champions, vampires, vampire hunters, cute bioengineered/cryptid animals, Son Goku, and space-faring bounty hunters.
The military of Japan is trained to shoot really small hamsters out of TVs they have protected Japan from its samurai and shogun. The current leader is Satoru Iwata. He is renowned for having lost almost all of Japan's territory to the Diet separatist army. He is now ruler of the Tokyo desert. Typical weapons of the military are Pikachu tanks, Naruto aircraft, BOJ-type cannons and the ballistic missile, "Ikan no I (遺憾の意, Expression of Regrets)".
Apparently the Japanese "Self Defense Army" (自衛隊) in Korean language is the synonym for "group of masturbationers" (自慰隊) Annually around 20,000 officers are submitted to disciplinary actions due to lewdness. At the same time, Ministry of Defense of Japan had no comments and a right-winged dude, a cartoonist self-styled onlooker, made an excuse that the phenomenon was equivalent to taking Copyright for Coffee Light.
Traditional weapons platforms were phased out in the 1950s due to their inadequacy in dealing with building-sized robots, demons, and mutants that threaten Japanese cities, especially Tokyo. Instead, the JSDF employs anthropomorphic giant robots, complete with human-looking faces capable of facial expressions. Bipedalism allows the robots to traverse the rugged mountain terrain in Japan – an ability of questionable usefulness in flat urban environments. The robots are piloted by teens, specifically those in the midst of puberty.
Japan does not have a standing giant robot battalion at the moment. The robots are used as ordinary vehicles until war or a state of emergency is declared. The vehicles will then transform into robots or merge to form gigantic robots. This function is standard on all Japanese cars, superbikes, aircraft, watercraft, and some buildings.
Those without the requisite amount of mental entropy to pilot giant robots are given support roles as magical girls. Boys accepted into this program are given sexual reassignment surgery and rebranded as futanari. Magical girls wear sailor uniforms as a homage to the legacy of the navy. They are imbued with special powers that include brief nudity while transforming into a more powerful being. Easily demoralized due to their age and the fear of looking fat, they are supported by an adorable but fear-inspiring animal companion.
Characterized by their marketability and horrifying cuteness, these small animals form the moral backbone of the JSDF. They take part in all levels of combat and support, including propaganda and diplomacy (e.g., Hello Kitty as the Japanese ambassador to China). But quite a few high-ranking animals have been accused of misconduct in recent years, most notably Mashimaro for alcoholism.
Vampires have the highest potential combat-effectiveness of all units, due to superhuman intelligence, speed, and strength; they are also invulnerable to conventional weaponry and can manipulate enemies' thoughts. Their mortal enemies are vampire hunters, who are often half-vampire also. The JSDF solves this problem by telling vampire hunters that they are actually vampires.
The anti-smoking ninjas are one of the prominent militant groups in Japan. While not allowed to kill by the code of Bushido (オウム真理教), they are authorized to accost smokers and issue smoking tickets. The default penalty for smoking in an anti-smoking ninja zone is removal of a finger, but the penalty can be commuted to a full day of unpaid labour as a hosuto.
The JSDF reportedly tried to develop a J-Pop-powered orbital directed-sound weapon, designed to play annoying songs at enemies until they surrender. The idea failed because scientists realized that people would rather kill themselves.
Lately, war broke out between Japan and the Antarctic Alliance. Japan claimed a scientific right to kill a quota of X,XXX whales in Antarctic waters. The Emperor of the penguins refused Japan's demand because killing whales in the Antarctic would lead to the collapse of the region's whale bukkake porn industry. The Japanese nuked a lolpenguin city and let PETA loose in Antarctica, wiping out many land birds, dromaeosauridae, and EBEs. The penguins responded by invading Japan, which allied itself with Greenland and Iceland. The Greenlanders scoffed, saying, "We don't even have a fucking army, how are you going to defeat us?" Then they learned penguins eat people, to which Greenland's queen said, "That is just stupid." Both Greenland and Iceland immediately surrendered. The penguins promised not to bother invading Greenland or Iceland.
At the Battle of Osaka Bay, the penguins along with their Hungarian, Bolivian and Kryptonian allies claimed victory by dressing up as Pokemon, which had a zombifying effect on the Japanese troops, following which they blew the little suckers to bits and ate them. Shocking, but not as titillating, was the Pentagon's recently announced procurement of ~13,000,000 gallons of white paint and ~2,500,000 snow uniforms.
デモグラフィク Demogurafikku (Demographics)
Japan is an island country with a large male population composed almost entirely of ninjas. It is ranked as the most lecherous country in the world, where most housewives, schoolgirls, or office ladies are daily raped by old men (retired former pedophilac-ninjas) or fifty foot tentacles. In general, Japan lacks many natural resources other than perverted old men. The average height in men in Japan is 2'4", but sometimes, in the case of the sumoru wrestlersu, this can reach the impressive height of 2'8". These "Giantos" as they are known in Japan, are revered as gods among the population, and are showered with gifts on special days. They were also the inspiration for Godzilla, a movie which became a smash hit in most countries outside of Japan. But the Japanese themselves found it extremely patronizing, as they felt it portrayed their sumo wrestlers as savage beasts. The Japanese are also known for not dying when they are killed. Alternatively, the Japanese are born dead, and as such, they must prove their worth to be able to live.
Rape-ninjas in Japan are bound by honor to ravish no less than 20 unfortunate females a day. (Tip: Refrain from trying to stop groping on trains, as this is generally enjoyed equally by the ninja groper and the female gropee.) Market research shows that photo-taking and video-recording devices are intensely popular with Japanese men. It is a popular stereotype among people from other countries, that most Japanese are taciturn or soulless; some doctors say that this may be due to an "abnormal ardor of blood-flow to erogenous zones" that occurs specifically among Japanese people. Japan has one of the highest rates of priapism in the world. It is seen by rape-ninjas as a commonly occurring occupational hazard. Treatment for priapism in Japan is similar to the treatment for nicotine addiction. Doctors normally prescribe softcore pornography. Few doctors, however, prescribe pulsating cobra hearts for priapism treatment. It is common to see decapitated Mongolians for sale in hospitals.
The remaining population is equally divided between lolita schoolgirls, J-popu singers, roninu samurai, pokemonu, kitsune, Erubisu impersonators, and Gundam pilots. There are more, such as the true native Japanese tribes, the ignored poor commoners back in the good ol' ancient Kamikaze-Japanru days, and decedents of many Koreans, few Chinese, and Taiwanese forcefully pulled out from their own countries long, long ago back in so many eons ago but no one gives a crap about them anyhow because the world is all just too darn ignorant. All Japanese people are capable of going Super Saiyan (just Levels 1 and 2) and destroying everything in a one-kan (68,000 km) radius. Most kids aged 14–22 look nearly the same; the only thing separating them is school uniforms and out-of-this-world haircuts (e.g., goopy wax and various toilet cleaning products). All girls have tremendously nice figures and pride themselves in nothing more than providing gratuitous pantyshots at all times of day regardless of the situation. All boys have the effect of chick magnets and usually have at least 4 girls fighting over him (although a boy often looks like a girl and acts like one as well). The most common hobby of all kids in Japan is to drive around in ~150 feet-tall mecha with ULTIMA-BUSTER CHO-MEGA PARTICLE CANNONS and fight whatever POP-UP-OUT-OF-NOWHERE-BADDIES-ALIENS-WTF-CRAP happens to be lurking around. To pacify the children of Japan, the US government demanded after the war that they spend the greater portion of their waking life watching anime to quell their rage and enter a state of eternal bliss (see: Pikachu seizure). The Japanese are hardy folk, having developed special powers against the various monsters that plague the region.
Many people have noticed that Japanese people will often talk to each other without making a sound, but then the sounds suddenly appear when they stop talking. Do not be afraid, this is perfectly normal and Japanese.
For some reason, the Japanese always come up with new ways to do useless things. Since they are perfectionists, you will often find them trying to find and document the myriad ways of doing mundane tasks. The lost art of erebe-ta-do (エレベーター道), otherwise known as the art of pushing elevator buttons, is one such pursuit. The complex art and finesse of pushing elevator buttons takes many years to master. A 10th Dan elevator black-belt can push the buttons in such a way that can make the elevator do more than it was intended to, such as produce lemon and grape snowcones during summer.
Another art in common use today is the Japanese business management art of kakunin-do (確認道、あるいは過労死), or the art of checking things. Due to Japan's economic success, kakunin-do was studied by the management of many Western companies and implemented for a while until Western managers started dying from the utter monotony.
A typical artisan of kakunin-do studies the five eternal principles of the way of kakunin. These are: Over-checking, Distrust, Dodging responsibility, Indecisiveness, and Postponement. A true master of kakunin-do will politely inundate his subordinates with requests for checking, and other seemingly benign comments, until nothing ever gets done. This results in the celeryman underlings having to work long hours of unpaid overtime with no progress on the business project ever being made. Most celerymen do not survive, and instead turn into undead zombies capable of no more than obeying an instinctive lust for seijin manga. Japanese businesses openly acknowledge that they profit from robot and zombie labor.
エコノミー Ekonomii (Economy
サイエンス & テクノロジー Saiensu and tekunorojii (Science and technology)
Japan invented the wagon early in its history. Oh yes, they did in very brilliant fashion. But since ninjas preferred to run or fly(although a ninja named Thomas was to fat to run or fly), the wheel was quickly forgotten until gaijin brought rubber tires that burned on the asphalt and vaginas to Japan in the 19th century.
The 13th century is famous for the Human Bullet Train[2] and the jet-powered bottleship[3]
The history of modern Japan dates from the invention of the flush toilet. The inventor, Chisai Shittaki-Sutupedfuuker Surippa-san, was awarded the Deming Prize and is a folk hero in Japan. He is the patron saint of electronic products and large feet.
To this day it is nearly impossible for people in Japan to own a real pet. Most dogs, cats and other small creatures are no match for packs of feral ninja that lurk in wait of something. Reports have been made of robodogs being killed by ninja in Yomomma district.
Japanese R&D focuses on the high-tech multi-function sitting toilet. Nobody except the Swiss have any idea why they enjoy making toilets like Swiss-army knives, but they do. Japanese toilets are so versatile that new apartment units now consist of only a lavatory. Most coffin hotels replaced older coffins with the toilet cube, a high-tech toilet inside a cube of vitreous china. It has ~1/3 the footprint of coffins. It replaced cubicle farms in Japanese office buildings.
On a related matter, there are rumors of demon toilets that take over people's minds.
カルチャー Karuchaa (Culture and recreation)
Japan has a fully modern infrastructure but many cultural traditions remain as a crunchy layer under the creamy Western frosting.
Kyoto is the cultural capital of Japan. Previous ones were overrun by oversized deer named Godzilla #2, most notably Heijo-kyo (modern-day Nara).
The abundance of deer is due to the Shinto teaching that all things in Nature contain a spirit, or "anima", and cannot be killed, except cetaceans, foreigners, and fugu.
Osaka is an ancient underwater city and the birthplace of Ikebana, the Japanese art of flower arrangement. Ikebana can cure insomnia.
The National Diet of Japan is based on European parliaments with some Japanese quirks. Under the constitution at least one session of the Diet must be convened each year. The Emperor opens every session of the Diet by reciting a poem outlining the government's plans for the upcoming year. Traditionally, at the closing of the session, delegates have tea and makkoukujira while the Emperor has tea and shironagasukujira.
A common misconception is that haiku poetry originated in Japan. Buddhist monks brought haiku to Japan from China, together with dodoitsu, nokkunokku joku, kuikomi, shichueshonkomedei, pinpondasshu, and waki no shitano he.
2chという巨大掲示板には、1日当たり2000万件ものアクセスがある。日本国民は2chが大好きである。 一日中、パソコンに張り付いて2ch（おもにニュー速VIP）ばかり見ている輩もいるほどである。 そして2chユーザーの努力により毎日新聞の嘘(the lie told by Mainichi)が暴かれた。
プロパー グリーティング Puropaa Guriitingu (Proper Greeting)
The Japanese are proud people who are easily insulted and are dishonored by shameful events. Therefore, proper steps must be taken to greet a Japanese citizen/leader/pervert. A quick bow of the head and a "Konichiwa, Baka-San!" (Good afternoon idiot!) is compulsory.
The proper way to say goodbye is a heartfelt "Hanakuso tsuiteru yo!"
"You are welcome!" is said, "Shinde kudasai!"
For more useful tips, please see this.
The Japanese have quite a lot of different letters with different meanings. Here is an example on a few Japanese characters:
確 – true/drone/bird
道 – road/pirate/dish
死 – die/horrible/shit
足 – leg/nose/plate/orange
ジャパニーズ テレビ Japaniizu Terebi (Japanese TV)
The typical Japanese television show features people eating. People are eating and people are eating, and sometimes people are eating. These are interspersed with the occasional brain-spasm-inspired game show, which are much more interesting than watching people eat, so let's see a clip from one of those. HU.MAN...TET.LIS. Its Fun Happy Happy. Hayo ahso!
ヴォヤーリズム Voyaarizumu (Voyeurism)
The favorite Japanese pastime is to watch others without being seen. Often this involves an unwitting party engaging in sexual activity or visiting the toilet. The government allowed this in 1965, following the example of Thailand (a.k.a. "Hooker Central for Crusty Old Rich Guys").
Initially, voyeurs had to hide in closets, often being spotted and chased away. With the advent of the camera, needless chases and killings could stop. There was a week of celebration. Voyeurism in Japan entered a golden age shortly thereafter.
Japan is well-known in the West as having a completely different way of doing things. Notable differences include:
- Japanese remove their shoes when they exit a house. This minimizes wear-and-tear and keeps shoes from being covered in dog-poo like Americans.
- The Japanese integrate a cooling mechanism into toilet seats. This keeps buttocks from overheating during summer.
- To reduce hospital crowding, the government recently abolished the tradition of bowing as people frequently bang their heads in crowded places – instead, people now roll their eyes. Due to strong attachment to tradition, headbanging still happens sometimes.
- Japanese 24-hour stores are all-pervasive and far more convenient than their Western counterparts, in that they have toilets, fax machines, photocopiers, kettles, washing machines, stationery, and cookers for public use. One can pay bills, get a haircut and manicure, or get a massage. In addition, most of these stores are mounted on a twin-legged chassis to give added convenience to customers after midnight.
- There are 24-hour PokeCenters in most cities for Japanese people to recharge their pokemon so as to be ready to "catch em' all" in the next day's work.
- The former Japanese PM, Junichiro Koizumi, closely resembles Richard Gere.
- Japanese women believe all Western men are "cool" – including "giksu" and "niggazu".
- In 1650, Japan inexplicably disappeared from the face of the Earth for 200 years. Many theories were offered, including alien abduction, or that it had become submerged. In 1850, an American expedition stumbled upon Japan in a forest in Northern Alaska. Apparently, it had swum across the Pacific Ocean but forgotten how to get back. Chinese haulers moved Japan back to its rightful place. The debt was settled after Japan met China's request to be invaded in 1931.
- The age of consent in Japan is 20 years. Many Japanese believe this is far too high and should be lowered.
- The age of retirement in Japan is 80. Due to their love of work and little else (console-gaming is considered a form of work by Japanese), many Japanese believe this is far too low and should be raised.
- Sex is considered the most vital part of life. It is very sacred to the Japanese and was made as fun packed, family oriented porn movies to watch as home enjoyably with future adult children in 153 BCE.
ファン ボーイズ Fan Bouizu (Fanboys)
Japan, according to the CIA World Factbook, draws more fanboys than any other nation. Citizens of other nations, in large numbers, are known to wish they were Japanese. This leads to "odd" behavior, such as taking part in cosplay [1]; watching hentai [2] documentaries; or taking distance learning degrees from the University of Hikikomori.
[1] Cosplay is an elaborate game whereby one dresses up as a character from Japanese anime and mimics the behavior of a completely different character.
[2] Documentary where the lens slowly pans over scenery while the narrator discusses his personal life instead of the scenery. Hence "hentai" – "talk cock".
ボーイズ ラブ or びーえる Bouizu Rabu or BL (abbreviated for Boy's Love)
This is a secret movement in Japan to convert all males (including humans, mammals, amphibians and reptiles) into homosexuals. To achieve their goal, they spread their campaign products called "Boyz Laavu". Boyz Laavu is produced in various formats, including movies, anime, games, manga, and novels. However, all of these products talk about the love between two MALES. (Sometimes three or more males.) This movement is relatively not known to gay communities, so most members of the movement are evil Japanese females. In Boyz Laavu all males (including Pikachu, Super Mario, Batman, Junichiro Koizumi, Adolph Hitler and you) are homosexuals. Boyz Laavu is also called as Yaoi in Japan.
フード Fuudo (Food)
The Japanese diet consists mainly of bio-luminescent squid, lice (pronounced "rice" but actually lice), Green Tea Kit-Kats, and beer (pronounced "beeru" 小便). The morning meal is normally rice, followed by more rice with a side of rice. Lunch (pronounced "runchi" ゲロ) is typically ramen (pronounced "cuppanudoru") or rice sandwiches with a side of pickled mice babies. Dinner (pronounced "supah-nite-eat-taimu" 肛門) could be anything from sake, to jakku danierusu, to omelets. Omelets are strictly for dinner in Japan, because Fed-Ex deliveries from American breakfast exporters do not arrive until 6PM. When the main portion of dinner does not satiate the appetite one will fill up on whale. When there is no whale left, the custom is to go to the sea to spear some more whale.
The Japanese have taken to Western food in an odd way, modifying even the simplest of dishes to be compatible with their unique Japanese physiology (raw, noxious, salty, and "small") and creating Frankenstein creations that are fed to TV personalities at night to orgasmic moans of "Oishii!" ("It feels like 16 prawns shat in my mouth and are mud wrestling in it!"). As a result of the diet, Japanese people tend to have a curious body odor. (Deodorant is banned in Japan, as it is considered a form of non-conformity.) Introduced in the late 1940s, ice cream – pronounced "sofuto kureemu" (the word for ice was banned in Japan's Edo Era, as it sounds like the verb for "love" and using phrases of affection in public is deemed disgraceful){{SP}– became an instant hit with all generations of Japanese, and by the early '50s frozen unagi (pronounced "eel" 蛇) popsicles became a mainstay of the delicatessen market. However, in recent years its popularity has been eclipsed by whale ice cream. Japanese dessert is called "bukkake" (ぶっかけ). This dessert is made out of liquified milk that is embedded inside a banana. The customary way to eat a bukkake is to rub the banana steadily and vigorously to increase its internal temperature. The milk will ooze out of the banana and squirt directly into a person's mouth.
Japanese seafood prices work on an inverted price principle whereby the more foul, disgusting, slimy, or poisonous it is the more it costs. Savvy Japanese fishermen and their agents are constantly on the lookout all over the world for newly discovered marine monstrosities to rush into Tokyo fish markets. Mega-rich Japanese consumers regularly flock to fugu (poisonous seakitten 海猫) restaurants where, after paying exorbitant amounts of yen, they consume less-toxic portions of the seakitten which probably will not kill – unless the chef has a hangover, just broke up with his girlfriend, or is pissed off at the world that day. Fugu is part of the extreme eating movement and is one of many options available to the suicidal Japanese businessman/student. Many experts believe that eating such fare allows the Japanese to avoid farting and gives them an edge in competitive eating contests (see Kobayashi). However, it is not yet apparent whether eating such vile forms of "food" is performance-enhancing, or merely exceedingly foolish (see: lactose intolerance).
Historians consider Japanese cuisine an essential part of Japan's warlike past in that samurai warriors, coming home from a hard day of disemboweling peasants and giving themselves silly haircuts with a katana, would take a good look at the so-called "food" on the table and immediately go to war against the nearest enemy lord in the hope that they might have something better to eat. These raiding parties would lead them to Korea, until the development there of Kimchi, an area-denial weapon.
Rather than eating their meals with a knife and fork, Japanese typically use blackboard chalk (lit. "chopped sticks") to manipulate their food until it is evenly spread across the plate, after which it is poured into the mouth. The traditional Japanese tea ceremony (Guzzo Dat Shitto Niggazu) consists of two people taking turns refusing to drink a cup of hot water until it has evaporated. Such traditions give rise to the slender Japanese physique, as evidenced by the ubiquitousness of the Japanese celeryman. The Japanese obsession with pachyderm laxatives has had a serious effect on their stature and growth rate. Those individuals unfortunate enough to become overweight are forced to fight each other on national television wearing only diapers.
If you ask for sugar for your green tea in Japan, you will wake up with your ass hurting and your head crushed in, while the offended person will call upon the weather gods to rain corrosive sushi upon the "ignorant foreign devils." Unfortunately, tourists often ask this question, so this is normal weather in Japan.
In Japan it is polite to say "it's a fucky mess" when served a meal. After eating it is customary to wish everyone in the restaurant, in a loud voice, "goat chiizu on slimy desukutoppu".
フォービッデンフード Foubidden Fuudo (Forbidden Food)
Whale penis: the Japanese government imposed a partial ban on the sale of whale penises. Whale penis is reserved for seriously ill medical patients who need the treatment desperately. People caught buying/selling "weiyo kokku" at fish markets are normally given a warning by Greenpeace "whitehat" squads (正義の味方). Upon refusal to abandon it is confiscated, screened, and sent to fast food restaurants to be made into "fried whale penis". Some Japanese public schools do offer fried whale penis on the lunch menu, using whale penises discarded by hospitals. Since the meat is less fresh, the taste is considered inferior to that of whale penises sold in fast food restaurants. Anywise, the Japanese people love their penises. And vaginas.
Dolphin: Though protected by international treaty, Greenpeace, Hayden Panettiere, and animal lovers worldwide, somehow this salty and smelly sea creature finds its way onto dinner tables, usually in the form of black market whale meat. Ironically, such counterfeit whale meat is often fraudulently labeled "dolphin-safe".
Metroids: The inspiration for the smash-hit video game Metroid, these lovable woodland creatures are known to frolic on the upper slopes of Mt. Fuji. Although metroid-hunting is condemned by international law, many still find their way onto the Japanese dinner table, as a key ingredient of nigiri and in ometoroido-yaki stew. Prices on the open market remain high as a result of the ban on private metroid-hunting and the difficulty of the hunt itself. While many find that cracking the protective outer shell and shooting the metroid's cerebral cortex with particle guns is trivial, strict gun control makes such equipment difficult to obtain.
リリジョン Ririjon (Religion)
The official religion of Japan is the Church of Otakuism. The religion was created by the Monks of Naruto based in the solitary location of Los Angeles, California. The Church of Otakuism is currently the fastest growing religion in the world. They claim that Anime are the reason for everything good in the world and that pansy western cartoons like The Simpsons and Family Guy are the cause for everything bad in the world (like Muslims). The Otakuist holy book is called Dragon Ball Z. They believe that the only thing that can stand in the way of the mighty path of Anime is the evil Disney. In the book of the Super Sayians it says that in the end the armies of Disney and the almighty Anime will face off which will lead to the ultimate destruction of Western civilization. Then the Earth will become the perfect world it was meant to be.
Other common religions in Japan are Shintoism, Buddhism, and the so-called non-religious. Those who claim to be non-religious, however, in fact believe most of the existing religions in the world, and go to shrine in January 1st, celebrate Valentine's Day, Halloween, Christmas, and Buddha's birthday, and also worship Confucius and his family morals. Of course, while playing Pokémon GO the symbol of Otakuism and/or Globalism, and singing SUKIYAKI (or ja:上を向いて歩こう), expressing nationalism.
シー・オールソー Shii oorusoo (See also)
- Bukkake
- Desu
- Yaoi
- Tokyo'sRevenge
- Miniaturization
- Things That Are Bigger in Japan
- Eunuch
- Japanese Stomping Fish
- Attack of the Japanese Monsters
- Pacific War
- Japan-France
フットノート Futtonooto (Footnotes)
- ↑ Japanese translation of this page available. Japanese is here, English is here. WONDERFUL FUN! BIG CRUNCH TIME? SUPER ELBOWS!
- ↑ It fires people out of a cannon into a giant haystack.
- ↑ Floating glass bottle. The mouth is jet powered by mutant-cow dung.
イクスターナルリンク Ikusutaanaru Rinku (External links)
- Captain Japan's Sake-drenched Postcards
- Japan News, by Taro
- Learn Engrish
- Kawaii AV
- Tokyo Heat
- Learn Japanese
- 2ch
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