How to Be a Kind Person

Co-authored by Christy Irvine, PhD

Last Updated: April 19, 2024 Approved

Being a kind person isn't always easy. Sometimes it takes some real effort to be able to treat others with the kindness you would hope to receive, but through practice you can change your perception and start seeing kindness as more worth the effort. Making kindness habitual will take some practice, but all it takes is one small gesture to get started. As Plato said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

Method 1

Method 1 of 3:

Making Kindness a Habit

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1
Act with good intentions. Research has shown that acting with good intentions can improve your mindset and help you to enjoy your own acts of kindness. Being aware of your good intentions can also make your act of kindness more meaningful to the recipient.^{[1]
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Christy Irvine, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.}
- Decide to do something nice for someone before you do it. Acting with intent will help you to enjoy acting in a kind manner.
- Enjoying being kind serves as a form of positive reinforcement, encouraging you to be kind more often in order to continue enjoying the feeling.
2
Try to see things from the perspective of others. Being kind becomes easier when you empathize with the experiences of others. Try to imagine yourself in the shoes of those around you and think of how your actions might affect them. Do things that you wish others would do for you, if you were in their shoes.^{[2]
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Christy Irvine, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.}
- Picturing yourself in other people's shoes can making being kind seem less like something that requires effort and more like it's simply the right thing to do.
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3
Take a timeout when you feel yourself getting angry. Being kind is much easier when things are going well, but when the going gets tough people often forget to consider the feelings of others. When you feel yourself getting angry or frustrated, take a timeout and try to calm yourself down.^{[3]
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Christy Irvine, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.}
- Controlling your temper is one of the most important elements of kindness.
- Try counting to ten and taking long, deep breaths when you're angry. Think about your words and actions, and how they may affect those around you, when you're angry.
- Reader Poll: We asked 661 wikiHow readers, and 50% of them admitted that they typically respond to negative emotions by lashing out at others. [Take Poll] Instead, try journaling or taking deep breaths to calm yourself.
4
Take responsibility for your actions. When you distance yourself from your actions by justifying them as vengeance or deserved, you allow yourself to be unkind for selfish reasons. Instead of telling yourself that the way you act towards others is deserved with it's negative, take responsibility for the way you treat others.
- Don't convince yourself that negative things you do or say are acceptable because you feel slighted.
- You can't control the actions of others, but you can control how you react to them. Being kind is a choice.

Method 2

Method 2 of 3:

Practicing Compassion

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1
Understand the benefits of compassion practice. Studies have shown that you can train yourself to feel compassion for those around you through practice. Compassion practice is a kind of training that will help you better empathize with the people in your life, making kindness an easier endeavor.^{[4]
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- Compassion practice is made up of mental exercises that you should try to do on a daily basis.
- Studies have shown that compassion practice can reduce the hormones in your brain associated with stress.
2
Imagine a loved one in trouble. Spend a few minutes of your day imagining someone you care about needing help. Focus on the way they would feel and try to envision their stresses and concerns. Create a complex scenario in your mind and imagine their difficulties in as much detail as you can.^{[5]
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- This exercise will help you to appreciate the difficulties the people you love go through. Developing an understanding of your loved one's struggles will help you develop empathy toward others.
- You can also use this exercise to help you develop more compassion towards yourself. For example, after thinking about how you would treat a friend who was suffering or struggling with something, consider how you treat yourself when you are suffering or struggling. Are you kind to yourself? Do you show yourself compassion? Or do you refuse to acknowledge when you are struggling or suffering? If you treat yourself harshly, then consider the reasons why. What might change if you were kind to yourself?^{[6]
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3
Focus on what you have in common with others. Take some time out of your day to focus on the things you have in common with the people around you.^{[7]
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Christy Irvine, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Interview. 9 April 2021.} Think of the emotions they are experiencing or have experienced and add the phrase, “just like me” to the end of each. Try saying some of the following statements to yourself throughout your day:^{[8]
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- “This person just wants to be happy… just like me.”
- “This person is trying to avoid suffering in his or her life… just like me.”
- “This person has been down, sad and depressed at times… just like me.”
4
Think about what kindness could do for people. Establishing empathy for others and finding what you have in common are just the beginning. Now, as you imagine the suffering of people that you know are ultimately a lot like you, think about what it would mean to you if someone were to go out of their way to be kind to you in the same position.^{[9]
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- Think about how much it would mean just to know someone was hoping things would get better for you.
- Focus on that joy you can imagine others experiencing. That feeling is the basis of compassion.
5
Put it to practice. Use the progress you've made in the previous steps to put your training to good use. Try to find a small gesture you can make for another person each day. It doesn't need to be anything significant, it just needs to be intentionally kind. Start by sharing a smile or a kind word, and over time you will develop a habit of not only empathizing, but also acting on that empathy.^{[10]
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- Start with small gestures, but from time to time take an opportunity to go out of your way for others.
- Think about the way your kind gestures made people feel and reflect on the way your kindness affects others.

Method 3

Method 3 of 3:

Exercising Kindness in Your Daily Life

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Be courteous and polite. Kindness does not have to be a grand gesture. Often, you can demonstrate kindness for others simply by being conscious of those around you and treating others with respect. Do small things like opening doors for others or greeting people with a smile. By being kind to others through random acts of kindness, you will be making other people feel good and you may also feel happier yourself.^{[11]
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Greater Good Magazine
Journal published by UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living

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- Small gestures can mean a great deal to a person that's having a difficult day. Change the toner in the photocopier because you coworker hates doing it, pay for a friend's coffee or tell a loved one that they're important to you today.
- Kindness isn't about grand gestures as much as it's about thinking of others. Demonstrate your concern for others by treating them with respect.
2
Reach out to friends who seem down. It can be easy to be so focused on what you're doing that you don't notice when friends seem sad or even depressed. Make a conscious effort to reach out to friends who don't seem happy and let them know that you care.^{[12]
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- Send an e-mail, message or text to a friend that seems down and ask how they're doing. Let them know that you're there if they need you.
- Volunteering is another great way to help yourself while helping others. Consider volunteering for a non-profit organization to help people (or animals) who are in need of help. For example, you could volunteer for a soup kitchen, become a dog walker for a local animal shelter, or donate your time and talents to a homeless shelter.
3
Show gratitude. When other people do something nice for you, or show you kindness, return the favor by expressing your gratitude. Saying thank you may not seem like it's a big deal, but a sincere “thanks” can make someone's effort feel well worth it. Saying thank you can also improve your relationships and improve your own well-being.^{[13]
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Harvard Medical School
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- Think about how much you appreciate being thanked when you go out of your way for someone.
- When someone does something nice for you, it means they were thinking about you and cared enough to put forth the effort. Reciprocate that effort by making sure to show your appreciation.
4
Donate to charity. Kindness can extend to people you've never met. Donating your time or money to a good cause is an excellent way to share kindness with the world and it will likely leave you feeling fulfilled when you're done.^{[14]
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- Clean out your closet and donate old clothes to charity.
- Give a few dollars to a charitable cause that you believe in.
- Raise money for a cause.
5
Be kind anonymously. A kind act from a stranger can often have a more significant impact on your day than kindness from close friends and family. Spread kindness in the world by doing something nice for someone you don't know without looking for recognition.^{[15]
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- Pay for the coffee of the person behind you at a drive through. This kind gesture can set off a chain reaction of kindness that can permeate throughout the day and a part of the community.
- Throw a quarter in someone's parking meter to prevent them from getting a parking ticket.

Expert Q&A

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Question

How do you become a genuinely kind person?

Christy Irvine, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Christy Irvine is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the owner of her private practice out of Portland, Oregon. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in individual and couples therapy using various techniques including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Interpersonal-Process Therapy, and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). Dr. Irvine holds a B.A. in Psychology from Whitman College and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Connecticut.

Christy Irvine, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

It's all about developing empathy. Learning to put yourself in someone else's shoes is essential if you're going to become authentically kind.

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Question

How can I foster empathy if I have a hard time thinking abstractly?

Christy Irvine, PhD
Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Christy Irvine is a Licensed Clinical Psychologist and the owner of her private practice out of Portland, Oregon. With over 10 years of experience, she specializes in individual and couples therapy using various techniques including Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Interpersonal-Process Therapy, and Cognitive Processing Therapy (CPT). Dr. Irvine holds a B.A. in Psychology from Whitman College and a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology from The University of Connecticut.

Christy Irvine, PhD

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

Expert Answer

I'd recommend hanging out with people who are different from you. Expanding your horizons and interacting with a lot of different people will make it a lot easier to process what other people are going through.

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