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Twelfth Doctor

fictional character from Doctor Who
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This page is a collection of quotations from the twelfth official incarnation of the Doctor from the BBC science fiction television programme Doctor Who, portrayed by Scottish actor Peter Capaldi.

Doctor Who — Incarnations of The Doctor : 1st - 2nd - 3rd - 4th - 5th - 6th - 7th - 8th - War - 9th - 10th - 11th - 12th - 13th - 14th - 15th
I am not a good man! And I'm not a bad man. I am not a hero, and I'm definitely not a president — and, no, I'm not an officer! You know what I am? I… Am… an idiot! With a box and a screwdriver, passing through, helping out, learning.

Recurring phrases

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"Pudding brain"
In "Deep Breath" (x2)
In "Robot of Sherwood"
In "Flatline" (x3)
In "Face the Raven" (said by Rigsy)
"Shut up!"
In "Deep Breath"
In "Listen"
In "Time Heist" (x4)
In "The Caretaker"
In "Dark Water"
In "Death in Heaven"
In "Last Christmas"
In "Face the Raven"
In "The Return of Doctor Mysterio"
In "The Pilot"
In "World Enough and Time"

2013 specials

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Kidneys! I've got new kidneys! I don't like the colour.

The Day of the Doctor

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(23 November 2013)
The General: I didn't know when I was well off. All twelve of them!
Androgar: No, sir. [Another TARDIS flies into view] All thirteen! [The Twelfth Doctor's hand and eyes appear.]

The Time of the Doctor

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(25 December 2013)
[The Doctor has regenerated]
The Doctor: Kidneys! I've got new kidneys! I don't like the colour.
Clara: Of your kidneys? [The TARDIS starts shaking] What's happening?!
The Doctor: We're probably crashing. Oh!
Clara: Into what?!
The Doctor: [pressing buttons] Stay calm! Just one question… Do you happen to know how to fly this thing?

Series 8

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Deep Breath [8.1]

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(23 August 2014)
The Doctor: [to Strax] Come on, Clara, you know that I speak Dinosaur.
Clara: He's not Clara. I'm Clara!
The Doctor: Well, you're very similar heights. Maybe you should wear labels.
The Doctor: Who invented this room?!
Clara: Doctor, please, you have to lie down.
The Doctor: It doesn't make sense. Look, it's only got a bed in it. Why is there only a bed in it?
Clara: Because it's a bedroom. It's for sleeping in.
The Doctor: Okay, what do you do when you're awake?
Jenny: You leave the room.
The Doctor: So you've got a whole room for not being awake in? But what's the point? You're just missing the room.
Barney: I don't like it.
The Doctor: What?
Barney: Your face!
The Doctor: Well, I don't like it either! It's all right up to the eyebrows, then it just goes haywire! Look at the eyebrows. These are attack eyebrows. You can take bottle tops off with these!
Barney: They are mighty eyebrows, indeed, sir.
The Doctor: They're cross! They're crosser than the rest of my face. They're independently cross! They probably want to cede from the rest of my face and set up their own independent state of eyebrows! Oh, that's Scots… I am Scottish. Haven't I? I've gone Scottish?
Barney: Yes, you are. You are definitely Scots, sir. I… I hear it in your voice.
The Doctor: Oh, no, that's good. [he practices the 'oh' sound] It's good I'm Scottish. I'm Scottish. I am Scottish. I can complain about things, I can really complain about things.
Clara: *coughs*
The Doctor: What's wrong?
Clara: I don't know. Maybe the smell?
The Doctor: I know. It's everywhere.
Clara: Where did you get that coat?
The Doctor: Er, ahem, I bought it.
Clara: From where?
The Doctor: Er, a shop
Clara: No.
The Doctor: Might have been a tramp.
Clara: You don't have any money.
The Doctor: Er, I had a watch.
Clara: No. That watch was beautiful.
The Doctor: [Wistfully] It was my favourite.
Clara: You swapped your favourite watch for that coat. That's maybe not a good deal.
The Doctor: Well, I was in a hurry. There was a terrible smell.
The Doctor: This is your power source. And feeble though it is, I can use it to blow this whole room if I see one thing that I don't like. And that includes karaoke and mimes, so take no chances.
The Doctor: I'm the Doctor. I've lived for over two thousand years, and not all of them were good. I've made many mistakes, and it's about time I did something about that. Clara, I'm not your boyfriend.
Clara: I never thought you were.
The Doctor: I never said it was your mistake.
The Doctor: [to Clara] You can't see me, can you? You… you look at me and you can't see me. Do you have any idea what that's like? I'm not on the phone, I'm right here. Standing in front of you. Please, just… Just see me.

Into the Dalek [8.2]

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(30 August 2014)
 
You asked me if you were a good man. And the answer is, I don't know. But I think you try to be. And I think that's probably the point.
The Doctor: Wow, a molecular nano-scaler!
Journey: You know what it does, then?
The Doctor: It miniaturises living matter. What's the medical application, though? Do you shrink the surgeons so they can climb inside the patients?
Morgan: Exactly.
The Doctor: Fantastic idea for a movie. Terrible idea for a proctologist.
The Doctor: This is Clara. Not my assistant. She's… er… some other word.
Clara: I'm his carer.
The Doctor: Yeah, my carer. She cares so I don't have to.
Journey: Okay, listen up. Now, do not hold your breath when the nanoscaler engages. You’ll feel like you want to, but you must keep breathing normally during the miniaturisation process.
Clara: Why?
The Doctor: Ever microwave a lasagna without breaking the film on top?
Clara: It explodes.
The Doctor: Don't be lasagna.
"Rusty" the Dalek: Victory is yours. But it does not please you.
The Doctor: You looked inside me, and you saw hatred. That's not victory. Victory would've been a good Dalek.
"Rusty" the Dalek: I am not a good Dalek. You are a good Dalek.
Clara: [to the Doctor] You asked me if you were a good man. And the answer is, I don't know. But I think you try to be. And I think that's probably the point.

Robot of Sherwood [8.3]

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(6 September 2014)
The Doctor: Old-fashioned heroes only exist in old-fashioned storybooks, Clara.
Clara: What about you?
The Doctor: Me?
Clara: Yeah. You. You stop bad things happening every minute of every day. That sounds pretty heroic to me.
The Doctor: [modestly] Just passing the time.
The Doctor: You're not serious.
Robin: [amused] I'm many things, sir, but I'm never that. Robin Hood laughs in the face of all. Ha ha ha!
The Doctor: And do people ever punch you in the face when you do that?
Robin: Not as yet.
The Doctor: Lucky I'm here, then, isn't it?
The Doctor: Listen to me. It doesn't have to end like this. Shut it all down, return Clara to me and I'll do what I can.
Sheriff of Nottingham: I don't have Clara.
The Doctor: Robin's one of yours.
Sheriff of Nottingham: What did you say?
The Doctor: He's one of your tin-headed puppets, just like these brutes here.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Robin Hood is not one of mine.
The Doctor: Of course he is. He's a robot, created by your mechanical mates.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Why would they do that?
The Doctor: To pacify the locals, give them false hope. He's the opiate of the masses.
Sheriff of Nottingham: [scoffs] Why would we create an enemy to fight us? What sense would that make? That would be a terrible idea.
The Doctor: Yes! [frowns, considering this] Yes, it would… Wouldn't it? Yes, that would be a rubbish idea! Why would you do that? [stops] But he can't be… He's not real… He's a legend!
Robin: Too kind! And this legend does not come alone. (Clara pops up next to him and waves)
Clara: Hiya!
Robin: So, is it true, Doctor?
The Doctor: Is what true?
Robin: That in the future I am forgotten as a real man. I am but a legend.
The Doctor: I'm afraid it is.
Robin: Hmm… Good. History is a burden. Stories can make us fly.
The Doctor: I'm still having a little trouble believing yours, I'm afraid.
Robin: Is it so hard to credit? That a man born into wealth and privilege should find the plight of the oppressed and weak too much to bear--
The Doctor: Enough.
Robin: -- until one night he is moved to steal a TARDIS? Fly among the stars, fighting the good fight? Clara told me your stories.
The Doctor: [irritated] She should not have told you any of that.
Robin: [amused] Well, once the story started, she could hardly stop herself. You are her hero, I think.
The Doctor: I'm not a hero.
Robin: Well, neither am I. But if we both keep pretending to be — ha ha — perhaps others will be heroes in our name. Perhaps we will both be stories. And may those stories never end. [they shake hands] Goodbye, Doctor, Time Lord of Gallifrey.
The Doctor: Goodbye, Robin Hood, Earl of Loxley.
Robin: And remember, Doctor… I'm just as real as you are.

Listen [8.4]

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Logically, if evolution were to perfect a creature whose primary skill were to hide from view, how could you know it existed? It could be with us every second and we would never know. How would you detect it? Even sense it?
(13 September 2014)
The Doctor: Listen! Question: Why do we talk out loud when we know we're alone? Conjecture: because we know we are not. Evolution perfects survival skills. There are perfect hunters. There is perfect defense. Question: Why is there no such thing as perfect hiding? Answer: How would you know? Logically, if evolution were to perfect a creature whose primary skill were to hide from view, how could you know it existed? It could be with us every second and we would never know. How would you detect it? Even sense it? Except in those moments when, for no clear reason, you choose to speak aloud. What would such a creature want? What would it do? Well?! [yelling] What would you do?
The Doctor:[to Rupert] Are you scared? The thing on the bed, whatever it is… Look at it, does it scare you?
Rupert: Yes.
The Doctor: Well, that's good. Want to know why that's good?
Rupert: Why?
The Doctor: Let me tell you about scared. Your heart is beating so hard -- I can feel it through your hands! There's so much blood and oxygen pumping through your brain, it's like rocket fuel. Right now, you could run faster and you could fight harder. You can jump higher than ever in your life. And you are so alert, it's like you can slow down time. What's wrong with scared? Scared is a super power! It's your super power! There is danger in this room, and guess what? It's you. Do you feel it? [Rupert nods. The Doctor nods at the creature on the bed] Think he feels it? Do you think he's scared? [Rupert shakes his head] [mockingly] Nah. Loser.
The Doctor: Lovely view out this window.
Clara: Yeah. Come and see all the… dark.
The Doctor: That deep and lovely dark. We'd never see the stars without it.
The Doctor: What's that in the mirror? Or the corner of your eye?
What's that footstep following, but never passing by?
Perhaps they're all just waiting, perhaps when we're all dead,
Out they'll come a-slithering from underneath the bed.
[Clara steps out of the TARDIS. She's in a barn. On a raised platform in the corner is a straw bed. A boy is crying under a blanket. Clara approaches the end of the bed]
Clara: Rupert?
[She climbs the stairs]
Clara:[stands next to the bed] Orson?
[boy doesn't respond, just keeps crying.]
[A man and a woman enter the barn]
Gallifreyan Man: Why does he have to sleep out here?
Gallifreyan Woman: He doesn't want the others to hear him crying.
Gallifreyan Man: Why does he have to cry all the time?
[Clara hides under the bed]
Gallifreyan Woman: You know why.
Gallifreyan Man: There'll be no crying in the army.
Gallifreyan Woman: Hush.
[They approach the bed. the boy is still crying]
Gallifreyan Man: Don't pretend you're not awake, we're not idiots.
Gallifreyan Woman: Come and sleep in the house. You don't have to be alone. If you can hear me, you're very welcome in the house, with the other boys. I'll leave the door on the latch. Come in any time.
Gallifreyan Man: He can't just run away crying all the time if he wants to join the army!
Gallifreyan Woman: He doesn't want to join the army, I keep telling you!
Gallifreyan Man: Well, he's not going to the Academy, is he, that boy? He'll never make a Time Lord!
Clara:[comforting the young Doctor] This is just a dream. But very clever people can hear dreams. So, please, just listen. I know you're afraid, but being afraid is all right. Because didn't anybody ever tell you? Fear is a superpower. Fear can make you faster and cleverer and stronger. And one day, you're going to come back to this barn. And on that day you're going to be very afraid indeed. But that's okay. Because if you're very wise and very strong, fear doesn't have to make you cruel or cowardly. Fear can make you kind. It doesn't matter if there's nothing under the bed or in the dark, so long as you know it's okay to be afraid of it. You're always going to be afraid, even if you learn to hide it. Fear is like a companion. A constant companion, always there. But that's okay, because fear can bring us together. Fear can bring you home. I'm going to leave you something, just so you'll always remember. Fear makes companions of us all.

Time Heist [8.5]

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(20 September 2014)
The Doctor: Don't be so pessimistic. It'll affect team morale.
Saibra: What? And getting us blown up won't?
The Doctor: Only very, very briefly.
Psi: I still don't get why you're in charge.
The Doctor: Basically, it's the eyebrows.
[After Saibra has seemingly been killed]
Clara: Are you OK?
The Doctor: No. I'm an amnesiac robbing a bank, why would I be OK?
Clara: Because of Saibra.
The Doctor: What? Saibra is dead. We're alive. Prioritise if you want to stay that way.
Psi: Oh, is that why you call yourself the Doctor? The professional detachment?
The Doctor: Listen, when we're done here, by all means, you go and find yourself a shoulder to cry on. You'll probably need that. Until then, what you need is me!
Clara: I've just realised I'm going out for another meal now.
The Doctor: Don't worry. Calories consumed on the TARDIS have no lasting effect.
Clara: Wha… Are you kidding?!
The Doctor: Of course I'm kidding. It's a time machine not a miracle worker.
The Doctor: Robbin' a bank. Robbin' a whole bank. Beat that for a date.

The Caretaker [8.6]

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(27 September 2014)
Clara: Are there aliens in this school?
The Doctor: Listen, it's lovely talking to you, but I've really got to get on. I'm the caretaker, now. Look, I've got a brush.
Clara: Doctor. Is there an alien in this school?
The Doctor: Yes, me. Now go. The walls need sponging, and there's a sinister puddle.
Clara: What's that?
The Doctor: A scanner. I'm scanning. Why do I keep you around?
Clara: Because the alternative would be developing a conscience of your own. Scanning for what?
The Doctor: Any alien technology in this vicinity should show up. I used to have a teacher exactly like you.
Clara: You still do. Pay attention.
Courtney: What's in the box? It's not really a policeman, is it?
The Doctor: You want to know what's in that box? I'll tell you what's in that box! It's a Time Machine! It also travels in space! And it usually contains a man who just wants to get on with his work of preventing the end of the world — but keeps on getting interrupted by boring little humans!
Courtney: Cool! So that's really a spaceship!
The Doctor: I'm serious. I'm trying to save this planet.
Courtney: End of the world for me tonight whatever you do. Parent's evening.
The Doctor: Is your name really Disruptive Influence?
Courtney: Courtney Woods. Can I go in space?
The Doctor: I'll let you know. I may have a vacancy. But not right now.
The Doctor: That is really, really brilliant. How can you think I'm her dad when we look exactly the same age?
Clara: We do not look the same age.
The Doctor: I was being kind.
Danny: You're using her like a decoy?
The Doctor: No, not like a decoy, as a decoy.
Danny: Time Lord! Might've known.
The Doctor: Might've known. What.
Danny: Well, the accent's good, but you can always spot the aristocracy, it's in the, uh... the attitude.
Danny: I'm a soldier, guilty as charged! You see him? He's an officer.
The Doctor: I am not an officer!
Danny: I'm the one who carries you out of the fire, he's the one who lights it.

Kill the Moon [8.7]

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(4 October 2014)
Clara: Tell me what you knew.
The Doctor: Nothing! I told you, I've got... grey areas.
Clara: Yeah. I noticed. Tell me what you knew, Doctor, or else I'll smack you so hard you'll regenerate.
The Doctor: I knew that eggs are not bombs. I know they don't usually destroy their nests. Essentially what I knew was: you would always make the best choice. I had faith that you would always make the right choice.
Clara: Honestly, do you have music playin' in your head when you say rubbish like that?
The Doctor: It wasn't my decision to make, I told you.
Clara Oswald: Do you know what? Shut up! I am so sick of listening to you!
The Doctor: Yeah, well, I-- I didn't do it for Courtney. I didn't know what was going to happen. D'you think I'm lying?
Clara: I don't know. I don't know! But if you didn't do it for her, I mean… And do know what? It was cheap. It was pathetic. No, no, no, it was patronizing! That was you patting us on the back, saying "You're big enough to go to the shops yourself now. Go on, Toddle along".
The Doctor: No, that was me allowing you to make a choice about your own future. That was me… respecting you.
Clara: Oh my god, really? Was it? Yeah, well respected is not how I feel! [Clara sobs]
The Doctor: Right, okay. Uh...
Clara: I nearly didn't press that button! I nearly got it wrong. That was you, my friend, making me scared… Making me feel like a bloody idiot.
The Doctor: Language.
Clara: Oh, don't you ever tell me to mind my language! Don't you ever tell me to take the stabilisers off my bike! And don't you dare lump me in with the rest of all the little humans that you think are so tiny and silly and predictable! You walk our Earth, Doctor, you breath our air, you make us your friend. That is your moon, too, Doctor, and you can damn well help us when we need it!
The Doctor: I was helping.
Clara: What, by clearing off?
The Doctor: Yes.
Clara: Yeah? Well, clear off! Go On! Get back in your lonely… your lonely bloody TARDIS, and you don't come back — and you don't come back.
[Clara storms towards the doors]
The Doctor: Clara! Clara!
Clara: You go away. And you don't come back. Okay? You go a long way away.

Mummy on the Orient Express [8.8]

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(11 October 2014)
The Doctor: You're doing it again.
Clara: Doing what?
The Doctor: You're smiling.
Clara: Yes, I'm smiling.
The Doctor: It's the sad smile. It's a smile but you're sad. It's like two emotions at once. It's like you're malfunctioning.
The Doctor: [To himself] It's nothing. Nothing. Definitely. Sure. Ninety-nine percent sure. Really? Ninety-nine percent? That's quite high. Is that the figure you're sticking with? OK, OK, Seventy-Five. Well, that's jumped quite a bit. You've just lost twenty-four percent.
The Doctor: I'm your worst nightmare.
Quell: A mystery shopper? Oh, great.
The Doctor: Really? That's your worst? Okay, I'm a mystery shopper. I could do with an extra pillow and I'm very disappointed with your breakfast bar and all of the dying.
Quell: What kind of soldier would I be, dying with bullets in my gun?!
Frank: A man just died in front of us, can we not just have a moment?!
The Doctor: No! No, no, no, we can't do that, we can't mourn! People with guns to their heads, they cannot mourn, we do not have time to mourn!
The Doctor: If only I could see this thing! I'm not joking about it!
Frank: Don't even joke about that!
The Doctor: One minute with me, and this thing would be over!
Frank: You know, Doctor, I can't tell if you're a genius or if you're just incredibly arrogant!
The Doctor: Well, uh, on a good day, I'm both!
The Doctor: Well, he has... tried to entice me here before. Free tickets. Mysterious summons. He even phoned the TARDIS number, you know how difficult that number--
Clara: So, you knew. You knew that this was no relaxing break, you knew that was dangerous!
The Doctor: I didn't know! I certainly hoped.
Clara: Okay, this, you see? This is why I'm leaving you, this, because you lied, you lied to me again. And now you've made me lie. You made me your... accomplice!
The Doctor: Hello! I'm so pleased to finally see you. I'm the Doctor, and I will be your victim this evening! Are you my mummy?
The Doctor: You're relieved, soldier.
Frank: He's not the only one...
The Doctor: I couldn't risk Gus finding out my plan and stopping me.
Clara: So you were… pretending to be heartless?
The Doctor: Would you like to think that about me? Would that make it easier? I didn't know if I could save her. I couldn't save Quell, I couldn't save Moorhouse. There was a good chance that she'd die too. At which point… I would have just moved on to the next… and the next, until I beat it. Sometimes the only choices you have are bad ones, but you still have to choose.
Clara: Is it (travelling in the TARDIS) like....
The Doctor: ... Like what?
Clara: .... An addiction?
The Doctor: Well, you can't really tell if something's an addiction 'til you try and give it up.
Clara: And you never have.
The Doctor: Let me know how it goes.

Flatline [8.9]

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(18 October 2014)
Fenton: Are we really running away from Killer Graffiti? This is insane!
The Doctor: I agree, we've got to think of a better name for them than that.
The Doctor: I don't know if you'll ever hear this, Clara... I don't even know if you're still alive out there. But you were good! And you made a mighty fine Doctor...
The Doctor: [confronting the monsters] I tried to talk. I want you to remember that. I tried to reach out. I tried to understand you, but I think that you understand us perfectly. And I think that you just don't care! And I don't know whether you're here to invade, infiltrate or just replace us. I don't suppose it really matters now. You are monsters! That is the role you seem determined to play, so it seems that I must play mine: the man that stops the monsters. I'm sending you back to your own dimension. Who knows? Some of you may even survive the trip. And if you do, remember this: You are not welcome here! This planet is protected! I am the Doctor, and I name you the Boneless!
Fenton: It's like a forest fire though, isn't it? The objective is to save the great trees, not the brushwood, am I right?
The Doctor: It wasn't a fire, those weren't trees, those were people.
Fenton: Community Payback scumbags, I wouldn't lose any sleep.
The Doctor: I bet you wouldn't.
The Doctor: [To Rigsy] Your last painting was so good it saved the world. I can't wait to see what you do next.
Clara: Come on, why can't you say it? I was the Doctor, and I was good.
The Doctor: You were an exceptional Doctor, Clara.
Clara: Thank you.
The Doctor: Goodness had nothing to do with it.

In the Forest of the Night [8:10]

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We are here. Here always since the beginning and until the end.
 
After your wars are over, we will still be here. We are the Life that prevails.
 
What? Coronal ejections, geomagnetic storms, how often do you get a playlist like that?
(25 October 2014)
Maebh: [Sprites suddenly appear] They're lovely! They don't like it when you're holding them. They want you to let them go.
The Doctor: Who are they?
Sprites: [through Maebh] We are here. Here always since the beginning and until the end.
The Doctor: Here, that's it?
Sprites: We are the green shoots that grow between the cracks. The grass that grows over the mass graves. After your wars are over, we will still be here. We are the life that prevails.
The Doctor: Why now? Why are you here now?
Sprites: We hear the call and we come. As we came before to the great north forest, where we lie still in the great circle, as we came to the vast southern forest.
The Doctor: Who's calling you now?
Sprites: The sun that creates, the sun that destroys. You are hurting us, let us go.
The Doctor: You sent for me. The girl came looking for me. Why? Why me?
Sprites: We did not… send… pain, did not send for you. We don't know you. We were here before you, and we'll be here after you.
Clara: This really is gonna happen, isn't it?
The Doctor: Stars implode, planets grow cold, catastrophe is the metabolism of the universe. I can fight monsters, I can't fight physics.
Clara: Why would trees want to kill us? We love trees.
The Doctor: You've been chopping them down for furniture for centuries. If that's love, no wonder they're calling down fire from the heavens.
Clara: But we saw the future. Lots of futures. Earth's futures.
The Doctor: They're about to be erased.
Clara: If you can't save them all, save what you can. TARDIS. It's a lifeboat, isn't it? Not everybody has to die.
The Doctor: I can save you.
Clara: I don't want you to.
The Doctor: What, you don't want to live?
Clara: Of course I want to live, I just--
The Doctor: What?
Clara: Don't make me say it.
The Doctor: Say what?
Clara: I don't want to be the last of my kind.
The Doctor: Then why did you bring us all here?
Clara: Because it's the only way to get you back to the TARDIS -- make you think you're saving someone. Well, you know what, Doctor? This time, the human race is saving you. Make it worthwhile.
The Doctor: This is my world, too. I walk your Earth, I breathe your air...
Clara: And on behalf of this world, you're very welcome. Now go. Save the next one.
Clara: So, trip to space, anyone?
Ruby: I want my mum.
Boy: I slightly want my mum too.
Clara: Tell them, Mr. Pink, what an educational opportunity…
Danny: You… You go. This… this is enough for me.
Clara: What? Coronal ejections, geomagnetic storms, how often do you get a playlist like that?
Danny: I was a soldier. I put myself at risk. I didn't try too hard to survive but somehow, here I am. And now I can see what I nearly lost and it's enough. I don't want to see more things, I want to see the things that are in front of me more clearly. There are wonders here, Clara Oswald. Bradley saying "please", that's a wonder. One person is more amazing… harder to understand, but more amazing than universes.
Clara: Really? What person is that, then? [They kiss]
The Doctor: It’s the human superpower: forgetting. If you remembered how things felt, you’d have stopped having wars. And stopped having babies.

Dark Water [8.11]

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(1 November 2014)
Clara: You're going to help me?
The Doctor: Well, why wouldn't I help you?
Clara: Because what I just did. I--
The Doctor: You betrayed me. You betrayed my trust, you betrayed our friendship, you betrayed everything I ever stood for. You let me down!
Clara: Then why are you helping me?
The Doctor: Why? Do you think I care for you so little that betraying me would make a difference?
Missy: Hello. I hope you're well. How may I assist you with your death?
The Doctor: Well, there is, er, no immediate hurry. We're just, er. We're just…
Clara: Browsing.
Doctor: Yeah, yeah, browsing.
Missy: Please, take all the time you need. At 3W, you always have the rest of your life.
Doctor: Oh, good. That's good to know, Clara, isn't it?
Clara: Yeah. Great.
Doctor: Exactly what is 3W?
Missy: Apologies. Clearly you have not received the official 3W greetings package.
Doctor: Well, you know, it's just an unexpected—
Missy: [Missy lunges at the Doctor, pushing him against the wall, kissing him intently. The Doctor grabs the wall for support. Missy kisses his nose thrice and steps back.] Welcome to the 3W institute.
Doctor: Clara, is it over now?
Clara: I think it's over, yeah.
Missy: You also have not received the official welcome package. [Leans in to Clara]
Clara: Oh, I'm good, thanks. No worries.
Missy: My heart is maintained by the Doctor.
The Doctor: Doctor who?
Missy: [yelling] Dr Chang!
Dr Chang: White noise off the telly. We've all heard it. A few years ago, Dr Skarosa, our founder, did something unexpected: he played that noise through a translation matrix of his own devising. This is a recording of what he heard.
[Chang plays the white noise, revealing it to be many human voices]
Clara: Okay, people, voices…
The Doctor: So what?
Dr Chang: Over time, Dr Skarosa became convinced these were the voices of the recently departed. He believed it was a telepathic communication from the dead.
The Doctor: Why, was he an idiot?
Dr Chang: He was able to isolate some of the voices, hear what they were saying.
The Doctor: So, an idiot, then?
Clara: Shut up, Doctor.
Dr Chang: What I'm about to play for you will change your life, and not for the better. These are the three words that caused Dr Skarosa to set up institutes like one, all over the world, to protect the dead. If you'd rather not hear these words, there's still t–
The Doctor: [exasperated] Can you just hurry up, please? Or I'll hit you with my shoe.
[Chang plays the voice]
Voice: [repeating] Don't cremate me… don't cremate me…
Dr Chang: There is one simple, horrible possibility that has never occurred to anyone throughout human history.
Clara: [horrified] Don't say it.
Dr Chang: The dead remain conscious. The dead remain fully aware of everything that is happening to them.

Death in Heaven [8.12]

edit
(8 November 2014)
Kate Lethbridge-Stewart: [to the Cybermen] Afternoon. You've picked a lovely day for it. My, don't you look shiny? [to the Doctor] Haircut?
The Doctor: Bit of a trim.
Kate: Might want to do your roots. [motions to a soldier to take Missy] The woman. [to the Cybermen] Kate Stewart: divorcee, mother of two, keen gardener, outstanding bridge player. Also, Chief Scientific Officer of the Unified Intelligence Taskforce, who currently have you surrounded.
Cyberman: Human weaponry is not effective against Cyber technology.
Kate: Sorry, you left this behind on one of your previous attempts. [throws down a damaged Cyberman head.] So, now that I have your attention, welcome to the only planet on the universe where we get to say this: He's on the payroll.
The Doctor: Am I?
Kate: Well, technically.
The Doctor: How much?
Kate: Shush. [to the Cybermen] Any questions?
The Doctor: Hang on a second. "The President"? [walks away from the side table, to the main table] We don't want Americans, bombing around the place. [sits down] They'll only start praying.
Colonel Ahmed: [approaches the table] Not the President of America, sir, the President of Earth.
The Doctor: [carelessly, whilst filling his cup with sugar cubes] There isn't one.
Ahmed: There is now.
Kate: The incursion protocols have been agreed internationally. [to the Doctor, directly] In the event of full-scale invasion, an Earth President is inducted immediately, with complete authority over every nation state. [laughs briefly] Well, there was only one practical candidate. [indicates the Doctor]
The Doctor: [still fixated on his drink] That's your answer for everything, isn't it? [looks up, visibly annoyed] "Vote for an idiot."
Kate: If you say so, Mister President. So long as you are on this plane, you're the Commander-in-Chief of every army on Earth. Every world leader is currently awaiting your instructions. You are the chief executive officer of the human race. Any questions?
The Doctor: Pain is a gift. Without the capacity for pain, we can't feel the hurt we inflict.
Danny Pink: Clara, watch this. This is who the Doctor is. Watch the blood-soaked old general in action. I can't see properly, sir, because this [He points to his emotional inhibitor.] needs activating. If you want to know what's coming, you have to switch. It. On. And didn't all of those beautiful speeches disappear in the face of a tactical advantage... Sir?
Danny Pink: Typical officer... got to keep those hands clean.
The Doctor: I am not a good man! And I'm not a bad man either. I'm not a hero. I'm definitely not a president, and no, I'm not an officer. You know who I am? I… am… an idiot! With a box and a screwdriver. Passing through. Helping out. Learning. I don't need an army. I never have. Because I've got them, always them, because love is not an emotion. Love is a promise, and he will never hurt her. P.E., catch! [Tosses the control bracelet to Danny before turning to Missy] You didn't notice, did you? While you were doing all your silly orders, while you were showing off, the one soldier not obeying?

Series 9

edit

Last Christmas [9.X]

edit
(25 December 2014)
The Doctor: Do you know what the big problem is in telling fantasy and reality apart?
Ashley: What?
The Doctor: They're both ridiculous.
The Doctor: [to Shona] You missed a killer question.
Shona: Sorry, what?
The Doctor: [to Santa] How'd you get all the presents in the sleigh?
Santa: Bigger on the inside.
The Doctor: There's a horror movie called Alien? That's really offensive. No wonder everyone keeps invading you!
Santa: You are deep inside this dream, alright. And it is a shared mental state so it is drawing power from the multi-consciousness gestalt which has now formed telepathically—
The Doctor: No! No, no, no! Line in the sand! Santa Claus does not do the scientific explanation!
Santa: Oh. As the Doctor might say, "Aw, it's all a bit dreamy-weamy."
The Doctor: Why don't you just go and make a naughty list.
Santa: I have, mate, and you're on it.
The Doctor: Don't give me that look. You're supposed to be all warm and friendly and cheerful.
Santa: Oh yeah, look at your great bedside manner.
The Doctor: Don't be so hostile!
Clara: Doctor, behave.
The Doctor: You know what I hate about the obvious?
Clara: What?
The Doctor: Missing it!

The Magician's Apprentice [9.1]

edit
(19 September 2015)
The Doctor: Your chances of survival are about one in a thousand. So here's what you do. You forget the thousand, and you concentrate on the one.
The Doctor: Tell me the name of the boy who isn't going to die today!
Young Davros: Davros. My name is Davros.
[The Doctor enters on top of a tank, playing the Doctor Who theme on guitar.]
Bors: Dude! What is that?!
The Doctor: You said you wanted an axe fight. Oh, come on. In a few hundred years, that'll be really funny. It's a slow burner.
Bors: A musical instrument is not an axe.
The Doctor: Yes, and a daffodil is not a broadsword, but I still won the last round! [The crowd cheers] What do you think of my tank? Don't worry, it isn't loaded.
Bors: I don't like it.
The Doctor: No, neither do I. I bought it for my fish.
Bors: Your fish?
The Doctor: I may have ordered online! Oh, come on. Fish? Tank? Honestly, this stuff will be hilarious in a very few hundred years. Do please stick around.
The Doctor: Now, you lotǃ I have been here all day, and it's been a great dayǃ
Bors: You've been here for three weeksǃ
The Doctor: [softly] Three weeks? It must be nearly bedtime. [shouting to the crowd] Well, we've partied! [The crowd cheers] Yes! I helped you dig a well, with a first-class, child-friendly visitor centre! I've given you some top-notch maths tuition in a fun, but relevant way! And I have also introduced the word "dude" several centuries early! Let me hear you!
Crowdː Dude!
The Doctor: Are you a Renaissance…?
Crowdː Dude!
The Doctor: Are you a medieval…?
Crowdː Dude!
The Doctor: I am a dragon-slaying…?
Crowdː Dude!
The Doctor: We are all the young…?
Crowdː Dudes!
The Doctor: Davros is my arch-enemy! Why would I wanna talk to him?
Missy: Wait, hang on, Davros is your arch-enemy now?
The Doctor: Hush!
Missy: I'll scratch his eye out.
The Doctor: You flatter me.
Davros: Pity; I intended to accuse.
The Doctor: Skaro! You've brought me to Skaro.
Davros: Where does an old man go to die, but with his children?
Dalek Supreme: The TARDIS will not be entered. The TARDIS will be destroyed.
Clara: Yeah? Well, good luck, because she's indestructible
Missy: Did the Doctor tell you that? Because you should never believe a man about a vehicle.
[Clara is surrounded by Daleks]
Davros: See how they play with her. See how they toy. They want her to run. They need her to run. Do you feel their need, Doctor? Their blood is screaming, "kill, kill, kill"! Hunter and prey, held in the ecstasy of crisis. Is this not life at its purest? [Clara runs]
Dalek: Exterminate! Exterminate! [the Daleks fire, Clara screams and vanishes as the death rays hit her]
The Doctor: Why have I ever let you live?
Davros: Compassion, Doctor. It has always been your greatest indulgence. Let this be my final victory. Let me hear you say it, just once. Compassion is wrong.
Young Davros: Are you going to save me?
The Doctor: I'm going to save my friend, the only way I can! Exterminate!

The Witch's Familiar [9.2]

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(26 September 2015)
[Having just survived being fired upon by Daleks, the Doctor sits calmly in Davros' chair, sipping a cup of tea.]
The Doctor: Now, the real question is: Where did he get the cup of tea? Answer: I'm the Doctor. Just accept it.
Dalek Supreme: You are unharmed.
The Doctor: Proposition. Davros is an insane, paranoid genius who has survived among several billion trigger-happy mini-tanks for centuries. Conclusion? I'm definitely having his chair.
The Doctor: I've been at the heart of your empire for forty-two minutes, and I haven't even got out of my chair! Ask me what I want.
Dalek Supreme: What do you want?
The Doctor: Clara Oswald. I want Clara Oswald, safe, alive, and returned to me immediately! You bring her back -- you do that! You do that now! Unharmed, unhurt, alive.
Dalek Supreme: Your associate--
The Doctor: I saw what happened, I was there! And I'm hoping, for all our sakes, that it was a trick!
Dalek Supreme: It was not a deception.
The Doctor: Because if Clara Oswald is really dead... Then you'd better be very, very careful how you tell me.
[Missy and Clara listen from the sewers.]
Missy: Listen to that... The Doctor without hope.
The Doctor: Who's going to tell me? Who's going to go first?
Missy: Nobody's safe now.
The Doctor: All the power Davros had is mine! Everything he had, I have! Who's going to tell me Clara Oswald is really dead?!
Missy: He'll burn everything. Us, too.
Davros: I am dying, Doctor.
The Doctor: You keep saying that, and you keep not dying! Can you give it some welly? Come on!
The Doctor: There's no such thing as the Doctor. I’m just a bloke in a box telling stories. I didn’t come here because I'm ashamed. A bit of shame never hurt anyone. I came… because you're sick and you asked. And because sometimes, on a good day, if I try very hard… I’m not some old Time Lord who ran away. I'm the Doctor.
Davros: Compassion, then.
The Doctor: Always.
Davros: There is a question, Doctor. One I have longed to ask.
The Doctor: Yeah, well, if you're going to put your hand on my knee, it isn't going to go well.
Davros: Why did you leave Gallifrey?
The Doctor: Well, because I did.
Davros: You stole a TARDIS, and ran and ran. Why?
The Doctor: It's a boring place, Gallifrey. I was going out of my mind.
Davros: Yet you long to return.
The Doctor: Ah, well, I'm inconsistent.
Davros: But it is always the same lie.
The Doctor: What lie?
Davros: You weren't bored. No one runs the way you have run for so small a reason.
Davros: Did I do right, Doctor? Tell me… was I right? I need to know, before the end. Am I a good man?
The Doctor: You really are dying, aren't you?
Davros: Look at me. Did you doubt it?
The Doctor: Yes.
Davros: Then we have established one thing only.
The Doctor: What?
Davros: You are not… a good doctor. [After a moment, the Doctor laughs, and Davros laughs with him.]
The Doctor: Dalek Supreme, your sewers are revolting.
The Doctor: Come on. I'll take you home.
Young Davros: Which side are you on? Are you the enemy?
The Doctor: I'm not sure if any of that matters. Friends. Enemies. So long as there is mercy. Always mercy.

Under the Lake [9.3]

edit
(3 October 2015)
The Doctor: So who's in charge now? I need to know who to ignore.
The Doctor: (to Pritchard) It's okay, I understand. You're an idiot.
The Doctor: So, we are fighting an unknown homicidal force that has taken the form of your commanding officer and a cowardly alien, under water, in a nuclear reactor. Anything else I should know? Someone with a peanut allergy or something?
[Inside the TARDIS, Clara takes off her jacket and heads for the door to go back out into the danger.}
The Doctor: Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho! Where do you think you're going?!
Clara: Out there. Where the action is.
The Doctor: Look, um…
Clara: What?
The Doctor: Oh, this is my own fault. I like adventures as much as the next man, if the next man is a man who likes adventures. Even so, don't… Don't go native.
Clara: What do you mean? I'm not.
The Doctor: Look, there's a whole dimension in here (spreads his hands out, indicating the TARDIS), but there's only room for one… me.
Clara: Wait… wait a second. You just raved about ghosts like a kid who had too much sherbet.
The Doctor: Do you know what you need? You need a hobby.
Clara: Oh, I really don't.
The Doctor: Or, even better, another relationship. Come on, you lot, you're bananas about relationships. You're always writing songs about them, or go to war, or gettin' tattooed.
Clara: Doctor. I'm fine.
The Doctor: I just… felt that I — I had to say something.
Clara: I know, and I appreciated it.
The Doctor: 'Cause I've got a duty of care.
Clara: (bemused) Which you take very seriously, I know.
The Doctor: So can I stop now?
Clara: Please. Please do.
The Doctor: Every time I think it couldn't get more extraordinary, it surprises me. It's impossible. I hate it. It's evil. It's astonishing. I want to kiss it to death.

Before the Flood [9.4]

edit
(10 October 2015)
The Doctor: [speaking to the audience] So, there's this man, he has a time machine. Up and down history he goes — zip, zip, zip, zip, zip — getting into scrapes. Another thing he has is a passion for the works of Ludwig van Beethoven. Then, one day, he thinks, "What's the point in having a time machine if you don't get to meet your heroes?" So, off he goes to 18th Century Germany, but he can't find Beethoven anywhere. No one's heard of him. Not even his family have any idea who the time traveller is talking about. Beethoven literally doesn't exist. This didn't happen, by the way. I've met Beethoven. Nice chap. Very intense. Loved an arm wrestle. No, this is called the bootstrap paradox. Google it. The time traveller panics. He can't bear the thought of a world without the music of Beethoven. Luckily, he'd brought all of his Beethoven sheet music for Ludwig to sign. So, he copies out all the concertos and the symphonies, and he gets them published. He becomes Beethoven. And history continues with barely a feather ruffled. [turns on his amplifier and puts on his electric guitar] My question is this: who put those notes and phrases together? Who really composed Beethoven's Fifth? [he plays the opening notes to Beethoven's Fifth on his guitar]
The Doctor: This isn't a potential future. This is the future now. It's already happened. The proof is right there in front of you. I have to die.
Clara: No. You can change things.
The Doctor: I can't. Even the tiniest change, the ramifications could be catastrophic. It could spread carnage and chaos across the universe like ripples on a pond. Oh, well, I've had a good innings. This regeneration, it's a bit of a clerical error anyway. I've got to go sometime.
Clara: Not with me! Die with whoever comes after me. You do not leave me.
The Doctor: You can't cheat time; I just tried. You can't just go back and cut off tragedy at the root. Because you find yourself talking to someone you saw dead on a slab... because then you really do see ghosts.
The Doctor: Listen to me. We all have to face death eventually, be it ours or someone else's.
Clara: I'm not ready yet. I don't want to think about that, not yet.
The Doctor: I can't change what's already happened. There are rules.
Clara: So break them. And anyway, you owe me. You've made yourself essential to me. You've given me something else to, to be. And you can't do that and then die. It's not fair. No, Doctor, I don't care about your rules or your bloody survivor's guilt. If you love me in any way ... you'll come back.
The Fisher King: Time Lords... cowardly, vain curators who suddenly remembered they had teeth and became the most warlike race in the galaxy. But you... You! You are curious. You've seen the words, too -- I can hear them tick inside you. But, you are still locked in your history. Still slavishly protecting time. Willing to die rather than change a word of the future.
The Fisher King: You will be a strong beacon. How many ghosts can I make of you?
The Doctor: You know, you've got a lot in common with the Tivolians. You'll both do anything to survive. They'll surrender to anyone. You will hijack other peoples' souls and turn them into electro-magnetic projections. That will to endure… that refusal to ever cease. It's extraordinary. And it makes a fella think! Because you know what? If all I have to do to survive is to tweak the future a bit, what's stopping me? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah: the ripple effect. Maybe it will mean that the universe will be ruled by cats or something in the future. But the way I see it, even a ghastly future is better than no future at all! You robbed those people of their deaths; made them nothing more than a message in a bottle. You violated something more important than time: you bent the rules of life and death. So I am putting things straight! Here, now, this is where your story ends!
The Doctor: That's the thing about knowing you're going to die: You've got nothing left to lose!
The Doctor: Right, That's it. I've erased the memory of the writing. But, you might find you've lost a couple of other memories, too. Y'know, like people you went to school with or previous addresses or how to drink liquids.

The Girl Who Died [9.5]

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(17 October 2015)
The Doctor: People talk about premonition as if it's something strange. It's not. It's just remembering in the wrong direction.
The Doctor: Winning is all about looking happier than the other guy.
The Doctor : [to Clara] I'm sick of losing people. Look at you, with your eyes, and your never giving up, and your anger, and your kindness. One day, the memory of that will hurt so much that I won't be able to breathe, and I'll do what I always do. I'll get in my box and I'll run and I'll run, in case all the pain ever catches up. And every place I go, it will be there.
The Doctor: I'm the Doctor, and I save people. And if anyone happens to be listening, and you've got any kind of a problem with that, to hell with you!
The Doctor: It won't stop, the repair kit I put inside Ashildr, not ever. It'll just keep fixing her.
Clara: Well, good.
The Doctor: I'm not sure, but it's entirely possible she has lost the ability to die.
Clara: The ability?
The Doctor: Oh, dying's an ability, believe me. Barring accidents, she may now be functionally immortal.
Clara: If the repair kit never stops working, then why did you give her two?
The Doctor: Immortality isn't living forever, that's not what it feels like. Immortality is everyone else dying. She might meet someone she can't bear to lose. That happens… I believe.

The Woman Who Lived [9.6]

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(24 October 2015)
The Doctor: Kill me.
Leandro: Why?
The Doctor: If you intend any harm to this planet or its people, then killing me is by far your best move.
Leandro: You invite your own death?
The Doctor: No. I just want you to attack first. Then my conscience is clear.
Leandro: Of what?
The Doctor: You.
The Doctor: Why should I be responsible for you?
Ashildr: You made me immortal!
The Doctor: I saved your life. I didn't know that your heart would rust because I kept it beating. I didn't think your conscience would need renewing, that the well of human kindness would run dry. I just wanted to save a terrified young woman's life.
Ashildr: You didn't save my life, Doctor. You trapped me inside it.
The Doctor: People like us, we go on too long. We forget what matters. The last thing we need is each other.

The Zygon Invasion [9.7]

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(31 October 2015)
Kate Stewart: You left us with an impossible situation, Doctor.
The Doctor: Yeah, it's called peace.
Clara: I thought you didn't like being President of the World.
The Doctor: No, but I like poncing about in a big plane.
The Doctor: [points to the question marks on Osgood's lapel] Oh, I see you've accessorized it.
Osgood: Yes.
The Doctor: The old question marks.
Osgood: You used to wear question marks.
The Doctor: Oh, I know, yes, I did.
Osgood: They were nice. Why don't you wear them anymore?
The Doctor: Oh, I do. I've got question mark underpants.
Osgood: Makes one wonder what the question is.
The Doctor: Which one are you? Human or Zygon?
Osgood: I don't answer that question.
The Doctor: Why not?
Osgood: Because there is no question to answer. I don't accept it. My sister and I were the living embodiment of the peace we made. I will give all the lives that I have to protect it. You want to know who I am, Doctor? I am the peace. I am human and Zygon.
The Doctor: Like a hybrid.
Osgood: A hybrid? If you like.
The Doctor: Well, I'm proud to know you, Osgood. And I promise that I won't tell anyone… that you're a human. Zygons need to keep the human original alive to refresh the body print. If you were a Zygon, you'd have changed back within days of your sister's death.
Osgood: Those were the old rules. Before Zygons could pluck loved ones from your memory and wear their faces. Zygons only need to keep the original alive if they need more information from them. If the interrogation is over… then the original can die.
Zygon: We want the truth of who we are to be acknowledged! We want to live as ourselves, at any cost. We want a home.
The Doctor: Well, you can't have the United Kingdom. There's already people living there. They'll think you're going to pinch their benefits.

The Zygon Inversion [9.8]

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(7 November 2015)
The Doctor: London! What a dump.
Osgood: London's OK.
The Doctor: No it's not, it's a dump.
Osgood: You spend an awful lot of time here, considering it's a dump.
The Doctor: I spend an awful lot of time being kidnapped, tortured, shot at, and exterminated. Doesn't mean I like it.
The Doctor: How did you survive?
Kate: Five rounds, rapid.
The Doctor: You just want cruelty to beget cruelty! You're not superior to people who were cruel to you, you're just a whole bunch of new, cruel people. A whole bunch of new, cruel people being cruel to some other people, who'll end up being cruel to you! The only way anyone can live in peace is if they're prepared to forgive. Why don't you break the cycle?
Bonnie: Why should we?
The Doctor: What is it that you actually want?
Bonnie: War.
The Doctor: Ah. Ah, right. And when this war is over, when you have a homeland free from humans, what do you think it's going to be like? Do you know? Have you thought about it? Have you given it any consideration? Because you're very close to getting what you want! What's it going to be like? Paint me a picture. Are you going to live in houses? Do you want people to go to work? Will there be holidays? Oh! Will there be music? Do you think people will be allowed to play the violin? Who's going to make the violins? Well? Oh, you don't actually know, do you? Because, like every tantruming child in history, Bonnie, you don't actually know what you want! So let me ask you a question about this brave new world of yours. When you've killed all the bad guys and when it's all perfect and just and fair, when you have finally got it exactly the way you want it, what are you going to do with the people like you? The troublemakers? How are you going to protect your glorious revolution… from the next one?
Bonnie: We'll win.
The Doctor: Oh, will you? Well, maybe. Maybe you will win! But nobody wins for long. The wheel just keeps turning. So come on. Break the cycle.
The Doctor: This is a scale model of war! Every war ever fought, right there in front of you! Because it's always the same! When you fire that first shot, no matter how right you feel, you have no idea who's going to die! You don't know whose children are going to scream and burn! How many hearts will be broken! How many lives shattered! How much blood will spill until everybody does what they were always going to have to do from the very beginning: Sit — down — and — talk! Listen to me, listen, I just-- I just want you to think. Do you know what thinking is? It's just a fancy word for changing your mind!
Bonnie: I will not change my mind.
The Doctor: Then you will die stupid! Alternatively, you could step away from that box, you can walk right out of that door and you could stand your revolution down.
Bonnie: No. I'm not stopping this, Doctor. I started it, I will not stop it. You think they'll let me go, after what I've done?!
The Doctor: You're all the same, you screaming kids, you know that? "Look at me, I'm unforgivable." Well, here's the unforeseeable: I forgive you! After all you've done… I forgive you.
Bonnie: You don't understand. You will never understand.
The Doctor: I don't understand? Are you kidding? Me? Of course I understand. I mean, d'you call this a war, this funny little thing? This is not a war! I fought in a bigger war than you will ever know! I did worse things than you could ever imagine, and when I close my eyes… I hear more screams than anyone could ever be able to count! And do you know what you do with all that pain? Shall I tell you where you put it? You hold it tight… till it burns your hand, and you say this: No one else will ever have to live like this! No one else will have to feel this pain! Not on my watch!
Bonnie: Both boxes -- There's nothing in them. Just buttons.
The Doctor: Of course. And do you know how you know that? Because you've started to think like me. It's hell, isn't it? No one should have to think like that. And no one will. Not on our watch.
Kate: Well, this is all very well, but we know the boxes are empty now. We can't forget that.
The Doctor: No. Well, ah... You said that the last fifteen times.
Bonnie: I don't understand how you could just forgive me.
The Doctor: Because I've been where you have. There was another box. I was gonna press another button. I was gonna wipe out all of my own kind, man woman and child, I was so sure I was right.
Bonnie: What happened?
The Doctor: Same thing that happened to you: I let Clara Oswald get inside my head. Trust me, she doesn't leave.

Sleep No More [9.9]

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(14 November 2015)
Nagata: So what happened?
The Doctor: From the beginning of time? That’s a very long story.
The Doctor: Even I sleep.
Clara: When?
The Doctor: Well, when you're not looking.
Clara Oswald: We have to go after them!
The Doctor: Don't be ridiculous.
Clara Oswald: Doctor!
Nagata: They're under my command: I owe it to them.
The Doctor: To die? They wouldn't thank you for that. Nor you, Clara. "To die, to die, Glamis hath murdered sleep, therefore Cawdor shall sleep no more. Macbeth shall sleep no more."
Nagata: What?
The Doctor: Shakespeare. He really knew his stuff. They all did: The ancients, the poets. All those sad songs, all those lullabies. Sleep is essential to every sentient being in the universe. But to humans — greedy, filthy, stupid humans? It's an inconvenience… to be bartered away!
Clara Oswald: What now? We can't stay in here. We're going to freeze to death. And we can't go back out there because the Sandmen will get us.
The Doctor: Sandmen?
Clara Oswald: Yeah, it's a good name. It fits, like the song. #Bom, bom, bom.#
The Doctor: No, you don't get to name things. I'm the Doctor. I do the naming.
Clara Oswald: Alright, Sorry.
The Doctor: It's like the Silurians all over again.
Clara Oswald: Okay, well, what would you prefer then? The Dustmen?
The Doctor: [beat] Sandmen.

Face the Raven [9.10]

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(21 November 2015)
The Doctor: [Looking at a baby] Did you make this Human?
The Doctor: Bring the New Human. Or, don't bring the New Human, I'll just get distracted.
The Doctor: If you want your extremities to stay attached, stand absolutely still. If not, we can provide a small bag. You can take them home at the end.
The Doctor: [to Ashildr] Fix this. Fix it now.
Ashildr: It's not possible. I— I can't.
The Doctor: Yes, it is. You can, and you will, or this street will be over. I'll show you and all your funny little friends to the whole laughing world. I'll bring UNIT, I'll bring the Zygons - give me a minute, I’ll bring the Daleks and the Cybermen. You will save Clara, and you will do it now, or I will rain hell on you for the rest of time!
Clara: Doctor, stop talking like that.
Ashildr: You can't.
The Doctor: I can do whatever the hell I like. You read the stories, you know who I am! And in all that time, did you ever hear anything about anyone who stopped me?
Ashildr: I know the Doctor. The Doctor would nev—
The Doctor: The Doctor is no longer here! You are stuck with me! And I will end you and everything you love.
Clara: Doctor, for God's sake, will you stop?!
The Doctor: No!
Clara: I did this, do you hear me? I did this. This is my fault.
The Doctor: I don't care!
Clara: Liar. You always care. Always have. Your reign of terror will end with the sight of the first crying child, and you know it.
The Doctor: No, I don't.
Clara: I do. Listen, if this is the last I ever see of you, please, not like this.
Clara: [to the Doctor] You. You listen to me. You're going to be alone now, and you're very bad at that. You're going to be furious, and you're going to be sad, but listen to me. Don't let this change you. No, listen. Whatever happens next, wherever she is sending you, I know what you're capable of. You don't be a warrior. Promise me. Be a Doctor.
The Doctor: What's the point of being a Doctor if I can't cure you?
Clara: Heal yourself. You have to. You can't let this turn you into a monster. So, I'm not asking you for a promise. I'm giving you an order. You will not insult my memory. There will be no revenge. I will die, and no one else, here or anywhere, will suffer.
The Doctor: What about me?
Clara: If there was something I could do about that, I would. I guess we're both just going to have to be brave.
The Doctor: What Clara said, about not taking revenge. You know why she said that?
Ashildr: She was saving you.
The Doctor: I was lost a long time ago. She was saving you. I'll do my best. But I strongly advise you to keep out of my way. You'll find that it's a very small universe when I'm angry with you.

Heaven Sent [9.11]

edit
(28 November 2015)
The Doctor: As you come into this world, something else is also born. You begin your life and it begins a journey. Towards you. It moves slowly, but it never stops. Wherever you go, whatever path you take, it will follow. Never faster, never slower, always coming. You will run. It will walk. You will rest. It will not. One day, you will linger in the same place too long. You will sit too still or sleep too deep and when, too late, you rise to go, you will notice a second shadow next to yours. Your life will then be over.
The Doctor: If you think because she is dead that I am weak, then you understand very little. If you were any part of killing her, and you’re not afraid, then you understand nothing at all. So, for your own sake, understand this. I am the Doctor, I'm coming to find you, and I will never, ever stop.
The Doctor: Come on, chop chop! I just watched my best friend die in agony, my day can't get any worse! Let's see what we can do about yours!
The Doctor: I’ve finally run out of corridor. There's a life summed up.
The Doctor: Of course I had to jump! The first rule of being interrogated is that you are the only irreplaceable person in the torture chamber. The room is yours -- so work it. If they're gonna threaten you with death, show them who's boss! Die faster.
The Doctor: Rule One of dying: Don't. Rule Two: Slow down. You've got the rest of your life. The faster you think, the slower it will pass. Assume you're going to survive, always assume that. Imagine you've already survived. There's a storm room in your mind. Lock the door and think.
The Doctor: It’s funny. The day you lose someone isn’t the worst. At least you’ve got something to do. It’s all the days they stay dead.
The Doctor:[Maybe] I'm in hell. That's okay. I'm not scared of hell; it's just heaven for bad people.
The Doctor: There are two events in everybody's life that nobody remembers. Two moments experienced by every living thing, yet no one remembers anything about them. Nobody remembers being born... And nobody remembers dying. Is that why we always stare into the eye sockets of a skull? Because we’re asking - "what was it like? Does it hurt? Are you still scared?"
The Doctor: I'm following breadcrumbs laid out for me. This is somebody's game, and I can't stop playing. A game everybody else has lost.
The Doctor: I can't keep doing this, Clara! I can't! Why's it always me?! Why's it never anybody else's turn?!
[He looks round -- the blackboard on the upper walkway. It still reads: "Question 3: How are you going to WIN??"]
The Doctor: Can't I just lose? Just this once?
The Doctor: I can't keep doing this! I can't! I can't... always do this! It's not fair! It's not fair, Clara! Why can't I just lose?!
[He spins round on Clara -- still standing with her back to him. But chalked on the blackboard in front of her, a single word: "No!"]
The Doctor: But I can remember, Clara. You don't understand. I can remember it all. Every time.
[Just the word "No!"]
The Doctor: And you'll still be gone. Whatever I do... You still won't be there.
[The Doctor sags. Like that admission ripped the heart out of him. And then, impossibly - her voice.]
Clara: Doctor. You are not the only person who ever lost someone. It’s the story of everybody. Get over it. Beat it. Break free.
[She steps towards him, puts a hand to his face.]
The Doctor: Doctor, it's time. Get up, off your arse, and win.
The Doctor: Dying properly can take days. It's why we like to die among our own kind; they know not to bury us early.
The Doctor: This place is my own bespoke torture chamber. Intended for me only. But all those skulls in the water... How could there be other prisoners in my hell? The answer, of course, is that there were never any other prisoners. And the stars... They weren't in the wrong place. And I haven't time-travelled. I've just been here a very... very... long time.
The Doctor: How long can I keep doing this, Clara? Burning the old me... to make a new one?
The Doctor: [while repeatedly punching the Azbantium wall in an attempt to break through it] The Hybrid is a very dangerous secret. A very, very dangerous secret and it needs to be kept! So I'm telling you nothing. Nothing at all. Instead, I'm going to do something far worse. I'm going to get out of here, and find whoever put me here in the first place, and whatever they're trying to do, I'm going to stop it! But it might take me a little while, so do you want me to tell you a story? The Brothers Grimm, lovely fellas. They're on my darts team. According to them, there's this emperor and he asks this shepherd's boy, "How many seconds in eternity?"
[20 million years in the future]
And the shepherd's boy says, "There's this mountain of pure diamond. It takes an hour to climb it and an hour to go around it!"
[52 million years in the future]
"Every hundred years, a little bird comes and sharpens its beak on the diamond mountain."
[Nearly a billion years in the future]
"And when the entire mountain is chiseled away, the first second of eternity will have passed!"
[Well over a billion years in the future]
You must think that's a hell of a long time.
[After about 4.5 billion years]
Personally, I think that's a hell of a bird.
The Doctor: Go to the city, find somebody important. Tell them I'm back, and I'm on my way. And if they ask you who I am, tell them I came the long way round.
The Doctor: You can probably still hear me, so just between ourselves... You got the prophecy wrong. The Hybrid is not half-Dalek, nothing is half-Dalek, the Daleks would never allow that. The Hybrid destined to conquer Gallifrey and stand in its ruins... is me!

Hell Bent [9.12]

edit
(5 December 2015)
The Doctor: Nothing's sad till it's over. Then everything is.
Rassilon: Who the hell does he think he is?!
The General: The man who won the Time War, sir.
Ohila: I heard the Doctor had come home. One so loves fireworks.
The Woman: Why are they ringing all the bells?! Never heard so many! What's gone wrong this time, all the fuss they're always making...
[She notices the Doctor atop the barn.]
The Woman: You up there, you're not supposed to be there! I'll just put all that back, it's for the boys. If any of them ever want to come--
[She stops. Takes a beat, clearly recognizing him.]
The Woman: They'll kill you.
The General: Suggestion, sir: We could talk to him. Words are his weapons. When did they stop being ours?
Ohila: The Doctor does not blame Gallifrey for the horrors of the Time War.
Rassilon: I should hope not.
Ohila: He just blames you.
The Doctor: Get off my planet.
Soldier: There was a saying, sir, in the Time War.
Rassilon: A saying?
Soldier: First thing you notice about the Doctor of War is he's unarmed. For many, it's also the last.
Clara: Is this a story, or did this really happen?
The Doctor: Every story ever told really happened. Stories... are where memories go when they're forgotten.
The General: The President may not find anywhere to go...
The Doctor: He's not the President anymore.
The General: He was a good man once. Isn't this going a little far?
The Doctor: Oh, I've barely started.
The Doctor: Do you know what they did to me? The Confession Dial is a ritual act of purification. It allows a dying Time Lord to face his demons, make his peace before his mind is uploaded to the Matrix. It was never intended as a torture chamber for the living!
Ohila: Rassilon grew concerned about the coming of the Hybrid.
The Doctor: Afraid.
Ohila: You were entrapped and imprisoned at his command.
The Doctor: And look at him now.
Ohila: Why did you banish him? Was it punishment, or for your own protection? Were you just being cruel, or just being cowardly?
The Doctor: Prophecies never tell you anything useful, do they?
Ohila: This is no time to play the fool.
The Doctor: It's the end of the universe, it's the only time I've got!
The Doctor: I'll need help, obviously.
The General: Gallifrey is at your command.
The Doctor: Oh, not from you lot, no. You'd cramp my style. Look at your hats!
Clara: You-- You killed that man! You shot him, he's dead!
The Doctor: It was him or you!
Clara: I don't care!
The Doctor: Yeah? Well, the difference is, when you die, you stay dead.
Clara: So does he!
The Doctor: We're on Gallifrey! "Death" is Time Lord for Man Flu.
Clara: I thought you said Gallifrey was frozen, in another dimension.
The Doctor: Well, they must've unfrozen it and come back.
Clara: How?
The Doctor: I didn't ask; it'd make them feel clever.
Clara: One question. And you will answer: How long was the Doctor inside the Confession Dial?
Ohila: We think... four-and-a-half billion years.
The General: He could've left any time he wanted, he just had to say what he knew. The Dial would've released him.
[Clara turns to face the Doctor, horrified.]
Clara: Four-and-a-half billion years?
The Doctor: If she says so.
Clara: No! Why would you even do that? I was dead! I was dead and gone! Why? Why would you even do that to yourself?!
The Doctor: I had a duty of care!
Clara: My time is up, Doctor. Between one heartbeat and the last is all the time I have.
Ohila: Get out here and face me, boy!
Clara: "Boy"?
Ohila: You have gone too far. You have broken every code you ever lived by.
The Doctor: After all this time, after everything I've done, don't you think the universe owes me this?
Ohila: Owes you what? All you're doing is giving her hope.
The Doctor: Since when is hope a bad thing?
Ohila: Hope is a terrible thing on the scaffold.
[The Doctor departs in the TARDIS]
The General: Where can he run?
Ohila: Where he always runs. Away. Just away.
Clara: What if one last heartbeat is all I've got? What if Time isn't healing? What if the universe needs me to die?
The Doctor: The universe is over! It doesn't have a say any more! We're standing on the last ember, the last fragment of everything that ever was. As of this moment, I'm answerable to no-one!
The Doctor: Four knocks. It's always four knocks...
Clara: Tomorrow's promised to no one, Doctor, but I insist upon my past, I am entitled to that.
The Doctor: You and me, together... Look how far I went, for fear of losing you. This has to stop. One of us has to go.
Clara: [after seemingly reversed the polarity of the neural interface] You really don't know which?
The Doctor: Let's find out. Let's do it... like we've done everything else: together.
The Doctor: [losing memory of Clara] Run like hell, because you always need to. Laugh at everything, because it's always funny.
Clara: No. Stop it. You're saying goodbye. Don't say goodbye!
The Doctor: Never be cruel and never be cowardly. And if you ever are, always make amends.
Clara: Stop it! Stop! Stop it!
The Doctor: Never eat pears. They're too squishy and they always make your chin wet. That one's quite important. Write it down.
Clara: I didn't mean to do this. I'm sorry.
The Doctor: It's OK. It's OK. I went too far. I broke all my own rules. I became the Hybrid. This is right. I accept it.
Clara: I can't. There has to be something I can do.
The Doctor: Smile for me. Go on. Clara Oswald… one last time.
Clara: How could I smile?
The Doctor: It's OK. Don't you worry. I'll remember it.
Clara: Are you looking for her?
The Doctor: I'm trying...
Clara: She could be anyone, right? You don't know who you're looking for, I mean... she could be me, for all you know!
The Doctor: There's one thing I know about her, just one thing -- if I met her again, I would absolutely know.
Clara: What Clara told you in the Cloisters...
The Doctor: I don't remember a single thing about it.
Clara: You said memories become stories when we forget them. Maybe some of them become songs.
The Doctor: That would be nice...
Clara: Yeah, it would be, wouldn't it?

The Husbands of River Song [9.X]

edit
(25 December 2015)
Nardole: We weren't sure where you'd come down.
The Doctor: Sorry?
Nardole: In your capsule.
The Doctor: I'm never sure. I don't like being sure about things. One minute you're sure, the next, everyone tuns into lizards and a piano falls on your head.
Nardole: A piano?
The Doctor: It's been a long day.
River: If either of you use my name again, I will remove your organs in alphabetical order! Any questions?
The Doctor: Which alphabet?
River: You don't look much like your pictures.
The Doctor: Well, that's an ongoing problem for me.
The Doctor: Is it sad?
River: Why would a diary be sad?
The Doctor: I don't know, it's just that… you look sad.
River: It's nearly full.
The Doctor: So?
River: The man who gave me this was the sort of man who'd know exactly how long a diary you were going to need.
The Doctor: He sounds awful.
River: I suppose he is. I've never really thought about it.
The Doctor: Not somebody special then?
River: No. But terribly useful every now and then.
River: When you love the Doctor, it's like loving the stars themselves. You don't expect a sunset to admire you back. And if I happen to find myself in danger, let me tell you, the Doctor is not stupid enough, or sentimental enough, and he is certainly not in love enough to find himself standing in it with me! [She catches the Doctor's gaze, and the two look into each other's eyes]
The Doctor: Hello, sweetie.
River: You are so doing those roots.
The Doctor: What, the roots of the sunset?
River: Don't you dare.
The Doctor: I'll have to check with the stars themselves.
River: Oh shut up! I was just keeping them talking 'til it kicks off!
[The ship is struck by a meteor strike that River seemingly magically predicted.]
Flemming: How could you know?!
River: I'm an archaeologist from the future. I dug you up.
[At the Singing Towers of Darillium]
The Doctor: Times end, River, because they have to. Because there's no such thing as happy ever after. It's just a lie we tell ourselves because the truth is so hard.
River: No, Doctor. You're wrong. Happy ever after doesn't mean forever. It just means time. A little time. But that's not the sort of thing you could ever understand, is it?
The Doctor: Mmm. What do you think of the towers?
River: I love them.
The Doctor: Then why are you ignoring them?
River: They're ignoring me. But, then, you can't expect a monolith to love you back.
The Doctor: No, you can't. They've been there for millions of years, through storms and floods and wars and… time. Nobody really understands where the music comes from. It's probably something to do with the precise positions, the distance between both towers. Even the locals aren't sure. All anyone will ever tell you is that when the wind stands fair and the night is perfect… when you least expect it… but always… when you need it the most… there is a song.
River: So, assuming tonight is all we have left…
The Doctor: I didn't say that.
River: How long… is a night on Darillium?
The Doctor: 24 years.
River: [she gasps] I hate you.
The Doctor: No, you don't.

Series 10

edit

The Return of Doctor Mysterio [10.X]

edit
(25 December 2016)
The Doctor: Why do they call him "Spider-Man"? Don't they like him?
Young Grant: He was bitten by a radioactive spider, and guess what happened?
The Doctor: Radiation poisoning, I should think.
Young Grant: No. He got special powers.
The Doctor: What? Vomiting. Hair loss. And death. Fat lot of use.
The Doctor: With great power comes great responsibility. No 'man' worthy of the title leaves a baby alone.
Lucy: [Holding a squeaky toy] This is Mr. Huffle. Mr. Huffle feels pain. [Squeezes Mr. Huffle] Meet me in the kitchen.
Nardole: Oh. There's the smile. I don't like the smile.
The Doctor: The Sword of Damocles hanging over New York. I can't destroy it, I can't remove it, I can't stop it falling. There's only one thing I can do.
Nardole: What?
The Doctor: The unexpected! The thing about being in a room full of buttons and switches is… I love buttons and switches! [he frantically presses various buttons and switches]
The Doctor: Things end. That's all. Everything ends, and it's always sad. But everything begins again too, and that's… always happy. Be happy. I'll look after everything else.
Nardole: He's the Doctor. He's very brave and he's very silly, and I think, for a time, he's going to be very sad. But I promise, in the end, he'll be alright.

The Pilot [10.1]

edit
(15 April 2017)
The Doctor: Imagine if time happened all at once. Every moment of your life laid out around you… like a city. Streets full of buildings made of days. The day you were born. The day you die. The day you fall in love. The day that love ends. A whole city built from triumph and heartbreak and boredom and laughter and cutting your toenails. It's the best place you will ever be. Time is a structure relative to ourselves. Time is the space made by our lives. Where we stand together forever. Time and relative dimension in space. It means "life".
Bill Potts: Why'd you run like that?
The Doctor: Like what?
Bill: Like a penguin with his arse on fire.
The Doctor: Ergonomics. [points to his reflection in the puddle] That's my face, yeah?
Bill: You seem a bit flexible on the subject.
The Doctor: Oh, you have no idea.
Bill: [about the TARDIS] Doctor, it's bigger on the inside than it is on the outside!
Nardole: Hey hey, we got there!
Bill: How is that possible? How'd he do that?
Nardole: Well, first, you have to imagine a very big box fitting inside a very small box.
Bill: Okay.
Nardole: Then you have to make one. It's the second part people normally get stuck on.
Bill: Is everything out here evil?
The Doctor: Hardly anything is evil. But most things are hungry. Hunger looks very like evil from the wrong end of the cutlery. Or do you think that your bacon sandwich loves you back?
Bill: What changed your mind?
The Doctor: Time.
Bill: Time?
The Doctor: And relative dimension in space. [Opens the TARDIS door with a snap] It means… "What the hell."

Smile [10.2]

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(22 April 2017)
The Doctor: You don't steer the TARDIS, you negotiate with it!
Bill: Why are you Scottish?
The Doctor: I'm not Scottish, I'm just cross!
The Doctor: What's the opposite of a massacre?
Bill: OK, what?
The Doctor: In my experience, a lecture.
The Doctor: Do you know why I always win at chess? I have a secret move. I kick over the board.
The Doctor: I re-initialised the entire command structure, retaining all programmed abilities but deleting the supplementary preference architecture.
Bill: He turned it off and on again.

Thin Ice [10.3]

edit
(29 April 2017)
Bill: So how do we stay out of trouble?
The Doctor: Well, I'm not the right person to ask.
Bill: Travelling to the past, there's got to be rules. If I step on a butterfly, it could send ripples through time that mean I'm not even born yet in the first place, and I could just disappear.
The Doctor: Definitely. I mean, that's what happened to Pete.
Bill: Pete?
The Doctor: Your friend, Pete. He was standing there a moment ago. He stepped on a butterfly. Now you don't even remember him.
[Bill looks concerned, then realizes the Doctor is putting her on.]
Bill: Shut up! I'm being serious.
The Doctor: So was Pete.
Bill: Regency England. Bit more black than they show in the movies.
The Doctor: So was Jesus. History's a whitewash.
Bill: If you care so much, tell me how many people you've seen die?
The Doctor: I don't know.
Bill: Okay. How many before you lost count?
The Doctor: I care, Bill. But I move on.
Bill: Yeah, how quickly?
The Doctor: It's not me you're angry with.
Bill: Have you ever killed anyone? There's a look in your eyes sometimes that makes me wonder. Have you?
The Doctor: There are situations when the options available are limited.
Bill: Not what I asked.
The Doctor: Sometimes the choices are very-
Bill: That's not what I asked!
The Doctor: Yes.
Bill: How many?
[The Doctor remains silent.]
Bill: Don't tell me. (disgusted) You've moved on.
The Doctor: And you know what happens if I don't move on? More people die. There are kids living rough near here, they may well be next on the menu. Do you want to help me, or do you want to stand here stamping your foot? Because let me tell you something, I'm 2,000 years old... and I have never had the time for the luxury of outrage.
The Doctor: Human progress isn't measured by industry. It's measured by the value you place on a life. An unimportant life. A life without privilege. The boy who died on the river, that boy's value is your value. That's what defines an age. That's what defines a species.
Lord Sutcliffe: What a beautiful speech. The rhythm and... and vocabulary are quite outstanding. It's enough to move anyone with an ounce of compassion. So it's really not your day, is it? If they know of the beast, then others must too. We bring the plan forward.
Lord Sutcliffe: (after the Doctor punches him) Well...you're not from the Fairfoot club.
Nardole: Sir! No! This is unacceptable! This is beyond unacceptable. This is naughty.
The Doctor: Language.

Knock Knock [10.4]

edit
(6 May 2017)
The Doctor: Don't be scared.
Harry: Why not?
The Doctor: It really doesn't help.
Bill: OK, now's the time for the plan.
The Doctor: That was it. No plan. Info-dump, then busk it.
Bill: Well, start busking!
Nardole: Bill told me you went on a little adventure. You see?
The Doctor: See what?
Nardole: Well! You don't have to go to outer space to find monsters. There's plenty of things wanna kill you right here on Earth.
The Doctor: Look. I know you miss it all, but I'm stuck here too, y'know? We're both prisoners...

Oxygen [10.5]

edit
(13 May 2017)
The Doctor: Space. The final frontier. "Final" because it wants to kill us. Sometimes we forget that, start taking it all for granted — the suits, the ships, the little bubbles of safety — as they protect us from the void. But the void… is always waiting.
Nardole: I was given strict instructions to keep you at the university.
The Doctor: Who by?
Nardole: You!
The Doctor: Well you're not doing a very good job, are you? I'll overlook it this once.
The Doctor: What do you want from me?
Nardole: The truth.
The Doctor: Don't be unreasonable.
The Doctor: The universe shows its true face when it asks for help. We show ours by how we respond.
The Doctor: I’ve got no sonic, no TARDIS, about ten minutes of oxygen left, and now I’m blind. Can you imagine how unbearable I’m going to be when I pull this off?
Ivan: Are you out of your mind?
The Doctor: Ah, yes, completely, but that's not a recent thing.
The Doctor: The end point of capitalism. A bottom line where human life has no value at all. We're fighting an algorithm. A spreadsheet! Like every worker, everywhere, we're fighting the suits.
Nardole: It's Bill!
The Doctor: Of course it's Bill; fate and me, we have a thing.

Extremis [10.6]

edit
(20 May 2017)
Hooded Priest: Greetings, sinner. [quoting] Only in darkness are we revealed.
The Doctor: I didn't send for you.
Hooded Priest: [continuing] Goodness is not goodness that seeks advantage. Good is good in the final hour. In the deepest pit. Without hope. Without witness. Without reward. Virtue is only virtue in extremis. This is what he believes. And this is the reason, above all, I love him. My husband. My madman in a box. My Doctor.
[The priest is shown to be reading from River Song's diary, which he closes. He pulls back his hood to reveal himself as Nardole.]
Nardole: Your missus wouldn't approve.
The Doctor: [shocked, angry] How the hell did you get here?
Nardole: Followed you from Darillium. On the explicit orders of your late wife, River Song. Warning: I have full permission to kick your arse.
Nardole: So, you're blind and you don't want your enemies to know. I get it. But why does it have to be a secret from Bill?
The Doctor: Because I don't like being worried about. Around me, people should be worried about themselves.
Nardole: Yeah. Shall I tell you the real reason?
The Doctor: No.
Nardole: Because the moment you tell Bill, it becomes real, and then you might actually have to deal with it.
The Doctor: Good point. Well made. Definitely not telling her now.
Nardole: You're an idiot.
The Doctor: Everyone knows that.
Nardole: Okay, Bill. Miss Potts. [removes his glasses, serious tone] I'm the only person you've ever met, or will ever meet, who is officially licensed to kick the Doctor's arse! I will happily do the same to you in the event that you do not align yourself with any instructions I have issued which I personally judged to be in the best interest of your safety and survival. [replaces his glasses, back to normal tone] Okay? Bill?
Bill: Are you secretly a badass?
Nardole: Nothin' secret about it, babydoll.
The Doctor's Simulation: Funny. I don't believe much. I'm not sure I believe anything. But right now, belief is all I am. "Virtue is only virtue in extremis"... I take it that your intention is to invade the Earth?
Monk: The simulations have been run. Earth will be ours.
The Doctor's Simulation: Well, consider this... a warning, on the eve of war. I am the Doctor! I am what stands between you and them!
Monk: You are not the Doctor. You are not real.
The Doctor's Simulation: You don't have to be real to be the Doctor, as long as you never give up! Long... as you always trick the bad guys into their own traps! And here's the trap you fell into -- your simulation is far too good!
[He picks up the Sonic Suglasses and presents them to the Monk.]
The Doctor's Simulation: D'you see these? They're set to record. I'm blind, you see. So I'm psychically wired into these, so my memory print of the last few hours will still be intact on here! Information about you.
Monk: You are not real. There is nothing you can do.
The Doctor's Simulation: There's always one thing you can do from inside a computer! Even if you're a jumped up little subroutine, you can do it! You can always... e-mail!
[He pushes them up to his face -- a display on the real Doctor's sunglasses shows that a memory file is uploading.]
Monk: What are you doing?!
The Doctor's Simulation: I'm doing what everybody does when the world is in danger -- I'm calling the Doctor! Pressing "send"!
Rafando: You swore an oath--!
The Doctor: I swore an oath I'd look after her body for a thousand years; nobody mentioned "dead".
Rafando: You are unarmed?
The Doctor: Always.
Rafando: You stand alone.
The Doctor: Often.
Rafando: You're the one who should be afraid.
The Doctor: Never.

The Pyramid at the End of the World [10.7]

edit
(27 May 2017)
The Doctor: [walking around the TARDIS console] The end of your life… has already begun. There is a last place you will ever go. The last door you will ever walk through. A last sight you will ever see. And every step you ever take… is moving you closer. The end of the world is a billion, billion tiny moments. And somewhere unnoticed, in silence or in darkness… it has already begun.
Bill: [from outside the TARDIS] Are you talking to yourself in there?
The Doctor: I'm meditating.
Bill: It's an alien spaceship.
The Doctor: There you go.
Colonel Brabbit: But what's it doing?
The Doctor: It could have chosen anywhere on this planet. It chose to sit on the strategic intersection of the three most powerful armies on Earth. So what it's doing, Colonel, is sending us a message.
Colonel Brabbit: What message?
The Doctor: "Bring it."
Monk: We know you.
The Doctor: Then you'll know that there is a line in the sand, and I'm the man on the other side of it. You want to keep me that way.
The Doctor: Back to the TARDIS, this place is toxic.
Nardole: I'm not human.
The Doctor: Well, you're human enough. I got your lungs cheap.
Nardole: Oh. Now he tells me.
The Doctor: Think think think think think think think think think think. Stupid Doctor. Stupid stupid stupid. [realizes the solution] Handsome Doctor. Adorable, hugely intelligent, but still approachable, Doctor.
The Doctor: Bill, what have you done?!
Bill: I'll tell you what, old man... You better get my planet back!
Monk: Enjoy your sight, Doctor. Now see our world.

The Lie of the Land [10.8]

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(3 June 2017)
The Doctor: Human society is… stagnating. You've stopped moving forward. In fact, you're regressing.
Bill: Well, this isn't exactly much better.
The Doctor: It's safer.
Bill: Not so much for the people the Monks are killing.
The Doctor: The Romans killed people and saved billions more from disease. War. Famine. And barbarism.
Bill: No, wait. What about free will? You believe in free will. Your whole thing is - you made me write a 3000-word essay on free will!
The Doctor: Yes, well, you had free will, and look at what you did with it. Worse than that, you had history. History was saying to you, "Look, I've got some examples of fascism here for you to look at. No? Fundamentalism? No? Oh. Okay. You carry on." I had to stop you, or at least not stand in the way of someone else who wanted to. Because the guns were getting bigger, the stakes were getting higher, and any minute now, it's gonna be "Goodnight, Vienna". By the way, you never delivered that essay.
Bill: Because the world was invaded by zombie monks!
Bill: Do you have any idea how hard the past few months have been? How hard it's been to hold on to the truth? It would've been so easy to just-- to just give in and believe their lies. But I didn't. I fought against it for you! For when you came back! And now you're saying you've joined them? You're helping them? [She grabs a gun from a soldier and points it at the Doctor.]
The Doctor: Bill, put-- put, put the gun down.
Bill: I'm serious, Doctor. We'll think of something else. But you better tell me now. Cause-- Cause if you help the Monks, then nothing will ever stop them. They'll be here forever!
The Doctor: It's not a trick, it's not a plan, I have joined the Monks. Whatever it takes... I'm gonna save you from yourselves.
Bill: But I shot you!
The Doctor: Yes, well, that was the plan, you see. Everyone exchanged their ammo for blanks!
[One of the soldiers suddenly looks guilty.]
The Doctor: Did you forget, Dave? You forgot? Well, that would've really blown the plan, wouldn't it?!
[The Doctor has opened the vault to reveal its contents - Missy]
Bill: It's a woman! The way you and Nardole were carrying on, I thought you had a monster in here or something.
The Doctor: I do. Missy, Bill. Bill, Missy. The other last of the Time Lords.
[Missy has revealed her plan to stop the Monks -- turning Bill into a vegetable]
The Doctor: Even if that was the truth, the fact that you're suggesting it shows there's been no change. No hope, no point. We don't sacrifice because it's wrong. Because it's easy.
Missy: You know, back in the day, I burned an entire city to the ground just to see the pretty shapes the smoke made. I'm sorry your plus one doesn't get a happy ending. But like it or not, I just saved this world because I want to change. Your version of "good" is not absolute. It's vain and arrogant and sentimental. If you're waiting for me to become all that, I'm going to be here for a long time yet.
The Doctor: Humanity's doomed to never learn from its mistakes.
Bill: Well, I guess that's part of our charm.
The Doctor: No. It's really quite annoying.
Bill: Why do you put up with us (humanity), then?
The Doctor: In amongst seven billion, there's someone like you. That's why I put up with the rest of them.
Missy: [tearfully] You remember all the people I've killed? Every day, I think of them all. Being bad… being bad. I didn't know I even knew their names. You didn't tell me about this bit.
The Doctor: I'm sorry, but this is good.
Missy: [trying to hold it together] Okay.

Empress of Mars [10.9]

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(10 June 2017)
The Doctor: He's an Ice Warrior.
Bill: And they're the proper martians, right? They belong here?
The Doctor: Yes, the indigenous species. An ancient reptilian race. They built themselves a sort of bio-mechanical armour for protection. The creature within is at one with its carapace. The Ice Warriors. They could build a city under the sand yet drench the snows of Mars with innocent blood. They could slaughter whole civilisations, yet weep at the crushing of a flower.
Bill: What, you can deal with big green Martians and, and, and rocket ships, but you can't deal with us being the police?
Godsacre: No, no, no, no, no. It's just such a fanciful notion. A woman in the police force.
Bill: Listen, yeah? I'm going to make allowances for your Victorian attitudes because, well, you actually are Victorian.
Iraxxa: And you! Female! What do you say?
Bill: Me?
Iraxxa: We are both surrounded by noisy males. I would value your opinion.
Iraxxa: You ask for mercy for these creatures?
The Doctor: Indeed.
Iraxxa: Then I grant it.
The Doctor: Thank you.
[She steps toward him, staring him directly in the eye.]
Iraxxa: They will die... quickly.
[After Godsacre shoots Catchlove dead to save Iraxxa]
Iraxxa: You sacrificed one of your own, without tactical advantage?
Godsacre: I didn't sacrifice him. I executed him.
Iraxxa: Do you now expect your life to be spared?
Godsacre: No, no, no, no - I expect it to be taken. And I give it, willingly. [empties the bullets from his revolver]
Bill: No. No, wait, stop it. Doctor, stop it!
The Doctor: Shh...!
Godsacre: [lays his revolver and sword down] Some time ago, I was hanged for cowardice. [shows Iraxxxa the scar on his neck] The execution took longer than expected, and I fear I have not used my time well. I should be happy for you to complete the work they failed to do so long ago.
Iraxxa: It will be a pleasure. [aims at him]
Bill: No, please, don't do this.
The Doctor: Bill, quiet.
Bill: He saved your life!
Godsacre: Your Majesty, I have a request, if that may be permitted.
Iraxxa: Speak!
Godsacre: [regarding Catchlove] That man was not one of us. Please do not judge mankind by his cruelty or, indeed, by my cowardice. Spare my friends and my world.
Iraxxa: Your request does you credit, soldier. It will be considered.
Godsacre: God save the Queen!
Soldiers: God save the Queen!
Iraxxa: You will die with honor, with bravery, and in the service of those you swore to protect.
Godsacre: Thank you. You don't know what that means. Thank you.
Iraxxa: But not today. In battle, soldier. To die in battle is the way of the warrior. Pledge your allegiance to me and my world, and I will ensure you have the opportunity.
Godsacre: My life and my service are yours. [takes a knee] To the end!
Iraxxa: To the death, my friend. [places her hand on his shoulder] To the death.
Bill: [to the Doctor] You knew that would happen!
The Doctor: Always been my problem...
Bill: What?
The Doctor: Thinking like a warrior.
Alpha Centauri: Are you receiving us? Mars, are you receiving?
Iraxxa: This is Iraxxa, Queen Empress of Mars.
Alpha Centauri: Ah, excellent! We have received details of your situation. We would be happy to send a fleet to your aid at once. A physical marker of some sort would be appreciated to guide our ships.
Iraxxa: To whom am I speaking?
Alpha Centauri: This is Alpha Centauri. [appears on the monitor] Welcome to the universe!

The Eaters of Light [10.10]

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(17 June 2017)
The Doctor: Shh. Does everybody hear that? Do you know what that sound was?
Ban: What?
The Doctor: (yelling) That was the sound of my PATIENCE shattering into a billion little pieces!!! Now, there are only two things I need to know: where is my friend, and what destroyed the Roman army???
Nardole: We’re looking for Bill, right?
The Doctor: No, we’re looking for the maximum danger in the immediate area and walking right into it.
The Doctor: Are you sulking?
Kar: I'm remembering the dead.
The Doctor: Ah, right. Well, save that for old age.
Kar: They're dead because of me.
The Doctor: You know, every moment you waste wallowing about in unhappy thought means more of the living are going to join them. If you want to win a war, remember this: it’s not about you. Believe me, I know. Time to grow up. Time to fight your fight.
Nardole: Sir, I must protest in the strongest, most upset terms possible! Don't make me go squeaky-voiced.
The Doctor: See, that's what I'm trying to teach you, Missy. You understand the universe, you see it and you grasp it, but you've never learned to hear the music.
Missy: I don't even know why I'm crying. Why? Why do I keep doing that now?
The Doctor: I don't know. Maybe you're trying to impress me.
Missy: Yes. Probably some devious plan. That sounds about right.
The Doctor: The alternative would be much worse.
Missy: Really?
The Doctor: The alternative is that this is for real, and it's time for us to become friends again.
Missy: Do you think so?
[Missy reaches for the Doctor but he steps back. He then takes her hands in his.]
The Doctor: I don't know. That's the trouble with hope. It's hard to resist.

World Enough and Time [10.11]

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(24 June 2017)
Jorg: Hello? Who’s there, hello? Please report status.
Missy: Ooh, look at this one! You’re probably handsome, aren’t you? Congratulations on your relative symmetry.
Jorg: Who are you?
Missy: Well, I'm that mysterious adventurer in time and space, known only as Doctor Who, and these are my disposables - Exposition and Comic Relief.
Nardole: We're not functions!
Missy: Darling, those were genders.
The Doctor: Her name isn't Doctor Who. My name is Doctor Who.
Nardole: It's not, is it?
The Doctor: I like it.
The Doctor: She got us home from Mars.
Bill: She's a murderer!
The Doctor: Enjoying your bacon sandwich?
Bill: Why?
The Doctor: Because it had a mummy and a daddy. Go tell a pig about your moral high ground.
The Doctor: Nardole agreed!
Nardole: No I didn't!
The Doctor: You did in my head, which is good enough for me.
Nardole: Are you having an emotion?
The Doctor: I know I can help her.
Nardole: Yeah! Look at that face, he's having an emotion! Yeah! Yes, look at that bit, he's doing emotions.
Bill: Oh, leave him alone!
Nardole: Can I take a selfie with you?
The Doctor: She was my first friends. Always so brilliant, from the first day at the Academy. So fast, so funny! She was my man crush.
Bill: I'm sorry?
The Doctor: Yeah. I think she was a man back then, I'm fairly sure that I was, too. It was a long time ago.
Bill: So, like, Time Lords... Bit flexible on the whole, like, "man/woman" thing, yeah?
The Doctor: We're the most civilized civilization in the universe. We're billions of years beyond your petty human obsession with gender and its associated stereotypes.
Bill: But you still call yourselves "Time Lords".
The Doctor: (beat) Yeah, shut up.
The Doctor: We had a pact, me and him: Every star in the universe! We were going to see them all. But he was too busy burning them... and I don't think she ever saw anything.
Missy: Assumption!
The Doctor: Deduction!
Missy: Hope!
The Doctor: Faith!
Missy: Idiot!
The Doctor: Always!
Razor: Do you vant ze good tea or ze bad tea?
Bill: What's the difference?
Razor: I call one good, I call one bad.
Bill: I'll have the good one.
Razor: Excellent positive attitude. Vill help with the horror to come.
Bill: What horror?
Razor: Mainly ze tea.
Razor: [Handing Bill a cup of tea] Drink it vhile it's very hot. The pain vill disguise ze taste.
[Bill has been converted into a Mondasian Cyberman]
The Doctor: Bill? Bill, talk to me. What have they done to you?
Nardole: Operation Exodus… whatever that is.
Missy: [from behind them] Well, wrong name, for a start.
Cyberman Bill: I… waited.
Missy: [standing at one side of Bill] This is not an exodus, is it? More of a beginning, really, isn't it?
Cyberman Bill: I… waited.
The Master: [from behind the Doctor] In fact, d'you know what I'd call it? [enters and stands on the other side of Bill]
[Realizing who it is, the Doctor looks on in shock.]
The Master: I'd call it a genesis.
Missy: You've met the ex.
The Master: Specifically… the genesis of the Cybermen.
Cyberman Bill: [pointing at the Doctor] I… waited… for you. [a single tear runs from Bill's left eye and through her cybermask]

The Doctor Falls [10.12]

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(1 July 2017)
The Doctor: [to the two Masters] You two should know by now; when you're winning, and I'm in the room, you're missing something.
Bill: I remember that you said you could fix this, that you could get me back, did you say that?
The Doctor: I did say that, yes.
Bill: Were you lying?
The Doctor: No.
Bill: Were you right?
The Doctor: ...no.
The Doctor [shouting to the Master and Missy]: Hey! I'm going to be dead in a few hours, so before I go, let's have this out. You and me, once and for all. Winning? Is that what you think it’s about? I’m not trying to win. I'm not doing this because I want to beat someone — or because I hate someone, or because I want to blame someone. It’s not because it’s fun. God knows it’s not because it's easy. It’s not even because it works, because it hardly ever does. I do what I do because it's right! Because it's decent! And above all, it's kind! It's just that. Just kind. If I run away today, good people will die. If I stand and fight, some of them might live — maybe not many, maybe not for long. Hey, maybe there’s no point in any of this at all, but it's the best I can do. So I'm going to do it, and I will stand here doing it until it kills me. You're going to die, too, someday. When will that be? Have you thought about it? What would you die for? Who I am is where I stand. Where I stand is where I fall. Stand with me. These people are terrified. Maybe we can help a little. Why not, just at the end, just be kind?
The Doctor: Hello... I'm the Doctor.
Cyberman: Doctors are not required.
The Doctor: No, I'm not a Doctor, I am the Doctor! The original, you might say...
The Doctor: Pity. No stars. I hoped there'd be stars...
The Doctor: Sontarans, perverting the course of human history! I don't want to go! When the Doctor… when the Doctor was me! When The Doctor was me. It's starting. I'm regenerating! [Regeneration energy starts to come out out of The Doctor's hands.] No, no, no, no, no, no! [The regeneration energy stops. The TARDIS lands.] Where have you taken me? If you're trying to prove a point, I'm not listening. I don't want to change again. Never again! I can't keep on being someone else! Whatever it is, I'm staying.
The Doctor: No! [he fights off his regeneration] I will not change!
The First Doctor: [in the distance] I will not change! I will not! No, no, no, no. The whole thing's ridiculous!
The Doctor: Hello! Is someone there?
The First Doctor: Who is that?
The Doctor: I'm the Doctor.
The First Doctor: [approaching] The Doctor? Oh, I don't think so. No, dear me, no. You may be a Doctor, but I am the Doctor. The original, you might say!

Twice Upon a Time [10.X]

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(25 December 2017)
The Captain: [as he takes in the TARDIS interior] Is this madness? Am I going mad?
The Doctor: Madness? Well, you're an officer from World War One at the South Pole being pursued by an alien through frozen time. Madness was never this good.
The Captain: World War One?
The Doctor: Judging by the uniform, yes.
The Captain: Yes, but what do you mean... "One"?
The Doctor: [realizing] Oh, sorry. Spoilers.
The Doctor: [to the First Doctor] You know who I am. You knew from the moment you saw me. I'd say "Stop being an idiot", but I kind of know what's coming.
The First Doctor: You… are me? No. No.
The Doctor: Yes. Yes, I'm very much afraid so.
The First Doctor: Do I… become… you?
The Doctor: Well, there's a few false starts, but you get there in the end.
The First Doctor: I thought…
The Doctor: What?
The First Doctor: Well, I assumed I'd get… younger.
The Doctor: I am younger!
The First Doctor: What's the matter?
The Doctor: I died a few hours ago and I refused to regenerate. Catches up with you, you know. It's like a big lunch.
The First Doctor: I did exactly the same.
The Doctor: I know you did, but why? I don't remember this. Why are you refusing the regeneration?
The First Doctor: Fear. I'm afraid. Very, very afraid. I don't normally admit that to anyone else.
The Doctor: Don't worry. Technically, you still haven't.
The Doctor: I adjusted the time frame, only by a couple of hours. Any other day, it wouldn't make any difference, but this is Christmas 1914... A human miracle is about to happen. The Christmas Armistice. It never happened again, any war, anywhere. But for one day, one Christmas, a very long time ago... everyone just put down their weapons... and started to sing. Everybody just stopped. Everyone... was just kind.
The First Doctor: You've saved him!
The Doctor: Both of them. Never hurts, a couple fewer dead people on the battlefield.
The First Doctor: So, that's what it means to be a Doctor of War...
The Doctor: You were right, you know. The universe generally fails to be a fairy tale... but that's where we come in!
The Doctor: Can't I ever have peace? Can't I rest?
Bill: Of course you can.
Nardole: It's your choice.
Bill: Only yours.
Nardole: We understand.
The Doctor: No. No, you don't You're not even really here. You're just memories, held in glass. Do you know how many of you I could fill? I would shatter you. My Testimony would shatter all of you. A life this long -- do you understand what it is? It's a battlefield, like this one. It's empty. Because everyone else has fallen. Thank you. Thank you both, for everything that you were to me. What happens now... Where I go now.. has to be alone.
The Doctor: [prior to regeneration] Oh, there it is, silly old universe. The more I save it, the more it needs saving. It's a treadmill. Yes, yes, I know, they'll get it all wrong without me. Well, I suppose one more lifetime won't kill anyone. Well, except me. You wait a moment, Doctor! Let's get it right. I've got a few things to say to you. Basic stuff first: never be cruel, never be cowardly, and never, ever eat pears! Remember, hate is always foolish, and love is always wise. Always try to be nice, but never fail to be kind. Oh, and you mustn't tell anyone your name. No one would understand it anyway… except… except children. Children can hear it, sometimes, if their hearts are in the right place, and the stars are too, children can hear your name. But nobody else. Nobody else, ever. Laugh hard. Run fast. Be kind. Doctor… I let you go.

Other appearances

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Minisodes

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Prologue [9.X]

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(11 September 2015)
Ohila: You are embarking on an enterprise that will end in your destruction.
The Doctor: You could say that of being born.

The Doctor's Meditation [9.X]

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(15 September 2015)
The Doctor: Look at this coin. You see it?
Bors: I see it.
The Doctor: [he waves his hands around] Where is it now?
Bors: [pointing to the correct hand] There.
The Doctor: No, it isn't.
Bors: Yes, it is. I saw it.
The Doctor: Are you sure? I'm really a very good magician.
Bors: What is it you dread?
The Doctor: Why would I dread anything?
Bors: You're always making jokes. You never sit still, like you're running in fear of days to come.
The Doctor: I thought you were an idiot.
Bors: I know. I thought that, too.
The Doctor: Good. I was worried I would have to break it to you.

Class

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For Tonight We Might Die [1.01]

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(22 October 2016)
Corakinus: We are here... for the Cabinet.
The Doctor: Oh, the Cabinet! Oh, that's easy. There's this painfully strange shop here called Ikea...

Doctor Who Experience

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The Doctor: [Regarding the Fifth Doctor's TARDIS Console Room] I do miss proper buttons. Everything's so swipey these days!

Big Finish Short Trips — Regeneration Impossible [10.5]

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(23 May 2020)
The Twelfth Doctor: Oh, what the hell? Guess I'm stuck with you... Hello, Doctor! I'm the Doctor, and I'm dying.
The Eleventh Doctor: You can't be the Doctor. I'm the Doctor. The last Doctor.
The Twelfth Doctor: Oh, are you? Oh, this is awkward. I'll just sit in the corner and not exist, shall I?
The Eleventh Doctor: Gallifrey... We saved Gallifrey!
The Twelfth Doctor: Oh, don't sound so pleased, they weren't happy about it.
The Eleventh Doctor: But they're all alive! We're not the last, we're not--!
The Twelfth Doctor: Almost as soon as we got back, Rassilon tried to have us shot. We're just as unwelcome as we've always been. So yes, no genocide, big tick! But don't expect any bunting.
The Eleventh Doctor: Why did he have to be old? Anything but old!
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