BoJack Horseman

Charlie Rose: In 1987, the situation comedy Horsin' Around premiered on ABC. The show, in which a young, bachelor horse is forced to reevaluate his priorities when he agrees to raise three human children, was initially dismissed by critics as "broad" and "saccharine" and "not good". But the family comedy struck a chord with America and went on to air for nine seasons. The star of Horsin' Around, BoJack Horseman, is our guest tonight. Welcome, BoJack.

BoJack: It is good to be here, Charlie. Sorry I was late. The traffic...

Charlie Rose: It's really no problem.

BoJack: I parked in a handicapped spot, I hope that's okay.

Charlie Rose: You parked in a—?

BoJack: I'm sorry, disabled spot. Is that the... proper... nomenclature?

Charlie Rose: Maybe you should move the car.

BoJack: No, I don't think I should drive right now. I'm-I'm incredibly drunk.

Charlie Rose: You're telling me that you're drunk right now?

BoJack: Is it just me, or am I nailing this interview? I kind of feel like I'm nailing it.

Charlie Rose: Yes. Anyway, we were talking about Horsin' Around. To what do you attribute the show's wide appeal?

BoJack: Charlie, listen, y'know, I know that it's very hip these days to shit all over Horsin' Around, but at the time, I can tell you— Is it okay to say "shit"?

Charlie Rose: Please don't.

BoJack: 'Cause I— I think the show's actually pretty solid for what it is. It's not Ibsen, sure—but look, for a lot of people, life is just one long, hard kick in the urethra. And sometimes, when you get home from a long day of getting kicked in the urethra, you just want to watch a show about good, likeable people who love each other. Where, y'know, no matter what happens, at the end of 30 minutes... everything's gonna turn out okay. Y'know, because in real life... Did I already say the thing about the urethra?

Charlie Rose: Well, let's talk about real life. What have you been doing since the show's cancellation eighteen years ago?

BoJack: That's a great question, Charlie. I, uh... Uh, I... [beat] Ummm...

Todd: Morning, sunshine! [BoJack groans] Why so gloomy, roomy?

BoJack: First of all, we're not roommates. You are my houseguest.

Todd: Well, we don't need to put labels on things.

BoJack: You sleep on my couch and you don't pay rent. I've had tapeworms that are less parasitic. I don't even remember why I let you stay with me in the first place.

Todd: Because my parents kicked me out and I had nowhere to go, and even though you don't want anyone to know it—

[BoJack turns on the blender for Todd to finish his sentence before turning it off]

Todd: ...you secretly have a good heart.

BoJack: You told me they didn't approve of your "alternative lifestyle". I thought you were, like, a troubled gay teen or something. I didn't realize by "alternative lifestyle" that you meant you were lazy.

Todd: That's on you for making assumptions. Also, if you're looking for the Toaster Strudels, I got really high last night and ate them all.

[BoJack groans and he shuts the compartment door]

Todd: Did you say you've had tapeworms?

BoJack: 'Neigh way, Jose!' I improvised that line. I mean, it was scripted, but I gave it the ol' BoJack spin.

Todd: Are you drunk?

BoJack: Todd, I weigh 1200 pounds. It takes a lot of beer to get me drunk... Yes.

Princess Carolyn: I don't know how you expect me to love you when you so clearly hate yourself.

BoJack: As my agent, do you think I'm getting fat?

Princess Carolyn: No way. You are in the prime of your life; you've never looked better!

BoJack: And as my ex-girlfriend?

Princess Carolyn: You look like a pile of crap ate a second pile of crap and then crapped out a third pile of crap.

BoJack: Wait, so, which pile of crap am I?

Princess Carolyn: The third one.

BoJack: What? That's the worst one!

Princess Carolyn: So, are you available for Tuesday, or are you gonna be too busy masturbating to old pictures of yourself?

BoJack: I told you, that's not what was happening that time. I was masturbating to what the picture represented! You walked in at the worst possible moment.

Mafia Boss: Señor Horseman, I will never forget your generosity today. You have made a powerful ally... for life! [smooches BoJack's cheek] Let's dance!

BoJack: Todd, who was that guy? Who are all these people?

Todd: Oh, you know, just a variety of folks from all walks of life.

BoJack: Is this a quinceañera?

Todd: Oh, so any party with Mexican teenage girls is a quinceañera. Now who's racist?

Diane: Do you know the story of the dad from The Brady Bunch?

BoJack: The dad from The Brady Bunch? As I recall, he was raising three boys of his own. They were four men living all together, but they were all alone. That is profoundly sad.

Diane: No, the story is that the guy who played the dad hated being on The Brady Bunch because he was a real actor, and he considered it beneath him. Sound familiar?

BoJack: That's not all that was beneath him! ...Gay joke. Sorry, I'm better than that.

Diane: Most people don't even get to do The Brady Bunch version of the thing they want to do with their lives. You're actually in a really good position now, because you can pretty much do anything you want. You're responsible for your own happiness, you know?

BoJack: Good Lord, that's depressing.

Diane: No, it's not.

BoJack: I'm responsible for my own happiness? I can't even be responsible for my own breakfast!

[In a flashback, BoJack is shown trying to pour cereal into a bowl. Only a few pieces come out at first, but then all of it comes out, overflowing onto the table.]

BoJack: [groaning] Todd! I need help!

BoJack: Excuse me. [walks to two girls and a chicken girl] I just wanted you to know that you ruined someone else's night tonight. And I hope you have enough decency to at least feel a little bit crappy about it.

Girl: Excuse me?

BoJack: I was actually already in a bad mood but I thought maybe for one night, I could go out to a bar and try to forget about myself. But now because of you and your friends, I feel more self-conscious than ever.

Girl: If we were bothering you so much, why didn't you just leave?

BoJack: Because I didn't think of that and now I feel stupid!

Girl: Look, I have a right to be here—

BoJack: NO!! [the chicken girl lays an egg] Maybe because you're skinny and maybe 'cause you're pretty, you're used to getting away with things! But I want you to know that your actions have an effect on others, and I hate you! And you are a horrible person! And you not understanding that you're a horrible person doesn't make you less of a horrible person.

Girl: [beat] You think I'm pretty?

Tom Jumbo-Grumbo: [live on MSNBSea] Our guest via satellite is Neal McBeal, a naval officer on leave from Afghanistan. Welcome to the program, Neal.

Neal McBeal: Thank you, Tom.

BoJack: Hey! I met this guy!

Tom: All Neal wanted when he got home, and I emphasize—from Afghanistan—was his favorite brand of breakfast muffins. But when he went to the supermarket and called dibs on the last box... Well, tell us what happened, Neal.

Neal: BoJack Horseman, from the '90s sitcom Horsin' Around, refused to respect my dibs.

Tom: Have you no shame, BoJack Horseman?! Seen here sneezing at a Christmas party?

BoJack: Oh, not the sneezing pic— Why do they always use the sneezing picture?!

Tom: In the '90s, we laughed at your antics. Oh, how we laughed. "Ha ha ha," we chortled in rapturous glee. But when you deny the dibs called by our men and women on the frontlines, that is a sick joke, sir. A sick, sick joke indeed. And you'll forgive me if I chortle no longer—for, to me, there is nothing the least bit funny about stealing a meal from Neal McBeal, the Navy SEAL. [blows out water]

Todd: Wait, wait, you stole muffins from a Navy SEAL?

BoJack: I didn't know he was a Navy SEAL! I just thought he was a regular kind of seal.

Neal: This is classic Hollywood elitism. BoJack Horseman thinks that because he was on TV, that makes him better than everybody. Well, guess what, BoJack! Now I'm on TV! So now I'm better than everybody!

Tom: That's right, Neal!

BoJack: You didn't even have dibs! You stupid sea cow!

Tom: Hold on. Just to clarify: since this morning, you've eaten all the muffins?

BoJack: Yes, I ate all the muffins, because I have no self-control and I hate myself.

Neal: I spent a year in Afghanistan making America safer, and this is the thanks I get?

BoJack: Really? You, specifically, made America safer?

Tom: Well, BoJack, surely, even you would agree that the troops are heroes.

BoJack: I don't agree to that. Maybe some of the troops are heroes, but not automatically. I'm sure a lot of the troops are jerks. Most people are jerks already, and it's not like giving a jerk a gun and telling him it's okay to kill people suddenly turns that jerk into a hero.

Tom: What? Did you just say that the troops are jerks?

BoJack: ...Oh, you took that the bad way, didn't you?

Princess Carolyn: BoJack, I'm gonna level with you, honey. This whole you-hating-the-troops thing is not great.

BoJack: I don't hate the troops, I just hate one specific troop. I don't even hate him, I just think he's wrong about the muffins.

Neal: Say it, BoJack. Say I'm a hero.

BoJack: You're a hero. The troops are all heroes, every single one.

Neal: Great.

BoJack: And I don't believe saying that cheapens the word and actually disrespects those we mean to honor by turning real people into political pawns. Also, I am not deeply ambivalent about a seemingly mandated celebration of our military by a nation that claims to value peace telling our children that violence is never the answer while refusing to hold our own government to the same standard. Furthermore, I do not find it unbelievably appropriate that this conversation is taking place on reality television, a genre which thrives on chopping the complexities of our era into easily digestible chunks of empty catchphrases.

BoJack: You know what the problem is with everybody? They all just want to hear what they already believe. No one ever wants to hear the truth.

Todd: The reason I have called this house meeting is because—

BoJack: Todd, how many times have we been over this? You don't have the authority to call house meetings. Only I can call a house meeting. You can propose a house meeting.

Todd: All right, fine, fine, fine, but the reason I propose this house meeting—

BoJack: Your proposal has been submitted and is under board review. *sips beer* Proposal denied.

Todd: BoJack, this Sarah Lynn thing is getting out of control, okay? She's taking advantage of you.

BoJack: What? No, she's not. We have a special relationship. You couldn't possibly understand.

Todd: Oh, my God, look at what she's done to your house! All right, look, I mean, I stepped on a needle earlier. I think I'm addicted to heroin now, so now that's probably gonna be a whole thing.

Diane: I have to say, I agree with Todd. You're not this girl's father and you're not doing her any favors by refusing to set boundaries.

BoJack: Look, I played a dad for nine years on TV, so I think I know a little bit more about parenting than you two jokers. The kids on Horsin' Around didn't need boundaries. All they needed was some good, old-fashioned love.

Todd: BoJack!! This is not a TV show, okay? This is real life! [a flaming lemur runs around the room]

Lemur: Lemur on fire!! Lemur on fire!! [crashes through wall; pan back to BoJack, Diane and Todd]

BoJack: Some good, old-fashioned love, and I'm gonna give it to her. I'm gonna give it to her so... hard. [leaves; Todd turns to Diane]

Todd: Y'know, I feel like we don't ever hang out.

BoJack: The most important thing is, you got to give the people what they want, even if it kills you, even if it empties you out until there's nothing left to empty. No matter what happens, no matter how much it hurts, you don't stop dancing, and you don't stop smiling, and you give those people what they want.

Sarah Lynn: America needs to know that I'm not that little girl anymore. I'm a grown up, sophisticated woman now, and I have sex, and I do sexy things. People like sex, okay? And since I'm sexy right now, they like me.

A Ryan Seacrest Type: Are you at all worried that audiences will grow bored and abandon you for the next sexy thing?

Sarah Lynn: Are you kidding? I'm Sarah-freaking-Lynn. I'm gonna be sexy forever!

Gloria Steinem, one of the leading lights of modern feminism. You will surely go down in the annals of history just as surely as Lisa Lampanelli will go down in the locker room of the Houston Rockets.

Zoë: My pumpkin's throwing up because Halloween encourages excessive consumption of refined sugar at a time when obesity rates are sky high. Plus, Halloween costumes are a gateway to casual racism.

Todd: [sing-song] Todd bless these scrambled eggs, eggs from the fridge, sunny side them and guide them—

BoJack's Voice: "Todd! Stop singing your dumb scrambled egg song!"

Todd: Who said that?

BoJack's Voice: "If you're wondering who said that, it's this note that you're reading. You're hearing my voice in your head because that's how reading works."

Todd: Oh, yeah.

BoJack's Voice: "As you might've noticed, Todd, I've left you home alone for the day, and frankly I already regret that decision. Here's what you need to do: nothing. Don't touch my stuff and don't make a mess. Pick me up at the airport tomorrow and until then: DON'T. DO. ANYTHING."

[Todd stays still for a long pause; he then sneezes himself with egg all over]

Todd: Well, seal's broken. Might as well enjoy myself.

Mr. Peanutbutter: [claps slowly] Well, you pulled it off, ya deviant. Get it? D-viant?

BoJack: I got it.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Tell me. How are you gonna complete your giant bracelet with the chain-link fence from Dodger Stadium?!

BoJack: No! [beat] How'd you figure out it was me?

Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, how did I figure it out? Well, I just followed the clues, used deduction, puzzle-solving, a little bit of forensics, and also, what did I do? Oh, I listened to the voicemail you left me saying you were stealing the D because of Diane so I could, and I quote, "Suck your D"!

BoJack: Stop leaving voicemails!

Mr. Peanutbutter: Admit it! You like my girlfriend!

BoJack: Oh, come on! I mean, am I attracted to her? Sure. Do my days feel better when I'm around her? Yeah. Does she get me in ways no woman ever has? Indubitably. Do I fantasize about her? Yes, but only in two positions. Look, am I the kind of guy who would try to steal someone else's girlfriend? Sure, of course, but do I like her? The answer's no. You have nothing to worry about.

Mr. Peanutbutter: I'll cut you a deal. I help you get rid of that D, and you never talk to Diane again.

BoJack: Well, I have to talk to her, 'cause she's writing my book.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Okay. But just don't pursue her romantically? [BoJack exchange hands]

BoJack: Deal.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Ha! I knew I'd get that handshake!

BoJack: I regret this already.

Princess Carolyn: You gotta get your shit together. So you took some licks, but you're gonna bounce back! Because you're talented, you're smart, and damn it, you're good! You are a goddamn American treasure, you know that? You are BoJack goddamn Horseman. So get the hell off my lawn!

BoJack: Ohh... Here I thought I was at the drive-through at Carl's Jr. How much did I have to drink last night?

Princess Carolyn: Last night? Oh, you've been on a bender for the last two weeks, ever since you found out Diane got engaged to Mr. Peanutbutter.

BoJack: Diane got engaged to Mr. Peanutbutter?! I need a drink.

Princess Carolyn: No! No more drinking! You've been out of control. [cutaway to BoJack hanging out with an old man at night]

BoJack: Princess Carolyn, look. I met John Stamos!

Princess Carolyn: That is not John Stamos! [next scene shows both of them by morning]

BoJack: Hey, Princess Carolyn! John Stamos and I got our ears pierced.

Princess Carolyn: That is not your ear! [next scene shows BoJack all by himself, upset]

BoJack: Princess Carolyn... John Stamos died! [on his knees, cries] Why? Why, God? Why did you take John Stamos?! [back to present] That doesn't sound so bad.

Princess Carolyn: Oh, I forgot to mention—you were naked for a lot of that. [cutaway to naked BoJack pounding the grass]

BoJack: Stamoooss!!

Princess Carolyn: Also, it wasn't here. It was at my office. [cutaway to naked BoJack crying at the office]

BoJack: We thought night swimming would be fun, but the current was too strong!

BoJack: Hey, I wanted to talk to you you about... you know... I feel bad... about... what happened.

Herb: So... you're apologizing?

BoJack: Yes. I'm sorry.

Herb: [casually] Okay. I don't forgive you.

BoJack: [genuinely shocked] Herb, I said I'm sorry.

Herb: Yeah, and I do not forgive you.

BoJack: Uh, not sure you get what's happening here? This could be the last time that you...

Herb: [interrupts angrily] No! (climbing out of bed and walking to BoJack) I'm not gonna give you closure. You don't get that! [coughs] You have to live with the shitty thing you did for the rest of your life. You have to know that it's never, ever going to be okay!

BoJack: [backing off] I really think that we'd both feel better if we'd just...

Herb: I'm dying! I'm not gonna feel better! And I'm not gonna be your prop so you can feel better! [coughs again]

BoJack: You have to believe me, I did everything I could.

Herb: Yeah? Then why didn't you call me, huh? Twenty years, and you didn't call me!

BoJack: L-look, I wanted to, but I didn't think that...

Herb: Do you know what it was like for me? I had nobody. Everybody left! I knew all those showbiz phonies would turn on me, sure, but you?

BoJack: It's not my fault you got fired.

Herb: I don't care about the job! I did fine. I had a good life. But what I needed then was... a friend. And you abandoned me. [walking back into bed] And I will never forgive you for that. Now get the fuck out of my house!

Herb: You know what your problem is? You want to think of yourself as the good guy. Well, I know you better than anyone, and I can tell you that you're not. In fact, you'd probably sleep a lot better at night if you just admitted to yourself that you're a selfish, goddamn coward who takes whatever he wants, and doesn't give a shit about who he hurts. That's you. That's BoJack Horseman.

BoJack: I don't know why I came here.

Herb: Yeah. You do.

BoJack: [sees Todd twirling car keys] Look who's not dead.

Todd: Uh, better than not dead—you were looking at Mr. Peanutbutter's driver.

BoJack: You're his driver? That's perfect! Now you can infiltrate Mr. Peanubutter's inner circle.

Todd: I don't know, BoJack.

BoJack: Sure, you'll act all friendly, gain his trust, chauffeur him around on his little errands to the groomer and whatnot, but all the while you'll be studying him, scouring out his weaknesses, biding your time till we're ready to strike. And once you zero in on his Achilles' heel, [grabs Todd menacingly] we will take him down.

Todd: Hooray... betrayal.

[BoJack turns to "Vincent Adultman" at the bar]

Vincent: Hi.

BoJack: So you're the quote-unquote "person singular" that everyone's so crazy about. What have you got figured out that I don't?

Vincent: Uumm... Adult stuff?

BoJack: Yeah, I'm not seeing it. But that doesn't matter. Not everything's about me. And maybe I am a little jealous. Not because I actually want to date Princess Carolyn anymore... but just because I don't like the idea that I can't. I guess I just assumed I always could. But I made a lot of bad decisions. Not just with her, with... [sighs] with everyone, really. [beat] You know, Princess Carolyn was right. You are a good listener.

Vincent: Thanks.

BoJack: You know, sometimes I feel like I was born with a leak, and any goodness I started with just slowly spilled out of me, and now it's all gone. And I'll never get it back in me. It's too late. [long beat] Life is a series of closing doors, isn't it? [Vincent tends to him with his broom hand]

Vincent: Don't be sad. [strokes him] Good horsey. [continues stroking his head]

BoJack: ..It actually feels kind of nice.

A Ryan Seacrest Type: [on Excess Hollywoo] I'm here with Hollywoo darling, Naomi Watts. Tell me, what attracted you to the role of Diane?

Naomi Watts: I just keep getting pigeonholed as these complex characters in highly acclaimed movies. For once, I would just love to phone it in and play a two-dimensional girl in a rom com with no inner life of her own. That's kind of the reason I got into this business.

A Ryan Seacrest Type: Ha ha! You said words! Now, is it true you stay in character between takes?

Watts: Oh, we all do. The director insists upon it. He even has everyone calling me Diane to help me get in the headspace. It's been great.

[cutaway to kitchen with Quentin Tarantulino and Diane]

Tarantulino: Diane! Lookin' good.

Diane: Um, thanks.

Tarantulino: Ugh, not you. I was talking to Diane. [referring to Watts]

Watts: Oh, thank you.

Tarantulino: Now, where's my peanut butter?

Mr. Peanutbutter: Right over here, Q.

Tarantulino: No, I'm looking for peanut butter.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, you mean BoJack?

Tarantulino: If I wanted BoJack, I would call BoJack. [Wallace Shawn comes in dressed as BoJack]

Wallace Shawn: Did someone call for BoJack? [cut back to Watts and Seacrest Type]

Watts: It really cuts down on confusion.

[BoJack runs to Diane on the rooftop, after she sent first few chapters on BuzzFeed]

BoJack: Uh, what the hell?!

Diane: I know, I know. But if you just listen for—

BoJack: You posted your dumb little book on the Internet?

Diane: No, I just leaked the first few chapters and people are already talking about it!

BoJack: This is wildly unprofessional. Who do you think you are?

Diane: I know you're mad and you have every right to be, but you gotta read some of these comments. [BoJack wheezes in anger] People love you! And they're gonna love you even more when they read the rest of my book!

BoJack: Your book?!

Diane: Our book.

BoJack: Nobody is gonna read that book. How do you still not get that? [stands up] It is never going to be published.

Diane: BoJack, [stands up] I stand by my work. This is a really good book. And if you just give it time, you'll see! [BoJack wheezes and takes a deep sigh]

BoJack: Maybe you're right.

Diane: Really?

BoJack: No. You're fired.

BoJack: [reads "Dr. Allen Hu" calling card] Oh, it's Hu, Dr. Hu!

Dr. Hu: That's right. Dr. Hu, Dr. Allen Hu.

BoJack: No, no, but I thought it was Who, like Doctor Who.

Dr. Hu: Yes, that's exactly what it's like.

BoJack: No, not H-U, but Who, like, "Hello? Who is it?"

Dr. Hu: Umm, I don't know. Who is it? [to Sarah Lynn] I'm s— I'm sorry, is this a joke? Is he telling a joke? 'Cause I just don't...

Sarah Lynn: Hard to tell. Sometimes I just laugh after he talks, so he'll leave me alone.

BoJack: Seriously? Am I the only one who knows the extremely popular BBC science-fiction show about the time travelling Doctor who saves civilisations?

Todd: Ah! Yeah, I know what you're talking about. Doctor Who!

Dr. Hu: Yes?

BoJack: No. Yes! Thank you, Doctor Who!

Dr. Hu: Yes?

Todd: I saw the one where she goes to the Wild West. The Cheyenne called her Medicine Woman.

BoJack: What? No, that's Dr. Quinn!

Todd: Who's Dr. Quinn?

Dr. Hu: I most certainly am not.

Sarah Lynn: Hu's not Dr. Quinn, Hu's Dr. Hu!

Todd: I don't know!

Hu/Sarah/Todd: Third base!

Sarah Lynn: Hey, this isn't fair! I don't have a gun!

BoJack: Sarah Lynn is right. You know, if we all had guns, then no one would need a gun, and we would all be safe. Oh my God, I think we just solved the gun crisis in America!

Todd: LET THEM EAT GUNS!

Dick Cavett: When we booked you for this show, you just won the Triple Crown. But then, just this week, I open up the newspaper and look at this. "Secretariat Under Investigation". What am I supposed to do with that?

Secretariat: Maybe it's a different Secretariat. [chuckles; audience laughs] No, but seriously, folks. There is no truth to these allegations. I have never bet on horse racing, and I certainly did not bet on my own races. Although I did bet the network's gonna give your show back to Joey Bishop.

Dick Cavett: [chuckles] Okay. We get letters here on the show, and one particular letter, for you, actually, struck a chord with our producers. This is from BoJack H. BoJack is nine years old. BoJack writes, "Dear Secretariat, I am a horse just like you. I like to watch racing, and you are my favorite racer."

Secretariat: Smart kid.

Dick Cavett: "When I grow up, I want to be just like you, and I think I'm on the right track. Get it? Track, because horses run on tracks, and you are a horse, and I am a horse. Do you get it? Do you get my joke about the track?" Okay, there's a whole page of this.

Secretariat: Should I write him back and tell him I get it?

Dick Cavett: He goes on, "My question for you is, I am a good kid and I like to play and I like to go to school, but sometimes I get sad. What do you do when you get sad? How do you not be sad? Sincerely, BoJack."

Secretariat: That's a great letter. BoJack, when I was your age, I got sad. A lot. Uh... I didn't come from such a great home, but one day, I started running and that seemed to make sense, so then I just kept running. BoJack, when you get sad, you run straight ahead a-and you keep running forward, no matter what. There are people in your life who are gonna try to hold you back, slow you down, but you don't let them. Don't you stop running and don't you ever look behind you. There's nothing for you behind you. All that exists is what's ahead.

[one month later]

Announcer 1: [via radio] "Good morning, Louisville! It's August 22nd, 1973."

[see Secretariat at the edge of the John F. Kennedy Memorial Bridge]

Announcer 2: "A sad day for the sport of horse racing. Secretariat banned for life from competition."

Announcer 1: "It's a disgrace is what it is! This is the '70s! You can't cheat in sports and get away with it."

Announcer 2: "You know, I think it just goes to show you—you can be the fastest runner in the world, but you can't outrun the truth."

[Secretariat walks off the edge and falls into the Ohio River]

Announcer 3: "And traffic is jammed today coming into Louisville. Looks like some idiot parked his car on the bridge."

[in his trailer, a lonesome BoJack picks up Beatrice's call on his phone listening to his inspirational audiobook]

BoJack: What do you want, Mom?

Beatrice: Look who finally decided to pick up the phone.

BoJack: Do you need more blood?

Beatrice: I don't need blood. I read your book, BoJack.

BoJack: [pause] Oh.

Beatrice: It takes a real narcissist to think anyone wants to buy a book about him. You know how I feel about Anne Frank.

BoJack: That was a diary.

Beatrice: I read the parts about me. The things I said to you. You must think I'm a real monster.

BoJack: Mom—

Beatrice: I don't want to fight you, BoJack. I just wanted to tell you that I know. I know you want to be happy, but you won't be, and... I'm sorry.

BoJack: What?

Beatrice: It's not just you, you know. Your father and I, we... well... you come by it honestly, the ugliness inside of you. You were born broken, that's your birthright. And now you can fill your life with projects... your books and your movies and your little girlfriends, but it won't make you whole. You're BoJack Horseman. There's no cure for that.

Diane: Ugh. The first time BoJack dates a woman his own age, she's basically just a stunted 20-year-old.

Kelsey: Well, BoJack's stunted, too. He got famous in his twenties, so he'll be in his twenties forever. After you get famous, you stop growing, you don't have to. Every celebrity has an age of stagnation.

Diane: I'm glad I never got famous. I mean, I did write a best-selling book, but I'm not famous-famous.

Kelsey: It doesn't just happen when you get famous. Your age of stagnation is when you stop growing. For most, it's when they get married, settle into a routine. You meet someone who loves you unconditionally and never challenges you or wants you to change, and then you never change.

Diane: But mostly it's just the famous people, right?

Princess Carolyn: [having a conversation with BoJack] Hey, do you know what you're supposed to do with our date pits? Why would you serve dates and not have a place to put the pits? You know, some people just have no class.

BoJack: What are you doing here? You didn't even know Herb.

Princess Carolyn: No, but I do know a hot ticket, and this funeral's a real whom's-whom. Henry Winkler, Jake and Maggot Gyllenhaal, [see Sarah Lynn quarrel over taking Malala Yousafzai's Nobel Prize] that Pakistani girl who keeps winning Nobel Prizes—I'm gonna go rub me some elbows.

BoJack: There's so much to hate about what you just said.

[BoJack, Sarah Lynn, Bradley and Joelle reunite in Herb's old bedroom]

BoJack: Hey, when was the last time all four of us were in the same room?

Joelle: Probably not since the show ended.

Bradley: Yeah, I left California pretty much right after. Now I got the biggest hardware store in Seattle! That's a lie. We're actually in Olympia.

Joelle: And I'm on the West End, playing Juliet's... nurse.

Sarah Lynn: And how are your kids?

Joelle: Oh, I don't have any kids.

Sarah Lynn: Oh, I just assumed you had a bunch of kids, 'cause, you know... your body?

BoJack: Come on, Sarah Lynn...

Joelle: I assumed you weren't still a massive cunt. [Sarah Lynn and Bradley cry out in shock]

BoJack: Jesus Christ, Joelle!

Joelle: That's an okay thing to say in England.

Sarah Lynn: Shove it up your ass with a spoonful of sugar, you supercalifragilisticexpiali-bitch!

Mr. Peanutbutter: Um... do you want to talk about what happened?

Diane Nguyen: What happened? No. I don't want to talk about what happened. I just want to clean up.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Okay.

Diane Nguyen: Why, what do you think happened?

Mr. Peanutbutter: I just...

Diane Nguyen: Because what I think happened is that BoJack's girlfriend asked what Tony Curtis was up to, and I said Tony Curtis died.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Uh...

Diane Nguyen: And you said, "Did he?"

Mr. Peanutbutter: Right, but...

Diane Nguyen: And I said, "Yes, he did." And you said "Really? I'm not sure about that."

Mr. Peanutbutter: Yeah.

Diane Nguyen: And I said, "Well I am." And you said, "I'm not so sure."

Mr. Peanutbutter: Uh huh.

Diane Nguyen: And I said, "I'm telling you, Tony Curtis is dead." And you said, "Let's check the internet!"

Mr. Peanutbutter: No, I know, but...

Diane Nguyen: And I said, "We don't need to check the internet, I'm telling you, he's dead." And you said, "Let's just check though."

[breaks plate in half]

Diane Nguyen: Is that what you think happened?

Mr. Peanutbutter: So, do you want to talk about it? Because it kind of feels like you want to talk about it.

BoJack: [meets Daniel Radcliffe] Hey, Daniel, good to see you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Always nice to meet a fan!

BoJack: No, I... sorry, I'm not a... I'm an actor.

Daniel: Oh, good for you! It's a dreadful business, but hang in there.

BoJack: No, I already did hang in there. I'm BoJack Horseman? We've actually met before. At Chris Martin's holiday party?

Daniel: [dubious] Hm?

BoJack: We stepped outside for a smoke? To get away from Chris Martin?

Daniel: Huh...

BoJack: You opened up about your fear of success? I gave you some advice? You said I was a true friend and you would never forget me?

Daniel: And you said your name was Chadwick Boseman?

BoJack: BoJack Horseman.

Daniel: Oh, I'm sorry. When you're as famous as I am, you meet so many people. [a shrivelled bird woman enters]

Bird Assistant: Sorry, we need you guys back on set.

Daniel: Hey! You were the second hairdresser's assistant on The Ellen Show about five years ago. Veronica, right?

Veronica: Yeah, that's right. [Daniel walks off with her]

Daniel: How was your mother's party in the end? [BoJack groans]

Mr. Peanutbutter: [to BoJack in the rain live on-show] All I ever wanted was to be your friend... and you treat me like a big joke. You think I don't notice? Why don't you like me?

BoJack: Mr. Peanutbutter—

Mr. Peanutbutter: No, tell me.

BoJack: ..Because... I'm jealous.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Ugh, of what? Diane?

BoJack: No. O-of everything. Everything comes so easy for you.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, and it doesn't for you? You're a millionaire movie star with a girlfriend who loves you, acting in your dream movie. What more do you want? What else could the universe possibly owe you?

BoJack: I... want to feel good about myself... the way you do. And I don't know how. I don't know if I can.

Daniel: [holds an umbrella] Whoa, guys, this is getting a little heavy, don't we think?

BoJack: I'm sorry, Mr. Peanutbutter. I can't tell you how sorry I am.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Wow, um... I don't know if I can forgive you. But I guess we'll find out right after this break!

Kelsey: BoJack, sit down. You've just been told your brother is dead and that it's your fault. But this moment is bigger than that. This is the moment that Secretariat stops running. Because this is the moment you realize something inside you is broken, and it can never be fixed. [beat] We got it.

BoJack: Really? I didn't cry.

Kelsey: You didn't have to.

BoJack: Hey, where's Kelsey?

Turtletaub: Oh, yeah, funny story. Turns out you two knuckleheads snuck out last night and got that shot I told you not to get for the scene that's not in the movie anymore. Uh, silly me, I didn't like that. So I fired her ass.

[Mr. Peanutbutter talks to Diane on the phone, unaware that she's crashing in BoJack's house]

Mr. Peanutbutter: Let me talk to one of the locals! I want to hear someone else talk about what a selfless hero my wife is!

Diane: Oh, uhh...

Mr. Peanutbutter: Aw, now come on!

Diane: [gets off the couch] Most of the refugees got their tongues cut out.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Find one with a tongue!

Diane: I don't think that's really--

Mr. Peanutbutter: Indulge me!

Diane: Okay... [in a softer voice] Hello... I am refugee from village.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Hey, what's your name, superstar?

Diane: [walks to the kitchen] Uh... my name is...

[Diane sees a Skørmpf blender, an eBain water bottle and a Biatelli coffee maker]

Diane: ..Coffee Maker? [slaps herself and grunts]

Mr. Peanutbutter: Ah, Kofi Makir? Am I pronouncing that right?

BoJack: Now, lucky me, I get to stay here and work on this movie that's going to ruin my career.

Wanda: Well, there's no reason to sulk about it.

Diane: Or, you could sulk about it.

BoJack: Diane does raise some good points.

Diane: Hey! There's a Cheez-It on the shelf! I knew I kept these things around for a reason.

Todd: [talks about joining Shenanigags] I want to become a Level Two, so I can finally achieve clarity on the main stage with the chosen ones.

Diane: Oh, shit, Todd's in a cult. [sticks a knife in a beer can, pulls tab and drinks the side]

Todd: What?! No! It's not a cult. It's just a dogmatic school of thought taught by a for-profit organization with the promise of social and professional opportunities. [Diane exhales]

BoJack: It's a cult, and I know what I'm talking about. I learned a little about cults during that year I was a Scientologist. 'Cause coincidentally during that year I happened to read a book about cults.

Diane: Well, why does anything matter, right? Love is an illusion, and happiness is fleeting, and there's no such thing as God, and all your favorite musicians beat their wives. Allegedly.

BoJack: [Todd trips into huge pile of beer cans] Boo! Party foul! You knocked over Bucking-can Palace.

Todd: Uh, sorry, I'll clean that up later.

BoJack: Listen to this guy, "clean it up later." He hasn't picked up his shit in years.

Diane: Pick up your shit, Todd!

Princess Carolyn: [on the phone] Hey, BoJack! What kind of pants are you wearing right now?

BoJack: What? The normal kind?

Princess Carolyn: Yeah? Are they comfy? A comfy pair of pants?

BoJack: I guess. Why?

Princess Carolyn: Oh, I was just wondering what kind of hit you're gonna take when the studio sues the pants off you for breach of contract.

BoJack: They're suing me? Also, are you wearing comfortable shoes? Because that was a long road to walk to get to that punchline.

Wanda: I can't be around someone who's just fuelled by bitterness and negativity.

BoJack: Well then, what are you doing here?

Wanda: What happened, BoJack?

BoJack: Same thing that always happens. You didn't know me. Then you fell in love with me. And now you know me.

Wanda: You know, it's funny. When you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.

BoJack: [talks to Diane about Mr. Peanutbutter] Why won't you go home?

Diane: I should. I know I should. I wish I could just go home right now and crawl into bed and not have to talk about anything or explain anything. He would just say, "How was your day?" And then he would say, "Hey, did you know the monorail was invented by George Monorail?" And I would say, "I don't think that's true." And he would say, "Well, if he didn't invent it, he certainly perfected it." And I wouldn't have to say "I'm sorry I left. I'm sorry I made things so difficult. I'm sorry I'm not the person I thought I was." I would just say, "My day was good." And he would say, "I love you." [BoJack pauses for a beat]

BoJack: You know the longer you keep lying to him, the harder it's gonna get.

BoJack: [after being caught in compromising positions with Penny] Charlotte, I'm so sorry! I--

Charlotte: Don't. Don't you dare. If you're not out of my driveway in thirty minutes, I will call the police. And if you ever try to contact me or my family again, I will fucking kill you.

BoJack: Oh, hey. You're still here.

Diane: Yep. Still here.

Diane: Idea for a new app: an undo button that can undo long amounts of time. Three months. A year. A life. One click and everything could just go back to the way it was.

BoJack: Thank you for that lovely song. But, I'm not a good person. In fact, this is the only good thing I've ever done. And I did it by accident. And it just goes to show you - life is just....ah, what am I saying? I don't have to tell you how hard life is. You're the ones with the dead parents.

Orphan: MY PARENTS ARE DEAD?!?!?

BoJack: No, no! not necessarily? Maybe they just didn't want you.

[orphan starts to cry]

BoJack: My point is, I don't understand how people live. It's amazing to me that people wake up every morning and say "Yeah! Another day! Let's do it!!" How do people do it? I don't know how.

Todd: Hey. I hope you find a way to be happy, BoJack. I really do.

BoJack: Yeah. Okay.

Todd: I can't leave. I need to take suggestions.

BoJack: Okay, well, here's a suggestion. Your name is Todd, you're twenty-four, you live on my couch, and you've always seen the good in me somehow. And now you've been brainwashed into thinking you belong here, but you don't. You belong back home. So if you're any kind of improviser, you'll take that suggestion, and you'll run with it.

BoJack: It was hashbrowns! Not pancakes. The first morning you stayed with me, you kept making them, and I kept eating them. And then I threw up in the pool and that made you throw up in the pool. And then I got mad at you for throwing up in my pool, but you said "I'll clean it up."

Todd: And did I clean it up?

BoJack: No. You didn't. I had to call the pool cleaner.

Todd: [chuckles]

BoJack: And you said "Thank you for letting me stay here, I don't have anywhere else to go." And I remember when you said that. I don't have anywhere else to go because I felt good about myself. And I... and I don't feel that way a lot. Letting you stay with me was the best thing I ever did on purpose. And I don't think I ever told you that, but I should have. Because you're my best friend, Todd.

Jogging Baboon: It gets easier.

BoJack: Huh?

Jogging Baboon: Everyday, it gets a little easier.

BoJack: Yeah?

Jogging Baboon: But you gotta do it everyday. That's the hard part. But it does get easier. [jogs away]

BoJack: [to himself] Okay.

J.D. Salinger: I'm taking the show off the air.

Pinky: Wait, what? Why!?

J.D. Salinger: I've told the story I wanted to tell. To prolong it for commercial reasons would be crass and inorganic. At long last, the public knows what Hollywoo stars and celebrities know and what they don't know. Did they know things? We found out.

Pinky: My wife was right about me. I am no Christopher-from-the-Tesla-dealership.

Jill Pill: It's a symbol for rebirth!

BoJack: I'm not interested in being rebirthed, thank you. I'm still recovering from being birthed the first time.

BoJack: I don't know if I should win an Oscar. I don't know if I want to.

Ana: Stop punishing yourself.

BoJack: I'm not in the movie. I was in New Mexico.

Ana: None of that matters. All that matters now is the story. And we get to decide what our story is. Nobody else gets to tell you what your story is.

BoJack: What's my story?

Ana: I'll tell you. This has been your dream for the last thirty years. You made it happen. An Oscar won't make you happy forever, it won't solve all your problems. You win that Oscar, the next day you go back to being you. But that night is a really good night. I think you deserve a really good night, and I know how to get you there. Do you want that?

BoJack: Yes. I do.

Ana: Go in there. Introduce your movie. Tell your story.

Marv: She kissed a girl? And she liked it? This, I gotta see.

Princess Carolyn: I'm done. That's it. I'm tired of bending over backwards for you anymore.

BoJack: I mean this in all seriousness. Professionally or in bed?

Princess Carolyn: BoJack, you are amazing. You're bright and you're funny and you're handsome and you're talented. But if you can't see that, then you're the biggest, dumbest piece of shit in the world.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Wow, you're really in sync with this Justin guy! You should do all the things with him that I can't do like! Like eat chocolate or enjoy fireworks, or watch tennis. Why, tennis makes me so mad!! Why doesn't anyone catch the ball!?

BoJack: Cuddlywhiskers, let's give ourselves one night to stick our dick in this script and go balls-deep in the universe.

Cuddlywhiskers: I'm in.

Goober: These orcas have the floppiest dorsal fins in town! And they can't wait to jump through hoops for you and your kids! Bring your prepubescent daughters, who are just beginning to be cognizant of a woman's role in the world. They won't internalize deeply problematic notions about the commodifications of sexuality in today's society! What are you talking about? It's just whales!

Ana: Diane, you'll keep up his internet presence? I want him trending by this afternoon. But good trending, not bad trending, you understand?

Diane: Hashtag you betcha. Oh God, did I just say hashtag out loud? Hashtag, oops. Hashtag, oh no!

Ana: I'm honestly more alarmed by the "you betcha."

'Princess Carolyn: First things first! Don't go back in the house.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Sadly, you can call me LL Cool J because I am in the house.

Princess Carolyn: It smells like a skunk skunked a skunk and then smoked a joint! What happened?

Mr. Peanutbutter: Well, first I rolled all over the couch to get the skunk stench out, but that did not work. So then I ran into every room to rub myself on all my clothes and belongings, you know, to get the Mr. Peanutbutter scent back.

Todd: And then I smoked a joint.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Diane, where the hell are you?

Diane: Ojai.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Oh, hi? You've been gone all night and all you have to say is "oh, hi?"

Cuddlywhiskers: Sometimes, you need to take responsibility for your own happiness.

Diane: You don't think that's a little selfish?

Cuddlywhiskers: I don't know what to tell you. I'm happy, for the first time in my life. And I'm not gonna feel bad about it. It takes a long time to realize how truly miserable you are, and even longer to see that it doesn't have to be that way.

BoJack: [talks to Ana on the phone] Why do I have to go to this thing?

Ana: If we want to be a legitimate awards contender, Secretariat needs to make an appearance at a big festival.

BoJack: I can't just go to Cannes?

Ana: You Cannes not. Apparently, the French people do not care for you ever since you said that thing about them in the press.

BoJack: Hey, I stand by my critique of Sartre. His philosophical arguments helped many tyrannical regimes justify overt cruelty. Also, the French smell and I hate them.

Ana: And you can't go to Sundance because Robert Redford hates you.

BoJack: Someone had to tell him The Horse Whisperer was offensive. Sorry, but real horses don't just do whatever someone says.

Ana: And that's why you need to go to this festival.

BoJack: [sighs] If you say so.

BoJack: [written words] "Kelsey, in this terrifying world, all we have are the connections that we make. I'm sorry I got you fired. I'm sorry I never called you after."

BoJack: [after realizing that he could have let his voice be heard underwater by pressing a button on his helmet] Oh, you have got to be kiddi--!

[cut to credits]

Bojack: [convincing Tenisha in the bathroom] Nobody completes anybody. That's not a real thing. If you're lucky enough to find someone you can halfway tolerate, you sink your nails in and you don't let go. No matter what.

Tenisha: So what? I should just... settle?

Bojack: Yes. Thank you. Exactly. Settle. Because otherwise you are just going to get older, and harder, and more alone. And you're going to do everything you can to fill that hole, with friends, and your career, and meaningless sex. But the hole doesn't get filled. And one day, you're gonna look around and you're gonna realize, that everybody loves you...but nobody likes you. And that is the loneliest feeling in the world.

Diane: [after falling down and breaking her wrist] Ow! Drugs, I thought we were friends!

[Excerpt of Get Dat Fetus Kill Dat Fetus seen in episode]

I'm a baby killer

Baby killing makes me horny

Alien's inside me

I'm gonna squash it like Sigourney

Girl in waiting room: Sextina's music makes me feel strong, like I can do anything.

Diane: It doesn't offend you? What about the part where she says, "I hope and pray to God my little fetus has a soul / 'cause I want it to feel pain when I eject it from my hole"?

Girl: It's a joke. You get that it's a joke, right?

Diane: Well, obviously.

Girl: Do you think she actually wants to shoot her fetus with a gun?

The closer: There is something intimate about watching a person be herself...

Vanessa Gekko: What's that I hear? Beep, beep. Someone's calling on the other line. That's strange. Hello? Oh, it's Oodles of Money calling. Will we accept the charges?

Rutabaga: Why would Oodles of Money be calling collect?

Vanessa Gekko: I don't know but do not accept the charges. We cannot afford it.

BoJack: Hold on. if this is a real thing, why would he call you and not me?

Sara Lynn: Who knows? Why do people do anything? Why did I make the cartoon tree grandma from Pocahontas my emergency contact?

Todd: Turns out there's a huge market for a safe space for women!

Mr. Peanutbutter: Who knew?

Captain Peanutbutter: Look at those children. Little miracles, right?

Diane: They're adorable. Not that I value them based on their looks! Because, of course, children in society today are often reduced to their cuteness. I can't wait to get to know your children as people, so I can specifically compliment them individually on the foundation of their characters.

Mr. Peanutbutter: He's probably just razzin' ya. But he's a good dog. All bark, no bite. Oh, sorry! That's a labrador expression. I guess in human terms it would be: he's all talk, no shooting you with an assault rifle.

Diane: Is that what you think humans do?

Mr. Peanutbutter: Am I wrong?

BoJack: You gotta get me out of this thing. This asshole is giving me everything I ask for. What a nightmare.

BoJack: I figured you never wanted to see me again.

Kelsey: I never want to see anyone again.

Kelsey: Are you just gonna do stupid bullshit for the rest of your life?

BoJack: You mean like for work or, like, in general?

Captain Peanutbutter: Diane, do you ever look up at the stars and feel like they're tiny holes in the sky, sucking out all the oxygen and suddenly you can't breathe because you're thinking about how small you are and meaningless it all is?

Diane: Uh... I guess?

BoJack: I do love you by the way, I mean as much as I'm capable of loving anyone, which is never enough.

BoJack: Todd, I'm sorry, alright? I screwed up, I-I know I screwed up, I...

Todd: Oh, great, of course! Here it comes! You can't keep doing this! You can't keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay! You need to be better!

BoJack: I know, and I'm sorry, okay? I was drunk and there was all this pressure with the Oscar campaign, but now that it's over, I- I- I--

Todd: [more calmly] No. No, BoJack, just... stop. You are all the things that are wrong with you. It's not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that happened to you in your career, or when you were a kid, it's you. Alright? It's you. ... (dejectedly) Fuck, man. What else is there to say?

Sarah Lynn: I'm with you, man. Everything sucks! Especially sobriety. Why would I make my body a temple? I've been to temple. Temple is super-boring.

Sarah Lynn: Let's get higher than a stilt-walker's dick!

Ana Spanikopita: After I almost drowned, I decided I would never again be weaker than water. So I became a lifeguard. On my first day of training, my instructor told me that there are going to be times when you'll see someone in trouble. You're going to want to rush in there and do whatever you can to save them. But you have to stop yourself. Because there are some people you can't save. Because those people will thrash and struggle, and try to take you down with them.

[beat]

BoJack: What does that have to do with me?

Sarah Lynn: [slumping over onto BoJack's shoulder] I wanna be an architect...

Planetarium Narrator (Neil deGrasse Tyson): Be it horse, cat, human or even lizard, our lives are but the briefest flashes in a universe that is billions of years old.

BoJack: See, Sarah Lynn? We're not doomed. In the great grand scheme of things, we're just tiny specks that will one day be forgotten. So it doesn't matter what we did in the past or how we'll be remembered, the only thing that matters is right now, this moment. This one spectacular moment we are sharing together. Right, Sarah Lynn? [she doesn't respond] Sarah Lynn? [cut to black, stopping all music and sound] Sarah Lynn?

BoJack: The funeral [for Sarah Lynn] was huge. There was so many people there. I kept thinking "I did this to her." And everyone was just standing around like "Well, this was bound to happen." But... it wasn't bound to happen.

Diane: I'm really sorry BoJack.

BoJack: I don't know how to be, Diane. It doesn't get better and it doesn't get easier. I can't keep lying to myself, saying that I'm going to change. I'm poison.

Diane: BoJack...

BoJack: I come from poison. I have poison inside me, and I destroy everything I touch. That's my legacy. I have nothing to show for the life that I've lived, and I have nobody in my life who's better off for having known me.

Emily: Todd, can I ask you something?

Todd: Of course.

Emily: What's your deal? I feel like you like me but you don't like me, but you like me, and I don't know what that is. Are you gay?

Todd: Woah. Why would you even--

Emily: You can tell me if you're gay. It's fine. This isn't the 1600s or some places in the present.

Todd: I'm not gay. I mean, I don't think I am, but... I don't think I'm straight, either. I don't know what I am. I think I might be nothing.

Emily: Oh. Well, that's okay.

Todd: Yeah?

Emily: Yeah, of course.

Joseph Sugarman: Believe it or not, time's arrow neither stands still nor reverses. It merely marches forward.

BoJack: I wouldn't want to be my daughter either.

Todd: BoJack...

BoJack: I mean, look what I do to the people I'm supposed to care about. I had sex with the one person I've ever seen you fall in love with!

Todd: I guess they're not gonna put you in the Best Friends Hall of Fame, but... I don't know that I loved her. You know, I don't think I'm allowed to be in love.

BoJack: Don't say that. You do so much for everybody, and all you ever asked for was a roof over your head and the occasional s'more in a baguette.

Todd: I'm telling you, it's a million dollar idea!

BoJack: I got more of you than I ever deserved. If you never talk to me again, I just want you to know I appreciate it. And... I appreciate you.

Todd: Thanks.

Todd: I think I'm... asexual.

BoJack: A sexual what? Dynamo? Deviant...

Todd: No. Asexual. Not sexual.

BoJack: Oh.

Todd: I'm sure you think that's weird...

BoJack: Are you kidding? That's amazing! Something I wish I was asexual. Maybe then I wouldn't have a strain of herpes!

Todd: You have-

BoJack: I know I have multiple strains, it was just for the joke.

Todd: It's actually feels nice to finally say it out loud... I'm an asexual person. I'm asexual.

Todd: Welcome back, BoJack. It's good to see you.

Hollyhock: I know this must be painful for you.

BoJack: Not painful, boring. This place sucks. And if I'm not even getting credit for coming here, what's the point?

Hollyhock: If only there was some way for her to connect the BoJack from the show with the BoJack who visits her every week...

BoJack: Yeah. Too bad we can't... or can we!?

Hollyhock: Can we what?

BoJack: Put on a live episode of Horsin' Around in the nursing home! Yeah, yah! Good thinking, Hollyhock!

Hollyhock: Umm...

BoJack: We'll do Horsin' Around here at the home! She'll love it, cuz it's her son BoJack!

Hollyhock: [sitting on a bench] Okay...

BoJack: And then after the show, I- I'll come out and say hello, and she'll say "BoJack? Is that you?" And when her eyes spark with recognition, [sits down with Hollyhock] I'm gonna sit down next to her, I'm gonna squeeze her hand [puts his hand on Hollyhock's], and get real close and say... "Fuck you, Mom!"

BoJack: [thinking while waking up] Piece of shit. Stupid piece of shit. You're a real stupid piece of shit. But I know I'm a piece of shit. That at least makes me better than all the pieces of shit who don't know they're pieces of shit. Or is it worse? Breakfast. [cut to BoJack taking his pills] Oh, I don't deserve breakfast. Shut up. Don't feel sorry for yourself. What does that do? Get breakfast, you stupid fat-ass. [cut to BoJack sitting at the table eating cookies] These are cookies. This is not breakfast. You are eating cookies. Stop it! Stop eating cookies and go make yourself breakfast! Stop it! [BoJack takes another cookie] Don't eat one more cookie! Put that cookie down! Do not eat that cookie! [BoJack bites into the cookie] I can't believe you ate that cookie!

BoJack: [thinking to himself] Go talk to her, idiot. Drink first... No, you stupid alcoholic. Talk to your daughter. You're ruining her. You know that, right? No matter what, your poison is already in her. There's nothing you can do. "That's not true!" Yeah, it is, you stupid piece of shit! You're a real stupid piece of shit, and everywhere you go you destroy people! Of course your mother never loved you, what did you expect? That's why Sarah Lynn died! That's why Charlotte will never forgive you! What are you gonna do to Hollyhock!? What are you gonna do, asshole!? SHUT UP!!!

BoJack: [thinking to himself] You screw-up. You're making your daughter hate you. Which is... good, because look what happens when people love you! Look at Penny! And Herb! And Sarah Lynn! It's because you made them love you, BoJack.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Why are we at a bar?

BoJack: We're just celebrating getting Doll back!

Mr. Peanutbutter: You don't wanna bring the doll back to your mom?

BoJack: I will! We're just having a drink first! Relax!

Mr. Peanutbutter: Okay...

BoJack: [thinking to himself] He knows you're terrible. He's the biggest idiot in the world and even HE knows you're terrible!

Mr. Peanutbutter: So when did you get a daughter? She's new, right? Or was she always part of the gang?

BoJack: I met her about a month ago.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Whoa!

BoJack: Yeah. And it was great at first. But now I feel her getting attached, and I just know I'm gonna BoJack things up.

Mr. Peanutbutter: "BoJack things up"? You mean, show up somewhere and be the life of the party? And then share a laugh with your good friend Mr. Peanutbutter?

BoJack: No, obviously I meant screw everything up until she hates me. I don't think I can take that.

Mr. Peanutbutter: Well, maybe this time, don't do the thing that makes her hate you.

BoJack: I don't want to, but every time she looks at me with those big innocent eyes, all I can think about is every shitty thing I've ever done, and I think, "I don't deserve that kind of love".

Mr. Peanutbutter: Look, BoJack. I don't know a lot about balancing a state budget, or how a bill becomes a law.

BoJack: Uh...

Mr. Peanutbutter: I don't know a lot about a lot of things! But I do know this: everybody deserves to be loved.

BoJack: If I'm shitty, that's just because I'm shitty. You're allowed to be mad at me, but you need to know that whatever I do, it's not your fault.

Hollyhock: I know. I mean, I know, but I don't always know, you know? Like, sometimes I have this tiny voice in the back of my head that goes, like, "Hey, everyone hates you! And they're not wrong to feel that way!"

BoJack: I know what you mean.

Hollyhock: That voice, the one that tells you you're worthless and stupid and ugly?

BoJack: Yeah?

Hollyhock: It goes away, right? It's just, like, a dumb teenage-girl thing, but then it goes away?

BoJack: [smiling in spite of himself] Yeah.

BoJack: Remind me what this show is? I mean, I know, but...remind me?

Felicity Huffman: Felicity Huffman's Booty Academy. It was supposed to be Felicity Huffman's Future Leaders of America but it got retooled a little by the network.

BoJack: So are we judging who has the best booty?

Felicity Huffman: Whoa, BoJack, no. That is so degrading!

BoJack: So if it's not about their butts, then why is the other judge Sir Mix-A-Lot?

Sir Mix-A-Lot: Because I'm an honest and impartial judge. And if there's one thing I'm famous for, it's that I CANNOT lie.

BoJack: Yeah, I guess that would be the one thing.

Princess Carolyn: You wanna know what I do when I have a really horrible, awful, bad day?

BoJack: What?

Princess Carolyn: I imagine my great-great-great granddaughter in the future talking to her class about me. She's poised and funny, and tells people about me and how everything worked out in the end. And when I think about that, I think about how everything's going to work out. Because how else could she tell people?

BoJack: But it's...fake.

Princess Carolyn: Yeah, well...it makes me feel better.

BoJack: How did I not see it? All this time, I thought you were a terrible parent. And you were. But I blew it even worse. It turns out being a parent is... impossible. So I guess I can't be that mad at you.

Beatrice: Mad at me!? No, Henrietta, this is the right thing. You'll see.

BoJack: Maybe we deserve each other.

Beatrice: Ah! Where is the girl? I made the girl coffee.

BoJack: Jesus. You two and your coffee. [coming to a realization] Wait. No!..

[he runs to the coffee pot, shoving his way past Beatrice]

BoJack: What did you put in this!?

Beatrice: That's an old family secret.

[he opens a cabinet, finds a bag of coffee beans, and takes out a container reading Chub-B-Gone]

BoJack: Chub-B-Gone?

Beatrice: Picks the pounds right off!

BoJack: This whole time!

Beatrice: Just until she learned to take it herself.

BoJack: [slamming the container down onto the counter] Of course it was you!

Beatrice: Henrietta!!

BoJack: No!! All this "I don't know where I am who my son stuff is" is officially not cute anymore! You ruined the one good thing I had! The one thing I didn't ruin myself! But of course I did! Because I thought it was a good idea to give you one more chance!

Beatrice: [confused] Where is Crackerjack?

BoJack: Stop! You are out of chances!

BoJack: Sartre was wrong. Physical pain is so much worse than prolonged emotional distress. What a hack!

BoJack: My Dad died about ten years ago of injuries he sustained during a duel. When your father dies, you ask yourself a lot of questions. Questions like, "Wait, did you say he died in a duel?" and "Who dies in a duel?". The whole thing was so stupid. Dad spent his entire life writing this book, but he couldn't get any stores to carry it, or any newspapers to review it. Finally, I guess this one newspaper thought he was pretty hilarious, because they ran a review and tore him to shreds. So, my father, ever the Proud Mary, decides he would not stand for this besmirchment of his honor. He claimed the critic didn't understand what it meant to be a man, so he demanded satisfaction in the form of pistols at dawn. He wrote the paper this letter, saying anyone who didn't like his book, he would challenge to a duel, anyone in the world. He'd even pay for airfare to San Francisco and a night in a hotel. Well, eventually this found its way to some kook in Montana, who was a batshit as he was and took him up on the offer. They met at Golden Gate Park and agreed ten paces, then shoot. But in the middle of the ten paces, Dad turned to ask the guy if he's actually read the book and what he thought, but not looking where he was going, tripped over an exposed root and bashed his head on a rock.

----

BoJack: The weird thing about both your parents being dead is it means that you're next. I mean, you know, obviously it's not like there's a wait list for dying. Any one of us could get run over by a Snapchatting teen at any moment. And you would think that knowing that would make us more adventurous, and kind, and forgiving. But it makes us small, and stupid, and petty. I actually had a near-death experience, recently. A stunt went bad and I fell off a building. I'm an actor. I do my own stunts. I'm on this new show, "Philbert". I'm Philbert. Star of the show. It hasn't come out yet, but it's already getting Emmy buzz. Oh, speaking of buzz [inhales, takes out a container of pills] I've to take two of these every morning, but my days are so screwed up 'cause of the shooting schedule, I don't even know what morning means anymore. There's a joke in there somewhere, about a guy who's been to so many funerals, he doesn't even know what mourning means anymore. Let you guys figure that one out for yourselves. [gulps down the pills] Anyway, you know what I thought when I was falling off the building and I went into panic mode? The last thing that my stupid brain could come up with before I died? "Won't they be sorry." Cool thought, brain.

----BoJack: You know what it's like? It's like that show Becker, you know, with Ted Danson? I watched the entire run of that show, hoping that it would get better, and it never did. It had all the right pieces, but it just-- it couldn't put them together. And when it got canceled, I was really bummed out, not because I liked the show, but because I knew it could be so much better, and now it never would be. And that's what losing a parent is like. It's like Becker. Suddenly, you realize you'll never have the good relationship you wanted, and as long as they were alive, even though you'd never admit it, part of you, the stupidest goddamn part of you, was still holding on to that chance. And you didn't even realize it until that chance went away. "My mother is dead, and everything is worse now." Because now I know I will never have a mother who looks at me from across the room and says, "BoJack Horseman, I see you." But I guess to good to know. It's good to know that there is nobody looking out for me, that there never was, and there never will be. No, it's good to know that I am the only one that I can depend on. And I know that now and it's good. It's good that I know that. So... it's good that my mother is dead. [gulps and then sighs] Well. No point beating a dead horse. Beatrice Horseman was born in 1938, and she died in 2018, and I have no idea... what she wanted. [beat] Unless she just wanted what we all want... to be seen. [He walks over to the casket, opens it, and gets a shocked look on his face. He takes a piece of paper out of his pocket and looks at it and then his audience, a group of geckos.] Is this Funeral Parlor B? ----

Gina: [after a drug-addled BoJack strangles and almost kills her] What the fuck is wrong with you!?

Stefani: Diane! What have you been up to? Tell me everything.

Diane: Actually, I've been working on a book of essays...

Stefani: Okay, I was obviously asking to be polite, and it's very rude of you to assume that I care. I have news that's actually interesting...

Stefani: You know what your problem is? You hold everyone to an impossible standard, including yourself. It's super helpful for writing hot-take shakedowns, and clickbait take-downs, but totally toxic for your personal life and internalized sense of self-worth, girl.

Diane: But shouldn't we be asking more of ourselves - and of the people in our lives?

Stefani: Of course. But we all fail, Diane. The world is unforgiving enough as it is. The least we could do is find ways to forgive each other and ourselves.

Diane: Well, then maybe we should be more forgiving in our content, and maybe not publish so many take-downs?

Stefani: [looks at her with condescending amusement] Oh, Diane.

Biscuits Braxby: Over these last two nights, you’ve drawn an outline of a person. A person who doesn’t think about others, a person who puts his own needs first. And over and over, other people get hurt, not necessarily because he means to hurt them, but because he just doesn’t care. This person I’m describing, is it a different person, or is it you?

BoJack: [pause] Yeah. It’s me.

Secretariat: The weak breeze whispers nothing, the water screams sublime. His feet shift teeter-totter. Deep breath, stand back, it's time. Toes untouch the overpass, soon he's water bound. Eyes locked shut but peek to see the view from halfway down. [the white door draws closer.] I'm not done. Hold on, I'm not done. I'm not done. A little wind, a summer sun. A river rich and regal. A flood of fond endorphins brings a calm that knows no equal. You're flying now. You see things much more clear than from the ground. It's all okay, it would be, were you not now halfway down. Thrash to break from gravity, what now could slow the drop? All I'd give for toes to touch the safety back at top. [the white door continues to draw closer.'] I changed my mind. I change my mind, I don't wanna-

Herb: It's okay.

Secretariat: But this is it, the deed is done, silence drowns the sound. Before I leaped I should have seen the view from halfway down! [the white door draws closer and closer to Secretariat, sending him into a state of panic as he struggles to finish his poem.] No! I really should have thought about the view from halfway down!

Herb: Find your peace, big guy. Find it.

Secretariat: I wish I could have known about the view from halfway dooown! [the white door appears right behind Secretariat as he tumbles into the void inside.]

Mr. Peanutbutter: Besides, I'm really trying to focus on myself right now. One day in therapy, I just blurted out: "Is my problem with women, any movie directed by Christopher Nolan? Because yes, women are involved, but it's never really about the women. It's about me.

BoJack: That's actually somewhat astute.

Mr. Peanutbutter: It occured to me: Are my self destructive patterns and unexamined cycles of co-dependency the popular Jim Carrey character 'The Mask'? Because 'Somebody stop me!'.

BoJack: Are all of your breakthroughs phrased like that?

Mr. Peanutbutter: Um, are all of my breakthroughs a British Prog-Rock Band from the 70s? Because 'Yes'.

----

BoJack: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do? Life's a bitch and then you die, right?

Diane: Sometimes. Sometimes life's a bitch and then you keep living.

BoJack: Yeah.

Diane: But it's the nice night, huh?

BoJack: Yeah. This is nice.

• Will Arnett – BoJack Horseman
• Amy Sedaris – Princess Carolyn
• Alison Brie – Diane Nguyen
• Paul F. Tompkins – Mr. Peanutbutter
• Aaron Paul – Todd Chavez

 

Wikipedia has an article about:

BoJack Horseman

• BoJack Horseman at Netflix
• BoJack Horseman quotes at the Internet Movie Database
• BoJack Horseman
• BoJack Horseman Life-changing Quotes