Talk:Arthur Morgan/GA1

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Reviewer: Cognissonance (talk · contribs) 00:26, 18 April 2020 (UTC)Reply

I'll get to this as soon as possible. Cognissonance (talk) 00:26, 18 April 2020 (UTC)Reply

• "Western, Midwestern and Southern United States" — Add Oxford comma, per previous use.
• "He is portrayed by Roger Clark, who provided the character's performance capture" — For flow, follow "who" with "also" and, to avoid repetition, remove "character's".
• "decided that the player would control one character" — Avoid repetition: "decided that there would be one character to control".
• "in order to follow the character" — Replace "the character" with "Arthur".
• "They felt that a single character felt more appropriate" — Avoid repetition: "They felt that this was more appropriate". Subject is already raised in the previous sentence.
• "Clark wanted to portray the character" — Avoid repetition: "Clark wanted to present Arthur".
• "who also played John Marston" — "also" is not needed here.
• "the game's world" — "game's" is not needed here, the relation to the game is easily implied.
• "For his work on the game" — "on the game" is not needed here.
• "Clark received" — Avoid repetition: "Clark accrued".

• "The development team at Rockstar Games decided that the player would control one character in Red Dead Redemption 2, as opposed to the three protagonists in Rockstar's previous title Grand Theft Auto V (2013), in order to follow the character more personally and understand how the events impact him. They felt that a single character felt more appropriate for the narrative structure of a Western" — This must be rewritten to be more distinct from the lead.
• "Producer Rob Nelson felt that the decision to limit to one protagonist shaped the other creative decisions of development" — Unnecessary information, remove.
• "The conversations and sense of life within the gang environment was" — "were".
• "exploration of the lives of two of the game's playable characters while the player was controlling the other one" — Convoluted, needs to be simplified: "exploration of the dynamic lives of its uncontrolled playable characters".
• "Rockstar wanted to grant agency to the player when experiencing the story of Arthur Morgan; writer Michael Unsworth noted that Arthur is neither controlled by the storytellers or by the player, but consists of "a delicate push and pull between the two"" — This strikes me as an esoteric take with little to no factual value. Strongly suggest removal.
• "The team attempted to give the player more freedom with Arthur's relationship with other characters; when the narrative begins, Arthur has already formed relationships with the other gang members, so the team aimed to develop them in a way for the player to respond appropriately" — There is no indication of what is referred to as appropriate or the way in which characters were developed. This part doesn't just repeat "with", "team", "player", and "relationship", it also repeats the vague information that is trying to be conveyed. Remove.
• "Roger Clark portrayed Arthur in the game. His work was recorded using performance capture, involving simultaneous recording of movement and voice; a small part of his performance was recorded in a voiceover booth" — Avoid repetition and improve prose: "Actor Roger Clark portrayed Arthur in Red Dead Redemption 2. His performance capture work involved simultaneous recording of movement and speech, while a small part was done in a voice-over booth".
• "For his portrayal, Clark took main inspiration from Toshiro Mifune" — Avoid repetition and improve prose: "Researching the role, Clark's main inspiration came from Toshiro Mifune".
• "Toshiro Mifune. He found that Mifune's characters were stoic while also having a "crazy" sense of humor, a complexity he wanted to portray within Arthur" — Avoid repetition and improve prose: "Toshiro Mifune, whose characters' stoic but humorous demeanor held intricacies he wanted in Arthur".
• "Clark also took inspiration from The Proposition (2005) as it involved a similar situation to Arthur's, wherein he is forced to betray some of his loyalties" — Improve prose: "Clark gained insight from The Proposition (2005) as it contained a similar character arc as that of Arthur". Spoilers are not necessary in this sentence.
• "despite watching the Dollars Trilogy (1964–1966) he did not take much inspiration from Clint Eastwood's portrayal of the Man with No Name, as he felt that" — Avoid repetition: "despite watching the Dollars Trilogy (1964–1966), he did not take much from Clint Eastwood's depiction of the Man with No Name because he felt that".
• "during production for inspiration" — "for inspiration" is not needed here.
• Ref. 8 must be replaced with a more reliable source.
• "Clark wanted to portray a character that was complex enough for the player to choose his path and still make sense." — Rewrite to make different from the lead.
• "He initially faced difficulty with this concept, as the high honor performance was different to the low honor, but he reminded himself that Arthur was a complex character who could easily contradict himself" — Avoid repetition: "He initially faced difficulty with this concept, as the high honor execution was different to the low honor, but he realized that Arthur was someone who could easily contradict himself".
• "He aimed to portray vulnerability with Arthur's ego. Clark felt that Arthur initially resented John Marston, as he had a family—something Arthur wishes he could have—but as the gang begins to fall apart, Arthur acts to help John, "try[ing] to do what he wishes he could have done for himself"" — Avoid repetition and improve prose: "Aiming to show the vulnerability of Arthur's ego, Clark observed that the resentment of John Marston for having a family fell apart as eventually he sought to help them".
• "Clark looked to Rob Wiethoff's portrayal as John in the first game for inspiration with his own performance" — Avoid repetition and improve prose: "Rob Wiethoff's performance as John in the first game influenced his own".
• "was cut from the game during development" — "from the game during development" is not needed here.
• "Vice President of Creativity Dan Houser" — I feel like "Writer" is a more accessible title.
• "Houser felt" — Avoid repetition: "He felt".

• Since the section includes non-appearances, I suggest that you change the title to "Fictional character biography".
• "Arthur joined" — Add the last name.
• "the Van der Linde gang" — Add "Dutch" to this to establish that he is the leader.
• "14-years-old" — Dashes are not needed here, and use "fourteen" to coincide with past use of numbers.
• "for a trivial sum of money" — WP:POV, remove.
• "from a lost cause" — Not needed for the sentence to make sense.
• "When the gang is forced into a blizzard" — Add context: "When escaping an unsuccessful boat heist has them driven into the mountains".
• "later tracks down John" — Add context: "later tracks down fellow gang member John Marston, who got lost"
• "After moving to Clemens Point" — Avoid repetition: "Leaving for Clemens Point".
• "The conflict leads" — Avoid repetition: "This leads".
• "against the backstabbing Bronte who leads them into a trap" — Avoid repetition and WP:POV: "against Bronte after he ushered them into a trap".
• "Reuniting with the rest of the gang, Arthur and Sadie resolve to save the captured John" — Improve prose: "Reuniting with the rest, Arthur resolves to save the now captured John". Sadie doesn't come up later, so she doesn't need to be named.
• "Arthur contemplates" — Avoid repetition: "He contemplates".
• "Dutch seemingly abandons Arthur to die" — "to die" is not needed here, and the upcoming "for dead" is more effective without it.
• "to rescue Abigail" — Add context: "to rescue John's wife Abigail".
• "Agent Milton" — First time his name comes up, so replace it with "Pinkerton detectives", as the Pinkertons are mentioned later.
• "Upon confronting Milton, Arthur discovers" — Replace "Milton" with "them".
• "He returns to Dutch to inform him of Micah's betrayal" — Avoid repetition: "He returns to Dutch to inform him of this".
• "injuries and disease and dies peacefully while watching the sunrise" — Avoid repetition and improve prose: "injuries and disease, dying peacefully watching the sunrise".

• "Arthur's character" — Improve prose: "The character of Arthur Morgan".
• "the characters possess humanity often lacking in other Rockstar games, particularly in the thoughtful portrayal of Arthur's internal conflicts" — The reception should only focus on Arthur: "the thoughtful portrayal of Arthur's internal conflicts possessed humanity often lacking in other Rockstar games".
• According to WP:VG/RS, CG Magazine is an unreliable source and doesn't indicate, like with Giant Bomb, that it's appropriate for reviews.
• "Kotaku's Kirk Hamilton wrote that" — Avoid repetition: "Kirk Hamilton at Kotaku opined that".
• "Ars Technica's Daniel Starkey" — Avoid repetition: "Writing for Ars Technica, Daniel Starkey".
• "GamesRadar+'s Tom Power felt that Arthur's story reflects that of a Shakespearean tragedy, with some of the game's characters" — Avoid repetition and improve prose: "GamesRadar+'s Tom Power believed that the account of Arthur's life in Red Dead Redemption 2 reflected a Shakespearean tragedy, with some characters".
• I don't think using another review from GamesRadar commenting on the story is necessary.
• "EGMNow's Nick Plessas found the journey of redemption for Arthur Morgan" — Avoid repetition: "Nick Plessas of EGMNow found the journey of redemption".
• "than John Marston's" — Improve prose: "than that of John Marston".
• "noting that his sins heightened his" — Avoid repetition and WP:POV: "noting that his shortcomings heightened a sense of".
• "Javy Gwaltney of Game Informer echoed this sentiment" — Avoid repetition: "Javy Gwaltney's review for Game Informer echoed this sentiment".
• "noting that Arthur's arc is a" — Avoid repetition: "describing Arthur's arc as".
• "felt that Arthur was "generic", he did find himself to be "quite shook" by the ending to Arthur's story" — Avoid repetition and improve prose: "dismissed Arthur as "generic", he did feel "quite shook" by the ending to his story".
• "Conversely, Eurogamer's Martin Robinson considered Arthur to be less compelling than Marston, leading to a confusing narrative as a result" — Avoid repetition and improve prose: "Eurogamer author Martin Robinson considered Arthur to be less compelling than John, thus confusing his experience of the narrative".
• "The Guardian's Paul Walker-Emig noted that Arthur's notebook made him feel" — Add link to "The Guardian", replace "noted" with "thought" and "feel" with "appear".
• "Laurence Mozafari of Digital Spy felt that Arthur perfectly encapsulated the feeling of the Old West" — Avoid repetition and improve prose: "Laurence Mozafari of Digital Spy submitted that Arthur had perfectly encapsulated the Old West".
• "VentureBeat's Dean Takahashi praised Clark's performance for adding to the game's immersion and the character's depth" — Avoid repetition and improve prose: "VentureBeat writer Dean Takahashi praised Clark's performance for adding to the game's immersion and character's depth".
• "Luke Reilly at IGN celebrated the life brought into the character, describing his voice as having an "infectious authenticity"" — Avoid repetition and simplify: "Luke Reilly at IGN described Arthur's voice as having an "infectious authenticity"".
• "For his role as Arthur" — "as Arthur" is not needed here.

In this review I felt like I was suggesting copyedits for every sentence, a sign that the article needed a comprehensive copyedit before the nomination. It is its biggest problem, and hopefully my suggestions will lighten that burden. We'll see. I will re-read and make sure when you're done. Cognissonance (talk) 18:27, 18 April 2020 (UTC)Reply

Thanks, Cognissonance. I've made some changes per your comments. The link to YouTube in reference 8 (now reference 7) is a convenience link; the source itself isn't unreliable. Let me know if you have any other concerns. – Rhain ☔ 23:45, 18 April 2020 (UTC)Reply

• "Arthur must deal with the decline of the Wild West while attempting to survive against government forces, rival gangs, and other adversaries in a fictionalized representation of the Western, Midwestern, and Southern United States" — This is verbatim from the Red Dead Redemption 2 lead, change it enough so that it differs. What is not sourced in the body are the "rival gangs" and "Western, Midwestern, and Southern United States". The latter can be replaced with "American frontier".
• "The development team at" — Unnecessary.
• "Clark wanted to portray" — I still think using this after "He is portrayed by Roger Clark" is an unnecessary repetition. Any synonym will do.
• "character" is repeated 5 times in this section. The third paragraph can easily begin with "Arthur" and the upcoming instance can be replaced with "him".

• "decided that there" — Replace "decided" with a synonym like "determined", further removing its similarity to the lead.
• "in order to follow the character more personally and better understand how the events impact him" — Basically the same information written twice, I suggest: to better understand how the events impact him". This also removes a repetition of "the character".
• "They felt that a single character felt more appropriate for the narrative structure of a Western" — I'll suggest this because it's much too similar to the lead: "They also saw that the narrative structure of a Western necessitated a single perspective".
• "The conversations and sense of life within the gang environment were inspired by Grand Theft Auto V's exploration of the dynamic lives of its uncontrolled playable characters" — Only realising it now, and I don't enjoy having content removed, but this doesn't have anything to do with Arthur specifically.
• "Actor Roger Clark portrayed" — As "portrayal" is used later in the next paragraph, I'd prefer this instead: "Actor Roger Clark played".
• "despite watching the Dollars Trilogy" — To avoid repetition, instead use "viewing".
• "he did not take much inspiration from Clint Eastwood's depiction" — Avoid repetition of "inspiration" and improve prose: "he did not derive much from Clint Eastwood's depiction".
• "A second love interest for Arthur was cut" — Per source, add this: "for want of a desired effect".
• "subverting the trope of the protagonist" — As "protagonists" was used in the first paragraph of the section, maybe use "lead" or "leading man".

• The section repeats "gang" 8 times. Some of these can either be removed or replaced with "group", where appropriate.
• "the capture of Jack Marston" — Add context: "the capture of John's son, Jack".
• "When Pinkertons invade the camp" — Replace "When" with "As" to avoid repetition of the word in the same paragraph.
• "Dutch intervenes in their fight" — "in their fight" is not needed here, especially since "fight" is repeated in the section.
• "if the player has low honor" — Avoid repetition: "with low honor".

• "received acclaim" — Write "critical acclaim"' for better flow.
• "LevelSkip's Kyle Atwood called Arthur Morgan" — Avoid repetition: "Kyle Atwood from LevelSkip called him".
• "became more intriguing throughout the game, aided by Clark's performance" — Copyedit: "became more intriguing because of Clark's performance".
• "some will see it as a typical story" — Avoid repetition and improve prose: "some may see it as a typical tale".
• "the journey of redemption for Arthur Morgan to be" — Copyedit: "his journey to be". Following up "redemption" with "redeeming" felt a little too on the nose.
• "by the ending to his story as" — Per source, this is more accurate: "after finishing the game".
• "Conversely" — I'm not sure this applies, since Robinson didn't like Arthur either.
• "Several critics felt that the character brought the game's world to life" — Remove as this is explored in the paragraph anyway, and it is also too similar to what is in the lead.
• "found that players "feel for Arthur Morgan" — Avoid repetition and improve prose: "found that the player connected with "Arthur Morgan".
• "praised Clark's performance for adding to the game's immersion and the character's depth" — Avoid repetition: "praised Clark's contribution for adding to the immersion and character's depth".
• "and was awarded gold from PlayStation Blog" — I think this is easier to understand: "and was a runner-up for the same category at PlayStation Blog".

@Rhain: Ping me when you're done and I'll take a look. Cognissonance (talk) 03:04, 19 April 2020 (UTC)Reply

@Cognissonance: Made some changes per your comments. I also removed Yahtzee's review entirely, partly because of a recent discussion but mostly because it added nothing to the section. Let me know if there's anything else. – Rhain ☔ 03:51, 19 April 2020 (UTC)Reply

Thanks for your swift responses. I made edits of my own for the final stretch and am now satisfied with the prose. Passing the article now. Cognissonance (talk) 04:38, 19 April 2020 (UTC)Reply