Batman: The Animated Series

Batman: The Animated Series is the first cartoon series set in the Marvel Animated Universe, providing a darker and complex take on the iconic superhero Batman. It was succeeded by The New Batman Adventures.

Dr. March: You donate a few million, and you think you own the place. I understand I'm to analyse something for you?

Bruce Wayne: Yeah, doc. See, I keep hearing squeaks in my chimney, and I found these in my empty fireplace. They look like hairs. I thought maybe you could tell me if I have a bat problem.

Dr. March: And what if they are bats, Mr. Wayne? What then? Destroy them like insects? We won't survive the next evolutionary cataclysm, but bats will! They're survivors, Mr. Wayne, not pests! You should understand that!

---

Dr. Kirk Langstrom: [enters laboratory upon hearing noises] Who's back there? [Spots Batman] You...!

Batman: I'm looking for Dr. March.

Langstrom He's not here, Batman.

Batman: Where is he?

Langstrom: Giving a lecture on human extinction and bat evolution. He's really quite brilliant.

Batman: He's misguided, and a thief. [holds up a vial of the serum]

Langstrom: He's just a theorist, he was afraid to put it to the test. But I wasn't. I knew he'd discovered a formula to create a totally new species, neither man nor bat. And once I started taking it, I couldn't stop. I desperately wanted to, but... it took over. Francine and March tried to protect me, but it was too late. The beast knew what chemicals were needed to bring itself about! It was out of my control! And it only needs one more component to complete the process! [voice lowering] It's in ME, Batman! [laughs maniacally and begins to change into Man-Bat]

[the Arkham Asylum inmates practice signing Jingle Bells as other inmates set up a giant Christmas tree]

Joker: Jingle bells! Batman smells! Robin laid an egg! [gets a tree-topper and climbs to install it] The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Jo-ker got a-wa-a-a-ay! [attaches the ornament and the Christmas Tree ignites, revealed as a rocket. Joker clambers at it launches] Crashing through the roof! In a one-horse-open tree! Busting out I go! Laughing all the WHEEEEE! [the "rocket-tree" flies off into the distance as he sings]

---

[At the Christmas with the Joker show]

Joker: Rumor has it, Christmas is a time to share with family.

Laugh track: Yea!

Joker: And since I don't have one of my own...

Laugh track: Aww...

Joker: I decided to STEAL one!

Laugh track: Yea!

Joker: And here they are: The Awful Lawful Family! [lights turn on and reveal Gordon, Summer, and Bullock tied up and gagged] Aren't they just the cutest family you've ever seen?

Batman: [watching in the Batmobile] It's never easy with the Joker.

Joker: Meet Daddy Lawful! [ungags Gordon]

Commissioner Gordon: You diseased maniac! I'll- [Joker gags him again]

Joker: Hmm. Looks like I'll have to teach Daddy some manners. And here's Mommy Lawful! [ungags Summer]

Summer Gleason: Help! Somebody please help us- [Joker gags her again]

Joker: Ho ho ho, isn't she jolly? And here we have little Baby Lawful! Coochie coochie coo! [ungags Bullock]

Detective Bullock: When I get my hands on you, I'll rip your- [Joker gags him again]

Joker: I'll bet Batman wishes he had a family just like mine. Personally I think relatives are a bore, so Batman can have them... [points to clock showing 10:30PM] if he can find them by midnight! Otherwise... [makes a throat-slashing motion and laughs]

[Bruce is introduced to Dr. Long and he offers a handshake]

Dr. Long: [looks at hand and pouts off] Your father and I attended university together. He had big plans for you.

Bruce Wayne: Well, I guess he'd be pleased. Wayne Industries is more prosperous than ever.

Dr. Long: Pleased? When your father was alive, Wayne was a name that commanded great respect. Now all Wayne stands for is a self-centered jet-setting playboy. It's lucky your father didn't live to see what you've done to his good name. He'd have died of shame.

---

[Batman has been exposed to Scarecrow's fear toxin]

Thomas Wayne: Bruce...

Batman: No... not now...

Thomas Wayne: You are a disgrace! [turns into the Grim Reaper]

Batman: No... You are NOT my father. I am NOT a disgrace! I am vengeance, I am the night. I...AM...BATMAN!

Summer Gleeson: I'm here in Downtown Gotham where corporate CEOs have gone stark, raving mad. It would appear that the collapse of the stock market is now imminent. The question is: Will April Fools' Day mark the end of Gotham City as we know it?

Joker: The only things gaining now are the laughing stocks! [laughs]

---

Batman: Justice WILL be served, Joker.

Joker: Service with a smile? [He tosses a razor card at Batman. Batman dodges it just in time.]

Batman: Clean up your act, Joker.

Joker: Oh, that's a joke, right? Batman finally told a joke!

Dent: So, what do you think?

Bruce: Does she have a sister?

Dent: Nope. Pam's one of a kind. That's why I asked her to marry me.

Bruce: [spits out his water upon hearing this] WHAT?!

Dent: Yup, that's the page one headline. Hey... is it starting to get warm?

Bruce: You're still flushed from that last kiss. Harvey, you just met her last week!

Dent: And I already know she's the one. Gosh, it's hot in here...

Bruce: Marriage is a major step, Harvs. Don't you think you're rushing it?

Dent: No way. The moment I laid eyes on Pam, her love hit me right in the face. [falls right into the food he ordered]

Bruce: [laughs] Harvey, you've lost your mind. Knock it off. [sees him unresponsive] Harv? Harvey! [Later sees Harvey carried into an ambulance and climbs inside] Hang on, Harvey. Hang on.

---

Bullock: So what'd you put in this mousse?!

Chef: Chocolate, sugar, eggs, cream...

Bullock: STRYCHNINE?!

Chef: No, no, no strychnine. But I added just a pinch of vanilla.

Bullock: [turns to a waiter, frustrated] You know who did it?! TALK!

Waiter: Hey, I just clean the dishes, okay?

---

Poison Ivy: [chuckles] Batman! A late night rendezvous? To what do I owe the honor?

Batman: Harvey Dent!

Poison Ivy: Oh, the poor district attorney. I hear he's not expected to live. Oh, it's so sad... [feigns crying, which quickly turns to insane laughter]

Batman: Why, Isley?

Poison Ivy: Oh, please, call me Poison Ivy. You see, Harvey had to pay for his crime.

Batman: What crime?

Poison Ivy: Why, murder, of course! Plowing up a field of beautiful wildflowers for that silly penitentiary of his. This little rose would be extinct today if I hadn't saved my precious from those horrible bulldozers! The blood of those flowers are on his hands! [calms down after her tantrum] So his fate was sealed [applies lipstick] ...with a kiss. And now, so is yours. [Ivy's plant holds Batman still as she kisses him; he tries to spit away the poison] Oh, what's wrong? Afraid I have cooties? [laughs] Oh, now you've gone and hurt my feelings. Too bad. I was going to share the antidote with you. [opens a bottle and waves it under his nose] Lovely fragrance, don't you think? [applies a drop to her face] I call it "Rose From the Dead".

---

[In a cell in Arkham]

Poison Ivy: They can bury me in the ground, as deep as they like. But I'll grow back. [to her rose] We always grow back. Don't we, baby?

Sewer King: Lesson number one is: NOOOOO TAAAALKING! Children are to be seen and not heard. We are the Underdwellers. We are the silent ones. We follow the invisible creed.

---

Sewer King: Frog! The rolls, if you please.

[Another boy nervously steps over with them; the Sewer King grabs his wrist angrily]

Sewer King: You're not Frog! Where is he?! He's not here! [smacks the bowl of rolls away] NOT HERE! And after all I've done for you ungrateful little monsters! I took you in when nobody else would have you! It is I who care for you! I who provide for you! And only I WHO KNOWS WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU! Would you rather I sent you back into the light? Back to those who hurt you, and sent you away?

[The children tearfully shake their heads; the Sewer King pushes the dinner table over with a loud crash]

Sewer King: THERE WILL BE NOTHING TO EAT UNTIL FROG IS FOUND! NOW OUT WITH YOU! OUT WITH YOU!

---

Batman: I don't know what kind of barbarian did this to you, but it's over. And from now on, you'll be treated like human beings.

---

Sewer King: [clapping] Bravo. Bravo. You've caused me great distress, you evil bat, yes, yes, yes, you have! You've hurt my pretty pets, and you've frightened my beloved children!

Batman: [incredulous and disgusted] "Beloved children"?!

Sewer King: Yes! I feed them, I clothe them, I discipline them, and I teach them a trade! And now, I will teach you something!

[He stamps on Batman's hands, but Batman swings under the pipe and kicks him from behind, causing him to fall off]

Batman: Grab my hand!

Sewer King: NEVER!

[He falls into the water, where the alligators close in and seemingly devour him]

Batman: A gruesome fate for a gruesome man.

[He hears the Sewer King laughing, and sees him with the alligators, unharmed]

Sewer King: I rather enjoyed it! I told you, they're my pretties! [pets one, laughing] Have a nice swim!

[Batman swings over to chase him, narrowly missing the alligators' jaws]

Batman: Later.

---

[Batman pulls the Sewer King out of the way of an oncoming train]

Sewer King: Why? Why?! Why?!

Batman: [seething with anger] I don't pass sentence. That's for the courts. But this time - this time - I am sorely tempted to do the job myself!

[after Batman grapples up a crane with Officer Montoya to safety]

Batman: Are you alright?

[Machine gun bullets hit around Batman and Officer Montoya, causing both of them to duck]

Officer Montoya: Dandy.

Batman: Then don't go away.

Officer Montoya: [Batman leaves as more machine gun bullets hit. Montoya stays down] Count on it.

---

[after Commissioner Gordon congratulates Officer Montoya for foiling the dock heist with Batman's aid]

Commissioner Gordon: I have to hand it to you, Montoya. You and the Batman really turned this thing around.

Patrolman Wilkes: Yeah, what a collar! You didn't just bust 'em, you put the whole gang out of commission. [Lieutenant Hackle appears to accuse Montoya]

Lieutenant Hackle: What collar? She's suspended! [Gordon angrily grabs Heckle]

Commissioner Gordon: This farce has gone far enough, Hackle! We apprehended the suspects and recovered our money. The investigation is closed! [He grabs three confiscated police badges out of Hackle's suit pocket and shoves him aside. He hands the badges to Officer Montoya] Officer Montoya earned this collar.

Officer Montoya: The collar belongs to all three of us, Commissioner. It was a team effort. [Montoya accepts hers and hands Wilkes back his badge]

Patrolman Wilkes: Gee... thanks, partner!

Detective Bullock: [grumbling under his breath] Yeah, yeah...

Officer Montoya: What was that, Bullock? [happily gives badge to Bullock]

Detective Bullock: [reluctantly hesitates, accepts his badge] I said... Thanks a lot, Montoya.

Bruce: What is this?

Smith: If it's moving, it's a rat. If it isn't, it's a cooked rat.

---

Alfred: [Alfred flies the Batwing to the tracking device's location] This must be the place! Bring us down!

Batwing Computer: Negative.

Alfred: [pressing buttons madly] But Master Bruce is down there! We HAVE to land!

Computer: Impossible. Area too confined.

Alfred: [pounds the console] Land, you bucket of bolts!

Computer: Your funeral.

Alfred: Oh, dear...! [The Batwing flies down abruptly. Bruce, escaping the mine, sees the Batwing fly over]

Bruce: [Smiles] Son of a gun!

[The Batwing reaches a flat area near Bruce and lands. The cockpit opens.]

Computer: Watch your step.

Alfred: [tumbles out, dazed] I-I-I claim this land... for Spain. [collapses]

Summer Gleason: [on TV, reporting about the Mayor's missing son] The Mayor declined, however, to confirm that his son Jordan was missing.

Jekko: Missing?

Jordan: It's me, Jekko. I ran away.

Jekko: You did WHAT?!?

Jordan: I want to be a magician, like you.

Jekko: Why, you... [laughs] Well, kid, you got step one right! Come on in. I've been thinking about a protege.

---

[Batman is trapped inside a tank filled with water, having removed a straitjacket and leg restraints]

Jordan: He can't get out! What's the trick?

Jekko: That's just it! THERE IS NO TRICK!

Jordan: No! He'll drown! [Jordan grabs an axe and strikes the side of the tank to try and free Batman, Joker takes the axe away]

Jekko/Joker: That's why they call it a finale! [discards his Jekko the Clown mask] Now sit down and enjoy the show!

---

[Dent's raid on Thorne has been aborted by the judge due to supposed lack of reliable evidence]

Dent: No! NO! I SPENT THREE MONTHS ON THAT RAID! He can't overturn! The fool! HE'S BEEN BOUGHT! LIKE ALL THE REST!

Bruce Wayne: [tries to restrain him] Harvey, please try to calm down. This sort of behavior doesn't run well with the voters-

Dent: LET GO OF ME, YOU RICH TWIT!

---

Dent: Stealing someone's psychiatric file is pretty low, Thorne! Even for a swine like you!

Rupert Thorne: But it makes for such fascinating reading. Listen to this, boys. Says here that when Harvey was a little boy, he was bothered by a bully. Every day the bully would bug him after school, until one day little Harvey got so mad, he slugged him one.

Thorne's Thugs: Oooh!

Rupert Thorne: Of course, the bully ran away, which made little Harvey very proud. Until he heard that the bully was in the hospital.

Candace: That was some punch.

Rupert Thorne: [chuckles] That's what Harvey thought. Except the guy was in the hospital for appendicitis! [chuckles again] But poor Harvey felt so guilty, he never showed his anger again. And that was the start of "Big Bad Harv".

Dent: What do you want?

Rupert Thorne: Just a few favors from the D.A.'s office.

Dent: You're dreaming.

Rupert Thorne: Otherwise, as a concerned citizen, I'd be compelled to give this to the press. After all, the people of Gotham have a right to know the kind of person... or should I say "persons", they've elected. So, what do you say, Harvey? Do we have a deal?

[Harvey's face has contorted in building rage the entire time, but suddenly relaxes into deceptive docility]

Dent: There's just one problem.

Rupert Thorne: What's that?

Dent: [in Big Bad Harv's voice] You're talking to the wrong Harvey.

[In a nightmare, Harvey is being chased by a dark shadow. He suddenly realizes he is standing on a collapsing wooden bridge]

Harvey Dent: Stay back! [the shadow reveals itself to be Batman, pleading for Harvey's help]

Batman: Harvey, please, let me help you!

Harvey Dent: You?! You saw what was happening! You knew that something was terribly wrong with me! I thought you were my friend! You should have been able to help me--but you didn't! [Harvey covers his face with his two hands, now transformed into Two-Face]

Two-Face: NOW LOOK AT ME!!

Batman: But I tried, Harvey. I... [the bridge pulls itself apart, causing Two-Face to fall off] Harvey!

Two-Face: [Plummets into an abyss of glowing red light] WHY COULDN'T YOU SAVE ME...?!!

[Batman looks down the edge and gasps with horrified shock. He instead sees his late parents Thomas and Martha Wayne underneath a single lamppost. They both raise their heads in sadness]

Thomas Wayne: Why couldn't you save us, son?

[Bruce wakes up, sweating with fear. He then turns to a photo of Two-Face from a newspaper]

Bruce Wayne: So what are you dreaming tonight, Harvey? Peaceful dreams? Nightmares? Maybe both at once. Sleep well, my friend. Whether you are, whatever you've become... I will save you. I swear.

---

Two-Face: This is my world now. A dichotomy of order and chaos - just like me.

Grace: Harvey, what's happened to your mind, your feelings? You used to listen to your feelings.

Two-Face: [flipping his coin] This is what I listen to now. Chance, Grace. Chance is everything. Whether you're born or not, whether you live or die, whether you're good or bad... it's all arbitrary.

Grace: That's nonsense, Harvey. Was it chance that made you District Attorney? Was it chance that made you fall in love with me? Take control of your life, Harvey.

---

[Two-Face grabs a tommy gun and aims at a defenceless Thorne]

Rupert Thorne: No! Two-Face, don't! [to Batman] You can't let him!

Grace: Harvey! What are you doing?!

Two-Face: Taking control of my life.

Batman: Let the law handle it.

Two-Face: "The law"?! [takes out his coin] Here's the only law! The law of averages! The great equalizer!

[Two-Face flips the coin, but Batman throws out a crate of other coins, and Two-Face's is lost among them as they spill out]

Two-Face: [horrified and panicked] NO! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! [searches through them frantically] My coin! Where is it?! I can't decide without...! Oh no, it's gotta be here, it's gotta! [shrieks with anguish] I HAVE TO HAVE IT!!!

[He continues to scream, swiping the coins aside before collapsing in tears; Grace gently comforts him]

Grace: It's all right now, Harvey. I'm here.

Father Michael Stromwell: Arnold? That's one soul I wish I could give up on.

---

Arnold Stromwell: I don't need your help!

Michael Stromwell: Is that a fact? An empire crumbling? A marriage shattered? A son lost? Sure, you're doing fine.

[after Penguin's goons successfully steal a Fabergé egg on a tall building]

Goon 1: [chuckles] A piece of cake, just like the boss said.

Goon 2: Yeah, all it took was five minutes. [Batman makes his surprise appearance to the goons]

Batman: And that'll get you five years... [pause] with good behavior.

---

Penguin: Be-fowled by a couple of fledgelings!

---

Mrs. Grant: Sherman, what are you doing down there?

Sherman: Nothing, Mom!

Mrs. Grant: You're not trying to make gunpowder again, are you?

Sherman: No, Mom! Honest!

Roberta: We just saved Batman's life, Mrs. Grant, and now we're hiding him from some bad criminals.

Mrs. Grant: That's good, just don't make a mess. [leaves]

Sherman: Nice going, Miss Big Mouth.

Roberta: [shrugging] Sorry, Sherman, I guess I panicked.

---

Penguin: Gentlemen - and I use the term loosely - after you!

---

Penguin: Eurgh, how bourgeois. Tearing this place apart could only improve it! Let the egg hunt begin!

---

Mrs. Grant: Young man, you've got some serious explaining to do! [sees Batman and the defeated Penguin and gasps]

Sherman: Err, Mom, I'd like you to meet Batman. Batman, this is my mom.

Batman: Ma'am.

Mrs. Grant: Oh, hello...

Sherman: Say, Batman, you wouldn't be single, would you?

Mr. Freeze: [gazes at the ballerina snow globe] This is how I'll always remember you. Surrounded by winter forever young, forever beautiful. Rest well, my love. The monster who took you from me will soon learn that revenge is a dish... [opens his eyes through his red goggles] best served cold.

---

[Batman infiltrates an office in GothCorp headquarters and sees a classified file with a videotape and medical records of a woman named Nora Fries. He plays the tape on a nearby VCR]

Victor Fries: [on the tape] My name is Doctor Victor Fries. I am recording what I pray would be mankind's first step toward immortality. [camera pans to a large machine with a glass capsule and a woman inside it] Behind me, you see the CC-100, a cryogenic freezing chamber of my own design. I created it for the express purpose of freezing subjects stricken with inoperable ailments. Subjects like... my own beloved wife, Nora. Once a remedy has been found-- [reacts to a loud banging on the door]

Ferris Boyle: [Behind the door] Open this door! Open it now! [A security guard kicks the door down, Ferris and another guard step into the room. Boyle confronts Fries angrily.] Get away from that equipment! [Orders his guards] Shut this stuff down.

Fries: [Panicked] Stop! This is my experiment!

Boyle: Your unauthorized experiment. I ordered funding suspended weeks ago! I'm already three million in debt thanks to you!

Fries: You can't stop it now! My wife is in there!

Boyle: So bring her out!

Fries: You can't interrupt the process now!

Boyle: [unmoved; to guard] Open it.

Fries: [desperately holds on to Boyle] It's her only chance!

Boyle: [shrugs off Fries] This is MY equipment! MINE! I have every legal right to use it or not use it as I see fit. I say this project ends now!

Fries: [grabs pistol from security guard and aims it at Ferris] NO! Stay away from her, murderer!

Boyle: Victor... I'm sorry... I lost my temper. It doesn't have to come to this. We can talk! [Fries calms down and Boyle kicks him into a table of cryonic chemicals. Victor screams in pain as the cloud of volatile chemicals engulf him. Boyle steps away in fear and runs out of the room with his guards] Get out. Get out!

Fries: [Clinging to his freezing chamber, screaming through the glass] Nora! NORA...! [passes out. The tape ends]

Batman: [Horrified] My God!

[A voice rings out--it's Mr. Freeze, who just snuck in the room]

Mr. Freeze: Yes. It would move me to tears, if I still had tears to shed. [freezes Batman with his cryo-gun]

---

[Mr. Freeze raids the award ceremony and confronts Ferris Boyle, who is receiving a humanitarian award]

Mr. Freeze: The cold eyes of vengeance are upon you, Boyle.

Ferris Boyle: Who...who are you?!

Mr. Freeze: Come, now. Surely you remember your old colleague... Victor Fries?

[Mr. Freeze aims and fires his freezing gun at Boyle's feet, ice slowly covering up his legs to his waist]

Boyle: [cries in pain] NO! No...! Stop... please... I... b-beg you! [Mr. Freeze stops his freezing gun for a moment of clarity]

Mr. Freeze: You... beg? In my nightmares I see my Nora behind the glass, begging to me with frozen eyes. How I've longed to see that look frozen on you.

[Batman batarangs Mr Freeze's cryo-gun and attacks him. Mr Freeze overpowers Batman and throws him off]

Mr. Freeze: The advanced circuitry that powers my suit also triples my strength! [engages Batman, and lifts him off the ground] Sooner or later, all who stand in my way must feel the icy touch of death!

[Mr. Freeze is about to kill Batman, but collapses when Batman smashes his glass helmet with a thermos full of chicken soup given to him by Alfred earlier]

Summer Gleeson: [walks next to Batman] Ooh...! What was that stuff?

Batman: The only way to fight a cold.

Mr. Freeze: [as his suit falters] It can't end this way... vengeance...!

Batman: No, justice. A year ago, Ferris Boyle interrupted an experiment, and in the process destroyed two lives. [gives Summer Gleeson the tape he found] Here's the evidence. [walks to a still shivering Boyle; he sneers at Boyle with disgust] Good night, humanitarian! [walks off]

Stern: Now if you'll excuse me, I've given you all the time I can spare.

Selina Kyle: You'll find more time for me, Mr. Stern. Before I'm through, I'll have every environmental group and animal rights activist breathing down your neck. They'll be looking at you and your project so closely, you'll feel like a bug in a bell-jar.

---

Batman: You're late.

Mob Boss: Can't you walk up to someone normal-like?

Batman: I hear you have some information.

Mob Boss: Under one condition: Lay off the South Side.

Batman: Keep this up, and I'll be on you from all sides. North, south, east, and west.

Batman: Red Claw? A woman?

Red Claw: Do you have a problem with that, Batman?

Batman: Not at all. I'm an equal opportunity crime fighter!

---

Batman: I didn't want you taken away like a common criminal.

Catwoman: So you do care.

Batman: [handcuffing her] More than you'll ever know.

Lloyd Ventrix: See you 'round, Batman! Too bad you can't say the same!

---

Batman: Ventrix, the suit! It's poison!

Ventrix: So what if it is?! I don't care! As long as I have it, I can take my daughter back whenever I want! Her mother won't stop me, AND NEITHER WILL YOU!

[At a video shop, Bruce Wayne asks for Gray Ghost films]

Bruce Wayne: I'd like the Gray Ghost.

Store Clerk: [smirks and walks away] Hmm. Name something else.

Wayne: You said you had everything.

Store Clerk: Except the Gray Ghost! Nobody has it! The studio that made the show, Spectra? It burned down 20 years ago. The negatives all went up like kindling, real shame.

Wayne: So the Gray Ghost doesn't exist?

Clerk: Not anymore. Sorry, pal.

---

Simon Trent: [Hands Batman a film reel with the key the mystery] Here's your answer, take it and go!

Batman: I used to admire what the Gray Ghost stood for...

Simon Trent: I'm not the Gray Ghost!

Batman: [coldly] I can see that now.

---

[At the launch of the Gray Ghost videos]

Bruce: Could you make this out to 'Bruce'?

Gray Ghost: [signing autograph] Here you are, Bruce.

Bruce: Thanks. As a kid, I used to watch you with my father. The Gray Ghost was my hero.

Gray Ghost: [realizing] Really...

Bruce: [smiling] And he still is.

Nostromos: I predict... you and I are about to become rich as pigs!

---

Lucas: No one could've predicted Batman would spot me. Not even the great Nostromos. Besides, how do you know Wayne survived?

Nostromos: The news said he got off the elevator right before it fell, you pathetic amateur!

Lucas: Well, you didn't predict he would die, exactly...

[About Matt Hagen's repeated use of "Renuyu" to restore his disfigured face]

Teddy Lupus: You can't go on like this, Matt. You hurt all the time now.

Matt Hagen: [irritated] You're just my stand-in, Lupus. Nobody promoted you to nursemaid!

Lupus: That stuff makes your face like putty, Matt; it can't be good for ya.

Hagen: It probably ain't good for me. But unless I only want to do horror pictures, it ain't bad for me either.

---

Batman: Listen up, scumwad, 'cause I'm only gonna ask you once. Who was Lucius Fox meeting at the tram?

Raymond Bell: Wayne... Bruce Wayne!

Batman: You lying sleaze! You wanna rethink that answer?

Luciano: [testing his new shapeshifting powers] The formula must have soaked every cell in my body.

Teddy Lupus: It's.... It's some kind of miracle! [sees Matt change back into Clayface] Wha... What are you doing?

Clayface: No. No! You broke my concentration! It won't work, don't you see?! It's too hard! It's like tensing a muscle - I can't keep it up for long! MY CAREER, MY LIFE - IT IS GONE! AND I CAN NEVER GET IT BACK! [In his rage, Clayface destroys several things in the trailer] I'm not an actor anymore! I'm not even... a man! [Sobs softly]

---

[Roland Daggett is at a talk show talking about Renuyu facial cream and the host entertains audience questions]

Woman: I'd like to ask Mr. Daggett about the rumors I've heard. I hear he's selling Renuyu through direct marketing because stores won't carry it due to its harmful side effects.

Roland Daggett: Well that's, uh, absolutely untrue-

Woman: [stands up and approaches him] What about the addictive properties of Renuyu, Mr. Daggett? Once you're hooked, you can't stop using it without horrible...pain!

Daggett: No! I mean... That's just not so!

Woman: Why don't you show them what an overdose can do, Daggett?! Why don't you tell them [voices goes deeper] about ME?! [transforms into Clayface]

Joker: [tosses two pennies on the ground] There's your two cents. Now, what are you going to do to me?

Charlie: Listen.... I... O'm sorry, really! I.... I had a bad day. Boss turned down my raise, and...

Joker: Now look, my rude friend! We can't have people cursing at each other on the freeway. It's simply not polite! [jumps down and grabs him] I'm just going to have to teach you some manners. [reaches into his coat]

Charlie: Please don't! I have a family, a wife, a little boy! Please! I'll do anything to make it up! Anything!

Joker: Anything, says you? [Charlie nods; Joker releases him] Okee-dokee! Wallet.

Charlie: Uh, okay. I don't have much cash.

Joker: Oh, please! Don't insult me! [takes out driver's license] Charles Michael Collins. That's you! Tsk tsk, lousy picture, though. Lousy! Address, height, weight, blah blah blah. [tosses the wallet back and keeps the license] Righty-o, Chuckers! Here's the deal. I'll let you off if you promise to do a little favor for me.

Charlie: Okay. What?

Joker: I DON'T KNOW! I HAVEN'T THOUGHT OF IT YET! You just toddle on back to your mundane, meaningless little life, and when I need you, I'll call. Fair? Good? Great! I'll be in touch. [walks away, laughing maniacally]

---

Charlie: Hello?

Joker: Hello, Charlie.

Charlie: Wrong number, pal. My name is Don.

Joker: Oh, no, no, no. This IS the right number, Charles Michael Collins. Oh, I don't know why you changed your name to Don Wallace and moved your family to 12 Marigold Lane, Springdale, Ohio. One might think you were trying to skip out on our little deal. [to Harley Quinn] Leave the sideburns.

Charlie: Uh... how did you find me?

Joker: Oh, I never lost you, Chaz. You've become my... HOBBY!! [laughs maniacally] Now, listen up, Charlie Brown. You're booked on the next flight to Gotham. Tell the family you have to visit a sick friend. Oh, and let's keep this to ourselves, 'kay? Bad things happen to people who gossip, capisce, Carlo? [Charlie looks out the window to see Joker's henchmen pull up to his house]

Charlie: Yeah...

Joker: Good! See ya!

---

Joker: You miserable little nobody! If I get caught, your wife and son are history!

Charlie: You're not getting caught. Not this time. I found this blown out of the van.

[He pulls one of the Joker's bombs from his jacket, and the Joker looks shocked and afraid]

Charlie: This is how it ends, Joker. No big schemes, no grand fight to the finish with the Dark Knight. Tomorrow, all the papers will say is that the great Joker was found blown to bits in an alley, alongside a "miserable little nobody"! [chuckles] Kinda funny. Ironic, really. See? I can destroy a man's dreams too! And that's really the only dream you've got, isn't it?!

Joker: [still scared] Look, Charlie, you've had a busy day! All this running around, all this excitement with... [yelling out desperately] BATMAN! Stop! You... you're crazy!

Charlie: I had a good teacher! [chuckles] Say goodnight, Gracie!

Joker: [terrified, trying to crawl away] NO! BATMAN! BATMAN! [sees Batman in the shadows, and gasps with relief and annoyance] How long have you been there?!

Batman: Long enough. Put it down, Charlie.

Charlie: You know he'll just escape again! This is the only way my family stays safe!

Joker: All right, you win! Take it easy! [surrenders his notebook to Batman] Here's everything on his blasted family - names, addresses, it's all there! You're no fun anymore, Charlie.

Charlie: Hey, Joker! [throws the bomb at the Joker, who cowers behind Batman - only for the "bomb" to release harmless confetti] Gotcha!

[Batman lets out a short laugh]

Joker: [dryly] Oh, very funny. A million laughs.

Batman: Here's how it works, slimeball. I have questions, and if you have answers, I'll leave you alone.

Rupert Thorne: Oh, I have plenty of answers... thirty-eight caliber answers. Now then, you were saying?

Batman: [Using Thorne as a shield] I was saying, you'd better hope your men are very good shots. It's too hot in here. Let's get some air.

---

Killer Croc: Terrific. Just what I need now. The freak job in the cape.

Batman: You're no prize yourself.

Killer Croc: [strangling Batman] What can I tell you now? Being a reptile man ain't pretty... but it's got its upside. Like having the strength of a crocodile, for instance! But I guess you've learned that by now, huh? [forcing Batman into the water] The hard way. You know, they used to call "Killer Croc" the meanest dude in the Wrestling Federation. Now they'll call him the guy who iced the Batman!

Batman: [flip-kicks Killer Croc really hard and gets out of the water] Don't hold your breath.

Mr. Lucky: Lost? You have that bewildered look, but your sort always does.

Thug: [grabs him threateningly] I ain't lost. I'm lookin' for you! I wanna know how come you always win, Mr. Lucky.

Mr. Lucky: It's quite simple, actually. I fix the games.

Thug: You can't fix all those sports. Nobody can!

Mr. Lucky: Oh, ye of little brain, allow me to illustrate. [hands the thug an envelope laced in fear toxin] Here. You can read, can't you?

Thug: [reads it] "Boo!" Hey, is this some kinda joke?

Mr. Lucky: It's no joke, I assure you. It's the fear of victory, and the agony of... [the thug pulls Mr. Lucky out of the shadows, revealing his true identity] the Scarecrow!

[The thug gasps in fear, now a victim of his toxin]

Scarecrow: So now you understand Step One in how I fix an athletic contest. [Scarecrow comes closer to the thug, causing him to fall into some stacks of hay] I shall proceed to Step Two! [chuckles evilly]

Thug: No! NO! GET AWAY!

---

Scarecrow: There's enough powder in that helmet to panic a pachyderm! He should be postering himself, crying for mercy!

Batman: Change of luck, Scarecrow?

Scarecrow: YOU!

Batman: You're aware that gambling is illegal in Gotham?

Scarecrow: I need the money, Batman! You know the cost of chemicals these days. And it will take much more than this to bring every pathetic person in Gotham to their knees, kissing my feet! [reveals a vial of his fear chemical and dangles it above the crowd] No closer, Batman! Unless you want a stampede of half-crazed humanity crushing and clawing each other! Now... what guarantee do I have you won't follow me?

Batman: You have my word, Scarecrow. Just don't drop the vial.

Scarecrow: Actually, Batman, I'd prefer a little insurance that you'll be otherwise occupied! [drops it]

Fugate: (after judgment has been passed) No! You can't! I'll be ruined!

Judge: Then perhaps this will teach you to be on time for a change.

Batman: What kind of a saboteur uses a six-thousand dollar Metronex to set a time bomb?

Alfred: A saboteur with too much money?

---

Batman: Hold it!

Fugate: Well, well. The Batman. It's about time you showed up! I suppose you want to know why I've brought Downtown Gotham to a standstill, Batman. Hm? Well, let's just say it's because I'm a civic minded citizen with a lot of time on his hands.

Batman: I want some answers, wise guy. Talk!

Fugate: A pity, I don't know what to tell you, Batman, except perhaps that the 9:15 is always six minutes early.

(He falls off the building and lands safely on the roof of an oncoming train as it speeds away)

---

[Mayor Hill is tied to the hands of a huge clock]

Clock King: Comfortable, Hill? Well you won't be for long! At 3:15 on the dot, those hands will come together and you'll be crushed like an insect. 3:15, Hill. Does that time hold any meaning for you?

Mayor Hill: I don't know what you're talking about!

Clock King: You told me to take my coffee break at 3:15.

Mayor Hill: What?!

Clock King: You don't remember?! My court date!!

Mayor Hill: [finally realizing] Oh my Lord! The lawsuit! Fugate! I swear I was only trying to help!

Clock King: Don't hand me that! You did it on purpose! The plaintiffs were represented by your law firm, Mr. Mayor!

Mayor Hill: But I had nothing to do with that case, Fugate!

Clock King: (To Hill) Not that it matters anymore. Now that you have an appointment to keep, at 3:15 precisely—with the Grim Reaper! [Fugate begins laughing maniacally]

---

Batman: I'm here to clean your clock, Fugate.

Fugate: Don't count on it, Batman. When it comes to clocks, I am king. En garde!

---

Batman: Stop this, Fugate! Hill committed no crime against you!

Temple Fugate: He did worse than that! He made me late!

Batman: Fugate! You can't escape!

Clock King: Au contraire, Batman. You of all people should know there's always a way out!

(Fugate begins laughing maniacally as a huge clock wheel falls on him, sending him to his apparent death)

Bruce Wayne: Roland Daggett's up to something, Alfred.

Alfred: That almost goes without saying, doesn't it, sir?

---

Dr. Leslie Thompkins: This used to be a beautiful street. Good people lived here once.

Batman: [placing two roses on the ground] Good people still live in Crime Alley.

Jervis Tetch: [Discussing the subject of Alice to his lab rats.] Of course, intellectually I know it's wrong. After all, she has a boyfriend. Better to withdraw like a gentleman- forget her, turn my heart to other pursuits. [Brief pause] NEVER! After all, I've created a chip strong enough to control a human brain! It would be so easy to make her forget her boorish beau and love ME! But...that would reduce her to a soulless shell. No...not my Alice.

---

[Batman has cornered Jervis Tetch, who just subdued Alice with her mindcontrol card and is at a dinner table with him]

Jervis Tetch/Mad Hatter: I'll cut that cowl off your neck before you'll take her! I've waited my whole lonely life for her!

Batman: Then all you've waited for is a puppet. A soulless little doll.

Mad Hatter: It didn't have to be this way! You made me do this to her!

Batman: "There's always time to heal", the doctor told me, but he was wrong. There was no time left. Not for me, not for him, and not for Gotham City. And as long as I remained trapped in Arkham, there was nothing I could do, except wait for the end and remember the beginning.

---

Scarecrow: An entire city, screaming in fear... I wonder if we'll be able to hear it...

Mrs. Thomas: You wicked, evil-

Poison Ivy: Evil, Mrs. Thomas? I don't control a company that leveled a thousand-year-old forest for a strip mine! THAT'S evil! [sprays a gas which causes Mrs. Thomas to become petrified; steals a pair of earrings] You and your kind owe Mother Nature a big debt, and I am here to make sure you pay up.

---

Poison Ivy: Right now, the bark is merely exoskeletal. It will take months of additional spraying before the transformations become irreversible. But, of course, I have the patience of a redwood.

Batman: [snarling] And the convictions of a fanatic!

Poison Ivy: Well, if you're not going to be part of the solution, you're obviously part of the problem. Ladies?

[Ivy's henchwomen begin to spray Batman with the growth formula]

Poison Ivy: This spray is triple-strength, Batman! It will start the transformation without any preliminaries! [Nothing seems to happen to Batman as he unties his hands] He should be sprouting leaves by now!

Batman: [Unties his hands and stands up, blocking the spray with his cape as he advances] You made your secret too accessible, Ivy! I coated my outfit with a herbicidal antidote!

Poison Ivy: Keep spraying! [Violet and Lily back away, still spraying, but Batman subdues them both]

Bruce Wayne: [Looking down off the ledge, preparing to jump] You're wrong! There IS a way out!

Mad Hatter: Now, now wait just a minute! You don't want to do anything foolish! This isn't an ordinary dream! What if you're wrong?!

Bruce Wayne: THEN I'LL SEE YOU IN YOUR NIGHTMARES!

---

Batman: WHY? Why did you do it?!

Mad Hatter: You, of all people, have the GALL to ask me that? You RUINED MY LIFE! I was willing to give you WHATEVER life you wanted, JUST TO KEEP YOU OUT OF MINE!

---

Commissioner Gordon: Look up "slippery" in the dictionary and you get Josiah Wormwood.

---

Batman: [About the Bat-Signal] Got a new toy, I see.

Gordon: I figured it might come in handy.

[Robin and Batman are doing a stakeout]

Robin: If I knew it was going to take THIS long, I would've brought my homework. You sure about this extortion ring?

Batman: [Looking at the construction site through binoculars] Uh-huh.

Robin: It's been four hours.

Batman: Uh-huh.

Robin: You still think they'll show?

Batman: Uh-huh.

Robin: Lucky for me, you're such a good conversationalist.

---

Batman: If you protect him, Stromwell, I'll be very... GRUMPY. You don't want to see me when I'm grumpy.

Tony Zucco: I'm not back in town five minutes - FIVE MINUTES - and he's on my tail. You don't know the Bat. He don't let up! He's the dark angel of death, man, and he wants ME!

Mick: ... Why you, boss?

Zucco: HOW SHOULD I KNOW?!

---

[Robin is about to throw Tony Zucco off the pier]

Tony Zucco: No, don't! Please...

Batman: Robin! Enough. [limps towards him] You can't let your emotions get the best of you.

Robin: Stuff your advice, Batman! You and your stone-cold heart! You don't know how I feel. HOW COULD YOU?!? [Batman looks at him, and Robin realizes what he said] Batman, I didn't mean to... I'm sorry. [after he sees the police coming, Robin seemingly readies to throw Zucco off the pier but simply throws him to the ground. The cops arrive and arrest Zucco.] You were right, you know, not bringing me along. You knew I'd take it too personally.

Batman: It wasn't that, Robin. It wasn't that at all. Zucco's taken so much, caused you so much pain. I couldn't stand the thought that he might... take you, too.

Robin: [putting a hand on Batman's shoulder] Come on, partner. It's been a long night.

Alfred: [seeing Batman with a Joker Fish] Dining in tonight, sir?

Batman: [sighs] The dissection tray, please, Alfred...

Alfred: Any idea what our happy friend is up to now?

Batman: Normal criminals usually have logical motives, but the Joker's insane schemes make sense to him alone.

---

Harley Quinn: Ah-ah-ah-ahem! Look alive, wage slaves. Presenting that caliph of clowns, that mogul of mountebanks, the one and only Joker!

[The Joker enters, laughing maniacally]

Francis: Great Scott!

Joker: Actually, I'm Irish. Good morning, Mister, err, [looks at his desk's name plate] Francis! Please allow me to introduce my associates. Miss Quinn.

Harley Quinn: Enchante!

Joker: And Messrs, uh... oh, their names escape me for the moment. No matter! We gentlemen of business have arrangements to discuss.

Francis: A... Arrangements?

Joker: [drops a Joker Fish onto his desk] For my fish, of course! This has all been worked out far in advance, Francis. You are merely the last tiny cog in my grand design! So don't speak to me again, 'kay? Now, what is everyone in town talking about?

Francis: Err... your fish?

Joker: [smacks him with the fish] I TOLD YOU NOT TO SPEAK!

Harley: [sniffs Francis] Ooh, fish stink-a-roony! [sprays him with a substance from a perfume bottle, making him cough] All better!

Joker: As I was saying, since every fish in Gotham now bares my famous and frankly fabulous face, I should be getting a profit from every fish product sold. [one of his thugs pours out a pile of products] Let's say a nickel per fish sandwich, fifty cents for sardines - millions of dollars a day to finance my happily hedonistic lifestyle! So which of your tedious copyright forms do I fill out first? You may speak now.

Francis: No one can copyright fish. They're a natural resource.

Joker: But they share my unique face! Colonel What's-His-Name has chickens, and they don't even have moustaches!

Francis: I can't help it, it's the law!

Joker: Oh! Trying to cheat the Joker, are ya?! Well, we'll see who has the last laugh. You have until midnight to change your mind, Francis, or you'll be the poorest fish of all! [leaves, laughing madly, with his thugs following]

Harley: [blows Francis a kiss as she follows] Buh-bye!

Francis: He's crazy...!

---

Francis: Err, Batman? Why is this happening to me? I've never done anything to this Joker. I'm just a paper-pusher, I can't change the laws. I'm harmless!

Batman: And in his sick mind, that's the joke, Mr. Francis.

---

Batman: Feeling all right?

Francis: [scratching himself] Oh, sure. It's just that everything's been so crazy today. I haven't even had time to rinse off that gunk the Joker's girl squirted on me...

Batman: [to Gordon] GET THIS MAN TO A HOSPITAL! NOW!

Francis: What?!

---

Joker: You're right, Harley. Fish are disgusting. I think I'll start using my toxin on cattle. Joker Burgers! Ha! Talk about a Happy Meal!

---

Joker: [after hitting Batman with a big wrench] Meanwhile, back at the "wrench"...! Since my sidesplitters don't tickle you, how 'bout a skull-splitter?!

---

[After the Joker is seemingly eaten by the shark]

Harley: [sniffing sadly] Oh, my poor, poor puddin'...

Bullock: Come on, he was a demented, abusive, psychotic maniac.

Harley: Yeah... I'm really gonna miss him! [sobs into her handkerchief]

Gordon: Do you think he's gone for good?

Batman: Believe me, Jim, I wish it were true. But deep inside, I doubt it.

Kyodai Ken: [Throwing Bruce] Don't be depressed, Wayne-san. You're not bad for a rich man's pampered son.

Sensei: [Leaps across room and throws Kyodai] There's always someone better, Kyodai.

---

Batman: His name is Kyodai Ken. He was good.

Robin: Yeah? How good?

Batman: [Quickly] Good.

Robin: I see.

---

Selina Kyle: Don't tell me you're my very own private probation officer. How often would you like me to check in?

---

Batman: "Viral Antitoxins". For a plague that doesn't exist, yet, but if the plague is introduced via stray dogs and cats, it will blanket Gotham City within weeks!

Roland Daggett: Days, actually. You know how many strays there are in Gotham, Batman? Three hundred thousand! Imagine if even a tenth of them carried the virus. Not only will this little bottle make me a hero, it'll make me a fortune as well.

[Joker, Two-Face, and Penguin are bidding over Batman's secret identity]

Two-Face: $500,000

Penguin: Poof. Chicken feed. I'll bet a million!

Two-Face: TWO Million!

Strange: I have two million. Do I hear three?

Joker: Hold it, hold it, HOLD IT!

Two-Face: Get outta my face, clown!

Joker: Which one?

[An angered Two-Face is about to attack Joker, but Penguin intervenes]

Penguin: Gentlemen, it behooves us not to fight amongst ourselves.

Joker: Well put, sardine breath! I think we should pool our resources on this. $51,240,685! [gets out a little coin purse, and pours out some coins] And uh, 53 cents.

Strange: Sold!

---

Strange: Joker, please! I was set up! Bruce Wayne is Batman!

Two-Face: That's absurd! I know Bruce Wayne. If he's Batman, I'm the King of England!

Joker: And people say I'M crazy!

Bruce Wayne: And who's your little friend?

[Barbara takes a teddy bear out of her purse]

Barbara Gordon: Oh, this is Wubby. I've had him forever. Dad won't pick me up at the airport without bringing him along.

Commissioner Gordon: [blushing] Well... he knows the way better than I do.

---

Alfred: [After learning about the AI project] Sounds as if the human race could become quite expendable, except for butlers, of course.

Batman: Of course.

Randa: You have immobilized the maker.

HARDAC: His human imperfection endangers the plan. He must be improved upon.

---

HARDAC: The maker's concept was sound, but he did not go far enough - which is why I have taken over.

Edward Nygma: [Being cheated out of the sales of his game] You are a fool, Mockridge, to think you can get away with this! Your amoral greed is no match for an intellect like mine!

Mockridge: Oh, yeah? Then tell me something, Eddie: if you're so smart, why aren't you rich?

---

[Batman reprograms the Hand of Fate, and uses it to carry himself and Robin to the centre of the maze]

Riddler: That is grand-scale CHEATING, Batman! You're not allowed to tamper with the Hand of Fate!

Batman: I don't believe in fate!

Riddler: You probably don't believe in Minotaurs either, but you'll still have to answer the Riddle.

Minotaur Robot: I have billions of eyes, yet I live in darkness. I have millions of ears, yet only four lobes. I have no muscles, yet I move two hemispheres. What am I?

Batman: [pauses in thought] That's simple: the human brain. [The Minotaur backs away] It has billions of optic and auditory nerves, four lobes and two hemispheres, and it's the only thing Edward Nygma respects.

Riddler: A lucky guess, that's all! But it won't save you, Batman! [to the Minotaur] DESTROY THEM!

Poison Ivy: [as Joker changes the channel in the TV] Hey, I was watching that!

Joker: And now you're watching this!

Poison Ivy: Change it back!

Joker: Nope, nope, nope, nope, don't want to.

Poison Ivy: Guard!

Security Guard: What's the problem?

Joker: Don't look now, Sonny Jim, but the plant lady's gone whackers again.

Poison Ivy: He started it! I was just sitting here!

Joker: That's right, you're always blaming me. And the children wonder why we fight!

---

Cameron Kaiser: Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...the Joker's Wild!

[Cameron Kaiser cuts the ribbon and unveils a casino with a gigantic Joker head. He is seen spoken to by Summer Gleeson]

Summer Gleeson: Ugh, that is disgusting!

Cameraman: Psst, Summer! We're on the air!

Summer Gleeson: [mortified] Oh! Uh... there you have it! Let's get a reaction from the guests. Mr. Wayne?

Bruce Wayne: [equally nauseated] No comment.

Summer Gleeson: Mr. Kaiser, why build a casino seemingly in honor of one of history's most notorious outlaws?

Cameron Kaiser: Summer, please! Wild Joker is a classic symbol, long associated with cards and games. I can't help it if there's a some passing resemblance to some criminal fruitcake.

[An enraged Joker smashes the television]

Joker: How dare that smug, preening fool try to cash in on MY image!

Poison Ivy: Now who should lighten up?

Joker: Don't get cute with me, Red. He's ripping me off! I'll protest! Yeah! I'll sue! Then I'll rip his lungs out! And I will, too!

---

Joker: It was a scheme worthy of me, Kaiser, the way you got me riled up and turned me loose on this place!

Cameron Kaiser: You...! You were supposed to destroy the casino!

Joker: Yeah, but then I realized it'd be more fun to get rid of you and run the show myself!

Cameron Kaiser: Bu-But you can't...!

Joker: Oh please, Mr. Kaiser! You of all people should have realized there'd be a Joker in the deck! [laughs]

Dorian: I want to test Tygrus' reflexes and feral strength, and who better to pit him against than you? I'll give you a generous head start before I release Tygrus. If you defeat him, I shall relinquish this, the antigen to reverse Catwoman's mutation.

Batman: How do I know you'll keep your word?

Dorian: You don't. The clock is ticking, Batman.

---

Batman: So you can talk.

Tygrus: My father taught me.

Batman: Your father was a test tube.

---

Catwoman: Batman! The antidote! I'll be stuck like this forever!

Tygrus: Would that be so bad? You could stay here, with me.

Catwoman: Oh, Tygrus... I can't live like this, I have to be human again.

Tygrus: [sadly, taking her hands in his] Goodbye, Selina.

[As he leaves, Catwoman sees that he has given here the serum. She looks overjoyed, then calls out to him]

Catwoman: Wait - won't you come with us? There's nothing for you here.

Tygrus: There's nothing for me anywhere. [disappears into the falling rain]

Batman: [in voiceover] "Tyger Tyger burning bright, in the forests of the night: what immortal hand or eye, dare frame thy fearful symmetry?"

Professor Milo: What you're suffering from is an early stage of lycanthropy, more commonly known as werewolfism; for that I have no treatment. However, advanced werewolfism can be cured.

Anthony Romulus: [after a wolf howls, Anthony starts transforming] Ohhh, you fool! There's no telling what the werewolf might do!

Professor Milo: Hey, ask me if I care.

---

Batman: Do me a favour, shaggy: stay down!

---

Bullock: No trace of Wolfie! We checked the shoreline for miles! But in four weeks, there's another full moon. Then we'll know for sure.

[Batman swoops away after rescuing his Sensei's student, Kairi]

Kairi: [In Japanese] Spirit of the bat...

---

Yoru: If you see Batman, tell him I have great respect for him.

Bruce: Why? He's as much a ninja as Kyodai was.

Yoru: Not so. Batman offered to help his adversary, and a lesser man would have used the secrets of the Onemuri touch against his opponent. Batman is the essence of samurai, Wayne-san. You would do well to remember that.

Bruce: [bows] Domo arigato, sensei.

Batman: Reports of a huge bat creature the size of a man. Remind you of anybody?

Alfred: Present company excluded?

---

Batman: You couldn't leave it alone, could you, March? You've recreated the mutagen.

March: [aiming a tranquilizer rifle at him] Recreated it? I've refined it! At night, on my own, so the others wouldn't know. I still believe only a creature like a Man-Bat can survive the next evolutionary cataclysm - and it will! My new serum could be even more powerful than Kirk's!

Batman: [after disarming March] "Could be"? What do you mean?

March: I needed to test it, but before I had the chance--

Batman: [clearly surprised] You mean you haven't taken it?

March: Of course not! The experimental batch was destroyed. I'll have to--

Batman: Destroyed? How?

March: I'd been working through the night. I was just completing the final combination. [remembers incident at his lab as he drops the beaker of mutagen upon Francine's surprise entry] Francine burst in. I was startled. You have to understand I was very tired, I accidentally dropped the beaker. The whole night's work, ruined! Francine never guessed what I was doing, she even helped me clean up the mess. All that... glass! [recalls Francine licking her finger after it is pricked by a small shard of glass] Oh... oh, my lord... Francine! The mutagen - it's in her bloodstream now! [breaks down at his folly as Batman loads a tranquilizer into a pistol of his and then gives March the formula paperwork]

Batman: Is that what it's going to take? Your daughter's life, before you end this insanity?

[Later that night, March burns the files]

Joker: I want a nice clean game, gentlemen.

Penguin: That'll be a first. So, I hear 'you-know-who' nailed the Mad Hatter last week.

Joker: No kidding. He sure gets around for one guy.

Two-Face: Yeah, well that's where you're wrong. I don't think it IS one guy.

Killer Croc: Huh?

Two-Face: The way I figure it, Gordon's got a bunch of 'em stashed someplace like a SWAT team. He wants you to think it's one guy, but-

Joker: Meh. You're always seeing double.

Penguin: It's obvious our caped friend suffered some crime-related trauma when he was younger. Perhaps an over-anxious mugger blew off a piece of his face.

Joker: Sure! He could be all gross and disgusting under that mask! [as Two-Face crushes a milk carton] Uh, no offense, Harv.

Two-Face: Just deal.

Killer Croc: Well, ya know what I think?

Joker: Not the robot theory again...

Killer Croc: Well, he COULD be.

---

Two-Face: Poison Ivy...

Poison Ivy: It's been a long time Harvey. You're still looking...halfway decent.

Two-Face: Half of me wants to strangle ya.

Poison Ivy: And what's the other part want?

Two-Face: To hit you with a truck!

Poison Ivy: [to the others] We used to date.

Penguin/Joker: Ah.

Penguin: Say, who's there? Two-Face? Croc? Joker, old shoe?

Batman: None of the above, Penguin.

Penguin: Oh no, not you...

Batman: Get used to it. Wherever you go, I'll be right behind you.

Penguin: Precisely where you belong. But you needn't bother. Haven't you heard? I've reformed. Paid my debt to society, and all that.

Batman: We'll see. I just came to tell you to keep your beak clean.

Penguin: [grabs a can of rat poison] As long as you're here, won't you stay for a cappuccino?

[Batman gives him an annoyed look before leaving]

---

[After Batman defeats a gang of thugs threatening the Penguin and Veronica]

Batman: I knew you couldn't stay clean for more than one day.

Veronica: Let him go! He didn't do anything. It was those brutes!

Batman: [genuinely surprised] He wasn't with them?

Penguin: That's right, you vulgar vigilante! In my day, I associated with a much higher class of riff-raff!

Veronica: I'm so sorry, Ozzie.

Penguin: As long as you weren't bruised, my peach. [kisses her hand]

Batman: "Peach"?

Penguin: Why don't you be a good masked man and ride off into the night? This time, I'll clean up after you.

---

Veronica: Please, Oswald! If it's money you want, I can get you more!

Penguin: SHUT UP! All I wanted from you, dearie, was a little friendship. That would have cost you nothing. But now you'll pay!

---

Veronica: Oswald? I really was growing fond of you. It's too bad this had to happen.

Penguin: [coldly] I suppose it's true what they say: society is to blame. High society.

Batman: "Where does a 500 pound gorilla sleep?" "What's worse than a millipede with flat feet?" "How do you stuff five elephants into a compact car?"

Alfred: Anywhere it wants, a giraffe with a sore throat, and two in the front seat, two in the back, and one in the trunk.

Batman: Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. Any schoolboy knows those. But brain teasers are the Riddler's M.O. Not corny old jokes like these.

Alfred: Perhaps the questions are the clues, not the answers. For example, they all seem to involve animals.

Batman: Also numbers. A 500 pound gorilla. A millipede, meaning a thousand legs. And five elephants. Now let's convert them to Roman numerals. [he does, revealing the letters DMV] Look!

Alfred: DMV...

Batman and Alfred: Department of Motor Vehicles!

Alfred: But I recall you mentioning he'd already obliterated his records there, so why return?

Batman: For the hard copy.

---

Riddler: Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no tales.

Batman: Another riddle, Nygma?

[Four quarters and a single penny emerge from the return change chute]

Riddler: It all makes sense when you add it up!

[In the Batmobile]

Alfred: Four quarters and a penny, sir?

Batman: Penny... Penny... Cent... Red cent... Copper. It's made of copper.

Alfred: And "copper" is another word for a policeman.

Batman: And "no tails" would be heads. Police head... Quarters!

Alfred: Police Headquarters. Bravo, sir! It does make "cents" when you add it up!

---

Robin: He can't be online! I searched through every file.

Riddler: You searched the software. Had you bothered to examine the hardware you would have discovered a cordless modem line.

Riddler: A pity you can't earn extra lives in this game.Quite an experience being riddled with questions, isn't it, Batman

Robin: Batman don't open that door Crazy Intent means Loco Motion!

Batman finds himself on a chessboard:

Riddler:Only Batman can put the King in check and you have to move according to the rules or its the end of the day

Robin:They call you the dark Knight..so you have to move like a knight

(If Batman fails to move as a knight it'll be "KNightfall" (!)

Riddler:Careful, vigilante, you know what they say, "Curiosity killed the Bat".

Batman: Can you solve it?

Robin: Are you kidding? You're looking at the guy who solved the Baxter's Box puzzle in 37 seconds! Course, this time I don't have a sledge hammer...

After escaping Riddler Virtual realty Traps, Batman tries to rescue Gordon from Riddler

Batman: You may control this world, Nygma, but I still control myself!

Riddler: The name is "Riddler"! Edward Nygma doesn't exist anymore! You may recall that he was once fired by an ungrateful employer! That was a private matter and was meant to remain one!

Batman: Attempted homicide is never a "private matter", Nygma!

Riddler: No, but it would have been if you hadn't interfered and turned Edward Nygma into a fugitive! So I deleted Nygma. Just as I'm about to delete you, Batman.

Batman:Tell me this.. Riddler how can you spread your conscious thirty-two times..and still have the concentration to keep your world together? YOU CAN'T!

Batman saves Gordon

Riddler: No....NO..... I can escape that easy...but if the Planet was equitable...I'd still have my old Job....No...wait...I'M ...not Ready.....AHHHHH'

Gordon: But we'll never find him

Batman: I think he left us a clue..."If the planet were equitable, I'd still have my old job".

Robin: Of course. If the "World's Fair," I'd still have my "Ex-position". Oh, give me a break.

[Batman, Robin and Gordon find Riddler mind trapped in his virtual realty world]

Batman: Looks like he didn't escape his virtual reality in time.

Robin: You mean he's been trapped inside his own program?

Batman: Could be and how to get him out may be a riddle no one can solve.

Batman: A weary body can be dealt with. But a weary spirit? That's something else. Sometimes, old friend, I wonder if I'm really doing any good out there.

Alfred: How can you doubt it? The lives you've saved, the criminals you've brought to justice--

Batman: I've put out a few fires, yes. Won a few battles. But the war goes on, Alfred. On and on...

---

Dr. Leslie Thompkins: You seem quieter than usual tonight.

Batman: Every year, I come here and wonder if it should be the last time. If I should put the past behind me, try to lead a normal life.

Dr. Thompkins: Santayana says, "Those who forget the past are condemned to repeat it."

Batman: He also said a fanatic is someone who redoubles his efforts while losing sight of his goal.

---

Batman: I chose this life. I use the night - I became the night. Sooner or later, I'll go down. It might be the Joker, or Two-Face, or just some punk who gets lucky. My decision, no regrets. But I can't let anyone else pay for my mistakes.

---

Batman: "When you look too long into the abyss, the abyss looks back through you." Maybe it's time for Batman to return to the night that spawned him, before anyone else gets hurt!

---

Batman: [grabs Wizard] Up to your old tricks, I see. How about returning that suitcase to its owner?

Wizard: Hey, man, I am the owner.

[Batman, surprised, lets him go]

Wizard: Y'know, I was kinda hoping I'd run into you. I'd been in those places like where you left me before. Heard the rap, wasn't impressed. But this time, it made sense. Maybe I was ready to hear it. So I'm heading back home. I guess I kinda owe it to you, Batman. You probably saved my life. I'll bet you hear this all the time. Look, I'm gonna miss my bus, I'll see you around. And... thanks.

[Batman smiles as he watches Wizard leave]

Talia: My contact lenses! I lost them when we fell! They counter the distortion effect. Without them, I'm as helpless as you.

Batman: I don't do helpless.

---

Ra's al Ghul: So even in defeat, the detective manages to achieve some small measure of victory. As you said, detective: this is not over.

Joker: You know, there's just one thing bothering me about your story, Sid. No body. No BATUS DELECTI so to speak. We need to pull a job tonight just to make sure.

Murphy, Joker's henchman: Make sure what, boss?

Joker: [surprised by Murphy's question] Why that old Batsy's bought the cave of course, and one more thing Murphy.....[turning more annoyed] don't ask stupid questions. [pushes Murphy to the hyenas who scratch and lick him crazily, to Joker's satisfaction]

Harley Quinn: I'll get the mop.

---

Joker: When the cops come, stall them for awhile, just until Batman arrives. Got it?

Henchman: Right, boss.

Joker: [to Murphy, still scarred from the hyenas] Any questions, Murph?

Murphy: No sir!

Joker: [to Sid The Squid] Good man. And if Batman hasn't really gone to his final reward, we'll see that he gets there!

---

Joker: Dear friends... today is the day the Clown cried. And he cries not for the passing of one man, but for the death of a dream. The dream that he would someday taste the ultimate victory over his hated enemy. For it was the Batman who made me the happy soul I am today. How I agonized over the perfect way to thank him for that. Perhaps with a cyanide pie in the face. Or an exploding whoopie-cushion playfully planted in the Batmobile. But those dreams were dashed by the weaselly little gunsel sitting there in our midst. The cowardly insignificant gonif who probably got lucky when Batman slipped on the slime trail this loser left behind him. This mound of diseased hyena filth who's not fit to lick the dirt from my spats...! But I digress. The time for sorrow has passed. It's time to look to a future filled with smiles. And I'll be smiling again just as soon as we take that man THERE...and slap him in that box THERE...and roll him into that vat of acid THERE! Well that was fun...who's for Chinese?!

Clayface: [After civilians flee in terror upon seeing his true form] That's right, run! Run for your measly lives! Run from Clayface!

---

Clayface: You've upstaged me for the last time, Batman. Time to bring down the curtain!

Rupert Thorne: You think you iced the Batman, huh? Heh heh heh... Not on your best day, Jake! I'd cover my back if I were you.

---

Bruce Wayne: Bruce Wayne, Dr. Thorne. Thomas Wayne's son. Did you get my letter?

Matthew Thorne: Yes. Thomas Wayne...

Bruce Wayne: I told you I can help with your legal costs, maybe even put in a good word with the judge.

Matthew Thorne: Yes, but what do you get out of it?

Bruce Wayne: Well, there is something you can do for me.

Matthew Thorne: I knew it! I knew there'd be a catch. Sorry, Mr. Wayne. Matthew Thorne is no longer for sale!

Bruce Wayne: I'm not looking for any illegal favors.

Matthew Thorne: What then?

Bruce Wayne: Something you know. Something only you can give me. [pause] Tell me about my father.

[Dr. Thorne grins and camera pans out as he ushers Bruce to resume his seat]

Zatanna: What do you care about some leggy dame in nylons- or have I just answered my own question?

---

Zatanna: [About Batman's mask] What happened that made you put this on?

Batman: A painful memory, and a promise.

The Penguin: [furious at his men for stealing the wrong stamps by mistake] These are terrible! Terrible!

Eagleton: [indignant] Come on, boss. Give me a break. We got you the stamps. What more do you want?

The Penguin: [tossing the worthless stamps angrily] I wanted the rare ones! The reversed Audubons! These aren't worth enough to pay for the repairs to the limousine.

---

Earl Cooper: [sees the damaged Batmobile] You been letting the kid drive again?

Robin: Ha ha. Actually we were playing chicken with a penguin.

Batman: Or three of his men.

---

[The Penguin is scrubbing license plates in prison]

Penguin: [reading one] "1 BAT 4U"?! [breaks it in anger]

Joker: NO, we didn't get the diamond! The Dork Knight showed up before we even got to the museum! I had a great shot at him, too. Except... my dear little Harley Quinn handed me the wrong gun!

Harley Quinn: But puddin', it was kinda funny watching you shoot at him with the bang flag! [Rocco and Henshaw can't help laughing then stifle it as the Joker glares at them]

Joker: [turning back to Harley] Funny? You presume to tell me what I should think is funny?!?

---

Harley Quinn: [Poison Ivy trips the alarm, spoiling and hers and Harley Quinn's separate robberies] Nice going, butterfingers! Why not turn on the Bat-Signal while you're at it?

Poison Ivy: I wasn't TRYING to get caught!

Harley Quinn: Could've fooled me! Hey, aren't you that plant lady Poison Oakie?

Poison Ivy: Ivy! Poison IVY, not Oakie!

Harley Quinn: Sorry! Harley Quinn, please to meet ya!

---

[Poison Ivy is about to give an injection to Harley Quinn]

Harley Quinn: I hate shots! I hate shots!

Poison Ivy: Now, now. You're not immune to poison like I am, and you won't last ten minutes here in Toxic Acres without my antidote. [gives the injection]

Harley Quinn: Oooh! Whew, you'd think after livin' with Mr. J, I'd be used to a little pain.

Poison Ivy: Why do you put up with that clown?

Harley Quinn: Don't get me wrong. My puddin's a little rough sometimes, but he loves me, really.

Poison Ivy: [sarcastically] Sure he does. You're just one big, forgiving doormat, aren't you?

Harley Quinn: I am NOT a doormat! ...Am I?

Poison Ivy: If you had a middle name, it would be Welcome. But cheer up, kid. You just need some lessons in good old female self-esteem. In other words, let's play with the boys on our terms.

---

Poison Ivy: That should keep you big strong men busy while we weak little girls loot your trophy room.

Harley Quinn: Gee, Ives, you got style!

---

Harley Quinn: [sighs softly] No offense, Ives, but I'm not very hungry. Somehow I don't feel like my old perky self.

---

Harley Quinn: [to Poison Ivy] I remember when I would go driving like this with Mr. J.

Poison Ivy: [imitating Harley Quinn] "Mr. J, Mr. J." Oh, change the record, Harls!

Bruce Wayne: [indignant after reading about James Gordon's arrest] We'll see about this.

---

Barbara Gordon: So Batman can't help me? Fine. Let's see what Batgirl can do!

Two-Face: Don't get wise with me, Mason. Remember who got you set up as Gordon's assistant?

Gil Mason: Right, Harvey, right.

Two-Face: [grabs him] Don't call me that! It's TWO-FACE to you, pretty boy!

---

Batman: I should've known it would be Two-Face. It's a perfect two-part plan. He consolidates the gangs while Mason takes over the police.

---

[Gil Mason is about to murder James Gordon to become commissioner, and later mayor]

Gil Mason: It's business, Jim. Nothing personal. Matter of fact, I respect you, I do. But a fellow has to take his opportunities where he finds them. And with you out of the way, I'll be mayor inside of a year!

Gordon: You're SICK, Gil! [glances at Two-Face] A lot sicker than him! At least I can see his bad half!

Mason: Sorry you feel that way. At least you won't have to worry about Barbara. I'll take good care of her. She's very fond of me, you know.

Gordon: You piece of scum! I may not be able to stop you, but I know someone who will!

Mason: I wouldn't get your hopes up. You see, there's been a recent decline in the bat population...

Penguin: Your aim appears to be a little off today, Batman. I don't think you could hit the broad side of a barn, let alone the broad side of this bird! You're blind as a bat. Sightless and helpless.

Batman: You've got one right.

---

Alfred: You have a call on your private line.

Bruce: Then let's go!

Alfred: In your condition, sir?

Bruce: If you think a little inconvenience like this is going to stop me...

[he knocks over a lamp]

Alfred: Indeed.

---

Penguin: [contacting Mayor Hill's office from the Raven] Quite a machine, this Raven. Amazing what its communications equipment can do. Don't you agree? You've received my instructions?

Mayor Hill: They arrived by messenger this morning. You know, one-hundred million is a a lot of money. It'll take time to raise that much.

Penguin: You're stalling, Hill. Obviously, you're not taking me seriously. I've warned you not to make that mistake. Apparently, I'll have to show you why.

[shuts off communication and Hill angrily snaps his pencil in half]

---

Mayor Hill: Just what I was afraid of. According to the controller's office, we can't come close to putting that ransom together. Not without shutting down basic municipal services.

Detective Bullock: So what other options do we got?

Batman: [emerging from the shadows] None, gentlemen. Which is why you're going to do exactly what the Penguin wants you to.

Ra's al Ghul: As Napoleon told me, "A strong will can fuel a frail physique."

---

Ra's Al Ghul: Look at it, detective. One of the last of the rainforests. The world depends upon its oxygen, yet the rich see only profit in its destruction. You, who belong to the overclass, have much to answer for.

Batman: Bruce Wayne donates millions of dollars a year to preserve these forests.

Ra's Al Ghul: Which are being depleted at the rate of 120,000 acres a day. Does your money solve this problem? No! It will take more than wealth. It will take power, and I fear, ruthlessness. Humankind must be forced to serve the planet instead of its own appetites.

Batman: And you're the one who'll do the forcing?

Ra's Al Ghul: I am... qualified, yes. But I may not have sufficient lifetimes left to me.

Ubu: Infidel!

Batman: If you only knew how sick I am of you calling me that!

---

Ra's al Ghul: The material of the Pit is an unknown chemical stew that bubbles to the Earth's surface only in certain key places. Even now, my people are placing bombs, such as that one, over the various Lazarus Pits around the world. These bombs are electronically linked to a private satellite already in Earth orbit.

Batman: Orpheus.

Ra's al Ghul: Precisely. And at the moment when sun and moon are in proper alignment to cause the greatest upheaval in Earth's geomagnetic field, I shall send a signal to that satellite, beginning a countdown. Five minutes thereafter, one bomb will be lowered deep into the heart of each Pit. The satellite will in turn relay a microwave signal that will detonate all the bombs simultaneously. The multiple explosions will result in a global chain reaction. All the Lazarus Pits throughout the world will overflow. The globe will be saturated with their chemical solution, and when the resultant cataclysm has abated, there will come a blessed peace, and this poor, defiled planet shall find itself restored to its former pristine glory.

Batman: But that will cost countless lives!

Ra's al Ghul: Actually, Detective, we have counted: Two billion, fifty-six million, nine hundred and eighty-six thousand! A most impressive plan, would you not agree?

Batman: Yes... I can see it clearly now for the first time. You are completely out of your mind.

Rossum: You don't understand. You're not a man's mind in a robot's body. You're a robot. Period.

Bat-Duplicant: You're lying! It's not possible! I know my family and friends! I remember names, faces, birthdays! I have memories! A past!

Rossum: You have information. Data. Nothing more. Do you remember your first kiss? Your favorite song? The last time you tasted a really good steak?

---

Batman: [about the duplicant] Could it be it had a soul, Alfred? A soul of silicon, but a soul nonetheless.

Stavros: Please! It's not what you think. I wasn't going to say anything. Honest!

Maximillion "Maxie" Zeus: Silence! First, you transgress against me. Then, you force me to descend to the mortal plane. And now, you tell me I know not what I think?!

Stavros: No!

Zeus: To the depths of Tartarus with you!

---

Zeus: You bore me with these tales of petty human concerns.

Clio: [annoyed] You're doing it again, Max.

Zeus: You are Clio, my muse of history. Amuse me with tales of ancient times when mortals trembled at the name of Zeus.

Clio: You want a story? I got one. Seems there was this guy named Max who, because he'd been lucky so far in the smuggling racket, believed himself to be untouchable, superior, godlike...

Zeus: There's a cynical edge to your voice I don't appreciate. Know you not, I am above mortal constraints of right and wrong?

Clio: No one is above the law, Max.

Zeus: I make my own laws!

---

Zeus: Begone, Lord Hades. Get thee back to thine own realm. Do not come again to Olympus until bidden!

Batman: I think I get the message.

---

Clio: [telling Batman about Zeus] He wasn't always this way, you know. But then business got bad and he started handling cargo for the mob. After a while, with the pressure, the tension... things got confused. He's not living in the real world anymore. [awkwardly] Maybe you can relate to that?

Batman: [after a short silence] You're the only one who can get me close enough to help him - while some of the man you knew still exists.

Batman: How do you think I found this place? The phone book? I had help. Inside help.

Scarface: My premonition! I knew I was right! Which one of you louses is it?!

Rhino: It ain't me boss!

Scarface: I know it ain't you, Rhino! You're too stupid to be a traitor!

Rhino: Thanks, boss.

Scarface: But whoever it is, they're gonna pay big time! Who is it?! You don't talk, you get the ultimate massage!

Batman: And if I tell?

Scarface: Maybe you just get run over by a truck.

Batman: Tempting, but no.

Scarface: Have it your way. Rhino!

[Rhino gets ready to pull the lever to lower Batman to a pit of mannequins with razor-sharp fingernails]

Batman: Hold it!

Scarface: This is gettin' old, Bats. Last chance, who's the traitor?

Batman: Him! The Ventriloquist!

[everyone glares at the Ventriloquist]

Ventriloquist: No, no! He's lying! I told you when he came into my room!

Scarface: So what? Maybe you did 'cause I had ya cornered. Heard ya talkin' to Batman.

Batman: [uses his own ventriloquism to imitate the Ventriloquist] Shut up, you blockhead!

Scarface: WHAT DID YOU SAY?!

Ventriloquist: It wasn't me! I didn't say that! My lips didn't move!

Scarface: So what?! You're a ventriloquist! You're also a lyin' yellow liver-bellied two-face!

Ventriloquist: No, Scarface! I'm loyal! I'd never!

Batman: He's been feeding me information, in return for legal protection. [imitates the Ventriloquist again] You're going up the river, sawdust-for-brains!

Scarface: Why, I oughta...! Waste the floor-flusher! Come on, I gave an order! ICE HIM! DO IT! DO IT NOW!

Muggsy: But, boss, we ventilate the Ventriloquist, your, y'know...

Scarface: I'M SURROUNDED BY TRAITORS! Okay, fine. Ya want something done right, do it yourself! [aims his gun at the Ventriloquist]

Veronica: If ever someone led a worry-free life, it's you, Bruce Wayne.

---

Bruce: Tell me, Alfred: what's an ancient Mayan witch doctor doing on a Gotham skyscraper?

Alfred: This isn't one of those Riddler questions, is it?

Bruce: No, but it's just as confusing.

---

[As Batman attempts to escape from his guillotine]

Mad Hatter: Oh, you're a clever one! But I will not be denied! As the great Lewis Carroll said: "One, two, one, two, and through and through the vorpal blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head, he went galumphing back!"

---

[Freed from his mind control, the Mad Hatter's jaguar gang turn on him]

Mad Hatter: Stop!

Shaman: Yes, stop. Leave him to the police.

Mad Hatter: Thank you. Thank you, you generous, forgiving, [draws a gun from his hat] noble fool!

---

Alfred: I must say, after all the Hatter put him through, that fellow showed remarkable restraint.

Bruce: When everything was said and done, all the shaman really wanted was to go home. In fact, I hear he even sent the Hatter a farewell gift.

[The Hatter is seen tossing and turning in bed in Arkham]

Bruce: Something to ensure that Jervis Tetch only dreams of a good honest life from now on.

[A Batman doll is revealed from under the Hatter's pillow]

Killer Croc: You know, there's something the brains back at the joint didn't think about.

Prison Guard: Yeah, what's that?

Killer Croc: Crocodile's got the strongest jaws of any animal around. [bites his handcuffs in half]

Prison Guard: [spits the coffee out of his mouth and pins Croc with the shotgun] Get back!

---

[Batman arrives with his shadow. Goliath wakes up and Batman covers Goliath's mouth by calming him down]

Batman: Calm down, I won't hurt you. I'm just looking for someone: half man, half crocodile. [Goliath looks over worriedly] He's in there, isn't he?

Goliath: [Pushes Batman to the cage] No! Stay away! [Holds him against it] He's one of us. Croc, run!

Batman: [Kicks Goliath into the stomach] I don't wanna hurt you.

Goliath: Don't worry, you won't. [Hits Batman with the big punch and Batman and Goliath starts fighting]

Killer Croc: [Comes out of the house] You. [Gives Batman a spear]

Billy: Richard, help!

---

Billy the Seal Boy: Why, Croc? Why'd you turn on us like that? We could have helped you, we could have done something.

Killer Croc: You said you can be yourself out here, remember? Well, I guess that's what I was doing - being myself.

Bullock: Let's get something straight from the get-go. I think you're a freak and a menace, and those are your good points. But the commish says you serve a purpose, so I go along.

Batman: I appreciate your honesty. What's the problem?

Bullock: Somebody's got it in for me. Tried to give me a fender massage last night. It ain't the first time. Last week too.

Batman: Any suspects?

Bullock: So many, they could have their own zip code. I've put a lot of guys away, and they hate me for it. Looks like one of them hates me enough to do something about it.

Batman: Why me? Why not just go to the department?

Bullock: I step on a lot of toes. I don't want Internal Affairs looking at me too close. They might find some things I don't want found.

Batman: Are you on the take?

Bullock: Watch it, freak! I never took a dime from nobody! I just bend the rules a little sometimes, you understand. We're not all that different.

Batman: We're on the same side, but we're not the same. I'll help you find out who's after you, but you've got to collar them clean.

---

Alfred: We are speaking of the same person, are we not? Harvey Bullock? The detective who looks like an unmade bed?

Batman: The same.

Alfred: He came to you for help? It must be serious.

---

Montoya: Bullock? You okay? You don't look so good. I mean, you never look good, but today you look worse.

Bullock: After fifteen years working in this cesspool, I'd like to see how good you look!

---

[In the Batmobile]

Bullock: Nice starship you got here. What's this for? [points towards a button]

Batman: Passenger ejector seat.

[Bullock withdraws nervously, while Batman smirks slightly]

---

Bullock: By the way, I still think you're a freak, but... thanks.

Two-Face: Basic fifty-fifty option. You get him off, you both go free. He goes down, you take the fall with him.

Mad Hatter: Amusing idea, what? Kidnapping you to be Batman's attorney?

Two-Face: Personally, I suggested a quick slug between the eyes... but I lost the coin toss.

---

Scarface: Court is now in session! The Good People of Arkham Asylum vs. the Self-Righteous Vigilante Called Batman! Our prosecutor is ready, likewise our fair and impartial jury.

Mad Hatter: Hang him!

Harley: Shoot him!

Killer Croc: Hit him with a rock!

Scarface: And now, all rise for the most honorable, most benevolent, most merciful Judge Joker!

Joker: GUILTY!

Janet Van Dorn: I was promised a chance to defend my client!

Joker: Oh, very well. Like it'll make a difference.

---

Janet Van Dorn: I suppose that you, like your friends, claim that Batman drove you to be a criminal?

Mad Hatter: He did.

Janet Van Dorn: And yet, as I recall in your case, you brainwashed and kidnapped a woman who rejected you.

Mad Hatter: Batman forced me to do it! He was going to take her away from me! I had no choice!

Janet Van Dorn: You could have respected her wishes and left her alone.

Mad Hatter: I'D HAVE KILLED HER FIRST! [gasps and covers his mouth, then turns to the Joker] I'd like that last statement stricken from the record, please.

Joker: Record? Is someone supposed to be writing this down?

---

Janet Van Dorn: And so it's Batman's fault you lead a life of crime?

Poison Ivy: He should have let me bump off Harvey Dent. We'd all have been better off - wouldn't we, Harv?

Two-Face: [muttering while flipping his coin] Why, you rotten little...

Janet Van Dorn: But Miss Isley, isn't the real motivation for your crimes your obsession with plants? That you prefer them to people?

Poison Ivy: I love plants, honey, but a rose is a rose.

Janet Van Dorn: Then it doesn't bother you when someone, let's say the judge here, [plucks the flower from the Joker's robe] ruthlessly plucks a defenceless flower from the warm green earth?

Poison Ivy: No!

Janet Van Dorn: Even knowing he's given it his death sentence? That its petals must die? [starts pulling its petals out]

Poison Ivy: Stop it...!

Poison Ivy: One by one, withering, falling. One by one till it's all gone, honey.

[She crushes the flower so that it crumbles apart. Ivy shrieks with rage and attacks her, and the Scarecrow and Mad Hatter rush in to restrain her]

Mad Hatter: Miss Ivy, please!

Scarface: You look beautiful when you're angry.

[Ivy smacks the Ventriloquist in the face, and Scarface laughs]

---

Janet Van Dorn: I used to believe Batman was responsible for you people. But now I see nearly everyone here would have ended up exactly the same, Batman or not. Oh, the gimmicks might be different, but you'd all be out there in some form or another bringing misery to Gotham. The truth is, you created him.

---

Joker: Well done, counsellor. You've proven that Batman didn't create us - that we, in fact, messed up our own rotten lives! And as we are so rotten, vile and depraved... we're going to waste you anyway!

[The inmates cheer and close in on Batman and Janet]

Joker: A-bi-a-bi-a-bi, that's all, folks! [bangs down a rubber chicken] Let's mambo!

---

Janet Van Dorn: I see now there's a need for the things you do. But I'm still going to work towards a city that doesn't need Batman.

Batman: [smiling] Me too.

Lucius Fox: Without a doubt, this will be one of the best museum exhibitions Gotham City has ever seen. You can be quite the humanitarian on occasion, Bruce. It's commendable. It's inspiring.

Bruce: It's deductible.

---

Bruce: You've got a serious priority problem, Ra's. What can be in that tomb that's more valuable than the love of your daughter?

Ra's Al Ghul: Power, detective. The power once held by almighty Thoth-Khepera, Queen of Two Continents.

Bruce: You surprise me, Ra's. The world's oldest chauvinist chasing after a woman?

Ra's Al Ghul: Thoth-Khepera was not simply a woman, detective, nor merely a ruler. Through her flowed the power of the gods. With no more than a gesture, she controlled the force of life and death, and with it, she kept a nation under her thumb for one thousand years.

Bruce: You sound like a bad Saturday afternoon serial, Ra's. This is sheer nonsense.

Ra's Al Ghul: No, detective - I know there is a power there to be tapped! My six hundred years of life are proof of that power.

[Bruce and Talia are trapped in a glass booth]

Ra's Al Ghul: Farewell, detective. Farewell, Talia. It is said that one finds one's immortality in one's offspring. Alas, I know that to be a lie.

Batman: She's done nothing more incriminating than return an overdue video - even paid the late fee.

Alfred: Could it be Ivy truly has reformed?

Batman: I want to believe it. Why can't I?

---

Batman: You haven't changed a bit.

Poison Ivy: Yes, I have. I meant it when I said I wanted a family that loves me. I just wanted it on my terms.

Robin: Lady, you're nuts!

Poison Ivy: Well, that's your opinion. Probably the last one you'll ever have, too.

---

Robin: I'm just sorry she got away.

Batman: Me too, Robin. But I don't think we'll see her again anytime soon.

[The real Ivy is shown escaping on a plane out of Gotham, looking through a scrapbook]

Batman: Ivy lost everything she had, everything she said she ever wanted. For what it's worth, I believed her when she told me that for the first time in her life... she was happy.

[Ivy sheds tears as she looks at a photo of her wedding]

Warren: Is this all you do for kicks, Bruce? Charity work?

Bruce: Well, I do have a night life. Pull! [shoots down a clay pigeon] Besides, it's important to help others. It may sound corny, but hey, it's how I feel.

Warren: You must recognize that you are a superior animal, Bruce. A member of the elite. Pull! [shoots down another clay pigeon] Take my Delta brothers and me. Why, we've run with the bulls!

Armand: Shot game from hot air balloons!

Gunther: Killed a great white!

Warren: We've done it all. Ah, therein lies the problem. After all, what do the rajas do when there are no more tigers to hunt?

Bruce: I'm sure you'll think of something, Warren. [leaves]

Warren: Dollar for dollar, that has to be the dullest man in Gotham City.

---

Batman: Scoundrels like these are worse than the Joker. At least he's got madness as an excuse!

---

Batman: Let's go, Fox. You've raided your last chicken coop.

Warren: Wait, wait a minute! We can make a deal! A million dollars to let me go! Ten million! Think about it. Buys a lot of Batarangs!

Batman: [unimpressed] Your money's no good here.

Warren: Okay, fine! Go ahead, take me in, hero! I've got every judge in town in my pocket! You'll see! I'll get justice! The best that money can buy!

[Next, Warren is seen being ushered into a cell at Stonegate, where his burly new cellmate gives him a menacing look]

Harley: [in handcuffs] I sense a lack of trust.

Robin: Are you sure you don't need help keeping Zippy under control?

[Harley picks the lock on her cuffs while Batman speaks]

Batman: I'm fine. Besides, I need you to be ready if Gordon's men get any leads. I'll signal if there's trouble.

Robin: You got it.

Harley: I wanna listen to the radio! [reaches for the controls]

Batman: DON'T--!

[Harley Quinn deploys a parachute, causing the Batmobile to swerve wildly. When the Batmobile stops, Batman is furious]

Harley: [timidly] Oops...

Batman: Listen, and listen good. You don't touch anything, say anything, or DO ANYTHING UNLESS I TELL YOU! GOT IT?!

Harley: Yes, sir.

Batman: [turns away, Harley begins making faces at him] So far, Joker hasn't been seen in any of his old hideouts. I want you to show me the last place he used when he escaped. [catches her making a face, which she replaces with a sheepish grin]

Harley: Okay!

---

Joker: Instead of taking you, the cops, and the Batman down separately? I'm gonna blast you all at once! [takes out his phone and speaks into it] Send down the plane, boys! We're blowing town! Literally. [gets off the phone]

Mayor: But all those innocent people...

Joker: Some joke on them, eh? Think of it as the ultimate punchline! Ha ha ha ha ha!

---

Robin: It's lucky you were here, Quinn. The countdown sequence didn't leave Joker enough time to swing by Arkham and pick you up.

Joker: Quiet, brat.

Harley: You were gonna come for me, weren't you, Puddin'?

Joker: Of course, pumpkin-pie! It's just that... well, here you are, so I can, err, save myself the trip!

Harley: But what about all our friends, Ivy and Two-Face and... Hat-Guy and Lizard-Man and Puppet-Head and-- [Joker shoves her into the plane]

Joker: What about them?

Batman: Don't forget your little pets!

Harley: [gasps] The babies! We can't leave the babies!

Joker: [shoves Harley into the plane again] I'll buy you a goldfish! Let's go!

Harley: [struggling] NO!

Joker: Why, you little...!

[Harley kicks him in the face]

---

Harley: [points the gun against Joker] Freeze, clown!

Batman: Quinn, stop!

Harley: He's mine, Bats!

Joker: [grinning] You wouldn't dare. You don't have the guts! Not in a million years would you--

[Harley pulls the trigger - and a flag that reads "Rat-Tat-Tat" comes out of the barrel. The Joker stares at her for a moment, and throws his arms wide to embrace her]

Joker: Baby, you're the greatest!

Mayor Hill: You! How did you get past--

The Clock King: Good evening, Mayor! Nice to see you again too. And whose life are you ruining now? A poor pensioner? A malnourished orphan, perhaps?

---

Mayor Hill: Please, Fugate, don't hurt me!

The Clock King: If it's any comfort, my revenge will encompass more than just you. I intend to pass a most timely sentence on the entire judicial system.

---

Batman: It's a shame that you've decided to keep this device a secret.

Dr. Wataki: It would seem that the world is not quite ready for it yet.

Robin: Gee, that's too bad for Fugate. I'm sure he'll wish he had something to make the days pass quicker where he's going.

Scarface: Calm down, pussycat. We're all friends here. [to the Ventriloquist] Dummy, don't keep our pretty guest in the dark.

Ventriloquist: Yes, sir, Mr. Scarface. [turns on the lot, revealing him and Scarface]

Scarface: Ah, that's better.

Selina Kyle: [gasps] You gotta be kidding! [laughs]

Scarface: What's she laughin' at? My fly ain't open, is it?!

Ventriloquist: No, sir.

Scarface: So what's the gag?

Selina Kyle: Oh come on, you know! [in a goofy voice] "What's the gag?"

Scarface: [aims his gun at Selina] Can it, sister! This is Scarface you're dealing with, and I don't stand for no disrespect.

Ventriloquist: I'd do as he says, ma'am. Mr. Scarface can be quite insistent.

Scarface: I don't think anyone's talking to you!

Ventriloquist: No, sir. No, sir.

Selina Kyle: Right... so, what do you want with me?

Scarface: My boys happened to be in the museum when they saw your little set-to with Miss Ronnie V. They also seen you licking your whiskers at the sight of Ronnie's pretty sparklers.

Selina Kyle: You're boring me, log.

[the Ventrloquist pulls out an envelope from his coat]

Scarface: So what if I could provide you with a foolproof plan to snatchin' those rocks with no risk of you gettin' caught?

Selina Kyle: Pass. Kitty's been staying it at night. It's not the greatest, but it beats the pound, if you know what I mean.

Scarface: Now, that's a darn shame. And I thought for sure you'd want a chance to get even with the freelance. Not just for yourself, ya understand, but for all those poor little stuffed critters what never had the chance to fight back.

Selina Kyle: Oh, barf.

Scarface: It's a 50/50 cut. Take it or leave it? You in or what?

[Selina thinks about it for a while then picks up the envelope]

---

Catwoman: What a pleasant surprise. Though I should warn you - breaking and entering is against the law.

Batman: You would know.

---

Scarface: I thawt I thaw a putty tat!

---

[Catwoman crushes Scarface under some logs]

Catwoman: That's one way to remove a splinter. What's wrong, Ventriloquist? Cat got your tongue?

Ventriloquist: Please, I never hurt you! Scarface, he's another person, not me, really!

Catwoman: But he's inside you somewhere. And I'm going to keep scratching until I find him.

---

Catwoman: I am the cat who walks by herself.

Thorne: You almost didn't get paid. You're lucky these diamonds didn't get nabbed in the smuggling bust.

Bane: No, Mr. Thorne. You are the lucky one. [He punches the punching bag across the room]

---

Batman: He wrecked my car, Alfred. Between two guys, that's real personal.

---

Bane: Toys. You try to fight me with pathetic little TOYS. You've got nothing! Beg for mercy! SCREAM MY NAME!

Batman: Never.

Bane: You are beaten! Now I will break you!

Robin: [on "Love That Baby"] I remember this show from when I was a kid. It still stinks.

---

[At Wayne Manor, Summer Gleeson is on the telephone talking to Marv Wolfman at her office.]

Summer Gleeson: I don't care what Mayor Hill says. The people have a right to know, and if he won't talk to us-- [Batman drops a photo of Baby-Doll onto her desk] I'll call you back, Marv. [to Batman and Robin] Since when are you interested in has-been actors?

Batman: Since that one's been kidnapping her co-stars.

Summer Gleeson: You're serious?

Robin: She's been picking them off, one by one. Any reason she'd have a grudge?

Summer Gleeson: Actually, they should hate her. Dahl put them all out of work when she quit the series to become a "dramatic" actress.

[Summer plays a video of Mary Dahl playing Lady Macbeth]

Mary Dahl: What, will these hands never be clean? Here's the smell of the blood still. All the perfumes of Arabia will not sweeten this little hand.

Robin: Pee-yew!

Summer Gleeson: That's what the critics said. Baby's dramatic career flopped, and when she tried to start her TV show again, the networks turned her down.

Batman: That still doesn't explain why she's after her old cast.

Robin: [picks up a cassette] Maybe there's a clue in these old episodes.

Summer Gleeson: You can borrow them if you want. And when you crack the case, you can pay me back with an exclusive... [turns to see that they have gone] interview.

---

Baby-Doll: Naughty, naughty, Daddys! Mustn't yell at your Baby like thats.

Tod Baker: You're not my daughter, and we're not a family! We're actors, remember?! You cancelled our show because you whined you weren't getting enough attention!

Baby-Doll: [putting on a sad face] But I knows now I made a boo-boo! [sniffles and breaks character] It was hard for me out there. I studied and trained and auditioned, but no one wanted me. [plays the sound of a crowd going "Aww..." on her tape recorder] Over the years, I remembered how happy I was with all of you around me, and the folks at home watching me each week. Me, [goes back into her "cute" voice] Baby-Doll! [giggles] Now I'm Baby for good, and everyone will love me agains! Hugs, hugs!

[Her goons force the actors to share a hug with her, and she plays the "Aww..." again]

---

Robin: [watching episodes of Baby Doll's old TV show] Remember that time Poison Ivy nearly smothered us in those vines, with the really sharp thorns?

Batman: Yes.

Robin: This is worse.

---

Baby-Doll: [after her TV brother is rendered unconscious by her bodyguard] Sorry I had to play roughs, Tippy. I didn't mean to.

---

Robin: [Mariam kicks Robin around] Wow, lady! You're good!

Mariam: It's a living...

---

[Batman pursues Baby-Doll in a funhouse tunnel maze]

Baby-Doll: Silly Mr. Batman can't catch me!

Batman: Don't run away! I know you're scared, confused - I can help you!

Baby-Doll: Liar, liar, cape on fire!

---

Baby-Doll: Game's over, Mr. Batman! [laughs] I WIN! [Batman fires his grappling gun, knocking the doll-gun down a slide] No fair! [runs to retrieve it, and stumbles into a room full of fun-house mirrors. Picks up the gun, wandering through the various distorted reflections, until she comes to one that shows her as an adult] Look! That's me in there. The real me! There I am... [touches the reflection, and her face changes] ...But it's not really real, is it? Just... made up and pretend, like my family and my life and everything else! [turns to face Batman, who stands behind her] WHY COULDN'T YOU JUST LET ME MAKE-BELIEVE?! [fires at mirrors, and cries after breaking the mirror with her adult reflection. Batman approaches her] I didn't mean to...

[Alfred breaks a chair over a thug's head.]

Robin: And here all I thought you dusted was furniture.

Alfred: A Louis Quinze; what a pity.

---

Alfred Pennyworth: [after being drugged with a truth serum] You'll get nothing but gibberish out of me, madam. I come from haunts of cootenfern and knicker sudden Sally. Uh... dee-dum dee-dum dee-dum dee-dum, and bicker down the valley.

Red Claw: And people wonder why no one takes Britain seriously anymore.

Sheriff: Well, well. Jonah Hex, his own bad self. Been here five minutes and you ain't killed nobody nor set nothin' on fire. Slippin', ain't you?

Jonah Hex: I'm still a little bushed.

Sheriff: Fact is, you look a little past it, Hex. Not tired, just all used up.

Hex: Well, when I get pushed, I can still shoot a fly out from between its wings. Provided the light's right, of course... and it's a big plump fly.

[The sheriff glances down at his own portly figure. Two other bargoers retreat outside, sensing trouble.]

Sheriff: I ain't got nothin' on you, Hex... yet. Just remember, them wanted posters say "dead or alive". You might try "alive" this time.

Hex: First time for everything.

---

Duvall: It would appear we have ourselves a government spy. A rather disreputable-looking one at that. Well, Mr. Spy, I'd say your plan has failed, and the railroad is doomed.

Hex: I ain't no spy! I'm Jonah Hex, and I don't give a tinker's cuss about no railroad. I've come to get you, Arkady Duvall, on account of what you done to that girl back east.

Duvall: [chuckles] You mean to say, you've tracked me across twelve states because of that?

Hex: Well, there's also the matter of a 200 dollar reward. That part don't hurt my feelings none.

Duvall: You're either a liar or a fool.

Hex: I've been known to be foolish, but ain't nobody calls me a liar and goes to bed happy.

---

Hex: Now! Let's you and me dance.

Duvall: You cannot defeat me. I am a Heidelberg fencing champion.

Hex: My heart's all a-flutter.

---

Duvall: Five thousand in gold, take it. Leave me be.

Hex: It ain't about money, boy. It's about justice. And I aim to serve you some.

Duvall: Let me live, please!

Hex: I will. Only because it's too much trouble to haul your stinkin' carcass back east.

---

Batman: You left Duvall to his fate a century ago. Why come back for him now?

Ra's al Ghul: Did you really think, detective, that in my six hundred years of life, I would have sired only one offspring? Even before the Phoenix debacle, I had come to realize that Arkady was too unbalanced and cruel to wisely rule my empire.

Batman: But you couldn't forget about him.

Ra's al Ghul: What father can ever forget his son? Come now, detective, I've still a few good years left. We will cross swords another day. But for now, let me take my boy home.

[After learning about the theft of historical antiquities on TV]

Riddler: [in Bruce's memory] Those are things of the past, Batman. Ancient history that's gone now. I'm a new man! But you probably won't figure that out before it's too late! [laughs]

Bruce: He did it.

Dick: Who?

Bruce: The Riddler. Remember what he said: "Things of the past." "Ancient history that's gone now." Look!

Dick: Gee, I don't know. His riddles aren't usually that subtle. Besides, he's got a multimillion dollar deal with that toy company. Why would he throw it away over some stupid riddle crime?

Bruce: Because that's the way his warped mind works. He's obsessed.

---

Riddler: He's right, you know.

Manny: Who?

Riddler: Batman. He is going to catch me, sooner or later.

Manny: Gee, boss, you're scaring me. You're talking kinda crazy.

Riddler: DON'T YOU EVER CALL ME THAT! I fooled the police, the doctors, the Parole Board - all of them! There's only one person who's ever been able to challenge me: BATMAN! He's the only one worthy of the game!

Manny: But you said sooner or later he's gonna catch you. What are you gonna do?

Riddler: I'm never going back to Arkham! So I guess there's only one thing to do!

---

Riddler: Hello, Batman. This is it: the end of the game. I'm a little sad actually. You were a worthy opponent. But then, I told you I'd make a killing at the Toy Fair!

---

Riddler: [ranting in a cell in Arkham] It's IMPOSSIBLE, I tell you! Impossible! My trap was perfect! How did he do it?! I have to know! SOMEBODY TELL ME! IT'S NOT FAIR! THERE WAS NO WAY, I TELL YOU! NO WAY HE COULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT! SOMEBODY TELL ME! DO YOU HEAR ME?! SOMEBODY TELL ME HOW HE DID IT! I HAVE TO KNOW! I HAVE TO KNOOOOOOOOOW!!!

Penguin: And what might you be doing out there? Catching insects for dinner?

Batman: I'm looking for Two-Face.

Penguin: What, did you lose him? [chuckles]

Batman: Somebody kidnapped him from Gotham Central tonight. You and he had a disagreement sometime ago, didn't you?

Penguin: It's true. Harvey stole a rare avis right out from under my beak several months ago. A jewel-encrusted statuette of a two-headed roc. It was worth millions. But, my dear rodent, I'd never kidnap a fellow rogue out of his sickbed. It just isn't done.

Batman: Honour among thieves?

Penguin: Absolutely. If I were going to attack Harvey, I'd do it face to face... to face, heh, so to speak. Like THIS! [laughs and unleashes his birds on Batman]

---

Batman: You may as well come out. I know everything now.

[A man emerges, his identity obscured by shadows]

Batman: You hated Harvey Dent, and would do anything to destroy him.

[Lightning flashes, revealing the man to be Two-Face himself]

Two-Face: Why not? He was going to destroy me. Just like I'm going to destroy you! [attacks him]

---

Batman: Harvey, pull yourself up!

Harvey: I can't! I'll drop the coin!

Batman: Drop it! Save yourself!

Harvey: I... I don't know what to do. The coin won't tell me!

Batman: It can't tell you anything! I switched coins when you grabbed me!

Robin: [swings and kicks the thugs out of Batman's way] Good thing I decided to tag along after all.

Batman: It's a trick coin! It'll always land on edge! It's your decision now, Harvey! Life or death? The coin or me?

[Robin threw the batarang to hit the elevator button to send the thug in an elevator, thunderstruck and Harvey/Two-Face decided to drops the coin]'

Harvey: Batman, help me.

[Batman tries to give Harvey a hand, but Two-Face suddenly regains control]

Two-Face: Never! [punches Batman and falls]

Batman: HARVEY!!!

---

Harvey: [seen in half-shadow, making him appear to once again be Harvey Dent instead of Two-Face] Bruce? Good old Bruce. Always there. You never give up on me.

[Bruce Wayne smiles and pats Harvey's shoulder before he is escorted away]

Dick: He's right. You're always there for him.

Bruce: Yes, just like you're always there for me.

Dick: Hey, what are friends for?

Scarecrow: I am the Master of Fear! The Lord of Despair! Cower before me in witless terror!

Harley: Hi, Professor Crane!

Scarecrow: [Smiling fondly] Good evening, child. [To Batman and Robin, furiously] Worship me, you fools! Worship me! Scream hosannas of anguish to Scarecrow, the all-terrible God of Fear! [Guards take him away]

Robin: I think he's getting better.

---

Harley: I'm having a BAD DAY! I'm sick of people trying to shoot me, run me over and blow me up! I didn't even get to keep my new dress - I ACTUALLY PAID FOR IT!

---

[Batman and Robin take Harley back to Arkham]

Harley: [sadly] Home again, home again, diggity dig...

Dr. Joan Leland: Not for too long, though. Ms. Vreeland dropped the kidnapping charges. With a little more hard work, you should be ready to re-enter society for good.

Harley: Yay... [to Batman] There's one thing I've gotta know. Why'd you stay with me all day, risking your butt for someone who's never given you anything but trouble?

Batman: I know what it's like to try and rebuild a life. [takes her dress out of a bag] I had a bad day too, once.

Harley: [takes the dress, smiling] Nice guys like you shouldn't have bad days.

Scarecrow: Don't take me back there, please! Look at me, Batman! I'm shaking with fear! Me! The Scarecrow! I wasn't even going back to crime this time! I just had to get away from... HIM!

Lyle Bolton: I'll take it from here, Batman. Lyle Bolton, Chief of security. Congratulations, Professor Crane. You're the first inmate to escape Arkham under my charge. [He grabs Crane by the collar; Crane whimpers] You're also the last.

---

Bartholomew: Miss Quinn? Do you have any complaints against Mr. Bolton?

[Lyle Bolton sneers threateningly at Harley Quinn]:

Harley Quinn: I got nothing to say.

Bartholomew: But surely you must have something you wish to-

Harley Quinn: You got a hearing problem or something?! NO! NADA! IXNAY! ZERO! ZILCH! BUPKES! NOTHING! OKAY?!

---

Harley Quinn: He threatens us! Takes away our privileges, even when we're good!

Lyle Bolton: We've heard enough of this nonsense.

Jonathon Crane: He says scum like us must be kept in line! That's why he chains us down at night and electrifies our doors!

Scarface: He held me over a can filled with a termites! Ya hear me?! TERMITES!

Harley Quinn: He's an animal!

Ventriloquist: A monster!

Jonathon Crane: Keep him away!

Lyle Bolton: SHUT UP! ALL OF YOU!

[The guards retrain Lyle Bolton, he kicks the table, resists the guards and attack and them; he threatens to kill the inmates, and Bruce Wayne trips him with the chair]

Lyle Bolton: You're all scum! You should be beaten within an inch of your misbegotten lives!

Bartholomew: I've seen enough! [pounds the gravel] Lyle Bolton, you're dismissed!

Lyle Bolton: Before I came here, Arkham was a revolving door for every maniac in Gotham. I kept them in! ME! Now I realize I was wrong to punish those pathetic miscreants! THEY'RE ONLY SYMPTOMS! YOU'RE THE CAUSE! THE GUTLESS POLICE, MINDLESS BUREAUCRATS, AND CODDLING DOCTORS! YOU SHOULD ALL BE LOCKED UP IN A CAGE WITHOUT A KEY!

---

Lock Up: I could have rid Gotham of the fools in city hall and the police department! We could have made our own order!

Batman: I was born to fight your brand of order!

Lock Up: If that's your decision...!

Dispatcher: Disturbance reported at the top of the Crown restaurant. Suspect is a male costumed extremist armed with what appears to be a... ketchup gun.

Batman: It's going to be one of those nights.

---

Condiment King: So long, suckers! Parting is such "sweet-and-sour" sorrow. [Batman yanks away his loot bag] What's this? Ah! The big bad Bat-guy. I knew you'd "ketchup" to me sooner or later. How I've "relished" this meeting. You, the dynamic Dark Knight, versus me, the conceptual Condiment King! Come, Batman. Let's see if you can "cut the mustard".

Batman: Quiet! [punches the King in the stomach]

Condiment King: [slumps to ground, gasping] You hit me!

Batman: Now listen, Mustard Man, or whatever you call yourself. You're obviously new at this, so I'm willing to go easy on you, provided you give back the loot and never even think about doing this again. Deal?

---

Buddy's agent: I don't get it. Buddy's just thrown his entire career away. The network's cancelling his show and the restaurant's suing him for a million dollars. Why did he do it? It just doesn't make sense.

Batman: Men like Walker are obsessed with getting their own way. And they don't let little things like the law stop them.

---

Grant Walker: Do you realize that in your half-frozen state, you will age more slowly than an ordinary human? You're practically immortal, my friend!

Mr. Freeze: Yes, eternal life trapped in this wretched shell! What a miserable joke.

Grant Walker: Miserable to you, but a godsend to me. Look at me, Mr. Freeze, I'm an old man. I've created wonders in my lifetime, but there is still so much to do! I want to change as you have. To become, like you, a being of blessed, eternal cold.

Mr. Freeze: You're insane.

Grant Walker: Only you know how to duplicate the accident that made you what you are. What I long to become!

Mr. Freeze: [grabs him] You want to live like this? Abandoned and alone? A prisoner in a world you can see but never touch? [drops him and turns away] Old and infirm as you are, I'd trade a thousand of my frozen years for your worst day.

---

Grant Walker: Every time I open a park, I get gatecrashers.

Batman: We've seen your insane vision of the future, Walker.

Grant Walker: My world will have no crime, violence or pain.

Robin: You can add free will to that list too!

Grant Walker: A small price to pay for order.

Batman: Your order! For your select few!

Grant Walker: Excuse me, but I fail to see the problem with that!

---

Batman: You can't let Walker do this. Billions of people will perish!

Mr. Freeze: That's not my concern. All that matters is I once again have my wife, and the means to restore her.

Batman: She'll wake up in a dead, frozen world that you helped destroy. She'll hate you for that!

Mr. Freeze: Silence.

Batman: You think you're alone now? Wait until she learns the truth.

Mr. Freeze: I SAID SILENCE! [blasts at Batman and Robin, knocking them backward, then turns back to Nora with a saddened face] Forgive me... [frees Batman and Robin] Come, there is much to do.

---

[Dick recovers from hypothermia]

Dick: Man, if I spent any more time in that immersion tank, I'd be growing gills.

Bruce: I'm just glad I was able to get you back here in time.

Dick: Thanks. For a while I thought I'd end up like Walker, trapped in a ice cube forever. What about Mr. Freeze? Do you think he's gone for good?

Bruce: I'm not sure. But if Freeze's condition has made him truly immortal... we may not have seen the last of him.

Catwoman: Bats are just mice with wings, little girl.

---

Batgirl: So, what are you going to do? Leave us over one of these vats with acid burning through the rope?

Daggett: [Laughs] If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that you crime-fighting types are very resourceful. So, I'll just have my men shoot you and throw your bodies in the vats.

• PD: If I had to differentiate between [Batman and Superman], I'd say Superman is sort of about hope. You've got this guy who's an alien and not truly human, but he personifies all the best qualities of humanity. He's sort of an example of what it would be nice to be like. We would all like to be like Superman. We would all like to have power, compassion, the ability to settle problems in a good way, and maybe [be able to] wink to ourselves about how nobody else besides us knows we really have this secret power and we keep it ourselves. There's not a lot of angst with Superman. If there is, it's more like, "I wish I could tell Lois who I really was." Batman is how you'd like to be if you [could] break someone's neck: "I'm pissed off, and I want to go out and do something about it." Superman waits for trouble to happen, and then he goes off and stops the problem. Batman's looking for trouble; he doesn't really start it, but he's out there looking. And if he sees something going on, he just jumps into the middle of it.

JA: Batman's sort of a sociopath too.

PD: He's absolutely a sociopath. He's a sociopath with a lot of money, and he's got a sense of right and wrong. I don't think he's totally bereft of some sort of compassion or feeling for some of the villains. He doesn't go after somebody like Mr. Freeze without a small bit of compassion for the man, or maybe someone like the Mad Hatter, or even Harley, whom he thinks is certainly a pain in the ass, but I think he kind of wishes she'd get her act together and wise up at some point.
But with darker characters like the Scarecrow and the Joker, he's basically out to make sure they never get out again - whatever it takes to take them down. Somebody like the Joker is probably the least human of all of Batman's Rogues Gallery. That was why I never wanted to do a story that humanizes the Joker, like we did with the Mad Hatter or Mr. Freeze, because I just don't think the character lends itself to that. He's almost supernatural in a way; he's somebody who's just thoroughly insane, who does what he wants to do, and who has a grudge against Batman. He probably likes horrifying people with his clownish appearance as much as Batman terrorizes criminals with his nightmare-like appearance. The Joker is pretty inhuman. I'd say the same thing about the Scarecrow. He is someone who really gets turned on by scaring people. He's like the anti-Batman. He's a weak, very unimposing man until he puts on the Scarecrow costume, and then goes out and gasses people with fear gas, and he watches them squirm. There's probably a big turn-on seeing people helpless in front of him screaming in fear.

• PD: When Tim Burton's Batman came out, that was the way to go. Now Joel Schumacher's Batman is out there, and people are flocking to the movies, so they"re saying, "Can you lighten up the show a little bit? Can you have more fun with it?" So that's what we were charged with doing, and that's what we've done: to lighten up the color palette a little bit, so that every character's not just in dark colors. Robin, for instance, is now black, red, and gold, instead of green. Nightwing is black and a light, almost iridescent, blue. We've also given it a little more of a kid-friendly look.

• Paul Dini, "Batman: The Animated Series", Animation Arena.

• The thing with the Batman show—even though it's one of the most beautiful and well-written shows, and it really gets into Batman—is that it doesn't really move that fast. The fight scenes aren't that intense, and it doesn't really go actiony. There's a lot of walking and talking in it. It looks great, but it needs that kick of having action. And I think that's another thing that kids are picking up on: For the first time, you're actually seeing superheroes really fight bad guys. In a lot of the cartoons when I was growing up, like Super Friends, there was no fighting of bad guys. They would just get sent off to jail. It was wacky, it was silly, it wasn't intense, and there wasn't real fighting and stuff in it.
  • Craig McCracken "The Powerpuff Girls", Keith Phipps, A.V.Club, Jun 21, 2000.

• Kevin Conroy - Bruce Wayne/Batman
• Loren Lester - Dick Grayson/Robin
• Melissa Gilbert - Barbara Gordon/Batgirl
• Clive Revill/Efrem Zimbalist, Jr. - Alfred Pennyworth
• Bob Hastings - Commissioner James Gordon
• Robert Costanzo - Detective Harvey Bullock
• Ingrid Oliu/Liane Schirmer - Officer Renee Montoya
• Mark Hamill - The Joker
• Arleen Sorkin - Dr. Harleen Quinzel/Harley Quinn
• Paul Williams - Oswald Cobblepot/The Penguin
• Adrienne Barbeau - Selina Kyle/Catwoman
• John Glover - Edward Nygma/The Riddler
• Richard Moll - Harvey Dent/Two-Face
• George Dzundza - Arnold Wesker/The Ventriloquist/Scarface
• Henry Silva - Bane
• Aron Kincaid - Killer Croc
• Marc Singer - Dr. Kirk Langstrom/Man-Bat
• Ron Perlman - Matt Hagen/Clayface
• Diane Pershing - Dr. Pamela Isley/Poison Ivy
• Henry Polic II - Dr. Jonathan Crane/The Scarecrow
• Roddy McDowall - Dr. Jervis Tetch/The Mad Hatter
• Michael Ansara - Dr. Victor Freeze/Mr. Freeze
• David Warner - Ra's al Ghul