The Simpsons/Season 11

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The Simpsons (1989–present) is an American animated sitcom broadcast by the Fox Broadcasting Company created by Matt Groening. The series is a satirical depiction of American life, epitomized by the Simpson family.

Beyond Blunderdome

Mel Gibson: John Travolta flew me in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He deliberately waited 'til we were in the air to ask me!

Hannah: Oh, no! We killed Mel Gibson!

Christian: You all saw it. He came at me with a knife, right?

(Trio drives up to the dummy)

Milo: Hey, it's just a dummy.

Christian: I know but he sells tickets. (Hannah and Milo are confused) Let's go.

Mel Gibson: So Homer, will you come to Hollywood with me?

Homer: You had me at hello ("smiles")

Mel Gibson: I didn't say hello.

[Crowd surrounds Mel Gibson]

Mel Gibson: Hi, everybody.

Dr. Nick: Hi, Mr. Gibson!

[Marge, Bart, and Lisa are walking the streets of Hollywood]

Marge: Oh, look, they're shooting a movie! Robert Downey Jr.'s shooting it out with the police!

[Scene shows Robert Downey Jr. and police officers firing shots at each other]

Bart: (Looks around) I don't see any cameras...

[After the executive screening of Mel's violent remake of Mr. Smith Goes to Washington]

Executive: You've desecrated a classic film! This is worse than Godfather III!

Mel Gibson: Whoa, whoa, hey, whoa, let's not say things we can't take back.

Executive: Alright, alright, I'm sorry. But this film is never going to see the light of day!

Brother's Little Helper

Groundskeeper Willie: [talking to Skinner about Bart] Just say the word, and I'll drive this hoe into his back! [conversationally] I can make it look like suicide!

Mark McGwire: Young Bart here is right. We are spying on you, pretty much around the clock.

Bart: But why, Mr. McGwire?

Mark McGwire: Do you want to know the terrifying truth, or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?

Crowd: Dingers! Dingers!

[Burns observes Bart's tank rampage through binoculars]

Burns: Smithers, we're at war!

Smithers: I'll begin profiteering, sir.

Burns: And hoarding! Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry!

Marge: I understand the electrodes, but why does he have to be on a treadmill?

Pharm 1: Oh, that was his idea. He said he felt fat.

Marge: Oh.

Pharm 2: You said he was concerned about satellites?

Marge: And their beams.

Pharm 2: Any other strange behavior?

Homer: He quit blinking. He says that's when they get you.

Pharm 2: I had a feeling that might happen. This carboxyl group sometimes causes problems. [indicates molecular model]

Homer: And we trusted you! [strangles model]

Marge: I think we should take him off the drug.

Pharm 1: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You can't just go off Focusyn.

Pharm 2: But we can ease Bart onto one of its sister drugs, like chlorhexinol, and augment that with some phenolbutamine.

Pharm 1: Hmm, and maybe some cyclobenzanone?

Pharm 2: That's a great idea! [they kiss]

Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner?

Bart, Lisa, Milhouse, Nelson, and Homer in the car on the way to the Springfield Shopper

Milhouse: Hey, I know how we can have some fun. I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with "D."

Nelson: Dingus! [Nelson punches Milhouse on the head]

Homer: God bless you, Nelson Muntz.

Nelson: Eh, I'm no hero. I just like to hit people on the head.

Homer: Well, here we are, kids, the zoo.

Bart: Well, that's great dad, except you were supposed to take us to the newspaper.

Homer: D'oh! (echoes throughout the zoo causing the animals to run riot)

(all arrive at the Springfield Shopper and Homer is holding a balloon that says "Zoo")

Newspaper editor: ...And to protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.

Lisa: And what percent is that?

Newspaper editor: Zero.

(Lisa frowns)

Newspaper editor: Zero’s a percent.

Homer: I smell cake! Cake that says (sniff sniff) "Farewell" and (sniff sniff) "Best Wishes"!

Nelson: Your old man has an awesome nose.

Bart: Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding.

Homer: Look Marge, they're paying me to eat!

Bart: Yeah, now if we can get someone to pay you for scratching your butt, we'd be on Easy Street!

(Homer and Lisa are dining at a rotating restaurant)

Lisa: The food is exquisite.

Homer: And the view is... (the restaurant rotates to show a water fountain) beautiful... (the restaurant rotates to show a church) inspirational....(the restaurant rotates to Patty and Selma's apartment, where the two are in sports bras and sweatpants, exercising in front of the TV) nauseating...(groans and passes out)

Critic #1: (to Homer) Everything's a rave. "Nine thumbs up", what the hell is that?

Homer: The food at the Gilded Truffle really ... What's a good word?

Maggie: (sucks on pacifier)

Homer: Sucks! That's great! And the bread was really ... Come on, help me out here!

Santa's Little Helper: Ruff!

Homer: Rough? I don't know, you've been pitching that all night.

Santa's Little Helper: Chewy?

Homer: Chewy! That's inspired!

Luigi: Homer is out of control. He gave me a bad review. So my friend put a horse head on the bed. He ate the head and gave it a bad review! True Story.

McAllister: Argh, well I've had it with Homer. His bad reviews are sinking our businesses.

Akira: Then, why did you put yours in the window?

McAllister: Argh, it's covered up the 'D' from the health inspector.

Man: Well, I say we ban Homer from our restaurants.

Akira: No, that would be impolite. I say we kill him!

Izzy's Deli Chef: Hold on a minute. Are we changing to murderers.

McAllister: Does that answer your question?

Akira: We'll kill him at the taste of Springfield Festival. We'll make him eat until he can eat no more. Then, he can have just dessert.

French Chef: This will be Homer Simpson's last lagniappe.

Man: Come on, you're going to kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change!

French Chef: This éclair is over one million calories. Twenty-five pounds of butter per square inch. Covered with chocolate so dark that light cannot escape its surface. [The chefs reach for the picture] No, no, no! This is just a picture. But Homer Simpson will find the real thing both delicious and deadly.

Akira: Ah, yes, Death by Chocolate.

French Chef: ...and poison, I'll stick in some poison. (Restaurant Owners Laughing Evilly)

Marge: Only your father can take up a part-time job in a small town newspaper and end up the target of international assassins.

Treehouse of Horror X

Lisa: [about the aliens' episode introduction] So what do aliens have to do on Halloween?

Maggie: [in Kang's voice] Silence!

Marge: It's impossible! I killed you!

Ned Flanders: [ Chuckles ] You can't kill the undead, silly.

Lisa: So you were going to kill us!

Ned Flanders: [ Chuckles ] Yeah.

Prof. Frink: Yes, over here, n'hey, n'hey. In episode BF12, you were battling barbarians while riding a winged Appaloosa, yet in the very next scene, my dear, you're clearly atop a winged Arabian. Please do explain it.

Lucy Lawless: Ah, yeah, well, whenever you notice something like that, a wizard did it.

Frink: I see, all right, yes, but in episode AG4 —

Lawless: Wizard.

Frink: [under breath] Aw, for glaven out loud.

The Collector: Stop right there! I have here the only working phaser ever built; it was fired only once...to keep William Shatner from making another album!

[The world descends into chaos due to Homer's negligence]

Homer: Oh, well. Those ivory tower eggheads have screwed us again.

[The Simpsons walk through Springfield as chaos ensues]

Lisa: Well, look at the wonders of the computer age now.

Homer: Wonders, Lisa? Or blunders?

Lisa: I think that was implied by what I said.

Homer: Implied, Lisa? Or implode?

Lisa: Mom, make him stop.

Homer: [Trying to pass himself off as smart to let himself onto the rocket to Mars] Surely, you must know me! I'm, uh...the piano genius from the movie Shine!

Rocket Security Guard: [Unconvinced] Uh-huh. And your name is...

Homer: Uh...Shiney McShine?

[Homer is looking around the spaceship]

Homer: Ooh! There's Ross Perot...Dr. Laura...Spike Lee...

Bart: Wait, they're not that great.

Homer: Okay, there's Dan Quayle and Courtney Love...Tonya Harding...Al Sharpton?

[Tom Arnold walks in]

Homer: AAH! Tom Arnold?! What the hell's going on?!

Bart: Only that ship's going to Mars. This one's headed straight for the sun!

Tom Arnold: Yeah, ain't that a kick in the teeth? I mean, my shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced them to watch. And I could've, because I'm a big guy and I'm good with knots.

Homer: The sun?! That's the hottest place on Earth!

E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt)

Homer: Ooh, you don't want to get Zorro mad. [accidentally pours hot butter on Marge's thigh]

Marge: You're pouring hot butter on my leg!

(after it's been decided that the family will live on Grampa's old farm)

Bart: I'll dig an outhouse!

Lisa: I'll weed the floor!

Marge: I'll repress the rage I'm feeling! (plasters a fake smile on her face)

(Homer is offering tomacco to Ralph Wiggum and his father, Police Chief Clancy Wiggum)

Homer: Try some, won't you?

Chief Wiggum: Go ahead, Ralphie; the stranger is offering you a treat!

Ralph Wiggum: (Takes a bit and immediately spits it out) Oh, Daddy, this tastes like Grandma!

Chief Wiggum: (does the same) Holy Moses! It DOES tastes like Grandma!

Ralph Wiggum: I want more! (Starts devouring more tomacco)

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, me too; so we take a bushel or a peck, or...? Oh, just give 'em to me. (Joins his son)

Homer: (chuckles)

Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder

(Homer tries to bond with Maggie by dressing up as a Teletubby)

Homer: (in baby talk) Look, Maggie, I'm Homie-Womie, the Teletubby. (sternly) And I'm all man in case you heard otherwise!

Homer: [playing peek-a-boo] Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? [uncovers his eyes] Hey, where is she?

Homer: I think I know what they're doing here Lisa. They did it to Jesus, and now they're doing it to me.

Marge: Are you comparing yourself to our Lord?!

Homer: Well, in bowling ability.

([Homer is concentrating hard on bowling a perfect 300 game])

Lenny: Miss! Miss! Sorry, I was calling the waitress. Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke!

Homer: Lenny!

Lenny: What?! I paid $7.10 for this split!

Carl: Will you at least call it a banana split, you dumbwad!

Lenny: Hey! Spare me your guttermouth--

(Is cut off by Homer throwing a bowling ball at his stomach.)

Eight Misbehavin'

(As Apu and Manjula await the results of the pregnancy test)

Apu: Here goes nothing.

Apu and Manjula: (as symbols appear on the tester) Baby... baby... lemon.

Manjula: All that sex for nothing.

Apu: Well, that is a pretty grim assessment.

(Apu is asleep with the babies)

Manjula: Apu, it's 4 am. You're late for work.

Apu: Oh. I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.

Manjula: Oh no you don't! Not til they're out of college.

Apu: Listen, I'll die when I want to!

Ned Flanders: [After Apu complains about his babies] Well, they can be a handful...of joy!

Apu: Shut up!

Flanders: They can fill your life with-

Apu: Shut up!

Flanders: Can't put a price on a miracle!

Apu: I can't believe you won't shut up!

Larry Kidkill: Listen, how would you like to come with me?

Apu: Okay.

Manjula: Wait, you don't even know who he is!

Apu: Who cares? There's only one of him!

Take My Wife, Sleaze

Homer: The first meeting of Hell's Satan's comes to order.

Flanders: I move that we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all we don't want to go to hell.

Lenny: How about the Devil's Pals.

Flanders: No, see-

Moe: Or the Christ Punchers!

Flanders: The Christ Pu... I don't think you understand my objections.

Meathook: (to Homer) There's only one reasonable way to settle this, you and me in the circle of death.

Marge: Ohh, I just swept the circle of death.

Grift of the Magi

Bart and Milhouse: Sisters are doing it for themselves!

Homer: Hey! Why is this door locked?

Bart: Oh no, it's Dad! [Bart falls out of the bed, landing on a bowling ball on the floor]

Homer: [screams] What's going on?! [shaking his fist] And I want the non-gay explanation!

Milhouse: Uh, we're drunk. Really drunk.

Homer: Oh, thank God!

Gary Coleman: Well, well, if it isn't the biggest rip-off since "Webster."

Fat Tony: I don't get mad, I get stabby.

Principal Skinner: This is a proud day. Now when people ask if we're in compliance the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975, I can say, we are closer than ever before!

Ralph: Hello, I'm Dr.Stupid! I'm going to take out your liver bones.[decapitates the Mr.Burns dummy] Oops, you're dead!

Mr.Burns: I never liked that Dr.Stupid.

Ralph: Fun toys are fun!

Teacher: Well said, Ralph, but we're trying to come up with a name for a toy?

Janey Powell: Mrs. Fun?

Teacher: Not bad!

Ralph: Fun?

Teacher: Ralph, there are no right or wrong answers, but if you don't pipe down, I'm giving you a F!

Ralph: The before teacher yelled at me too.

Teacher: No-one's yelling, Ralph, we're just brainstorming. Lisa, any ideas?

Lisa: Oh, a name with fun? Fungus, Funzo, Atilla the Fun...

Teacher: Lisa, are you doing math?!

Lisa: Just a few Venn diagrams.

Ralph: There's more under her chair!

Krusty: So have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Krazy Kwanzaa, a Tip-Top Tet, and a solemn, dignified Ramadan. And now, a word from my god, our sponsor...

Lindsay Naegle: I'm sorry, Gary. There's no longer a place for you here.

Gary Coleman: What you talkin' 'bout, Miss Naegle?

Lindsay Naegle: That is so adorable! You're rehired!

Gary Coleman: Sucker! I knew exactly what she was talkin' 'bout.

Little Big Mom

Homer: Okay, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said.

Ski Instructor: [In Homer's thoughts] If you ever get into trouble, all you need to do is--

Flanders: (Cutting in) Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all!

("Nothin' at all!" echoes several times.)

Homer: Aah! Stupid sexy Flanders..!

Homer: I got the groceries!

Lisa: Good! Maple soda? A cell phone full of candy?! Astronaut bread?

Homer: It's the bread of astronauts.

Bart: I didn't know Aerosmith made a cereal...

[Lisa sends Bart off to school and Homer off to work.]

Lisa: Here are your lunches. And no trading them for fireworks!

Homer: Aww, but Lenny just got some bottle rockets!

Lisa: You stay away from Lenny!

[the Simpsons gaze the spectacular sunset with Homer calling in the dermabrasion hut]

Homer: Aloha AIIE!!!

Aloha OHHE!!!

Until we meet aAIGH!!!

Faith Off

Homer: (cooking meat) Okay, who needs another lamb rack? (Marge and Bart nod no) Lisa? Ham hock, Tri-tip?

Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?

Homer: Well I think the veal died of loneliness.

Bart: Hey Brother Faith, how did you get the bucket off my dad's head?

Brother Faith: Well I didn't son, you did. God has given you the power.

Bart: Really? Hmmm.. I would think he would want to limit my power.

Marge: Wow! He should have his foot insured by Lloyd's of London.

Homer: (Slurred speech) You just know what everyone should do, don't you, Marge?

The Mansion Family

[Mr. Burns is filling in a medical form.]

Mr. Burns: Let's see, social security number: naught, naught, naught ... naught, naught ... naught, naught, naught, two. Damn Roosevelt! Cause of parents' death: got in my way.

[Bart is riding his bike through the hallways of Mr. Burns' mansion; he hits and upturns a table before cycling off.]

Bart: I'm Al Unser Jr.!

[Lisa rides through the hallway on a horse.]

Lisa: (British accent) I'm Princess Margaret!

[A heavily drunken Homer rides through the hallway and crashes through the upturned table on a rideable lawnmower.]

Homer: (slurred) I'm DRUNK!

[The family is sitting at the gigantic dining room table]

Lisa: Mom! Bart's making faces at me!! [looks through opera glasses] ...I think.

Homer: LOOK HOW LOUD I HAVE TO YELL!!

Marge: This all seems a little elaborate for sloppy joes. [picks up an extra long fork] Hmm I know what the other 11 forks are for, but what do you do with with this one?

Homer: [in a posh accent] Why Marge, I believe you're supposed to scratch your ass with it.

Marge: Homer watch your lang- [scratches herself] Ooh! That's a life saver!

Homer: Listen, I worked long and hard for this place, and no one's gonna take it away from me! Not you, not its rightful owner, not anyone! (downs entire goblet of brandy) And another thing: if I eve- (passes out)

Marge: All I'm saying is, don't get too comfortable. Mr. Burns will be back tomorrow.

Homer: Marge, you're right. We do have to have a party!

Marge: Party?! No! No parties!

Homer: What about "par-tays"?

Marge: No "part-tays", no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies, no mixers, no raves, no box socials!

Homer: Damn! [looks at a box social invitation, featuring an image of him on an old-fashioned bicycle] And I looked so good on that bike...

Carl: Homer, have we hit international waters yet? Because, uh, things are getting real ugly...

[We see Moe using a bullwhip to keep the others away from kegs of beer]

Moe: I can't sell you beer till we cross the line!!!

Barney: Legally you could give us free beer. [Moe thinks for a moment, then whips him] Ow!

Lenny: Well, could you at least give us rubbing alcohol for our wounds? [Moe tosses him a bottle; Lenny snickers] Sucker! [starts to drink from it, only to have Moe whip it out of his hands] Ow!

Doctor: Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.

Mr. Burns: You mean I have pneumonia?

Doctor: Yes.

Mr. Burns: Juvenile diabetes?

Doctor: Yes.

Mr. Burns: Hysterical pregnancy?!

Doctor: Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have thousands of diseases that have just been discovered, in you.

Mr. Burns: You're sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?

Homer: Look at those poor saps back on land with their "laws" and "ethics". They'll never know the simple joys of a monkey knife fight.

[Sure enough, two monkeys are fighting with knives while a cheering crowd watches]

Moe: Thrust! Parry! Stab, stab, stab! [one of the monkeys screams] Ha-ha! He ain't pretty no more!

[The pirates prepare to dump all of the party-goers overboard]

Moe: Aw, I'm gonna die, and I've never even tasted cantaloupe!

Krusty: Eh, you didn't miss much. Honeydew is the money melon.

[The net full of party-goers is thrown overboard, but it partially floats]

Lenny: Hey, whaddya know, it floats!

Homer: That was my plan all along! Now relax, and the currents will take us home.

Bart: What about the people on the bottom?

Homer: They're the greatest heroes of all... Hey, something's clawing at my leg!... Okay, it stopped.

Lisa: Ah, it's good to be home.

Homer: I don't know. After living like a billionaire, this place is kind of a dump.

Bart: It's not so bad. Here, we can spit on the floor. [spits it out]

Marge: Bart, stop that. Now, we may not have antique furniture, or priceless artwork, but we have everything we need, right here.

Homer: That's right. Just because we're not rich doesn't mean that we don't have... [crying] Oh, I can't even finish! I wanna be rich! [drops to the floor, as the scene fades to black. The names of the executive producers appear] Like these guys! [The credits for the actors start to roll] And look at all these rich people here! Not as rich they should be, of course, but still rich! [sobbing] Big money! Look at all the names, that all have money, and have lots of money! [Richard K. Chung's name is on screen] Oh, he's poor. [sobbing again] But look at all the other people who aren't...! Oh, look at all the people who could buy and sell me! I should send a list of these names to the IRS! I'm taking 'em all down! [Continues crying as the credits keep rolling] Oh, look at all the rich people! Oh! Oh, look at that rich...! [The Gracie Films logo goes "Shh!"] Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

Saddlesore Galactica

Marge: Hmmm. Should the Simpsons get a horse?

Comic Book Guy: Excuse me, I believe this family already had a horse, and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart, with hilarious consequences.

Homer: Anybody care what this guy thinks?

Crowd: No!

Nelson: Man, that horse don't take no guff from nobody.

Jimbo/Kearney: Guff?!

Nelson: I mean shi-- [both punch Nelson]

Homer: Did that really happen, or was it just a wonderful dream?

Jockey: [suddenly appears] No dream! Lose the race, fat boy! [Homer sobs]

Homer: Son, don't ask why, but you have to lose the big race.

Bart: You want me to lose the Springfield Derby? But you always taught me that winning was everything.

Homer: Oh, it is, it is. But we've been pushing that poor horse too hard.

Bart: Maybe, but if Duncan wins the derby, he can spend the rest of his days as a stud.

Homer: Well, it is a good life. Believe me. [giggles] All right, we'll give it a shot. I'll deal with those murderous trolls.

Bart: Huh?

Homer: I mean, I'll deal with those murderous trolls.

Alone Again, Natura-Diddily

Homer: Ooh, a bobby pin. [ducks down, letting Maude get hit by T-shirts and fall to her death]

Ned Flanders: (gasps) Maude?

Dr. Hibbert: Oh, my lord! She's dead!

Ned Flanders: (gasps)

Marge: It's hard to believe that we'll never see Maude again.

Ned: I can't believe my last words to Maude were, "No foot-longs."

Homer: Now, now, now, don't beat yourself up. I'm the one who drove her out of her seat. I'm the one who provoked the lethal barrage of T-shirts. I'm the one who parked in the ambulance zone, preventing any possible resuscitation. [notices Ned glaring at him] Yeah, I, uh... but there's no point in playing the blame game.

Homer: I'm sure your wife is dating a lot of people in heaven!

Ned: Are you sure?

Homer: Positive! There's a lot of hot people up there. There's John Wayne, Tupac Shakur, Sherlock Holmes--

Ned: Ah, now Sherlock Holmes is a character.

Homer: Oh, he sure was! [does a sexy growl]

Ned: Is this a dating video?

[While Homer is filming Lenny, Carl, and Moe in front of Moe's Tavern for Ned's bachelor tape]

Homer: So if you're tired of dating the same old losers!

Carl: ...What are you doing, Homer?

Kirk: [while during Maude's funeral] Yeah, and lots of storybooks have witches.

Missionary: Impossible

TV: You're watching PBS.

Bart: You're watching PBS?!

Homer: Hey, I'm as surprised as you. But I've stumbled across a delicious new comedy about soccer hooligans. If they're not having a go with a bird, they're having a row with a wanker.

Bart: Cheeky!

Mr. Rogers: It's a beautiful day to kick your ass!

Oscar The Grouch: Give us the money!

Elmo: Elmo knows where you live!

[Homer has just arrived on the island and he doesn't know what to do]'

Homer: You're leaving! Wait! What do I do here!

Amy: First of all, forget everything you learned in Missionary school.

Homer: Done.

Craig: We taught them some English and we ridiculed away most of their beliefs. You can take it from there.

Qtoktok: So, are you enjoying your ox testicle?

Homer: Yeah.

Qtoktok: Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a coconut? They're delicious.

Homer: Nah, I'm good.

[Shortly after there is a small earthquake]

Homer: Ahh! What was that?!

Qtoktok: We call that-- (starts making gagging and choking noises) sorry, fish bone in my throat. We call that, "earthquake".

Homer: Oh great, now my testicle's got ants on it!

Pygmoelian

Moe: (after looking at his face in the year's calendar) Am I really that ugly?

Carl: Moe, it's all relative. Just like, is Lenny that dumb? (Lenny gasps) Is Barney that drunk? (Barney gasps) Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat? (Homer gasps)

Moe: Oh, God, this is worse than I thought! (He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer break down sobbing.)

Carl: (to the audience) See, this is why I don't talk much.

Moe: I've been called "Ugly," "Pug Ugly," "Fugly," "Pug Fugly." But never "Ugly-Ugly!"

Homer: Well, it's time to get some closure. Extreme closure.

Gay Republican #1: What we need is a symbol that says, "We're gay and Republican!

(Maggie's pink elephant-shaped balloon floats into the room.)

Gay Republican #2: A little on-the-nose, don't you think?

Lisa: [reading from a sticker] A gay president for 2084?

Gay Republican: We're realistic.

Moe: Okay, last stop, Channel 6.

Homer: You're gonna get even with that lottery guy that never picks our numbers?

Moe: Nah, nah, nah, this is personal. (Flashback.) It all goes back to my acting days. I was auditioning for the role of Dr. Tad Winslow in the hit soap, "It Never Ends". (Reads a script.) 'Angela, I'm afraid I...'

Producer: Thank you, next! What were you thinking?

Casting Director: Well, you said you wanted gritty, in other words, ugly.

Producer: I wanted Mary Ann on Gilligan's Island-ugly, not Cornelius on the Planet of the Apes-ugly. TV-ugly not ugly-ugly.

Moe: Yeah, hey, I've got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching and I... the feeling is indescribable.

Homer: I know what you mean. Our dog had that.

(during the Toss The Drunk contest at Duff Days)

Titania: Ew! (to Duffman) You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk!

Duffman: Duffman says a lot of things. Oh, yeah!

Duffman: [with a sticker covering his face] Duffman can't breathe. Oh no!

Producer: You idiot -- Dr. Winslow was only going to die in a dream.

Moe: Whaa?

Producer: [holds up script to a pink page] Pink pages always mean a dream.

Moe: I thought dreams was on goldenrod.

Producer: No, goldenrod is for coma fantasies.

Bart to the Future

Homer Simpson: Oh, what a bleak and horrible future we live in!

Bart Simpson: Don't you mean "present?"

Homer Simpson: Right, right. Present.

[The Simpsons have a family meal at the White House, now that Lisa is President.]

Marge Simpson: So, how was everyone's day?

Lisa Simpson: Appointed a Supreme Court justice.

Bart Simpson: Bewitched marathon.

Homer Simpson: Searched for Lincoln's gold.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, that's just a myth. Lincoln didn't bury any gold in the White House.

Homer Simpson: Then what is his ghost protecting?

Lisa: As you know, we've inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump. How bad is it, Milhouse?

Milhouse [shows a chart]: We're broke.

Lisa: The country is broke? How can that be?

Milhouse: Well, remember when the last administration decided to invest in our nation's children? Big mistake.

President Lisa's Aide: The balanced breakfast program just created a generation of ultra-strong super-criminals.

Milhouse: And midnight basketball taught them to function without sleep.

Days of Wine and D'oh'ses

(as Homer and Bart are "celebrating" Trash Night)

Homer: I can't believe I found this muscle shirt.

Bart: Dad, that's a sports bra.

Homer: All I know is that I'm finally getting the support I need.

Marge: [As she walks into the kitchen] I don't remember the air in the kitchen being so wavey. [She sniffs the air.] Good lord, that's gas! [Marge finds a taped hosepipe leading into the garden]

Homer: Behold! I am king Tocki Ticki![The Hawaiian statue breathed fire as Bart and Lisa scream] Hey Flanders! Can your god do that?

Ned: Actually Homer, you and I worship the same god, so-

Homer: Irregardless! I am your god now! [Flanders walks away as Homer burns his hedge] Ha, ha, ha!

Marge: Homie, you can't just reroute the gas line. Do you know how dangerous that is?

Homer: [shaking the statue] Do not anger Tocki Ticki![dropping the statue which catches on fire] I am all power- Aargh! [Worried] I'll be at Moe's! [climbs over the fence]

Kent: Unfortunately, fire trucks are unavailable to fight the blaze as they're all being used to film the new Burt Reynolds movie, "Fireball and Mudflap." I caught up with Burt on the set.

Kent: So, Burt, tell us a little about "Fireball and Mudflap."

Reynolds: I play Jerry "Fireball" Mudflap, a feisty Supreme Court justice searching for his birth mother while competing in a cross-country fire truck race. It's... garbage.

Homer: Barney!

[Homer picks up the payphone]

Homer: The call is from heroism. Will you accept the charges?

Bart: You did it, Dad!

Homer: [drunk] You can't prove I did it.

Lisa: No, you saved our lives.

Homer: I could do a lot of things if I had some money.

Kill the Alligator and Run

Doctor: What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida.

Homer: Florida? But that's America's wang!

Doctor: They prefer, "The Sunshine State."

[The Simpsons are driving to Florida]

Lisa: Mom! Bart's sitting next to me!

Bart: Mom! Lisa's growing!

Marge: Quiet, you two! You know your father just had a breakdown.

Homer: [Holding a pennant that says "Mental"] My pockets hurt!

(Bart gets paid three dollars for delivering Homer's mail)

Bart: Hey, this isn't real. This is printed by the Montana Militia.

Homer: (threateningly) It'll be real soon enough!

Marge: [to Homer for his actions] This family has hit a new low. We're on the run from the law, totally lost... no car, no money, no clean clothes... and it's all your fault!

Homer: I Love being Married.

Homer: Arizona smells funny.

(The Simpsons are put on trial for evading the police and murdering Captain Jack the alligator)

Homer: Your Honor, I'd like to defend myself. (clears throat and turns to the left): Drunken hicks of the jury...

(cut to a jury box filled with offended rednecks gasping. One drinks from a bottle of beer)

Last Tap Dance in Springfield

(while at Eye Caramba)

Homer: "I…8…P P?" (sees Bart writing then turns red in anger and strangles him) Why you little…!

Eye Doctor: Better, or worse?

Homer: Worse!

Eye Doctor: Better, or worse?

Homer: [still in different voice] Much better!

(Marge and Lisa leave the theater after the end of Tango De La Muerte)

Lisa: Oh, Mom, I want to be a dancer!

Marge: That's wonderful, dear. We should ask your father, though. [looks around] Where is he, anyway?

[cut to Homer, whose eyes have crusted over from not taking his eye drops after laser surgery, in the car with the three bullies, Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney. Kearney is driving while Dolph and Jimbo are in the back seat]

Kearney: [doing a strained, poor impersonation of Marge] Now, Homie, when we get to the liquor store, buy me some Jack Daniel's and a carton of smokes.

Homer: Yes, dear.

[Dolph and Jimbo snicker from the back seat and exchange a high-five]

Ralph: Teacher, my shoes are making noise!

Vicki: You must be Ralph.

Ralph: My daddy shoots people!

Homer: For an evening or a week, there's no place like the mall. Food, fun and fashion, the mall has it all.

Police Chief Wiggum: [Upon having set up a human sized mouse trap, wherein an anvil is attached with a rope to it.] We’ll catch that mall rat.

Lou: Sure hope this Acme kit works.

Police Chief Wiggum: Gosh, that cheese looks good. Think I could grab it before that anvil hits?.

Lou: I don't know, Chief. It's a million to one.

Police Chief Wiggum: I like those odds! [ Grunts ] - [ Snickering ] - [ Wiggum Groaning] My mistake was grabbing the cheese.

Vicki Valentine: I'm sorry but treating people like equals when they most clearly aren't is called what kids?

Children: Communism.

Vicki Valentine: Self-tapping shoes? I'm ever so pissed!

Marge: [despite that Lisa is not in stage anymore] Where is Lisa?

Homer: [anxiously] This plot is hard enough to follow as it is.

It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge

Squeaky-Voiced Teen: And God said, "Gather two of every flavor, anoint them with sixty-two sauces, whipped cream, and nuts, and ye shall call it, 'The Ark'!

Bart: [as he eats dinner] This tastes better than God's sweat!

Ice Cream Store Clerk: [after Marge throws sprinkles at his eyes] I can only see a horrible rainbow!

Behind the Laughter

Lisa: To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.

[Camera cuts to Homer]

Homer: That's ridiculous! How could I even get all five necessary drops into her cereal? [pause] What?

Homer Simpson: Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.

Marge: [After scenes are shown from the first pilot] Okay, the material was a little corny, but Homer and I showed great chemistry on set.

[Camera cuts to Homer]

Homer: Every day, I thought about firing Marge. You know, to shake things up.

[Rehearsal footage from shooting a Simpsons episode]

Homer: Son, let's go out for frosty chocolate milkshakes!

Bart: Cowabunga, dude!

Director: And cut!

Bart: Dad, I've never said "cowabunga" in my life! Your script sucks!

Homer: [turns his face red in anger] Why you little...! [starts strangling Bart]

Director: Hey, that's funny!

[Homer and Bart pause for a moment, then continue with some fake strangling, camera cuts to Homer being interviewed for the program]

Homer: And that horrible act of child abuse became one of our most beloved running gags.

Lenny: Oh, yeah, Bart was throwing money all over the place. He even paid me and Carl $1,000 to kiss each other!

Carl: Hey, did we ever get that money?

Homer: I wanna set the record straight. I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Announcer: The dream was over. Coming up: Was the dream really over? Yes, it was. Or was it?

Announcer: The Simpsons started on a wing and a prayer, but now, the wing was on fire, and the prayer had been answered by Satan.