Johnny the Homicidal Maniac

Johnny the Homicidal Maniac is a series of comic books by Jhonen Vasquez. The main character, Johnny (a.k.a. Nny) cages random people in his basement and mutilates them, all to get blood for a wall in his house supposedly holding back a monster. Between (as well as during) the many graphic murders, the protagonist offers many comments of a philosophical and critical bent man.

(Note: Every exclamation mark was actually used in the comic. Vasquez is fond of multiple exclamation marks.)

• "WHERE THE FUCK IS THE BACTINE!!"
  • volume 1, his first line in the comic

• "Nothing quite brings out the zest for life in a person like the thought of their impending death. I see by the looks of you that you understand."
  • said to Squee when they first meet.

• Hmm? What's that Shmee? Mm, Hmm. Yeeess. Hmm? Yeah. Really? Uh, Huh. Okaay. What? Hmm. Well FUCK YOU MR. BEAR!!! You speak LIES!!! LIIIIES!!! Stuffed with pure venom, you vile lint infested bastard!! How many more, like you, are there?!! How many more?!!! You can't even imagine the things I've endured!! And always at the hands of shit like you!!! You don't know the truth!!!
  • to Squee's teddy bear, Shmee.

• "Hey, sorry about the window, but I noticed it was locked. I don't suggest you ever lock it again."
  • to Squee

• "Two nights ago, I was taking a walk at night, and this little chihuahua started following me!!! GODDAMMIT!! IT KNEW!! I ran, and finally lost it, and made it home!!! BUT IT KNEW!! IT KNEWWWW!! Did the DOG SEND YOU?!"
  • to a man surveying people about the recent murders

• "I was just drawing a comic; Happy Noodle Boy. It's really popular with the homeless insane."
  • to surveyor

• "Whether in a suit, or in a loincloth, people are ignorant little thorns cutting into one another."
  • in response to one of the surveyor's questions

• "Any pile of stunted growth unaware that entertainment is just that and nothing more, deserves to doom themselves to some dank cell, somewhere, for having been so stupid!! Movies, books, T.V., music - They're all just entertainment, not guidebooks for damning yourself!"
  • in response to one of the surveyor's questions

• "I never drank her blood! Never! But I needed it! You see!! It changes color when it dries! It NEVER stays! I HAVE to keep the wall wet!"
  • in response to one of the surveyor's questions

• "Wacky!? What the hell kind of word is that? WACKY!? I HATE that word!! Fewer words are as excruciatingly stupid!!! And used in description of me!! FOOK!"
  • at a local Taco Hell

• "Without fail!! EVERY time I leave my house, it's as if I've given up my every right to be left alone, or treated with respect!!! You flies with your unyielding little minds!!! You think my difference from you is an excuse to 'comment' on me, as if I were on DISPLAY for you!!!"
  • at a local Taco Hell

• "Dear Die-ary, today I stuffed some dolls full of dead rats I put in the blender. I'm wondering if, maybe, there really is something wrong with me."
  • writing in diary at the end of first comic

• "Think of that sensation as reassurance that you are not dead yet."
  • to a victim (Edgar Vargas) before his death

• "Trust me, I know what self-loathing is, but to kill myself? That would put a damper on my search for answers. Not at all productive."

• "I can't let you go. We've begun something lovely, and, as with all things that start, it, inevitably, ends! The beginning is always so fine!! But decay soon follows. A degeneration into the tired old situation. The rot sets in. This way, there is only the beauty of the start!"
  • trying to convince Devi to let him murder her

• "The world would be so much nicer if people only used guns on themselves."

• "Todd? I like Squee better."
  • To Squee, after smacking a molester over the head with a broken pipe

• "Well, I just don't want you to think that this piece of shit is anything other than a pathetic, human defect. Nothing more. Not a monster, not a bogeyman. Nothing but another reason to feel better about yourself. Understand that it's just a person - not worth devoting any nightmares to."
  • to Squee, after saving him from a pedophile

• "You flaw. At least I'm under the delusion of doing something productive."
  • to the pedophile, before killing him

• "Um, well, you better get going, it's Tuesday, and you know what that means - U.F.O.'s!! (runs)"

• "I've relinquished control of my insanity."

• Johnny "Is this milk still good?!!"
• Victim "Huh?! *sip* Uh...yeah."
• Johnny "THIS LETTUCE! HOW CRISP IS IT? HOW CRISP GODDAMMIT?!
• Victim "It's Fine!"
• Johnny "THESE FUDGE-POPS! FREEZER BURN?! FREEZER BURN?!"
• Victim "umm.."
• Johnny "EAT THE FUCKIN' WEENIE!!!"
• Victim "mmph... It tastes okay."
• Johnny "Whew! Thanks. I haven't cleaned my fridge out in awhile, and well... You know.

• "We think we are so great in our protests...but we just become the bitter offspring of what we oppose. We become prisoners in our own cages. We begin to speak in badly constructed melodramatic prose! OH, RAGING HORROR!! Make this stop!!"

• "I wish... I wish someone would just switch me off and... fix me."

• "Yes, yes, yes. I'm the one that's been killing all those people. But I'm also the creative force behind Happy Noodle Boy, so forgive me and shut up."

• "Killing someone who's bleeding to death. Fff...fuck, you people...you...how stupid you are. Resorting to the same old, monkey brutality, afraid to look up from your bloody dicks. Afraid of transcendence. Hey...your head looks like a potato. And how stupid was I? I, actually paid attention to you! Devoted precious thought to it. God...I used to love the noises I heard in my head. Hhh...I never should've left my room...my room, out there, I almost remember it. It's gone now...along with everything else...vanishing. Heh...potato."
  • to Krik, while bleeding to death

• "This isn't pleasant... I'd rather not be dead... Don't want to die... Don't... Geez... This is worse than goth poetry... Agg..."

• "No more stars... no... clouds... nothing... hsssss... It's such an easy thing to say you hate something... so easy to hate... what a piece of shit I am... I ca...can't believe I went the easy way... I thought I knew... I wish I knew something... anything. Ehhh... Actually... your head looks more like a reject jellybean."
  • to Krik, while dying

• "Dear Diary, I seem to be dead."

• "I've been talking to dead rabbits and feeding bloody walls. I've done horrifying things with salad tongs. It's really eaten into my social life."
  • to God

• "Do you have ANY idea what's going on down there?!! Hideous things! People are suffering, and people like...well...ME, heh, are running around!! Suicide, genocide!! People are killing MOOSE!! You buy a video game system, and a better one comes out in a month!!! Powdered eggs?!!! Self esteem is so low, girls are buyin wonder bras!!! Do you see!? DO YOU?"
  • to God

• "You know, that fat little lawn gnome of a God wouldn't answer some easy questions!!! I'm criminally insane - I don't know what HIS reason is for being SO FUCKED UP!!"

• "I wonder if you can kill the Devil."

• "It's okay! I'm alright! I think my spine has exploded, but I'm fine."

• "Shit! This is awful. At least alive there were nice people mixed in with the social maggots."
  • on Hell

• "Damn! Hell makes a yummy bagel."

• "You people!! Shit!! You're all idiots!! I admit to being weak and catering to some minor transgression or two, but this place is sick. But I won't let myself give the issue respect by addressing it any furth... YOU STINK!!!! Focusing on the mundane! Money!! Fashion!! Cream cheese!! You're in Hell and you're too stupid to know it!"
  • to the denizens of Hell

• "A cheerleader! PURE EVIL!!"
  • on Señor Satan's second form

• "I wonder if I'm still crazy. Go find a cheerleader and saw her legs off. OKAY, that answers that."

• "I detest sleep. I've got better things to do. Besides, I find it frightening - to awaken and be unsure of everything you remember about life not being just part of a dream. Waking means I've slept, and sleep dissolves what certainty I have left."

• "Funny thing is, Pinocchio's a real boy now but his wiring's all fucked up."

• "Either my hair burned off in hell, or I sleep-shaved it during a really stupid dream."

• "Does light even EXIST when the refrigerator door is shut!?"

• "You know that feeling you get? The one where you just know you're going to projectile vomit out of every orifice? I feel that right now. I want you away. Leave me to my vomit."
  • to Jimmy

• "Imagine a sculptor being confronted by a stranger, who, as it turns out, confesses to revere our sculptor. Imagine the flattery known to anybody who is told they've inspired some noble aspiration in somebody. The student then presents our sculptor with a work fashioned after the sculptor's own style - a likeness of the student himself. It is a monstrosity! A fucking mess. Even worse, is that our artist sees that this piece of shit before him is a more reasonable facsimile of his own work than he'd like to think. You fucking idiot!! Admire me?!! You shit!!! I'm the villain in this fucking story!"
  • to Jimmy

• "Just because we've similar interests does not guarantee you're going to like me! My foot in your ass is a good example of that. My delusionary hell does not agree with yours!!"
  • to Jimmy

• "And though this gets me no absolution, I WOULD NEVER DO WHAT YOU DID TO THAT GIRL!! YOU ABOMINATION OF MENTAL SUBVERSION!! OH, LOOK!! AN ORIFICE. HOW DO YOU LIKE BEING FUCKED WITH STEEL?!!"
  • to Jimmy

• "As you may already know, I tried to kill you. I see how that could be construed as a bad thing, but the part that understands that is not the one running things in my little world."
  • recording, played to Devi over the phone

• "I've excluded happiness as one of those possibilities we seek for ourselves. Oh, I still want it, but that's beside the point. Contentment - they say it's the ultimate, but I can't even wish for that. I don't even want the desire to be content. I can only hope for silence."
  • recording, played to Devi over the phone

• "I like you immensely, Devi. And to prove it, I shall obliterate all of my affection and interest for you. Just like before, but different. I cannot hurt what I do not acknowledge. I don't know of anyone that I love, or of anyone that loves me, but I give you what I can. I give my nothing."
  • recording, played to Devi over the phone

• "I know forgiveness is out of the question. I just ask for what we all ask of the people we respect - that the thought of me does not compel you to violent spasms of projectile vomiting."
  • recording, played to Devi over the phone

• "Kill my stomach if I'm hungry! Shut off my want if I'm lonely! Tear off my genitals if I'm aroused!! Excess!!! So much excess!! It's so much superfluous nonsense, and I want nothing to do with it if I can help it!!!"

• "It's a frightening world to be alone in."
  • to Squee

• "It must be nice to still have the opportunity to save the cohesion of your pretty mind. The best some people can hope for is to better manage their damage."
  • to Squee

• "Dear Die-ary, the passions that drive us should be the ones we respect and admire. To feel contempt for one's own motivations is a vulgar thing. Too often, it seems, I've succumbed to less-than admirable compulsions, driven by this furiously reprehensible machine of mine. So many things inside that I can do without - desires and urges and what not. So extraneous. By the time I write in this book again, I hope to be as cold as the moon that lights this page."

• "Such amusing fiction, these stories they tell. It always comes to this. If they really had a desire to live, they would've been more aware of how easy it is to die, would've chosen their actions more wisely. In these moments, you can tell they're not regretting having hurt you. They regret doing it to your face. They get so loud. They make so much noise. I try to wait until I'm out of the room before I start laughing... A blur... of... sweating... screaming... human... drama... but, everyonce in a while, they say things that sound like words. They make me think about what I'm doing. The noises make me uncomfortable. So uncomfortable that... sometimes... I wonder... why I don't just get myself a pair of earplugs."
  • on his victims and their begging as he murders them

• "Dear Die-ary, there's nothing terribly wrong with feeling lost, so long as that feeling precedes some plan on your part to actually do something about it. Too often a person grows complacent with their disillusionment, perpetually wearing their "discomfort" like a favorite shirt. I can't say I'm very pleased with where my life is just now... but I can't help but look forward to where it's going."
  • volume 7, his final line in the comic
• "Don't disturb me at home...I'm very busy!"
• "Try the stew...it's delicious" (from Squee = Dreamtime)
  • (from Squee's Wonderful Big Giant Book of Unspeakable Horrors, his final line in the comic)

• "I love children, they're so sweet and stay crunchy in milk"

• "Why are people so... unpleasant? Honestly, it's so difficult to truly care about so many things without first knowing the answers to some of the most fundamental, mind ravaging questions! How can one possibly respect the existence of something, people in this case, when that something seems to defy respect? They do such trivial things, and find amusement, even up to 'so-called' maturity, in the incessant mistreatment of their own kind."

Happy Noodle Boy is a comic Nny draws in his spare time. The main character is a hideous stick figure that spouts garbage and bewilders everyone he meets. He dies a lot.

• "These hands!! I can't get them off my wrists!!"

• "Squeeze my nub!"

• "Now you see what my goiter can do to your follicles!"

• "I am wiggling my leg! Witness my leg!"

• "NIPPLES!! I HAVE NO NIPPLES!!!"

• "Clutch my testes, bloody squirrel humpers!!"

• "Cease your flatulent winds and hear my mind-numbing expulsions of wicked noise! Grr!! Cheese!!!"

• "I have powers pinto beans can only dream of!"

• "Everybody! Say it with me as I wiggle!! Peas! Peas! Peas! Peas! Peas! Peas! Look David Hasselhoff can fly!!"

• "Those kids are after me lucky charms!! Must get to my car and escape! Shit! Speed lines are chasing me!!"

• "Crackers! Crackers! But, no squeezy cheese!! You've broken my secret elbow!"

• "Holy pigshit, Batman!"

• "Oh, the horror!! The funky horror!!"

• "Whoopee, and all that shit!!"

• "Stop with the mooing you damned chihuahua!"

• "Accept my heartwarming gift of tree scratchies!!!"

• "Moo! Moo!! Mooo!!! I'm voodoo cursing you!!"

• "Goobers or Raisinets?! Goobers or Raisinets?!! Squeak once for yes!! Who has stolen my cheese!! Answer me, or don't!!"

• Note: "Then, so as to anger American audiences, 10 minutes of french dialogue with subtitles ensue, guaranteeing limited theatrical release."

Happy Noodle Boy: "Je suis un tres grande pomme de terre! (I am a very large potato!)"
Squirrel: "Mange poisson avec moi (Eat fish with me)"

• "Pssst, lady, c'mere and drool on my face."

• "The monkey, he see me, but me don't see da monkey. He punch me in da head!! Head punchin' monkey!! Skeetos drinked my head juice!! Corn!!"

• "I won't leave you!!! You is my bruddah!! BLOOOGH!!! I won't forget you!! I do mighty kung-fu kick for you!!!"

• "I am like a flying potato!! Bow down!! Or I will unleash my zoinky army of surly crack-babies!!"

• "I am going to fly into your butt!! Prepare all asses for vicious entry!!"

• "End this pathetic deception! I know you're hiding martians in your head!! Gimme them martians! I am going to put butter on them!!"

• "Otan jiyou bi o me detou gozaimasu!! [webmaster's note: If anyone can tell me what that means, there will be warm offerings of tree scratchies in it for you. Thank you.]"
  • editor's note: it means "Happy Birthday!" in Japanese. Wheres my warm offerings of tree scratchies?!?!!?

• "You think, but you're not plywood."

• (Points at a dead dog) "My god!! You're beautiful!!"

• "You have invoked an evil older than man!! Older than croutons!!"

• "MMMM MONKEYYZ"

Several times, police officers try to subdue Happy Noodle Boy. Their dialog is almost as stupid and meaningless as his.

• "You insane son of a bitch! You just ruined a perfectly good baby! I yell!"
  • policeman, after Happy Noodle Boy throws a baby off a cliff

• "I am the policeman who punches heads!! Now move along you insane freak."
  • policeman, to Happy Noodle Boy

• "Hey you! Stop eating grass!! This isn't some kind of grass eating place where you can eat grass!! Hear me!! I am da law!!"
  • policewoman, to Happy Noodle Boy

• "You fucking lunatic!! Stop!! Don't make me shoot your groin!!"
  • policewoman, to Happy Noodle Boy

Squee is Johnny's next door neighbor, a little boy who is terrified of pretty much everything. His mother is often too doped out on pills to notice him, and his father thinks of him as nothing more than a mistake. Occasionally, and especially in their last scene together, Johnny seems to consider himself a big brother to Squee. Admittedly, a mass murdering, psychopathic big brother.

• "Let's go to my room, Shmee. We'll hide under the blankets and maybe fall asleep before we die."

• "Squee!"
  • The high, squeaky sound made whenever Squee is frightened.

• "No, you're wrong, Shmee. They aren't bad people. They love me. They don't really mean it when they tell me to get kidnapped."
  • Contradicting Shmee on the bear's opinion on Squee's parents.

• "Yay!! I’m home and I wasn’t attacked by that squirrel!"

• "So, are you gonna chop me up and put me in the garbage now? Because Shmee tells me you're a bad guy. He says this is a bad place to be. Please don't chop me up."

• "Buy me or I'll die!"
  • From the front cover of "New and improved Squee!"

• "NOOOO!! I DON'T WANT TO EAT NO TOASTED SOULS OF THE DAMNED!!!!"

• Squee: "Are there other kids here?" (his final line in the comic)

• Doctor: "Yes, but I wouldn't get too close to them!"

• Doctor (offscreen to Squee): "Hey kid, don't turn your head or your brain will melt!" (final line in the comic)

• "Well... it beats a lobotomy!"
  • On a one sheet artwork, showing Squee hiding out in Pepito's home

• "Um... Mary Thomas said I have cooties. Those are bad."

• "Nooo... setting people on fire is wrong. Hee hee. You're silly, Shmee."

• "Your presence tires me."
  • to Squee

• "Do you know what it's like to be trapped into a life you never planned on having?"
  • to Squee

• "I haven't smiled once since you were born."
  • to Squee

• "You ruined my life!"
  • to Squee

• "Mommy's ignoring you honey. Go bother your father, he's in his study."
  • to Squee

• "I can't hear you honey."
  • to Squee

• "Time's up boy!!Next time I see you, you will be a lot smaller and coming out of my other end!"
  • (Note from author): Okay, even I admit how disgusting that was.

• "My dog's name is Woofles!" (concluding his speech on armagedon)

• "Yeayyy... see you tommorow, Squee!"

• "Stand back amigo, this is a job for the ANTICHRIST!"
  • to Squee before bringing doom upon his bullying classmates

Devi is a girl that Nny once managed to date. Everything was going wonderful up until they were about to make out, and Nny suddenly decided he had to kill her to preserve the moment. Consequently, she beat the living shit out of him and ran, while Nny stayed put bleeding on the floor.

• "Nny... It felt like such a good thing with him. Have you ever hated someone for making you like them - like them so much... and then wish they would die?"

• "You know what's worse than hiding from what scares you?!? Do you?! I'll tell you-- it's having good things pass you by because you're too busy cringing in idiot terror, hiding someplace where all you can do is dwell on shit!!"
  • to Johnny over the phone

• "Sigh... It's so pretty when you're looking down on it."
  • to Johnny, while referring to the town below on their date

Two styrofoam cutouts that live in Johnny's house. At first they can only talk; halfway through the series they develop the ability to move, before being destroyed by their "master", the monster in Johnny's wall. They are often confused, as they look almost exactly alike.

• "You see, he's a bit upset just now. None too pleased with the turn of events. I, on the other hand, feel quite lovely. Ironic, really, considering I'm known to be the depressive side of things, while he is more accustomed to being the manic one."
  • spoken after Johnny has died

• "You are nothing more than an outhouse to him, Mr. Eff, whereas I am his home. He will return, and when he does, that will be the end of it."

• "Try something else! Put your head in the trash compactor! That should work!!"
  • to Johnny about killing himself

• "Don't expect anything but nasty irritation from anyone you didn't create."

• "You're alive for now! Why waste your existence mimicking the dead!? Go enjoy!!"

• "Don't make me break my foot off in your ass!!"

• "Poisoning our boy's mind with your shit!! You offend me!!!"
  • before tearing off Nail Bunny's head

Nail Bunny, a pet Nny nailed to the wall three years ago, is a small voice of reason in Johnny's mind.

• "You bought me from the pet store, fed me once, and then nailed me to the wall; THREE YEARS AGO. I dont have to imagine."

• "She liked you and you tried to kill her. That was impolite."

• "I mean, look at you! You devote more time to fuming over the stupidity of mankind than you do to what you once felt so much for!! Your imagination has been subverted!!"

• "Killing yourself isn't the answer."

• "The extent of your work is that anemic piece of shit, Happy Noodle Boy! A goddamned STICK FIGURE!!!"

• "...who would ever suspect that they were no longer the mind behind the other end of their internal conversations. The other voices have become self-aware."

Reverend Meat is a burger restaurant sign that somehow came into Johnny's possession. It is in one scene, during volume 7, and attempts to sell to Johnny the concept of living for sensation and pleasure. His opponent in this debate is the silent Mr Samsa, a cockroach whom Johnny admires for his coldness and lack of attachment.

• "Hardly. You see, I am holding a giant hamburger"

• "There is a disturbing association in your mind, between feeling and weakness. I concur that it does present a vulnerability... but it means openness!! To pleasures! To pains! To grievance and rapture!! What other creatures know such things!!? And you would cast it off like an itchy turtleneck?!! Blasphemy of your species!! Your body screams for input!!"

• "You were born a feeling creature. There is no unlearning of your nature. Therefore...there is no choice!!"

• "There is no choice. You're always a slave to something."

WHB is a side-comic character who sees that life is utterly pointless. He doesn't know which to be more depressed about: this fact, or the fact that everyone around him cannot see it.

• "Remember, dog, beauty is ephemeral, pain is forever."

• "If you actually believe your true intelligence is determined by some standardized system, well, then you can't be THAT smart. The ability to quote memorized information is hardly worth such joy."
  • on SAT scores

• "You dare revel in this hideous beast you have spawned, so bloated with countless wicked futures!! Blinded morons, for all you know, this child of yours may be a vessel for Satan!!"
  • to some proud parents

• "Cursed with an abnormally vast perception of this cruel reality. Trudging through levels of intense emotion no small minded creature could withstand!! So it is no surprise that, most of all, there is pain in superiority. I suffer..."sob"...because I am better."

• "I never asked to be this superior being."

• "How I envy those blessed with a stunning ignorance of the truth. (sigh) Oh... to be truly happy! To be an imbecile!"

• "Do you not see how superior I am? Hear me, and evolve."

• "Your pathetic delusion flatters me!! How open you are in exposing your defective and easily misled mind."
  • when a girl professes her love for him

• "Indeed! The toenail that is your brain is hungry!!"

• "Agonizing is the pain of knowledge. Acknowledge my genius and make it more bearable."

• "Ooh. I believe in pain by whatever name you wish to disguise it under. So, yesss!! I DO believe in love!!"

• "I would insult your intelligence, but what would be the point?"

• "There is no worse enemy than the one incapable of knowing why they may be wrong."

• "I have seen the light, and it is me."

• "For, despite the forgiveable ignorance of youth, you are also, likely, being raised by imbeciles, poorly prepared for parenthood, capable only of perpetuating their genetic flaws. What tragedy it is to be just smart enough to know you are doomed to painful idiocy."
  • to a child

• "Because, and I mean no offense by this, I would like to go."
  • Edgar Vargas, to Johnny

• "I CAN'T SEE THE BACK OF MY HEAD!!"

• "MY EYES!! I CAN’T SEE MY EYES!!"

• Krik: "Shiit! It feels like we've been running around for HOURS. Let's rest for a minute."
• Tess: "Okayy!! And, hey, let's also thrust our thumbs deep into our EYE-SOCKETS!! WHEEEE!! C'mon, how stupid are you!?"
  • while running from The Not-Moose (the wall monster)

• Tess: "You're a real asshole, you know that?"
  • Said to Dillon after they are captured by Johnny.

• "I am laughing at his funny-ness."
  • random asshole, on Johnny

• "So he's shaking and whining that he only wanted a BrainFreezy and didn't want to be bothered. Just like a little girl. We pushed him around some more, for a few more minutes. And then, and I swear this happened. I SWEAR... he shot LAZER BEAMS from his EYES!!!"
  • Krik, on how he was caught by Johnny

• "You're not here because that guy is some psychotic, raving, Neo-Nazi NERD!! You're here because you're a small-minded ass-tick!!!"
  • Tess, to Krik

• "Don't make me try to come up with an original curse!!"
  • Krik

• Tess: "I can't believe this. I'm escaping a house full of assholes so I can live in a world where they're NOT in chains."
• Krik: "Fuck you!"
  • while running from The Not-Moose (the wall monster)

• "Not... grasping. She speaks of my manliness, but in... what... a negative way? Confusion!
  • Krik

• "Someone get this churrito out of my ass!!"

In the last half of the series, Johnny dies, goes first to Heaven and then to Hell, and finally is resurrected. On the way he meets, among others, God, Mr. Satan (a.k.a. Senor Diablo), and lots of dead people (including a few of Johnny's previous victims).

• "This is Heaven. You can stop praying now."
  • sign outside Heaven

• "Beware of God."
  • sign outside Heaven

• "OOOOH, SORREEEE!! I only created THE UNIVERSE!!! You’re right, I should be out running LAPS."
  • God

• "Understand that these people are not catatonic, they can get up and do as they please. In fact, they all have powers. Highly destructive weapons of the mind. But there is no desire to use them - either out of respect or out of fear of retaliation. Here, the futility and stupidity of aggression is understood."
  • Damned Elize, tour guide of Heaven

• "HEY!! I'm BLISSING over here!!"
  • random person in Heaven

• The Devil: "You will adress me by my proper, distinguished title - Senor Diablo."
• Johnny: "Will "Mr. Satan" do?"
• The Devil: "Yeah, okay."

• "There is such amusement in seeing the joy in someone when they think they have just gotten smarter."
  • Senor Diablo, on answering Johnny's questions

• "Know that, for all its troubles, the world is perfect. Flawless in its beauties and turmoils. Violence and nightmares being a natural product of humanity."
  • Senor Diablo

• "Hey!! Move it!! Every place I have to be is important!!"
  • old woman in Hell

• "Hah! No, it won't hurt at all, though some people say it is the most excruciating thing they've ever known. Your hair might fall out."
  • Senor Diablo, on being resurrected

• "I’m so depressed. I wish I could kill myself again."
  • Person in Hell

• "Excuse me, but I don't seem to have enough cream cheese to cover both halves of my bagel."
  • Guy in Hell that eats bagels

Jimmy, or as he names himself, "Mmy" is an admirer of Johnny, and attempts to emulate his work. He shows up on Johnny's doorstep shortly after our "hero"'s resurrection, and describes in detail his hideous doings in Johnny's name. He doesn't live long.

• Jimmy: "I can't leave!!!"
• Johnny: "I could arrange for that to be true. But at the moment your legs are still attached to your body. Take advantage of that now."

• "You work with the living canvas, whose ephemeral beauty is realized at that tiny moment at which the life has truly been extinguished from it's shell."
  • to Johnny

• "No! This is wrong. You...you're supposed to teach me!"

• Jimmy: "We could work together. I'm just like you!"
• Johnny: (After smashing a sledgehammer into Jimmy's open torso)"I don't like myself much."

Throughout the comic there are short side stories focusing on Goth young adults. The running joke is that all Goths are the same, even though they cry that they are the lone "individuals".

• "Please, somebody rescue me from this hell of inferiority!! I deserve better than to have to endure the stupidity of those who do not share my interests in music!!"
  • Sanguine

Besides the author's note at the beginning of every volume, occasionally the author inserts himself into side comics, seemingly trying to find inspiration for the next leg of the comic.

• "I trust that your minds are developed enough to take no offense at these things. If not, well, I'm better than you, aren't I?"
  • from author's note, volume 1

• "People. God knows I love them (Do not fear the sarcasm.)"
  • from author's note, volume 2

• "...there's just a time to pull yourself out of the muddy gloom that sucks at your feet and holds you under the delusion that this is the only kind of attention there is to receive. There is a time to just pack your bag full of a deadly arsenal of weapons and just shake off the dismal robe that shrouds you. Well...perhaps YOU shouldn't go about it that way...No, you probably shouldn't. But you'll be seeing somebody who does. Kids, don't do this at home...unless you're not planning on blaming me (in which case, GO TO IT. We need more things like this on the news.)
  • from author's note, volume 3

• "Doing something purely for one's own enjoyment is fine, but, I must admit, finding that others enjoy it as well has a certain power over the corners of my mouth."
  • from author's note, volume 4

• "I do not adore death as if I were some idiot groupie to the lead singer in a band. I approach it with the mixture of fascination/terror/icy speculation of someone who really knows nothing. I trust, only enough, to know that I like myself too much to even consider bringing about my own demise."
  • from author's note, volume 5

• "Letters from "kindred spirits" come in, telling of how they agree with my views and how the world stinks, and of how they wish they could just kill themselves. Well, dispose of yourselves quietly, if you must, so long as you don't leave a note saying I told you to do it, you self-esteem deficient loons. I happen to have a certain fondness for existing - soda wouldn't have that lovely fizzy feeling if you were dead. Think of all the things you would miss; cartoons, music, movies, video games, music, art, fingernail growth, sex...well, perhaps not sex, depending on how weird your mortician is."
  • from author's note, volume 6

• "...the soon to be ruler of the known universe JHONEN VASQUEZ!! Your desire to be conquered bleeds out of you. I know you want it."
  • from author's note, volume 7

• "I mean, I still haven't killed anyone. I think I keep from going over that edge by writing about this person who has taken a flying leap over it."

• "NOOOOOO!!! I’ve lost the respect of this impolite special ed student!! I have no valid reason to live!! (Thank you, Lord, for sarcasm.)"

• "A lovely day in the city park. Sun shining, the birds singing! They're laughing at me mom!!"

• "To achieve THIS shot, we first made a plaster mold of the actor's head. We then filled it with cow parts. Then, for realism, we surprised the actor by blowing a hole through his head."
  • side note

• "Parents, don't get upset-It's a fake brain. A gelatin mixture was poured into a brain shaped mold. We then filled it with the blood of a homeless man. No one will miss him."
  • side note when Nny throws a molester's brain into a wall

• "Fun Fact: it's not a moose."
  • note next to panel of the huge monster escaped from Nny's wall

• "Stupid people: I would ask you to keep in mind that this should NOT be a source of moral guidance (THAT WOULD BE MOVIES). Put away the knives and never allow yourselves to forget: YOU ARE STUPID."
  • note next to Nny's ramblings about torture being justified

• "He is thinking of how pathetic this is. [next panel] I don't know what he's thinking here. He is very mysterious."
  • notes while Johnny is listening to Jimmy's perversion of Nny's methods

• "Kids, drugs won't help things. They'll only turn you into a hideous little freak troll-baby with exploding eyeballs."
  • moral at end of exaggerated one-shot about boy who does drugs

• "Ah, swearing - Beloved crutch of the intellectually deviant."
  • note during Krik's tirade at a dying Johnny

• "Kids, don't be stupid and try this. This is a trained flying toddler."
  • note during Heaven fight scene

• "Angry nun is always comedy."
  • note during Heaven fight scene

• "Don't sue me. I'm funny."
  • on mentioning Taco Bell

• "Sir? There seems to be a problem with this ice-sucky machine. Please make my pain end."
  • to gas station attendant

• Jhonen: Heyyyy...wait a minute. You're the Devil, aren't you?"
• Gas station attendant: Nooo, I'm not the Devil. Go away.
• Jhonen: Ohhh, come on. You're the Devil.
• Gas station attendant: GLAARGH! BLOOOGH! (morphs into demon) Yess! I am the DEVIL!! DAMN you and your mighty word probe!

• "For those dense fucks who grow weary at the absence of sophomoric violence, here is a little boy being attacked by his cuddly gerbil."
  • side note during philosophical stretch in volume 6

• "Check out Happy Jack's Happy Noodle boy Page - I won't give you the URL because life is never easy - do a web search."

• "Until the future happens, goodnight."

• "Keep Smiling until you stop"

• "It's a book you can enjoy with the entire family, so long as they're numb to the grotesque."
  • on Squee, the spinoff to Johnny the Homicidal Maniac

• "I can tell the book's getting more successful because of the dramatic increase in the "YOU FUCKER! I WROTE TO YOU AND YOU NEVER WROTE BACK YOU SUCK YOUR RESPONSE WAS SO SHORT IT'S LIKE YOU DON'T HAVE THE TIME TO DEVOTE SHITLOADS OF PERSONAL CORRESPONDENCE TO MEEEEE AND ONLY MEEEEE" kind of letters. People, I do enjoy the letters, but REALLY, to most readers I am a book in their hands, not a friend and not an enemy. Not even a person. What matters is the book, not my personal responses to some lunatic's queries. Overall, however, the mail (paper and electronic) has been quite lovely, making me smile like the little girl I wish I was."

• "Much more will happen, but I am sneaky piggy, so I no tell."

Hidden in the panels of JTHM, there are often signs and other things. Many of them are on Nny's shape shifting t-shirt, which has never yet managed to stay quite the same through one conversation.

• "Smile!! Though your life is miserable"
  • poster in Squee's room

• 1. Murder. What's with that?
  2. Do you kill people?
  3. Pain. Good?
  4. Have you ever been murdered?
  • questions on survey about recent murders

• "Break glass in case of overwhelming despair."
  • glass front of gun case in Nny's home

• "Drink blood. Go to hell. Parents concerned about vampirism."
  • poster

• "Utilizes dazzling, stark, black and white technology given to us by the benevolent space creatures."
  • t-shirt ad

• "Smile! You fucker!"
  • Nny's t-shirt

• "Keep off! It's impolite to walk on the dead."
  • sign on Johnny's front yard

• "Kiss me!! I'm insane!!"
  • Nny's t-shirt

• "This is my back"
  • back of Nny's t-shirt

• "The most beloved massive head wound recipient in existence."
  • caption at beginning of chapter in volume 5

• "Please stop breathing."
  • Nny's t-shirt

• "You are so small."
  • Nny's t-shirt

• "Suck it like you loves it, baby!!"
  • Ice Sucky cup

• "Acheron Cosmetic Surgery - because you're ugly :)"
  • sign on building in Hell

• "Have you seen this boy? He is very ugly."
  • poster in hell

• "This is the Johnny shirt that all your ugly friends are wearing. You are much better looking, so get it and make them see how hideous they are. It's not really edible, you could eat it if you really tried."
  • t-shirt ad

• "Knock on me. You just TRY IT."
  • sign on Johnny's front door in volume 7

• "Plastic Roses: Get your ass kicked for being insensitive."
  • Last page in the Director's Cut

• "Dude, can you spare some change? I need beer."
  • Cardboard Sign held by someone in Part 7

• "If you can read this, you are probably not dead yet. - The management."
  • sign in Nny's basement

• "You'll pee fire!"
  • Ad for Senor Salsa chilli dip

• "Your intestines will hate you."
  • Ad for Cheese Nubs

• "Enjoy your stay."
  • Written in blood in a torture chamber

• "I Eat Food"
  • Nny's shirt

• "What Do You NEED?"
  • Nny's shirt

• "Z?"
  • Appears on the shirt of Mr. Eff, one of the doughboys, and from time to time, on Nny's own shirt.

• Johnny the Hamicidal Maniac
  • Poster in Ann Gwish's room, showing Johnny C. in pig form.

• "Hellfire Vodka"
  • Vodka brand in Hell

• ring me, I dare you
  • Johnny's door bell

• 777
  • Johnny's house address

• 777 the # of the moose
  • A shirt of Johnny's

• For a good time, don't call me. I am dull.
  • Graffiti in a bathroom stall

why are you not dead?

• t-shirt of Johnnys

• Jhonen Vasquez's official website