Gilmore Girls/Season 1

Gilmore Girls (2000–2007) is a dramatic television show, created by Amy Sherman-Palladino, centering around the relationship between a single mother and her daughter in a small Connecticut town.

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Season 1; Season 2; Season 3; Season 4; Season 5; Season 6; Season 7

Season 1

Pilot [1.01]

[The series' first lines]

Lorelai: Please, Luke. Please, please, please!

Luke: How many cups have you had this morning?

Lorelai: None.

Luke: Plus?

Lorelai: 5, but yours is better.

Luke: You have a problem.

Lorelai: Yes, I do.

[Luke fills her cup.]

Luke: Junkie.

Lorelai: Angel. You've got wings, baby.

Lorelai: This is it. She can finally go to Harvard like she's always wanted and get the education that I never got and get to do all the things that I never got to do and then I can resent her for it and we can finally have a normal mother-daughter relationship.

[Lorelai is bursting to tell Rory about her acceptance to Chilton]

Rory: You look happy.

Lorelai: Yeah.

Rory: [suspiciously] Did you do something slutty?

Lorelai: I'm not that happy.

Emily: Champagne, ladies?

Lorelai: Wow, that's fancy.

Emily: Well, it's not every day I have my girls over for dinner on a day that the banks are open.

Rory: So, Grandpa, how's the insurance biz going?

Richard: Eh, people die, we pay. People crash cars, we pay. People lose a foot, we pay.

Lorelai: Well, at least you have your new slogan.

Richard: How are things at the motel, Lorelai?

Lorelai: You mean the inn? Great.

[Phone rings, then continues to ring]

Lorelai: Michel - the phone!

Michel: Yes. It rings.

Lorelai: Can you answer it?

Michel: No. People are particularly stupid today. I can't talk to any more of them.

Lorelai: Then how would you like to talk to the unemployment agency?

Michel: [Picks up phone] Hello Independence Inn, Michel speaking.

The Lorelais' First Day at Chilton [1.02]

Rory: I can't be late on my first day of school. Do you know what happens to people when they're late on their first day?

Lorelai: It's shorter?

Paris: Lorelai Gilmore.

Louise: Nice stripper name.

Paris: Formerly of Stars Hollow High School.

Louise: Where's that?

Paris: Drive west, make a left at the haystacks and follow the cows.

Louise: Ooh, a Dixie Chick.

Lorelai: I already had the longest day of my life and oh look, it's only 10! How nice!

Luke: There's no coffee.

Lorelai: That's not funny.

Luke: I can get you herbal tea.

Lorelai: This is not a herbal tea morning, this is a coffee morning.

Luke: Every morning for you is a coffee morning.

Lorelai: This is a jumbo coffee morning. I need coffee in an I.V.

Luke: I can give you tea and a balance bar.

Lorelai: Please, please, please, tell me you're kidding!

Luke: I'm kidding. [goes to get the coffee]

Lorelai: You're sick!

Luke: Yup!

Lorelai: You're a sadist, you're a fiend! [Luke comes out with the pot of coffee] You're pretty!

Lorelai: Well, we like our Internet slow, okay? We can turn it on, walk around, dance, make a sandwich. With DSL, there's no dancing, no walking, and we'd starve. It'd be all work and no play. Have you not seen The Shining, Mom?

Rory: Yeah, they kept calling me Mary.

Lorelai: You're kidding me. Wow, I can't believe they still say that.

Rory: Why? What does it mean?

Lorelai: Mary, like Virgin Mary. It means they think you look like a goody-goody.

Rory: You're kidding.

Lorelai: No.

Rory: Well, what would they have called me if they thought I looked like a slut?

Lorelai: Well, they might have added a Magdalene to it.

Rory: Wow, biblical insults. This is an advanced school.

Kill Me Now [1.03]

Michel: The battle for soup versus salad is raging in the other room. Come quick and settle it please, as I am running out of French curse words that they won't understand.

Michel: [to Lorelai] To me you are the teacher in the Charlie Brown Cartoon.

Emily: [about playing golf] Why should she pick something else? She needs to learn a sport and Richard can teach her a sport. [turns to Rory] You can use your mother's old golf clubs. They're upstairs gathering dust along with the rest of her potential.

Lorelai: OK, fine. Is that my sweater?

Rory: What?

Lorelai: You're wearing my sweater.

Rory: So?

Lorelai: No, it's OK. It's just I thought I asked you to at least ask, you know, before you borrow my stuff.

Rory: I'm sorry.

Lorelai: It's OK. It's just not too much for a simple "Can I borrow it, Mom?" is it?

Rory: No, it's not. Jeez, lighten up.

Lorelai: It's my favorite sweater too.

Rory: Since when?

Lorelai: Since always.

Rory: This is not your favorite sweater.

Lorelai: Yes it is and now it's going to be all stretched out just like everything else you borrow.

Rory: What are you talking about?

Lorelai: I'm talking about that you take my sweaters and you wear them and you stretch them out.

Rory: I couldn't possibly stretch them out! Your boobs are way bigger than mine.

Lorelai: That is not true.

Rory: Yes it is.

Lorelai: Your boobs are totally bigger than mine!

Rory: You're crazy!

Lorelai: Do you want to measure?

Rory: What?

Lorelai: I'm serious. Why don't you get the measuring tape right now?

Rory: I am not going to measure my boobs.

Lorelai: Because you know that you are totally bigger.

Rory: I'm going inside.

Lorelai: Fine, don't measure. We'll just compare bras.

Rory: Stop it!

Lorelai: I'll stop when you quit stealing my stuff.

Rory: You're cracked!

Lorelai: You're... bigger.

The Deer Hunters [1.04]

[Rory and Lorelai are shopping for school supplies.]

Rory: I’m going to a serious school now, I need serious paper.

Lorelai: Paper’s paper.

Rory: Not at Chilton.

Lorelai: Alright, fine. Here is your serious paper.

Rory: Thank you.

Lorelai: Ooh and here are your somber highlighters, your maudlin pencils, your manic-depressive pens.

Rory: Mom.

Lorelai: Now these erasers are on lithium so they may seem cheerful but we actually caught them trying to shove themselves in the pencil sharpener earlier.

Rory: I’m going home now.

Lorelai: No, wait! We’re going to stage an intervention with the neon post-its and make them give up their wacky crazy ways.

[After Rory got her first D on a test]

Rory: A "D" at Stars Hollow is like an "F" at Chilton. It's worse, it's like a "G" or a... "W".

Lorelai: I'm guessing the spelling test didn't go well either?

Rory: [about going to Chilton] Do you really think I can do this?

Lorelai: I bet you a dollar.

Rory: That's it? That's all my future is worth? 1 dollar?

Lorelai: Well you did get a "D".

[Lorelai is quizzing Rory for her test on Shakespeare]

Lorelai: The Comedy of Errors... written?

Rory: 1590.

Lorelai: Published?

Rory: 1698...

Lorelai: Oo, 1623... close.

Rory: How is 1623 close?

Lorelai: You got the 16 part right.

Rory: I was off by 75 years!

Lorelai: Well...anything under a hundred is close.

Rory: What kind of a rule is that?!

Lorelai: I'm running the study session here.

[After cramming all night for the test the next day, Rory wakes up at the kitchen table]

Rory: No. Oh no!

Lorelai: Aww...jeez, such a bad sleeping idea.

Rory: I'm late!

Lorelai: What?

Rory: I'm late, I'm late! I woke up late!

Lorelai: Rory, calm down.

Rory: I can't calm down, I missed my bus. Get up!

Lorelai: Sweety, mommy can't get up right now, mommy's been sleeping at a right angle all night.

Cinnamon's Wake [1.05]

[A French businessman walks up to the front desk.]

French Businessman: Bonjour, monsieur. Vous êtes français? Vous parlez français?

[Translation: "Hello, sir. Are you French? Do you speak French?"]

Michel: No, sorry.

French Businessman: Mais vous avez un accent français. Vous parlez pas français?

[Translation: "But you have a French accent. Don't you speak French?"]

Michel: Sir, I'm just a simple country boy from Texas. I do not understand this "français" business you're babbling about.

Lorelai: Pardon.

[Lorelai takes Michel aside.]

Lorelai: He knows you are not from Texas.

Michel: Smile when you say that.

Lorelai: Michel, I told you there would be a French group here for a couple of days, and it's your job to keep them happy.

Michel: Lorelai, I don't know how many French people you've met over the years, but most of them are insufferable.

Lorelai: [sarcastically] Really?

Michel: Mm. That is why I left France.

Lorelai: Huh. I thought it had something to do with the torches and the villagers. Michel, talk to them.

Michel: Never.

[He turns away from Lorelai. She just glares at him.]

Michel: You are giving me that look, aren't you? Your patented "Do it or something unspeakable shall befall you" look. [pause, sighs] Fine, I shall be French, but I shall not be happy.

Lorelai: Then you will be yourself. Good choice.

Lorelai: Why should we date?

Max: Because we are attracted to each other.

Lorelai: I am attracted to pie, but I do not feel the need to date pie.

Babette: I never thought a man would ever even want me.

Lorelai: I know the feeling.

Babette: Oh, please, with that ass? Gimme a break.

[Rory and Lorelai arguing about Lorelai dating Rory's teacher]

Rory: How long have you been dating him?

Lorelai: I haven't! This was going to be the first time.

Rory: And when were you planning on telling me about this? On your wedding day?

Lorelai: No, by the rehearsal dinner at least!

[after Lorelai tells Emily on the phone that she attended a wake for a cat, after complaining about not being able to attend a relative's wake]

Emily: I'm looking up "aneurysm" in our medical dictionary to see if I just had one.

Lorelai: I just wanted to be honest with you, Mom. Silly me!

Emily: A cat?

Lorelai: Yeah, a cat, it was a cat's funeral.

Emily: You skipped your own cousin's funeral for a cat funeral?

Lorelai: Not my cousin, Mom. My father's grandmother's sister's girl whom I've never ever uh..

Emily: You said you couldn't be away from the inn.

Lorelai: Well, I couldn't at the time, but I worked it out.

Emily: For a cat?

Lorelai: [sighs] It's late, I have a big day tomorrow, Mom.

Emily: Oh, what? You're going to a raccoon's wedding?

Lorelai: [With a fixed smile] Goodnight, mother!

Rory's Birthday Parties [1.06]

Emily: Yes. So, Rory, your grandfather and I thought it might be nice after dinner for you to go around the house and pick out what you'd like us to leave you in our wills.

Richard: Take a look at that desk in my office. It's a really fine Georgian piece.

Lorelai: Why don't I ever bring a tape recorder to these dinners?

Rory: Oh, well, anything you want to leave me is fine.

Emily: Nonsense. You should have what you like. So look around and when you see something you like stick a post-it on it.

Lorelai: OK, you two have officially hit a new level of weird that even I marvel at.

Emily: You can pick out things too, you know.

Lorelai: Oh, well now it's way less creepy.

Emily: Did you hear that Richard? Apparently we're creepy.

Richard: Yes, well, live and learn.

Lorelai: What's that?

Emily: It's dessert.

Lorelai: It's pudding.

Emily: Well if you knew what it was why did you ask?

Lorelai: You don't like pudding.

Emily: Yes, but you like pudding.

Lorelai: Oh, I love pudding. I worship it. I have a bowl up on the mantel at home with the Virgin Mary, a glass of wine, and a dollar bill next to it.

Rory: I've never had pudding from a crystal bowl before.

Emily: You like the bowl?

Rory: Mmm.

Emily: Put a post-it on it when you're done.

Rory: Mom's famous for her blowouts.

Lorelai: The best one was her eighth birthday.

Rory: Oh yeah, that was good.

Lorelai: The cops shut us down.

Luke: The cops shut down an eight year old's birthday party?

Rory: And arrested the clown.

Rory: So, is this party Grandma's having gonna be a big deal?

Lorelai: Not really. The government will close that day. Flags will fly at half-mast. Barbra Streisand will give her final concert…again. Now, the Pope has previous plans, but he's trying to get out of them. However, Elvis and Jim Morrison are coming and they're bringing chips.

Rory: You ask a simple question…

[Lorelai wakes Rory up on her birthday at 4:03 am, the moment she was born, to tell her the story of her birth, a birthday tradition]

Lorelai: [whispering as if this is a fairytale] And it's so hard to believe that at exactly this time many moons ago, I was lying in exactly the same position --

Rory: Oh, boy. Here we go.

Lorelai: Only I had a huge, fat stomach and big fat ankles and I was swearing like a sailor--

Rory: On leave.

Lorelai: On leave -- right! And there I was --

Rory: In labor.

Lorelai: And while some have called it the most meaningful experience of your life, to me it was something more akin to doing the splits on a crate of dynamite.

Rory: I wonder if the Waltons ever did this.

Lorelai: And I was screaming and swearing and being surrounded as I was by a hundred prominent doctors, I just assumed there was an actual use for the cup of ice chips they gave me.

Rory: There wasn't.

Lorelai: But pelting the nurses sure was fun.

Kiss and Tell [1.07]

Rory: Hey. My mom's not wearing any underwear.

Lorelai: Oh!

Rory: Well you aren't.

Taylor: You're just being selfish, Luke.

Lorelai: Still they don't notice. I can't take it anymore.

Taylor: We're talking about the spirit of fall.

[Lorelai gets the coffee herself and lifts the cover off the muffins.]

Lorelai: What kind of muffin do you want?

Rory: Blueberry.

Luke: You know where you can stick the spirit of fall?

[Luke hands Lorelai a utensil to pick up the muffins.]

Luke: Here, don't use your hands.

Taylor: I don't think you're taking me seriously.

Luke: What gave you that idea? [to Lorelai, who is leaving] No tip?

Lorelai: Oh, yeah, here's a tip: serve your customers.

Luke: Here's another: don't sit on any cold benches.

[At the grocery store, Lorelai tells Luke that bagger Dean has given Rory her first kiss.]

Lorelai: That Lothario over there has wormed his way into my daughter's heart — and mouth — and for that, he must die!

Luke: You can't kill the bag boy.

Lorelai: Why not?

Luke: It's double coupon day — you'll bring down the town.

[Lorelai and Rory are arguing because Lorelai has invited Dean over to watch a movie.]

Lorelai: Stop saying mother like that.

Rory: Like what?

Lorelai: Like there's supposed to be another word after that.

[Lorelai invites Dean to Gilmore movie night and then retires to the kitchen to let the kids be alone. Shortly, a panicked Rory enters.]

Rory: Mom! What are you doing in here?

Lorelai: [idly flipping though a magazine] Trying to find the best bathing suit for my bust size?

Rory: Well… get back in there!

Lorelai: [concerned] Why? What happened? Did the bad boy try something?

Rory: He's sitting there, and he's watching the movie, and he's perfect, and he smells really good!

Lorelai: What?

Rory: He smells really good, and he looks amazing, and I am stupid! I said "Thank you"!

Lorelai: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You… you said "Thank you"?

Rory: When he kissed me!

Lorelai: Wai… He kissed you again? What is he, just out of prison or something?

Rory: No, not now. Yesterday? At the store?

Lorelai: Oh, all right. Strike the prison comment. So wait… he kissed you, and you said "Thank you"?

Rory: [disgustedly] Yes!

Lorelai: [sweetly] Well, that was very polite.

Rory: No, it was stupid! And I don't know what I'm doing here, you're sitting here in the kitchen… what kind of chaperone are you?

Lorelai: Me? I'm not trying to be a chaperone. I'm trying to be a girlfriend.

Rory: Well, switch gears, 'cause I'm freaking out here!

[Lorelai smiles.]

Lorelai: You really like him, don't you?

Rory: [troubled] Yeah!

Lorelai: Well, okay then. Just calm down.

Rory: I just don't want to do or say anything else that's gonna be remotely moronic.

Lorelai: I'm afraid once your heart is involved, it all comes out in Moron.

Lorelai: Rory likes you.

Dean: Yes, she likes me, but you're her best friend, and if you don't like me, I won't get anywhere.

Lorelai: I want to like you.

Dean: But you don't like me.

Lorelai: But I want to like you... and I usually get what I want.

[Taken aback, Dean nods]

Love and War and Snow [1.08]

Lorelai: Michel, it's the first snowfall of the season. It's very lucky! Make a wish.

Michel: Get away from me.

Lorelai: Oh, you're not supposed to say it out loud.

[Michel answers the phone.]

Lorelai: [dreamily to herself] The world changes when it snows. It's quiet. Everything softens.

Michel: It's your mother.

Lorelai: And then the rain comes.

Luke: [to Lorelai, about the town Reenactment] Tradition is a trap that allows people to stick their head in the sand. Everything in the past was so quaint, so charming. Time's were simpler, kids didn't have sex, neighbors knew each other. It's a friggin' fairy tale. Things sucked then too, they just sucked without indoor plumbing.

[Emily has called Lorelai to warn her of the heavy snowfall.]

Emily: Have you seen the news?

Lorelai: Ever?

Emily: A bad storm is heading your way. It's already hitting us here.

Lorelai: Well, don't panic. I'll get the ark, you get the animals.

Emily: I just sent Lance to pick up Rory at school. The roads are terrible — black ice everywhere. It's just a mess out there. I hate this kind of weather. So, anyhow, what time will you get here?

Lorelai: Well, uh, gee, Mom, I don't know. Let me see… black ice, treacherous roads. I'll just put on my red, white, and blue leotard, grab my golden lasso, and fly the invisible plane on over?

Emily: You're not coming.

Lorelai: Well, if it's as bad as you say it is, I don't see how I can get there.

Emily: Well, I guess it'll just be the three of us then.

Lorelai: I guess so.

Emily: And you know, Rory should probably spend the night tonight also.

Lorelai: Uh, okay.

Emily: And if it's still bad tomorrow…

Lorelai: Mom? Why don't you wait to see what the weather does before you fill out a change of address card for her?

[The elder Gilmores, entertaining Rory, are left without the services of their cook, who is snowed in.]

Emily: This is a serious problem. These Friday dinners are the only proper food that child eats all week.

Richard: Rory? Are you in any way malnourished, or in need of some international relief organization to recruit a celebrity to raise money on your account?

Rory: I'm good.

Richard: She's good, Emily.

Michel: Not everyone finds the idea of being pelted with frozen water appealing.

Lorelai: I know, and how sad for them.

Michel: The thrilling sensation of getting lost in a blizzard, of freezing to death in the woods and having to eat your friend's buttocks to stay alive. That is lost on many people.

Rory's Dance [1.09]

[Emily is waiting on a wounded Lorelai, against the latter's wishes. She sets a plate of food down.]

Emily: There ya' go.

Lorelai: Mom, I think… somebody already ate that.

Emily: That is a mashed banana on toast.

Lorelai: [doubtfully] Mm-kay.

Emily: I used to make this all the time for you when you were a little girl.

Lorelai: You did?

Emily: Yes! Whenever you got sick, I made this.

Lorelai: You sure it wasn't the other way around?

Emily: What are you doing?

Lorelai: I'm taking out the avocado.

Emily: Since when don't you like avocado?

Lorelai: Since I said "Gross, what's that?" and you said "Avocado."

[Emily preparing to take a picture of Rory in her dance dress]

Emily: Okay, Rory, come in here please.

Rory: [walks in with a bib on her neck, eating tacos, still wearing her boots] Hey Grandma!

Emily: [not amused with what she saw, telling Lorelai] She has lived with you too long.

[Outside, Dean honks his horn repeatedly for Rory to come out.]

Emily: This is not a drive-through! She is not fried chicken!

Forgiveness and Stuff [1.10]

Lane: You have to look at what a gift says to the other person, not to you. Remember two years ago, I got my mom that perfume?

Rory: Yeah.

Lane: Okay, to me that said, "Hey Mom, you work hard, you deserve something fancy". Now to my mother, it said, "Hey Mom, here's some smelly sex juice, the kind I use to lure boys with", and resulted in me being sent to Bible camp all summer.

Lorelai: I feel like this is one of those moments when I should be remembering all the great times I had with my dad, you know. The time he took me shopping for a Barbie or to the circus or fishing but my mind is a complete blank.

Luke: Well I'm sure it happened.

Lorelai: No it didn't. We never did any of that. He went to work, he came home, he read the paper, he went to bed, I snuck out the window. Simple. He was a very by the numbers guy. I was never very good with numbers.

Luke: I'm sure he loves you.

Lorelai: You know my dad is not a bad guy.

Luke: I'm sure he's not.

Lorelai: He lived his life the way he thought he was supposed to. He followed the rules taught to him by his non-fishing-non-Barbie-buying dad. He worked hard. He bought a nice house. He provided for my mom. All he asked in return was for his daughter to wear white dresses and go to cotillion and want the same life that he had. What a disappointment it must have been for him to get me.

Luke: I can't imagine anyone seeing you as a disappointment.

Luke: [as Lorelai avoids going into her father's hospital room] So, who are you going to go find now?

Lorelai: Stop.

Luke: How about Jimmy Hoffa? That'll keep you busy for a while.

Lorelai: I said stop.

Luke: You can't avoid going in that room forever.

Lorelai: I'm not avoiding anything. I'm going to find coffee.

Luke: The machine is jammed.

Lorelai: There are other machines.

Luke: Admit you're afraid.

Lorelai: You have no idea what you're talking about.

Luke:The truth hurts.

Lorelai: No, you know what hurts? Having a screwdriver jammed in the side of your head.

Luke: What? [Looks behind him and sees a person on a gurney] Oh, my God!

Emily: [about Lorelai and Luke] So what exactly is going on between the two of you?

Luke: Nothing. Really. We're friends, that's it.

Emily: You're idiots, the both of you.

Lorelai: Rory, there are only two things that I trust in this entire world. The fact that I will never be able to understand what Charo is saying no matter how long she lives in this country, and you.

Rory: Hopefully not in that order.

Paris Is Burning [1.11]

Louise: Dumb girls crave smart men. It's the whole Marilyn Monroe-Arthur Miller syndrome.

Rory: Buttercup is a special dog. She's extremely skittish and tends to react badly towards blonde haired females, brunette males, children of either sex, other animals, red clothing, cabbage or anyone in a uniform.

[Luke walks up to them.]

Lorelai: [to Luke] Hey, we just found the doggy version of you.

Luke: Who's Skippy?

Rory: Skippy was our hamster.

Lorelai: He doesn't care

Luke: [asking curiously] What happened to Skippy?

Lorelai: [Defensively] Nothing happened to Skippy.

Rory: Every time Mom put her hand in his cage, he'd bite her.

Lorelai: And laugh.

Luke: Hamsters don't laugh.

Lorelai: Oh, this one laughed, trust me.

Rory: So finally she got fed up.

Luke: Of being laughed at by a hamster?

Lorelai: Well yeah!

Rory: And she stopped cleaning it's cage. Instead, every day she'd stuff some Kleenex in there.

Luke: You didn't.

Lorelai: It was the quilted kind.

Rory: So this keeps going on and the cage is just a cage full of Kleenex that moves a little, and the smell - really good.

Luke: I can imagine.

Lorelai: No, no, you can't!

Rory: So she takes the cage to the place where we bought him, waits for the sales guy to go behind the desk, and dumps it on the counter, then bolts.

Luke: You abandoned your hamster?

Lorelai: Look, I know it was bad, but this was a vicious hamster. This was like a "Damien" hamster with little beady eyes and a big forked tail and a cape with a hood and... bye bye Buttercup. Bye, Luke.

Rory: You did the right thing.

Lorelai: Uh, I want a pet.

Lorelai: It was a mistake.

Emily: A mistake?! You call that a mistake!?

Lorelai: Well, I tried calling it "Al", but it would only answer to "mistake".

Lorelai: Oh. I want a pet.

Rory: You have me.

Lorelai: You won't bring me my slippers in the morning.

Rory: I might if you had slippers.

Lorelai: Will you wear a collar?

Rory: No.

Lorelai: It'll be pink!

Rory: You're sick.

Double Date [1.12]

Lorelai: After three cheeseburgers, you're done unless you're expecting Elijah to stop by.

Sookie: You will not regret this.

Lorelai: Pick another phrase.

Sookie: You will not have to pay.

Lorelai: Much better.

Rory: I do not want to incur the wrath of Luke.

Lorelai: Why not? It's fun!

Lorelai: I have like six thousand pages of case studies to memorize and this whole big test on the Wal-mart phenomena coming up on Friday and because I have a life, and a job and business school's not the only thing I have to concentrate on, I'm behind and I'll probably fail, and then that little eighteen year old annoying gnat who sits behind me will get another A and make that 'I'm smart, you're dumb' face to me for the rest of the week and I'll be very upset and will possibly cry.

Rory: The music's too loud?

Lorelai: Yes.

Rory: Got it.

Michel: [to Lorelai] Well, not everyone is cut out to be their own boss. Maybe you are more of a worker bee, a follower, a ticket ripper, or the man at the concert with the orange glow stick directing you where to park.

Concert Interruptus [1.13]

Lorelai: Hey, you didn't wake me up!

Rory: I set the clock.

Lorelai: The clock stops ringing when you throw it against the wall, giving me ample time to fall back asleep. You, however never shut-up no matter how hard I throw you against the wall, thus ensuring the wake-up process.

Lorelai: Who wants cheese?

Rory: Are there crackers?

Lorelai: Somewhere in the state of Connecticut, yes, there are crackers.

Rory: And in the Gilmore house?

Lorelai: Who wants cheese?

Rory: Did you find our house okay?

Paris: Your street has no sign on it.

Rory: I told you to turn left at the giant rooster statue.

Paris: I thought you were kidding.

Lorelai: No one kids about Monty!

Lorelai: [about donating clothes] There’s nothing to give up.

Rory: The red and black halter top?

Lorelai: Oh, no.

Rory: Why?

Lorelai: Uh, it’s a classic.

Rory: It’s got rhinestones and zebra stripes on it.

Lorelai: So?

Rory: Tassels.

Lorelai: Yes.

Rory: It has tassels, mom.

Lorelai: Okay, I’ve had this since I was 17.

Rory: Okay, I’m sorry, did I mention the tassels?

That Damn Donna Reed [1.14]

Rory: Can brains hurt?

Lorelai: Yes, it's hypochondria hour.

Rory: No, I'm serious. Last night when I was reading my biology chapters I distinctly heard a ping in the vicinity of my brain.

Lorelai: Your brain pinged?

Rory: Yeah. It just went like 'dink'.

Lorelai: Well then, honey, your brain dinked. It didn't ping.

Rory: Well I hardly think a dinking brain is better than a pinging brain.

Lorelai: Ok, how about this? I'll help you. I love to paint.

Luke: You do?

Lorelai: Yes, I do.

Luke: You love it?

Lorelai: I want to marry it.

Luke: You have strange passions.

Rory: She likes washing dishes too. She's multi-faceted abnormal.

Taylor: When standards slip, families flee and in comes the seedy crowd. You got trouble, my friends.

Lorelai: Right here in River City!

Taylor: This is not funny, Lorelai.

Rory: Mother-daughter window washing. We should try that.

Lorelai: Yeah, right after mother-daughter shock treatments.

Lorelai: [to Rory, about Luke] We're picking out paint colors tonight so it's going to be hours of "yes," "no," "yes," "no," "yes," "no," until my world-famous perseverence wears him down and he winds up in a ball on the floor crying like a girl. Wanna come watch?

Christopher Returns [1.15]

Christopher: Ok look. I’ve been making some changes, especially my career and I think I finally have all my ducks lined up in a row.

Lorelai: You’re opening a shooting gallery.

Christopher: I’ve been tying up loose ends in my life.

Lorelai: Do they make that much string?

Christopher: That was....that was a memorable evening.

Lorelai: Oh yes, it was beautiful in there. We should commemorate it with an oil painting or a severed head or something.

Christopher: Uh, Diane is ancient history.

Rory: When I met her at Easter you said she could be the one.

Christopher: The one to be gone by Memorial Day.

[Christopher making coffee as Lorelai comes in.]

Christopher: Where were you?

Lorelai: Fruitlessly trying to rectify a ratty transgression.

Christopher: Oh. You want some coffee?

Lorelai: No.

Christopher: What?

Lorelai: What?

Christopher: Well I know you well enough to know that when you say no to coffee, especially in the morning, all is not right in Whoville.

Lorelai: Very astute.

Christopher: So... last night.

Lorelai: Ah, last night was Chernobyl and the Hindenburg combined.

Christopher: Right, just checking.

Lorelai: My father almost hit someone. My father has probably only hit another man in college wearing boxing gloves and one of those Fred Mertz Golden Gloves pullover sweaters.

Christopher: Fred Mertz?

Lorelai: "I Love Lucy" - Fred Mertz.

Christopher: Landlord to Ricki, husband to Ethel, I know. It’s just a weird reference.

Lorelai: Hello, pajamas.

Christopher: Right. Continue.

Lorelai: And what are you doing telling my daughter to lie to me anyway?

Christopher: She’s my daughter too.

Lorelai: More like your playmate.

Christopher: You know I don’t deserve that, I’m as mature as you.

Lorelai: What? The Offspring is your favorite band!

Christopher: So? You’re into Metallica!

Lorelai: Well, Metallica is way more substantial than The Offspring!

Christopher: Here we go, it’s the same Black Sabbath riff all over again!

Lorelai: Oh! The Offspring have like one chord progression. They use it over and over. They just popped on new words and called it a single and I don’t want to talk about this anymore!

Star-Crossed Lovers and Other Strangers [1.16]

Lorelai: Hey — tomorrow, if you have time, I'm planning on despising everyone who says, "Hey, how's it going?".

Luke: You're on.

[A woman enters Luke's restaurant.]

Woman: Hey, how's it going?

Lorelai: [to herself] Oh, now that's just too easy.

Luke: No, I believe you. If you say there's no reason for the mood, then there's no reason for the mood. You're simply nuts.

Lorelai: Or bipolar. That's very big nowadays.

Taylor: This festival is commemorating the founding of our town, young lady.

Lorelai: I know Taylor. I'm sorry.

Luke: She's bipolar.

Miss Patty: Really? But you're so young...

Rory: You brought me to Beirut?

Dean: It's a salvage yard.

Rory: Ah. And yet it looks so much like Beirut.

Rory: I had no idea that three months was the car anniversary.

Dean: Four months you get a plane.

Rory: Boy, relationships sure have changed since I was a kid. [they lean back and look at the stars] I'm having one of those moments right now.

Dean: What moments?

Rory: One of those moments that everything is so perfect and so wonderful that you almost feel sad because nothing can ever be this good again.

The Breakup, Part 2 [1.17]

Lorelai: Rory, my heart, today is Saturday, the day of rest!

Rory: Sunday's the day of rest.

Lorelai: No, Saturday's the day of pre-rest, see? Then by the time you get to Sunday, you're rested enough...to enjoy your rest.

Rory: That made absolutely no sense.

Lorelai: That's because it's 6:00 in the morning!

Rory: Some people like getting up early.

Lorelai: You lie.

Paris: Unbelievable! She’s here five minutes she has a date. I’ve been going to this school nine years and I’m the French soda monitor.

Lorelai: Yeah, you do know honey that garbage doesn’t actually talk at all unless it’s on Sesame Street.

Lorelai: That doesn’t make sense. This is Dean we’re talking about. He’s crazy about you. He calls like 25 times a day. Have you seen the cover of his notebook? It’s one step away from stalker material.

The Third Lorelai [1.18]

[Lorelai is sparring with Michel over the hotel reservation computer as she answers the phone.]

Lorelai: Independence Inn!

Emily: I need the hat rack.

Lorelai: [mysteriously] The fish flies at night!

Emily: What?

Lorelai: I don't know. Who is this?

[Richard hears from his mother at Friday night dinner.]

Emily: [So] you were on the phone…

Richard: Long distance.

Lorelai: God?

Richard: London.

Lorelai: God lives in London?

Richard: My mother lives in London.

Lorelai: Your mother is God?

Richard: Lorelai…

Lorelai: So, God is a woman.

Richard: Lorelai…

Lorelai: And a relative! That's so cool. I am gonna totally ask for favors.

Richard: Make her stop.

Rory: Oh, that I could.

Lorelai: I still can't get over that I'm related to God. It's gonna make getting Madonna tickets so much easier.

Emily: Do you know that every night at dinner the Kennedy clan would sit around the table having lively debates about everything under the sun. They would quiz each other about current events, historical events and intellectual trivia. Now the Gilmore clan is just as smart and wordly as the Kennedy's so come on someone say something.

Lorelai: Did you know that a butt model makes $10,000 a day?

Lorelai: Mother, Grandma is a very old woman, I highly doubt that she's going to remember everything she ever bought you.

Emily: She will remember down to the very last shrimp fork and do you know why?

Lorelai: No. [to statue of two dogs] Do you guys know why?

Emily: Because she doesn't just give you a present, she gives you a present and she tells you where to put it, how to use it, what it costs - for insurance purposes of course - and God forbid you should have a different opinion or you don't think it works in the space or you just get tired of waking up every morning with those horrifying animals staring at you!

Lorelai: [to the dogs] She's just upset.

Emily: Stop talking to the dogs!

Emily in Wonderland [1.19]

[At Friday dinner, Rory wants family baby pictures from Emily for a school project.]

Rory: And I need some of Mom, too.

Lorelai: I thought we already had this conversation.

Rory: Yeah, but I don't believe you.

Lorelai: Mother, tell her.

Emily: I don't have any baby pictures of your mother.

Lorelai: Thank you.

Rory: How could you not have any baby pictures of Mom?

Emily: Because, when your mother was seven, I came downstairs and found her burning all of her baby pictures.

Rory: Why would you do that? I'm sure you were a cute baby.

Emily: She was. She was very cute.

Lorelai: 4… 3… 2… 1…

Emily: … in most respects.

Lorelai: And we have liftoff.

Rory: What does that mean?

Lorelai: Nothing.

Emily: I don't see what the problem is. You certainly grew into it.

Rory: Grew into what?

Emily: As a child, your mother had an unusually large head.

Lorelai: The best thing about it was that she would tell me — constantly. My first complete sentence was, "Big Head want dolly".

[Emily is talking about a set of antique chairs she recently acquired.]

Emily: Of course, they could only get ten of these, so I'm two chairs short of a set.

Lorelai: You're telling me.

Lorelai: Can I use the fun cutter thingy?

Luke: Not if you call it the fun cutter thingy.

Lorelai: Please?

Luke: Cut the box, not your hand.

Lorelai: Good tip. You should teach.

Lorelai: So what time does the judgmental express arrive?

Rory: Grandma gets here at noon.

Emily: That's amazing. What did you use?

Rory: I don't know. We got it from one of those late night tv-ads. Apparently it also gets rust off nails and hinges, waxes your car perfectly and weather-proofs windows and doors.

P.S.: I Lo… [1.20]

Lorelai: Hey, I have a huge dilemma that I need your opinion on!

Rory: [annoyed] What?

Lorelai: Am I more beautiful today than I was yesterday?

Rory: Oh boy.

Lorelai: I'm just not sure. 'Cause at first, I looked in the mirror and I thought, 'Yes, definitely a huge improvement!'

Rory: Can I have my pillow back?

Lorelai: And then I thought, 'Maybe it's not that I'm more beautiful today, maybe I was just as beautiful yesterday, only I lacked the self-esteem to recognize it!'

Rory: Where's my tie?

Lorelai: In your drawer?

Rory: I'm looking in the drawer.

Lorelai: Mm, check the living room.

Rory: Why would my tie be in the living room?

Lorelai: Because it's been seeing the doily on the coffee table. I'm sorry, I did not want you to find out this way!

Rory: Don't take this the wrong way but get out.

Lorelai: [finding Rory at her parents' house] So, last time I saw you, you said 'I'll see you at home.' You want to fill in the blanks?

Rory: I don't know. I just had to get out, go anywhere.

Lorelai: So you picked Hell?

Lorelai: [on the phone] Hmm, what are you wearing?

Max: Nothing.

Lorelai: You must be very popular.

Max: And chilly.

Richard: I'll be dead tomorrow. I plan on flinging myself off the roof tonight right in the middle of Pittie Salinger's opening speech.

Emily: Pittie Salinger is a dear friend and you will be nice to her.

Richard: Pittie Salinger is a dipsomaniac. I'm going to bring my newspaper.

Love, Daisies, and Troubadours [1.21]

Lorelai: That's right. You are. You're fixing my porch rail. . . . At six thirty in the morning!

Luke: It was the only time I could do it.

Lorelai: Why? Why?

Luke: It was broken. I noticed last time I was here. It could hurt somebody.

Lorelai: Luke, we sleep around here. Okay, we like it. It makes us pretty and keeps us from killing our crazy friends.

Luke: You're gonna wake the neighbors.

Lorelai: UGH! Could you pound one more thing while you're out here? Your head! And a for-sale sign on the lawn because we're moving. So that's two things. The sign and your head. And in that order 'cause otherwise you'll be too dizzy to do the sign thing.

Lorelai: The freaking Blue Man Group is outside our house!

Rory: I was sleeping through it!

Lorelai: It had to have woken you up.

Rory: No my insane mother, Margot Kidder Gilmore, woke me up.

Taylor: All right, the nays have it. Let the record reflect it. Lorelai, I hope that's not food in those bags. Food is not allowed at town meetings.

Lorelai: No, Taylor it's not. It's, um, diapers for the little ones.

Taylor: What?

Lorelai: Dorsal fins and Cucamonga!

Taylor: What did she say?

Lorelai: [to Max] I confuse him till he loses his train of thought and then he moves on. Hot dog?

Taylor: I don't get this, people. This man is practically a vagrant. I mean, where do you even live? What do you do for a living?

Grant, the first troubadour: I don't want people to know those things!

Taylor: Why not?

Grant, the first troubadour: Because that's part of being a troubadour.

Taylor: What is part of being a troubadour?

Grant, the first troubadour: The mystique!

Taylor: Oh, this is absolutely ridiculous. [Speaking to second troubadour] Do you suscribe to this troubadour mystique?

The 2nd Troubadour: I run a Kinko's in Groton.

Grant, the first troubadour: You see, that proves it! He doesn't respect the code. You're not supposed to talk. You're not supposed to run a Kinko's. You're supposed to speak through your music. That's the whole point.