Depression
“I don't want to be funny right now, I'm too depressed, or at least the author who's writing this can't be. Nothing new...”
“You know what? After years and years of depression, I realised that everyone was right...I did just need to cheer up a bit!”
“You know that feeling you get, when you are sad, upset, or even depressed? That's depression.”
Depression is a common moo disorder that afflicts 10 billion people worldwide. It can be depressing, but it's not the end of the world! Following an insightful successology article about "22 secrets to a depression-free life", we discuss the many possibilities of individualized depression management. Then you realize that there was nothing to be depressed about after all... Which reminds you that you've been wasting all that time that you'll never get back being depressed when you could've been injecting heroin and sucking dick for drug money!
Causes[edit | edit source]
The most common cause of depression is being too fat, too skinny, too ugly, or even having too many causes. There's not really any real way to describe depression except, probably... a long slide downward into darkness until finally you hit the burning ground, hard, just sitting there, broken, while burning, and burning to death. It's very depressing, watching fire. All those people who die in fires each year, and maybe bugs who were accidentally thrown in the fire you're watching. Makes you want to jump in and suffer with them all... Perhaps you've had a family member die in a fire recently, or not. Maybe they got saved by convenient rain, but then again, the rain could remind you of your other relative who's drowned in a tiny rain puddle... Kinda like the one you are standing in now. What a horrible death that'd be, drowning, just being pushed down, down, into the deep, rocky ground of the ocean, pushing and gasping for breath but instead having a horrible welcoming in your lungs by water, like it's showing up for a party that the Grim Reaper's hosting. The Grim Reaper can also be depressing, for we all know we're going to die, some sad, lonely death.
How do you think you're going to die? I'd like to think I'll just get old and go gracefully, but that's not likely. No, it'll probably be something horrible, like an fishing accident or maybe I'll get chopped up into itty bitty pieces by the fan while I'm jumping on the bed. At these times it makes you wonder, what lies behind death? Personally, I don't believe in a God, I believe that nothing happens, and when you die, you just dream for the rest of your life and dream on into believing that you are in a different world until you "die" and dream some more. Maybe you already are dead. Maybe... Maybe....
Dangers[edit | edit source]
Despite depression being, well, depressing, it actually, in some ways, makes you feel happy. Like the fact that no one likes you and despises you makes you feel special in some way. Or like, your pessimism on steroids means that you always expect the worse case scenario, so you are never disappointed. In fact, you may well have learned to predict the future clairvoyantly. Or not. Either way, you are well-prepared for anything that could or would go wrong. Depression sometimes turns up to suicide. Considering suicide also gives you that weird happy feeling where you feel that once your dead, everyone will cry and wish they never said,"Your mommas so fat I saw her in bed,(Laughter follows)", but then go on with their daily lives and forget about your... dead... rotting corpse... Never to think a single thought again, never to live or smile again... Or, maybe you just want to step though a portal to the afterlife, like Sirius Black. Kinda like a long, long vacation from which you never return. Maybe you should take a cruise instead. Or, at least a rowboat. The idea of a vacation can make anyone happy. Just remember, all vacations cost money. This includes the one in a casket, or urn. Even if they don't stay in the urn. Or the casket...if you return as a vampire or a zombie.....or maybe you prefer a Good haunting to scare the daylights out of the living. Or a bad haunting. After all, there's nothing like a ghost stalker.
Probate is fun for all, especially if you were not stingy in your will, and everybody will want to participate. Just think, you will be entertaining your family so well, even after the funeral, and if you have a home, inviting them to live in it or sell it to a demolition company, or a rental property company that will promptly raise all the rents in the neighborhood. Nobody will ever even have to see your "cute" Facebook posts ever again, either. So you might as well just take your profile down now, anyway. Both you and your so-called social media friends will feel much better afterwards. All the kids in the libraries will also enjoy all your old picture books, and your sister will wear all your jewelry proudly. So you might as well hand it over now, while you can still hear "thank you". Nobody publicly thanks the dead after the funeral. Oh, and if you have any substances that you want to get high off of, hand those over to...to ME! Gimme gimme gimme. Then it will be MINE, all MINE!! And enjoy it I will.
Treatment[edit | edit source]
The treatment for depression is to simply smile. Go ahead, smile right now. You just have to think positive, don't think negative. Fake it till you make it. Try to smile sincerely - I dare you. Think of some jokes, like your favorite: "Why did the chicken cross the road?". That's a weird joke, don't you think? I wonder what it could mean... Hmm... the chicken could symbolize a someone who's scared of life... crossing the road could mean committing suicide... and the other side is, well, whatever happens after death. So, anyways, why did the Chicken cross the road? Wait, what're you doing with your hand...?
How you can help people with depression[edit | edit source]
- Constantly remind them how well-adjusted and successful you are. This gives them a high standard to which they can compare themselves, and strive to achieve.
- Tell them to "just snap out of it". Be sure to sound impatient and frustrated so it's clear that you have more important things to do than help pathetic, self-absorbed wretches.
- Ask them, "What do YOU have to be depressed about?" Follow with derisive laughter.
- Tell them that if they would only accept Jesus as their personal Lord and Savior, they wouldn't feel so sad. If they reply that they already know the Savior, insist that they don't have enough faith.
- Electroshock therapy is surprisingly easy for the average person to administer. An inexpensive, portable ECT machine can be constructed from a car battery and jumper cables, or alternatively with a cattle prod. Treatment is most effective when the "patient" isn't expecting it.
- Tell them it's a case of "mind over matter" and that all they need to do is change their attitude to positive thinking.
- Tell them Hope and Change are coming. Or that things will be Great Again.
- Put a mirror in front of their face, which will result in instant death.
- Set multiple daily goals for them to achieve, because goal achievement is always easy for someone with moderate to severe depression, and not meeting all of those goals is therapeutic.
- Encourage them to purchase arts and crafts supplies, while convincing them to get rid of their excess clutter because clutter is depressing.
- Tell them that starving kids in Africa have it way worse. Even if they just had their entire family murdered, or their spouse died of a heart attack, you should tell them their is a kid in Africa that still has it worse.
Some things to try to be less depressed[edit | edit source]
Popular treatments for depression include illegal drug use, money, sex, plastic surgery, and Dilbert strips. However, the only proven-effective cure for depression is suicide.
- Take a long walk. Bonus if there is a short dock in the area. If not, just walk until you tire yourself out. Then you can do what you really wanted to do - stay in bed the rest of the day.
- Take a bubble bath. The warm water will relax you, and you might slip under - if you stay under long enough, you will be less depressed.
- Color a pretty picture. Release your inner kindergartener and use lots of bright colors - like red for blood, blue for tears, green for boogers...
- Smoking. Because there is nothing more comforting than slow Suicide. Bonus - your clothes will smell and nobody will want to be around you.
- Enjoy a nice day at the spa. Oh wait, you don't have the money for that. Could be why you're depressed?
- Meditate over a nice hot cup of tea. Ommmmmm.......though this may have a side effect of desiring something else instead.
- Practice affirmations. Look yourself in the mirror and say "I am a worthwhile person." Smile. Feel stupid. Repeat.
- Talk to people. Because nothing cheers you up like bringing other people down or bragging about your insignificant achievements.
- Have a snack. You're already overweight, what's a few more extra pounds?
- Write an article. You'll have a great sense of accomplishment...until it gets deleted.
When all the above fails there is only one thing left: Medication. Studies have shown antidepressants work almost as well as placebos, so go for it! (Placebos are the best, but unfortunately they aren't legal for clinical use.) Then go for it again! And again! Eventually, maybe you will learn how to go for what you need in the long term. Or not. In the end, only the most stubborn people survive - this is why you always find the oldest people so cranky and stubborn.
| Part of an UnSeries on Misery |
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Apathy • Calculus  |
Music can Help[edit | edit source]
When Robert Burton wrote his classic work in the 17 century, The Anatomy of Melancholy, it was claimed that it healed mental conditions like melancholia, brain freeze, necrophilia, stupidity, imagination, and Head On[1]. Later it was claimed that instead of the music healing them, maybe the musicians were sneaking medication to the viewers.
In November 2006, Dr. Michael J. Crawford and his colleagues went out to prove once and for all that music could help heal the symptoms above, so in the gratifying and hard-working months that followed, they managed to create a beautiful masterpiece that would heal all and many.
They were caught sneaking medicine.
Depression in Popular Culture[edit | edit source]
Depressed people listen to music all day. Whether or not they can still work is a moo point.
- Head like a Hole, by NIN featuring Trent Reznor
- Hole, featuring Courtney Love
- Sylvia Plath
- Radiohead, Depression in its pure concentrated form
- Any band featuring Steven O' Malley whatsoever
- British soap operas
- Daytime T.V.
- Charles Dickens
Depressed now? Don't be! Read these to cheer you up (Guaranteed)![edit | edit source]
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Apply directly to the forehead!