Dear Richard Madeley: I told my husband about my affairs and now he’s broken – how do I fix him?

Dear Richard,

I’ve spent the past year breaking my marriage. I am 37, married to a very handsome and successful, and slightly younger, man. We have been together for 10 years. 

I was not a saint during this time but I got away with my transgressions: they were stupid crushes that were really just fodder for my ego and they only lasted weeks at most before I realised, again and again, I was with the best man possible for me.

Then, a year ago, I met someone who swept me off my feet and we ran off together. It was magic for a while until I woke up one morning knowing I would never feel as loved as I had been with my husband. I went back asking for forgiveness. He hadn’t strayed during this time. He was heartbroken, but he welcomed me back and forgave me.

We went to counselling and I received the worst advice possible: to be totally, searchingly honest about everything I had done. That included gritty details of all my previous dalliances. Rather than clear the air, this destroyed my husband. He broke up with me.

I know if we reconnected intimately again it would help to heal the damage, but that is a threshold he is unwilling to cross. He has lost all confidence both as a lover and a companion, and I don’t know how to help him get it back.

Now, I miss him savagely. Quite apart from the physical part of our relationship, I want to help bring him happiness again, even if I can’t be a part of it after what I’ve done. But nothing I do seems to reach him. Do you have any suggestions?

— Amanda, via email

Dear Amanda,

Yes I do – but I don’t think you’re going to like it. I’ll put it as simply and directly as I can. If you truly care about this man – and not primarily about yourself – then you must do the following. Leave. Him. Alone.

I mean it, Amanda. You have caused him untold misery by your actions, and you’ve destroyed his confidence. I accept that was never your intention – you truly love him, in your own fractured way – but the choices you have made have had devastating consequences for him.

And if you are completely honest with yourself, can you guarantee that you wouldn’t do it again? Supposing he took you back, put his faith in you, and then in a few months or years you were to run off with someone else? Can you imagine the effect that would have on him?

I am not being remotely judgmental here. I can’t possibly guess at the reasons you have been serially unfaithful. But you seem vulnerable to being ‘swept off [your] feet’. However strong the attachment you feel for your husband – and I can see from your letter that your love for him is sincere and runs very deep – it clearly isn’t strong enough to prevent you cheating on him. That’s just the way it is.

So leave him to rebuild his future, initially on his own, and, one hopes, eventually with someone else. Do that for his sake, however painful it may be for you. You owe him that. Give him the chance to find happiness again. That’s only possible without you in his life. So I’ll say it again. Leave. Him. Alone. 

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