just

bluh

i dont know weather to give up

or to push forwards, death is scary

the idea of fighting through the darkness, when all of those lost resources could have gone to other projects. other people. sick, healthy, alive, dying. im still a bit slow to be honest. i got older but i never really grew up. this stuff feels a bit beyond me. far more than i can handle or "manage" as far as someone in a position to intervene should be.

in this moment of stress i find myself at my old hangouts, both digitally and physically. lost but looking for answers.

i know the flash of the screen is just to numb the mental panic, and the boing boing anime girl dosent really love me.

but like a sip of the bottle, maybe digital, it feels nice to see happy things.

a once in a lifetime battle, to lose everything over "something so small", a gamble that could effect and affect others lives beyond just my own. but sometimes i want to at least give them a fighting chance.

medical system is such bullshit you know?